[jmw0713]

Why are you letting her string you along like this with all of these words of false hope. All she is telling you is what you want to hear to keep you close. Rather than be bluntly honest with you, she prefers to tear your heart up piece by piece, by telling you that you two have a future.

Actions speak louder than words.

Is she with you now? No.

Has she put and official end to this break? No.

Instead she is filling you with false hope for the future. While you sit and daydream about getting back with her at some unknown point far from now, she is looking for your replacement.

You know why she still talks to you?? Because she hasn't found that replacement yet. Know this, with almost 100% certanty, you will be replaced with someone else. When you find out, you will be kicking yourself for waiting on something that was never going to happen, and even more heart broken than you are now.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

The way you are going about things, the only difference moving away will make is that you will be miserable in a different city. Don't get me wrong, a change of scenery may you do you good but not if you end up spending your time chatting with her or talking on the phone with her.

I think what mark says here is key, moving way will help speed up the process and be a good thing for you ONLY if you do cut ties with her. If you continue with what you are doing you are only moving to another city and not moving on emotionally like you should be. Move and cut ties with her!

[MarkwithaK]

She did manage to tell me a slightly different story the other day about her reasons for our "break" (yes, she's still calling it that, and saying "the day will come when we are back together") and it was that she felt guilty about one of her guy friends at school starting to like her, so she says she made a choice, and that she felt she wasn't old enough and that I also wasn't old enough to be in a commited relationship yet.

I don't really know how to feel about that, but I just tried to tell her "Okay, I understand."

Don't worry though, it's not making me feel any worse or anything and I'm not complaining about it, I just find it strange I guess.

Holy hell man are you freakin' kidding me? Sounds to me like she pulled the plug on you because she found out some other guys has feelings for her and possibly she has feelings for him. At the very least she is interested enough to find out. All the while you are sitting there pining away for her. Am I the only one that sees that this girl has little to no respect for you? You seriously think that she won't let this new guy tag her simply because the 2 of you waited? For all you know she already has. She certainly wouldn't be the first "good girl" that turned "slutty" after a long term relationship. It's pretty obvious that you cannot base her current mindset on her past actions. All the signs are there and you refuse to acknowledge them because that just might knock her off that pedestal you put her on.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Have to spread some rep first mark but kudos on that answer.

Funny how the reasons behind why she broke up with slowly come out. And the longer you wait around the more she is going to tell you. No doubt in my mind that her and this "friend" have been dirtying the sheets for awhile now.

[Dare81]

I just got done reading 29 pages of this thread. So what happened trevor, you alive. How are things going?

[Gearhe4d]

I just got back from that Portland trip that I had been talking about, and.. well.. I guess it was exactly what I expected. I picked her up at her house, and one of her guy friends happened to be there at the same time, noticed them hugging when I was walking out of the room, I guess I was sort of expecting something like that. Funny thing is though, I happened to ask her on the drive up there (3 hours) if her and that particular guy friend were now together. She told me that they weren't. She said that he had actually asked her if she wanted to be together with him, and she said she laughed and never gave him an answer. That's all I got out of her on that subject.

Then.. as I expected, the girl who used to be as adamant as I am about hating people who constantly text and whip out their cell phones in public all of the time, is now doing exactly that. She could not keep her eyes off her cell phone for 10 minutes. Of course, she was only texting her other guy friends, so, I found myself on an anger rollercoaster that went up and down and up and down each time she pulled out that little blue device. I didn't bother her about though, and I just tried to let her be and not bring any one else down.

Then there were good moments with her, where everyone else was asleep and it kind of felt like it used to, where she was hanging out with me on the couch and we just talked for a good couple of hours and I felt pretty good. Then, as the early morning went on, she started kind of being distant again, and around 10 o'clock, when I'm assuming her other guy friends probably wake up, there she was again, right back to texting and not really even mentally being there.

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

[killerindianrul]

When she starts giving you your things back and talking about being "friends" then yes, it is usually over. At least in her mind. Oh and don't be too surprised when she has a new guy in a couple of weeks.

I think she is a bit bored with u. why not u make love n some other gul and look her attitude or know by her friends

[NorthernNiceGuy]

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

I admire your perseverance and ability to keep taking an a$$ whooping. But you know that doing things like this will never allow you to move on and heal. You were hoping for some answers on this trip and you got none, and you probably have more now plus a heavier heart. She isn't going to tell you the truth about whether she is seeing that guy or another, her word means nothing write now. Her disinterest in you is evident by her cell phone etiquette, the only times you were able to have a good conversation is when the people on the other line went to bed... How does it feel to be put second all of a sudden, not too mention like someone that doesn't really matter. That sort of behavior is rude to do to anyone, let alone to someone you supposedly care for deeply. Gear I hope you realize what this trip really did for you, and how continued contact is just going to prolong the suffering. I feel like a broken record, but its time to get the NC rolling!

