[wikedjuggalo]

So let me get this straight... You do not want to ask her to make a choice because you like being stringed along? Bud I guess if that floats your boat enjoy it but I know most men would not like that.

[talaniman]

I still don't get why TALNIMAN doesn't believe she is confused... try to put yourself in her place... she is wondering if she should move on or stay hung up on a past relation which is also long distance.. there is no doubt about that

She is trying to establish her life, and job, and have fun until someone she is really interested in comes along. Just as you have said your doing. That's not confusion. She can make a choice whenever she feels like it, no doubt. As I have said she can blow in your ear and your right there available to keep her from boredom or loneliness.

Believe it or not, I'm not trying to change your mind, but just be aware that your spinning your wheels. Read the stories here of those who have gone through the very same thing as you are now and see why the wonder how kissing and talking smooth gets them NOWHERE. But, its your time.

[tabbarat]

Of course I don't bro... no one does.. but the thing is 1) I don't REALLY feel strung along because her ex doesn't live here 2) her ex situation has always existed... I always knew he was an issue... it just came back to bite us in the arse

What I'm saying is, if she was stringing me along with someone new or just for the hell of it, I would have ditched her long ago and kept on screwing hot tamales

I don't like it, but I KIND of understand why she is having a hard time getting over her ex of 10yrs who wants to marry her..

All I'm saying is because I love this girl, I'm willing to stick it out a bit longer to see what choice she makes

I'm still in the picture, but she knows I'm going out and partying and "back on the single scene"... so still balancing FOR NOW

Eventually she will have to make a choice... but now is too soon... I can still feel that pressure from me will scare her off

"She is trying to establish her life, and job, and have fun until someone she is really interested in comes along. Just as you have said your doing."

talaniman: please elaborate... so from what your saying that she doesn't want to get back with her ex... if she is passing time until she meets someone?

So your saying she doesn't want either of us and is just passing time until she meets someone else? A 3rd guy? U think she can handle a 3rd guy?

Or did I misunderstand your post?

Hmmm.. sorry dude.. but your wrong... yesterday she sent me a goodnight message and I didn't answer... I TELL her I'm single and partying and meeting girls... sometimes I tell her I'l lcal her back and I don't.. in fact, I know it pisses her off when I don't.. she told me today she got bothered when I don't message her back... but I still do it

So I don't follow her like a dog... there is a difference between "playing the game" and just dropping her

[wikedjuggalo]

No your afraid that if you man up and stop following along like a dog she won't like it and drop you like a hot rock. Ugh Why are you so blind to things man? Your irrational.

[wikedjuggalo]

hmmm..sorry dude..but ur wrong...yesterday she sent me a goodnight message and i didnt answer...i TELL her im single and partying and meeting girls...sometimes i tell her i'l lcal her back and i dont..in fact, i know it pisses her off when i dont..she told me today she got bothered when i dont msg her back...but i still do it

so i dont follow her like a dog...there is a difference between "playing the game" and just dropping her

And there is a difference between the player and the played. I guess you have to be burned once to realize things.

[Mom of 2]

Ugh!! Again, what are the QUALITIES of this girl that you love? You still didn't define that. How can you love someone if you can't define her qualities? A new romance is ALWAYS intoxicating and that is why so many people think that they are in love because of the way that they FEEL when they are with that person. Believe me, that is not really love. It's lust and a need to be in love, almost forcing it.

Love is a lot more than that. Love is having respect for someone. How can you respect someone who is stringing two people along? How can you say that you love someone and still play games of saying that you are going to call and not calling, just to tick her off. Love NEVER plays games. AND the fact that you are playing games by bringing other girls over to your place truly means that you have no respect for women. Then again, a woman who would allow herself to go to a person's house she does not know has little respect for herself, but that is an entirely different issue. No, you may not have told this girl about the "hot tamale", but you have insinuated to her that you are going out on the scene and that you are with girls - and don't tell me that you are not doing it to make her jealous, because you are. Again, more games.

Stop rationalizing that what you are doing is working or that you are on the right path. I agree with Talaniman, she is not confused. She knows what she is doing. And you know what you are doing. You are both playing games, not talking seriously about what is going on, what you need from her and she from you in order for a REAL relationship to exist. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and you are too stubborn to admit it. So, continue to play your games. It's not going to get you anywhere.

Sorry that I may sound harsh, but this is getting ridiculous!!

[hjpan]

Ugh!!!! Again, what are the QUALITIES of this girl that you love? You still didn't define that. How can you love someone if you can't define her qualities? A new romance is ALWAYS intoxicating and that is why so many people think that they are in love because of the way that they FEEL when they are with that person. Believe me, that is not really love. It's lust and a need to be in love, almost forcing it.

