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411Help · Jan 25, 2009, 12:15 AM

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, `I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.` You must do the thing you think you cannot do"

Eleanor Roosevelt

You need to find other things to do with your time.
Working out, reading a book, cleaning your room, writing in a journal, tetris, ANYTHING. Do you expect to get better if you keep down this dark road?

Empty Cans · Jan 25, 2009, 03:06 AM

Gear, I have been following your thread for a little while now and you really have been given some excellent advice by some very patient posters.

I too lost the love of my life... just like everybody else here on this forum. Everybody else on here was in your Same position at one point or another, and they are all selflessly giving you their advice in the hope that they can help you to reduce your pain. They post on here so they can put to use what they have learnt the hard way by passing on this excellent advice.

It took me four months to implement NC. Four months of agony, many shed tears, and long periods of false hope driven misery. I dropped about 15% of my body weight from the stress of it all.

When I first heard of this NC thing, I too could not comprehend going through with it. I mean... how could I go from speaking to someone everyday, to not speaking to them at all. How could I go from X is in a relationship with Y on Facebook... to not even having Y as one of my 500+ friends.

But then I realised that keeping in contact with her was doing me no favours, and definitely not doing my chances with ever being with her again any favour either. I got to a point where I was just consistently getting hurt so much by her that I knew that I had to cut all contact with her.

I realised that it was not her hurting me... it was me letting myself get hurt by her, by letting myself stay in touch with her and my brain processing her actions into some sort of false hope that I could cling in to. She wasn't really doing anything wrong... of course she wanted to stay friends, that way she could have the best of both worlds. She still had me to rely on as a friend, and she could go out and meet new guys and play the field.

You say she wouldn't sleep with anyone else so soon... well guess what, I would have said the same, but within 6 weeks she had slept with two guys... and one of them was even staying at her house most nights.

You say she said she sees herself marrying you. Yep, been there too. Even had discussed kids and had a few favourable baby names. It all doesn't mean anything anymore.

I admire your persistence... but you need to realise you are doing more harm than good. If she wants to come back, it will be a decision she makes in time on her own accord... there is nothing you can say or do to magically make her change her mind.

Use this time as an opportunity to do your own discovery. She is your first love... my ex was my first love too. If she is your first love, how can you be sure that there is no one better? This is an opportunity for you both to find out whether you are right for each other... maybe you are, maybe you are not. But there is a lot of living for you both to do before you will ever have that answer.

In time, it will suddenly dawn upon you that NC is the way to go to stop your pain. You will realise that you have to let go. Its up to you to decide how much longer you want your pain to go on...

artlady · Jan 25, 2009, 03:20 AM

You got 241 people to answer your question. WOW!

You are going to do what you want aren't you?

I hope you take a little from everyone but c'mon 241 people.

You got everybody all fired up here and now you have to let us know what happens in your love life forever! :p

zeeniee · Jan 28, 2009, 09:33 PM

Hey Gearhe4d,

Haven't heard from you for a while?

How are you doing?

NorthernNiceGuy · Jan 29, 2009, 01:49 AM

The calm before the storm... just wait for it

jmw0713 · Jan 29, 2009, 08:09 AM

NNG... Oh ye of little faith... maybe all 243 posts telling him to go NC and drop her like a bad habit have finally sunk in. Or maybe he thinks we are all wrong and is in Portland right now finding out how right we really are.

Maybe he is taking some time to reflect. Hopefully he will comeback with either good news or the realization that our advice was right and that he should move on. We can only hope and pray it's the later and he is strong enough to do this. :)

zeeniee · Jan 29, 2009, 11:29 AM

Hey JMW0713,

Yep I was thinking the same, maybe he is taking some time out and reading all the great advice given and working things out for him for the better.

Lets hope that is the case-- fingers and toes crossed!

NorthernNiceGuy · Jan 29, 2009, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by jmw0713

NNG...Oh ye of little faith...maybe all 243 posts telling him to go NC and drop her like a bad habit have finally sunk in. Or maybe he thinks we are all wrong and is in Portland right now finding out how right we really are

I'd really hope he is doing the right thing... never seen resistance like this though. Sometimes we just have to experience the hurt before we start to take this advice seriously. He'll figure it out eventually, we all do, just hopefully sooner than later. Portland could be good for him... you know, shock him back into coherence.

Hope you're doing good gear, we're all pulling for you!