[Dare81]

I just got back from that Portland trip that I had been talking about, and.. well.. I guess it was exactly what I expected. I picked her up at her house, and one of her guy friends happened to be there at the same time, noticed them hugging when I was walking out of the room, I guess I was sort of expecting something like that. Funny thing is though, I happened to ask her on the drive up there (3 hours) if her and that particular guy friend were now together. She told me that they weren't. She said that he had actually asked her if she wanted to be together with him, and she said she laughed and never gave him an answer. That's all I got out of her on that subject.

Then.. as I expected, the girl who used to be as adamant as I am about hating people who constantly text and whip out their cell phones in public all of the time, is now doing exactly that. She could not keep her eyes off of her cell phone for 10 minutes. Of course, she was only texting her other guy friends, so, I found myself on an anger rollercoaster that went up and down and up and down each time she pulled out that little blue device. I didn't bother her about though, and I just tried to let her be and not bring any one else down.

Then there were good moments with her, where everyone else was asleep and it kind of felt like it used to, where she was hanging out with me on the couch and we just talked for a good couple of hours and I felt pretty good. Then, as the early morning went on, she started kind of being distant again, and around 10 o'clock, when I'm assuming her other guy friends probably wake up, there she was again, right back to texting and not really even mentally being there.

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

Wow, I did the same thing you are doing, the first time my ex broke up with me, hung around for a whole year, saw her date other guyz, all sorts of . She did come back to me and we started dating again but it wasn't the same. I realized what she had done and she was not the perfect little girl I thought she was( I was making her out to be mother Teressa).The relationship wasn't the same. She ended up breaking up with me again.
I can understand when you say you can't do NC. But the thing you will realize that you have to. It might take a year like it took me but you will realize. In by the way the amount of pain you are going through is not worth it for anybody.
Good Luck

[Jane Smit]

Hi Gearhe4D,
Honey I'm sure you're a great guy, but you gutta move on. Your just wrenching your heart for nothing.
I'v tried to get back with my husband 5 times now, I know are love is what's doing it to make us keep trying, but I'm leaving for the last time, and you need to also. Thank God your not married to her. Her cell phone says it all. Bless you.

[Irishgirl]

But jane smit is right. Do you know the worst thing though you are the only one who can stop you feeling like this by walking away and you won't do it. Coming from a girl you're her safety blanket,she's comfortable with you so she's keeping you around and she's basically using you to get over you! Why are you letting her have so much control over your life, man up!

[Gearhe4d]

The only good time to consider her as a friend is when you've healed and found the one that will love you.

So, I've been re-reading all of this and thinking about everything still. This quote seems to be a recurring element in what everyone tells me. "The one that will love you." That is something that I'm having a hard time understanding, just look at the world today, 90% of married couples, or even just couples in general are constantly un-happy or getting divorced, or stay together but hate each other and just try to find ways to not be around each other. My own parents are the same way, I think this is one of the biggest problems I'm having with this break-up. It feels like I really had what I wanted, and now I'm afraid that later on in future relationships, I might never be fully satisfied again. Am I going to have to settle for that wife who nags me constantly, or just be that guy who's single, and works, and survives.. and there's really no point to it other than existing? I don't want to sound stupid about this, and I probably do, but I just see so much of that unhapiness everywhere and I thought I was one of the very rare lucky people that was actually happy.

[Dare81]

Obviously your relationship wasn't as great as you make it out be. If it was that great why did your ex leave.By the sound of things you and your ex were not a good match.I am sure you can find someone better later on.

[Empty Cans]

So, I've been re-reading all of this and thinking about everything still. This quote seems to be a recurring element in what everyone tells me. "The one that will love you." That is something that I'm having a hard time understanding, just look at the world today, 90% of married couples, or even just couples in general are constantly un-happy or getting divorced, or stay together but hate each other and just try to find ways to not be around each other. My own parents are the same exact way, I think this is one of the biggest problems I'm having with this break-up. It feels like I really had what I wanted, and now I'm afraid that later on in future relationships, I might never be fully satisfied again. Am I going to have to settle for that wife who nags me constantly, or just be that guy who's single, and works, and survives.. and there's really no point to it other than existing? I don't want to sound stupid about this, and I probably do, but I just see so much of that unhapiness everywhere and I thought I was one of the very rare lucky people that was actually happy.