Love is a lot more than that. Love is having respect for someone. How can you respect someone who is stringing two people along? How can you say that you love someone and still play games of saying that you are going to call and not calling, just to tick her off. Love NEVER plays games. AND the fact that you are playing games by bringing other girls over to your place truely means that you have no respect for women. Then again, a woman who would allow herself to go to a person's house she does not know has little respect for herself, but that is an entirely different issue. No, you may not have told this girl about the "hot tamale", but you have insinuated to her that you are going out on the scene and that you are with girls - and don't tell me that you are not doing it to make her jealous, because you are. Again, more games.

Stop rationalizing that what you are doing is working or that you are on the right path. I agree with Talaniman, she is not confused. She knows what she is doing. And you know what you are doing. You are both playing games, not talking seriously about what is going on, what you need from her and she from you in order for a REAL relationship to exist. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and you are too stubborn to admit it. So, go ahead and continue to play your games. It's not going to get you anywhere.

Sorry that I may sound harsh, but this is getting ridiculous!!!

Seems as if he just wants to get laid and nothing more.

[tabbarat]

Mom of 2: 1) what do you suggest? Tell her either me or her ex? Wouldn't that scare her off right now

2) of course I love her qualities... but it was 6 am dubai time, so I didn't really feel very "poetic" and feel like listing them :)

3) I agree with you I am playing games... and I agree with you about your definition of love

But EVERYONE has played games for his/her bf/gf at one point... no is innocent... sometimes you have to

hjpan: so your suggesting I didn't have sex with that girl? I don't get it... some of you tell me "move on, meet others, etc.", and when I go out and party and hook up, I get "u just wanna get laid, ur playing games, u dont respect women"

Since when is it wrong to hook up with another woman when you are single/gf deciding what she wants?

Take care all :)

I just want to emphasize that the games startes when she told me she is talking to her ex again... it wasn't always like this

When we were together it was according to your definition of love, mom of 2... no games, everything great, honesty, etc

The games started after... so I do respect women, WHEN WE ARE A COUPLE... but if she tells me she is confused and talking to her ex again, of course I'm going to play a game or 2.. and I'm sure she is to


1) this is a question of do the "means justify the end" or whatever they call it...

If I just walked away and didn't answer her calls and ditched her more than I did, she would be either a) with her ex fully or b) with someone new c) single

I don't see a d) back with me

2) maybe I should have gotten the hint when she contacted her ex... but he doesn't feel like a threat to me because he lives far away and I know part of her wants to move on

3) I did go NC... remember? When she told me she is talking to the ex again, I ditched her, and she called me... then she came when I invited her friends... then she said she wants to kiss me.. so she doesn't want me out of the pic either

4) I agree with you that "When you feel a female (or male) is confused, you leave them alone, because they will confuse you in the end."

2 options: a) ditch her and MAYBE months/yrs from now we get back... b) the way it is now, we talk, flirt, kiss, see each other, I can still get action on the side.. UNTIL we eventually decide on what is going on.. and if she only wants to be with me

I want her only; I love her, but until then, I'm fine "being with her" AND getting action.. I didn't ask for this!

Your right... a serious conversation would be: me or him.. decide... didnt have that yet... not ready

Just taking it easy... we both are... in time it will come up

It can't stay in limbo forever! No one can handle it

I like your post mom of 2 :)... u are right... until we have a serious conversation, it will stay in limbo... I will have the talk with her sometime soon

But I'm liking the way it is now... and so far, my head can still handle it

As for sleeping with women... it takes two to tango.. she agreed to come over... I didn't force her... these things happen.. love and sex are two different things.. I would prefer to have sex with the girl I love, but sometimes it doesn't work out like that...

I hope you don't think I'm some sleezy guy that sleeps aound with women left and right, because I'm not

Update:we went to the concert today... we were dancing, holding hands, hugging, flirting the whole time... we kissed a few times...

At the end of the night, I told her it was nice seeing u.. she said I don't want it to be the last time, I said we'll see ;)

I'm not saying you guys are wrong... she is kind of with me, but also kind of got back with her long distance ex.. three's a crowd... and it is wrong...

For example tonight, we were having this discussion, and she asked me if I would lie to her about smthg... I told her I would never lie to u, I would never hurt u, I would never make you cry, and all I would ever do is make you happy... she gave me one of those "i love this guy looks" and asked me "why?", I told her "i know why, but im not going to tell u now...i dont tell girls with bf's how i feel about them'" ;)... so I kind of touched upon it, and I felt like I hit a nerve

Anyway, stupid example... great night altogether... the girl said she wants to see me, so maybe in a few days... she asked me what I did last night, I told her I went out with some girls but didn't tell her I got laid... she got a bit bothered and mentioned it at the concert

Anyway, take care... goodnight

hjpan, you don't know her, so don't use words bigger than u

And you keep saying I want to get laid... we haven't had sex since she told me she was talking to her ex again.. so basically in more than a month...