Gearhe4d · Jan 31, 2009, 03:09 PM

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been trying to just stop thinking about it all because weeks are going by and I'm not improving really, so for the last few days I've been trying to do other things. I've been seriously considering moving up to Portland with those friends we're planning on visiting, they keep asking me to and it keeps sounding better. I can't stop myself from talking to her for some reason, and she just keeps telling me about her new friends and the stuff she's doing with them. I don't have it in me to tell her to stop or to ignore her, so I just keep listening and trying to be friendly. I really need to move away I think.

DJ28 · Jan 31, 2009, 04:26 PM

Hey gearhe4d I know totally what your going through I did the same thing as you, and now my ex has found a guy. I have been doing NC for a while now and yes it does hurt me a lot, I check the phone often to see if she has called check my email and everything. But I do know it will get better over time, you really need to do this for yourself because man it is so tuff when you know there with a guy. Because then all you do is think on what there doing, like being intimate . End it now when its not to bad yet.

zeeniee · Jan 31, 2009, 11:02 PM

Hey Gearhe4d!

Good your alive! Wondered what happened to you!

I agree with DJ28 totally, but at the end it will be your choice and decision- if you do go to Portland and want to see this thru- just remember you may end up seeing things you wished you didn't and so please keep that in mind as the world is not necessarily full of roses.

talaniman · Feb 1, 2009, 05:36 AM

While a vacation is nice and a change of scenery is great, it doesn't solve problems, it just puts them on hold.

NorthernNiceGuy · Feb 1, 2009, 10:59 AM

Gear,

I think a move would be a great thing for you. Change of scenery, living with friends, away from her (not easy to get together). A few years ago one of my best friends went through a hard breakup and took an offer to live with his brother across the country. Was by far the best thing he ever did. Got away from a bad situaion and was able to heal on his own. Also met new people, made new friends, and met someone else... I really think you should take your friends up on that offer.

jmw0713 · Feb 1, 2009, 11:46 AM

I would take them up on their offer. Nothing helps more to keep your mind off things than NC and a change of scenery, pace, and meeting new people.

Gearhe4d · Feb 1, 2009, 07:35 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

While a vacation is nice and a change of scenery is great, it doesn't solve problems, it just puts them on hold.

Then how do I "solve" this?

expat2009 · Feb 1, 2009, 08:18 PM

You should really think about moving away. I don't see it as running away from your problems because there's not much to face. A change like this would mean new friends, new scenery, new life. Think about it. I did something similar a few years ago, she wasn't the only reason I moved, however, I did get over her much quicker than I would've at home.

MarkwithaK · Feb 1, 2009, 08:51 PM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been trying to just stop thinking about it all because weeks are going by and I'm not improving really, so for the last few days I've been trying to do other things. I've been seriously considering moving up to Portland with those friends we're planning on visiting, they keep asking me to and it keeps sounding better. I can't stop myself from talking to her for some reason, and she just keeps telling me about her new friends and the stuff she's doing with them. I don't have it in me to tell her to stop or to ignore her, so I just keep listening and trying to be friendly. I really need to move away I think.

The way you are going about things, the only difference moving away will make is that you will be miserable in a different city. Don't get me wrong, a change of scenery may you do you good but not if you end up spending your time chatting with her or talking on the phone with her.

talaniman · Feb 1, 2009, 09:34 PM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Then how do I "solve" this?

You stop contact with her, and focus on what you want to do with yourself without her. This solution calls for some thoughtful planning. Time does the rest. A vacation is great, but not with her. Essentially you disappear from her life.

zeeniee · Feb 1, 2009, 11:06 PM

Hey Gearhe4d,
Maybe you do need a change in your life etc.

First thou- you need to deal with things that is banging you right in your face- the ex. Deal with this first- as then you will have one less thing to think about!

Then you may want to chill out and gather your thoughts on how you would like to change your life, whether it is a change of place, jobs etc...

This would be a much better way forward as your are essentially dealing with the ex first and then looking forward to new things that you can do for you-- to make your life better for you without the ex coming in and ruining it for you!

Gearhe4d · Feb 1, 2009, 11:22 PM

She did manage to tell me a slightly different story the other day about her reasons for our "break" (yes, she's still calling it that, and saying "the day will come when we are back together") and it was that she felt guilty about one of her guy friends at school starting to like her, so she says she made a choice, and that she felt she wasn't old enough and that I also wasn't old enough to be in a committed relationship yet.

I don't really know how to feel about that, but I just tried to tell her "Okay, I understand."

Don't worry though, it's not making me feel any worse or anything and I'm not complaining about it, I just find it strange I guess.