I know exactly how you feel gear... and its sucks. It sucks big time. But you need to realise that this happened for a reason, you need to go through this and learn these very harsh lessons about life. Learning these lessons doesn't make it suck any less, but it just means that this whole breakup BS wasn't for nothing. It might seem strange now, but you will come out of this with a whole lot of new skills that will put you in good stead for your next relationship.

I also find it hard to imagine myself with a girl as compatible with me as my ex... but I do know that that girl is out there, its just a matter of time before I find her. And when I do, I will have all this experience behind me to make it work even better.

It might seem like you feel like you are going to have to settle... but you won't, there is another girl out there who is even better. If anything, from the sounds of it its your ex who is going to have to settle for someone.

You can now see that its truly over with this girl, or at least that there is nothing you can do change her mind. So just take the step and go NC... just try it for one week and see how you feel. After this many posts, and us already showing that your plans are flawed, surely you owe it to yourself to at least give NC a try.

[Romefalls19]

I know the outlook may seem grim, I was in your shoes not too long ago. After my break up, which I was unhappy in the relationship for close to 6 months beforehand but didn't have the set to end it myself for fear of being alone, I thought I wouldn't find another women. So after this site, and Tal's kick to the b@lls, I realized I don't have to have a woman to be happy. I can be happy myself, and I started to change for myself and for the better. Shortly there after I met a terrific girl and got engaged, and we love each others company as well as love each other. So that could give you some hope.

If it doesn't, take my parents for example, they have been together for over 25 years and still love each other dearly. They were high school sweethearts and have survived just about everything.

I also have other family members still together. The point is, if you have a grim outlook of course everything is going to seem darker, but if you look at things with a brighter outlook, the image of things change. Take a look at this scene, it's so dark and rainy outside. The wind is blowing, the roads are soaking wet with water and the trees hang low because their limbs are so waterlogged and you say to yourself I don't think the sun will ever come out again. Sure enough, the next day, there is it. Shining bright, birds chirping and flowers a plenty. After every rainy day, the sun will come back out. You just got to wait it out sometimes.

[Gearhe4d]

So (and this is just a hypothetical question) if I were to still have strong feelings for her in, say... a couple years or so, and she was available, would it be insane of me to try and rekindle things myself?

I'm just wondering if there is a certain amount of time that I can just give her total space, and then she'd potentially be open to me again, even if she hadn't thought of it.

Just a hypothetical, I know a lot could change and I might not be the same person I am now in two years. I'm just curious how long is "long enough."

[Empty Cans]

I think that, hypothetically, in a couple of years you won't give a damn about her.

But yeah, I think that well down the track things can work out between people. You will both have grown up a lot, learnt a few lessons, made a few mistakes and be all the better for it.

Personally I think that a lot more people get back together than the "3%" figure that is thrown around on this site. I think that probably 0.3% of people who are heartbroken and plead and beg and get back together with their ex's because all that does is drive them away.

I think that you need to have fully moved on from your ex before anything can be rekindled. But the thing is, by the time you have moved on and you are viewing things with a clear mind, you will probably notice all the things about her that annoyed you, and you will be glad it all happened.

That's just how I think it could well go down... I mean it could easily be that in a couple of years time you guys bumb into each other and hit it off and realised how good you were together. But she needs to really want, and you need to be able to forgive her and trust her again after crushing your heart. But I think it's a big if, and you cannot take on the mindset of "well if I wait a couple years it'll sort itself out" as you try and move on.

[Dare81]

You won't be thinking about her in a couple of years.If you are still thinking about her then you would need to go see a doctor.

[Irishgirl]

Empty cans is right,thinking so far in the future is wrong on so many levels,what about today or 2moro? For all you know you were meant to split up because karmically your meant to meet someone else! As for relationships failing the majority of times that's not true, people pnly let you see what they what you to see. As my friends said "relationships are like ducks swimming along a lake,they look peaceful and serene but look under the water and they're paddling like f@ck to stay afloat"

[zeeniee]

I think you should start thinking about the PRESENT, and start doing things to move on from your EX- or she will hurt you more and more in time-- eventually you will end up hating her.

Let the future come to you- best way really and worry about it then.

You can do it Gear4hd- so when are you going to start your healing process?