I'll be completely honest with everyone... im not ready to get married anytime soon.. maybe in a couple of years... so why would I LIE to her and tell her I'm willing to give her everything, to ditch her ex, to choose me or him, when I'm not ready to give her everything yet?

Yes, I do love her, and yes, if we do get back and things are great and it is ONLY us, of course she is someone I would want to have a future with

What I want is a chance to see where this can go, because I know it can go somewhere and we can have smthg

But for NOW, I'm liking taking it easy... we are together but also not... it is OK, for NOW... sometime soon, I will bring it up.. I will have to ask her "what are we exactly?"

Anyway: she called me this morning... she wants to see me.. so we are going to go for lunch then a movie I think

Take care :)

[talaniman]

Never try to influence a female to your side with games, and manipulations, as that's a very lousy way to have an honest caring relationship.

When she first called her ex, you should have taken the hint, and got out of the situation, not try to influence her. That's NOT LOVE!!

When you feel a female (or male) is confused, you leave them alone, because they will confuse you in the end.

I don't know what kind of serious convos you guys have, but I do know that not only are the not productive, but not that honest either.

Don't let your stubbornness, lead you away from the right thing to do.

[wikedjuggalo]

Ugh man you contradict yourself read your post over. You don't want to be in limbo but yet you do not want to approach the issue. So until something happens nothing will change. Why should it? She is getting her cake and eating it too.

[Matteus]

this is how it goes down: my girl was with someone for 10 yrs! since she was 15...they lived together for 3 yrs...they would break up and get back, but she would always go back to him...about 6 months ago, he asked her to marry him..she rejected his because she was moving to another country for work, and bc she was willing to see what else is out there

thats where i come in...about 4 months ago, i met her at a party and we hit it off....we really started falling for each other, and started to really like each other...she told me that im the only one for her, etc...she made it clear to me that she wants to move on with me and ditch her past, and concentrate on us, but she just needed time...for example, when we would be getting sexual, she would sometimes hesitate first, because it would be the first time with someone new (other than her ex of 10yrs)...i didnt care, i really liked her, so i respected her past, respected the fact that she was with someone for so long, and didnt mind taking it slow with her until she fully forgets about him

things were going fine until, she got a warning at work..she was told to pick up her sales within 2 weeks or shes getting fired! so of course she started panicking and worrying, etc...she only wanted to stay home and never felt like going out..i would have to beg her to go out so i can see her...

after about 10 days of not seeing her and arguing a bit on the phone...she tells me the truth: for the past week me and my ex started talking again..she said she told him about work and the warning and that she told him bc he is the person that knows her best...she told me that she realized that she still has feelings for him..the exact words were, "i really like you, but i still love my ex...im really confused..maybe we should take it easy for a while, take things slow"

i havent talked to her in almost a week..let her miss me and realize what she is missing...she has a good thing with her here, dont know why she had to rekindle the past...giving her about 10 days-2 weeks to miss me...if she doesnt realize she made a mistake, i think im gonna have to forget about her

my questions are: 1) is my decision good? 2) or do i just call her and fight for her...and tell her she is making a mistake, etc...basically, what will make me get her back...fighting for her, or making her miss me?

Several posts here are based on same schema:
1. Somebody gets dumped.
2. He founds it is not so straightforward to arrange such a situation, due to his lack of experience, etc.
3. He even does not try to learn something from what happened, but his "the one and only" thought is how to get his ex back (due to his ego, his needs, and a lot of other things I don't remember). He doesn't even try to understand that the only thing he must do after a breakup is to move on, cause once its broken, nothing can be repaired as it was.
4. He writes post to this forum. Most of these posts contain words like: "HEELP" or "PLEEEEASE".
5. He is dissapointed that others do not give him step by step solution of his probem in 10 minutes after he wrote his post, and that he doesn't hear what he wants to hear.


I think it is common problem visible not only in this forum: how to find simple solution of my problem without my own effort.

[Mom of 2]

You ask me what you should do? I would ask her, "him or me" because how much longer are you going to be strung along? The fact that you REFUSE to have this "serious convo" means that you probably already know what the outcome is going to be and you are delaying the inevitable. You don't have control over it over the outcome because she has a hold of the reigns - and by the way you gave her that. She is continuing to do what she is doing because she KNOWS that she can get away with it and that you will accept it. What should you do? MOVE ON!!

By the way, moving on DOES NOT mean that you sleep with someone before getting to know them. This action shows that you did not have respect for that "hot tamale" otherwise you would not have taken her home and slept with her. Have control over your hormones!! Why does everyone think that it is okay to sleep around when they are single? No, you're not tied down to anyone, but don't you have enough self respect for yourself to not do this. You can hang out with girls but you don't have to sleep with them!! You DON'T respect women when you sleep with them without any consideration of knowing them or any intention of being part of their life after the act.

SUMMARY:
1. Tell her to sh*t or get off the pot
2. Move on, but don't sleep around
3. Focus on getting to know yourself better and finding out what you need in a relationship
4. Don't force anyone to be with you. If they are meant to be with you, you will not have to force it (you used the phrase "make her come back to me" in several posts, which means you are attempting to force her, persuade, manipulate her. Stop denying it and accept the course of your actions)
5. STOP PLAYING GAMES!!

[Mom of 2]

You actually LIKE the way that things are? Then why are you asking for advice? If you like it, then be prepared for more of the same if you are willing to avoid the serious, heart to heart that you need to have in order to get the answers to the questions that you seek. You can ask us for advice until the cows come home, but ultimately the only person who has an answer to your questions is her - and you are way too stubborn and afraid to ask.

[Mom of 2]

By the way, I just read the little blurb at the end of your posts: "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else". I'm here to tell you, no it won't. Look within yourself for the healing that you need to do in order to get over someone.

[hjpan]

By the way, I just read the little blurb at the end of your posts: "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else". I'm here to tell ya, no it won't. Look within yourself for the healing that you need to do in order to get over someone.

It's very obvious now.

He just wants to get laid but his heart is attached to a hoe =/

[wikedjuggalo]

You say you love her so what do you love about her?

[liz28]

I think your confused about this situation because sometimes you referred to her ex as her ex but other times you referred to him as her boyfriend. Exactly which one is it. Also, remember he doesn't know about you but meanwhile you know about him. That's why she pulls back sometimes because she might feel guilty but I bet if he did know about you things would be very different.

[talaniman]

For example tonight, we were having this discussion, and she asked me if I would lie to her about smthg... I told her I would never lie to u, I would never hurt u, I would never make you cry, and all I would ever do is make you happy... she gave me one of those "i love this guy looks" and asked me "why?", i told her "i know why, but im not going to tell u now...i dont tell girls with bf's how i feel about them'" ;)... so I kind of touched upon it, and I felt like I hit a nerve

If that ain't game, I don't know what is.

[Mom of 2]

The only way that you will truly hit a nerve is when you talk directly about it, not around it. She is not the only one that has to sh*t or get off the pot, YOU DO!!

Hjpan is not saying you're sleeping with your ex. You said that you slept with the hot tamale and that is what he is talking about. You tried to justify what you did, but there is no justification for it - you needed to satisfy your hormonal itch. You slept with her because you wanted to get laid, plain and simple. Stop denying it because we won't believe you. By the way, anytime that you say, "I'll be completely honest..." it usually means that you have not been honest so far. I have a background in psychology, so I know what I am talking about. The person that you need to be completely honest with is yourself and ultimately her. This is something that has not happened otherwise you would not be in the situation you are currently in.

I can't believe that you are thinking about a future with this girl because you don't have a present with her. What in the heck are you afraid of? I know, you don't want to be rejected. By the way, that is exactly what happened. She rejected you the minute that she called her ex and got him back into her life AND YOU DON'T LIKE IT. Who would? I just can't believe that you are still sticking around and putting up with it. You feel the need to control her actions and decisions, but you can't. You are also willing to put up with what she is doing, which is wrong. Stop being so defensive and trying to justify your actions because they are not getting you anywhere. This thread is chock full of very good advice, but you are not even willing to fully listen to it, much less follow anything that we are recommending. That's your prerogative. However, you keep telling us that we are wrong in our thinking. If you are so right, then why are you still in the same situation you were in at the very beginning of your post? She may be talking to you more, but there has been no REAL progress in your situation - I can't say it's a relationship because it is not.

Your situation is not progressing and will not progress until you talk about it. Stop fooling yourself that you are okay with this. If you are really okay with this, then why are you still posting updates on this thread? And by the way, your updates are more of the same. You could probably not post any updates for several months and we would still know what is going on - which is NOTHING!! I know exactly what your next update is going to say - "She called me tonight and we had a nice flirty convo". Been there done that. Now do something that will show us you are making progress!!

[talaniman]

You have a good future as a spin doctor, but leave being a player to those that know what to do.