[itried]

Dear Gearhe4d,

I think you should go on this trip to Portland. Once there, dazzle her with your good looks, confidence, quick wits and manliness. She will then wonder: Why did I ever leave this guy? He's so strong and self-assured and not a doormat at all. I never should have went on a break. I'm so stupid. I've fallen back in love with him. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And you will live happily ever after. Probably in a house made of rainbows in the Gumdrop Forest.

Sincerely,

Mr. Unicorn
1111 Leprechaun Blvd
Fantasy Land

[Gearhe4d]

I think I should just completely break all contact with her and wait for that wonderful special person who will love everything about me and not get tired of me and we can live happily ever after. I'm sure it'll be easy to just forget about the most special person I know too, sheesh, this sure is easy.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Don't think I'm taking nothing from what I've read here, I've learned a lot, and a whole lot more about how every seems to just give up hope, I don't know about everybody else, but I have never been the kind of person who just gives up.

To say that everyone here just gave up hope is an insult. How about we all just realized that chasing something was the wrong thing to do. For months of my NC I hoped to hell that she would come back, but I knew that talking to her would just hurt me. If she was going to come back she was going to do it because she wanted to, not because of anything I said or did. What we are telling you is for yourself... its not giving up hope, because you can't just tell someone to give up hope or stop thinking about someone... impossible.

And thinking that how someone else got their ex back is going to work for you is just absurd... Everyone is different.

NC is not telling you to give up hope, its telling you to take care of yourself. You are going to think whatever you want during that time but at least you won't have the added stress of them in your life.

[MarkwithaK]

I asked for advice on how to get her back. Not on why she asked for the break, or what I did wrong.

I do know those things, I DON'T know how to get her back, or how to really get myself to stop thinking about her. (This is the part where you say NC will do that in time)

Don't think I'm taking nothing from what I've read here, I've learned a lot, and a whole lot more about how every seems to just give up hope, I don't know about everybody else, but I have never been the kind of person who just gives up. I have always been the kind of person who looks for a way. I'm hoping eventually that someone will chime in and say something like "I did this and it made her really think" or "I said this and it cleared up the problem she is having with me"

I just want to work it out. That's what people do isn't it?

You're attitude is admirable, it really is but it just seems like you're fighting a losing battle here. It's not about giving up, it's about knowing when to stop the hemorrhaging if for no other reason then your own well being. There are no words that are going to fix this. No actions that can make her feel a certain way. None. Nada. Zilch. You keep throwing yourself at that brick wall thinking that maybe this time it won't be there and when it is you start all over again. I've been there.

[Gearhe4d]

That's just it, I really don't know if I am fighting a losing battle. If she wasn't talking to me at all, and not wanting to do stuff with me, and just completely not having interest, I'd probably be taking this a little bit better, but I just get the impression from her that she still wants me, but I've acted a certain way that she does NOT want. It feels like she's testing if I can still be with her, but without being with her too much, and not letting her do what she wants with other people too. I just wonder what would happen if I told her something like "Listen, I know that I've smothered you, and I understand exactly what I did wrong, I know that you need to have other people and friends that you spend time with and I'm ready to do this the right way, and give you the space that you need, and in reality, the space that I need too, but I want us to be together."

You know?

[MarkwithaK]

That's just it, I really don't know if I am fighting a losing battle. If she wasn't talking to me at all, and not wanting to do stuff with me, and just completely not having interest, I'd probably be taking this a little bit better, but I just get the impression from her that she still wants me, but I've acted a certain way that she does NOT want. It feels like she's testing if I can still be with her, but without being with her too much, and not letting her do what she wants with otehr people too. I just wonder what would happen if I told her something like "Listen, I know that I've smothered you, and I understand exactly what I did wrong, I know that you need to have other people and friends that you spend time with and I'm ready to do this the right way, and give you the space that you need, and in reality, the space that I need too, but I want us to be together."

You know?

It's called being friends. If she had any other type of feelings for you then that would have come out in some way. You are at the point that anything she does short of telling you to get bent is going to give you false hope. It's not her fault, you are reading way too much into her actions at this point. If you step away and distance yourself enough to look at things as others do then maybe you would see that. I don't know. With this sense of She-Can-Do-No-Wrong that you have you are just too clouded.

[Molecular]

Hey, Trevor! (Or, I guess Gearhead translated from leetspeak).

I'm sorry I didn't catch this thread earlier, I wish I had, because most of the advice I can give you is now already given, but I'll tell you what I have to say anyway.

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible as I'm prone to dribbling on for ages about nothing, but here's some advice:

First off, women don't work the same way men do. We use logic to analyze emotions. We'll think back to happy memories and think about what tastes we have in common and whatnot and rank the relationship that way. Women use emotions to a greater degree, which we as men will never fully understand.

Also realize that life is no hollywood movie. There's no "grand gesture of love" you can perform that will make her change her emotions. Women never change their emotions this way, it's all drivel, but many of us are programmed to believe this is how things work.

Now I'm not going to tell you that you'll never get back together with this woman of yours. Fact is, none of us knows what the future will hold, HOWEVER, she will not decide to spend the rest of her life with a man she does not respect. Right now, you're not inviting a lot of respect.

What you did all that time you were a doormat for her was boost her confidence. Good, that's probably what you were trying to do. I was were you were, and I spent a good five years to make my girlfriend proud of herself and have the courage to make her own decisions. I spent five years of my life trying to make her feel as good about herself as possible, and what did I get in return? In the end she felt so good about herself, she figured she could do better and dumped me.

The moral of the story?
Your best shot at getting this woman back, is to realize that the relationship is over, and move on. This probably sounds pretty conflicting to you, but it is the truth. As long as you're willing to be there for her, cater to her feelings, and sit around while she strolls around looking for something else, she will not respect you, and she will never realize what you had together. In your head, it makes sense that being there for her will make her realize: "What a great guy you are", but woman just don't work that way, trust me.

This is why NC is extremely important. There's a very big chance she has no intentions to go back to dating you, but the more contact you have with her, the less are the chances she does. And if she doesn't, and you've already begun no contact previously, you'll already be one step ahead.

All I can say to sum up my post is: I know that you're hurting and that you're confused. Believe me, but don't make the mistakes so many of us did. If there was one thing I could go back in time and change, it wouldn't be all the things that eventually lead to me and my girlfriend breaking up, it would be to go back and change the pathetic way I acted when the relationship ended. I'd go back and be a man about it, and the funny thing?
If I did, we'd probably have been back together by now (although I'm actually glad we're not).

There's only one thing you should ever do when you meet a brick wall in life; Push through it. Learn from the experience and grow. You can't even begin to understand how much most of us learned from this experience.
Many people never get to experience losing someone they love so much in such a harsh and unforgiving way, and I've come to pity those who don't experience this, because there's a lesson to be had about yourself as a person that I truly believe isn't achievable in any other way.

As it stands right now, I've never been more happy with the person I am. I've never been stronger as an individual, and looking back at the person I was I cringe when I consider being that same person for the rest of my life, even if it did mean being with her. But I'm Ranting, I hope you understood what I'm trying to say and realize that no matter what your future holds and no matter what your goals are, the only thing you can do right now is stop having contact with her and start focusing on yourself, trust me.

[Gearhe4d]

Thanks for this post, it's another one of the ones that are really kind of getting through to me. I didn't do anything really pathetic or beg, or anything like that when she told me she wanted a break, and all I've done since then is try to understand that right now she wants space, and whether or not it really is a break in her mind, that is what I'm giving her, I haven't once asked her to come back, or told her she made a mistake or anything, you get the point. I did sit her down once though, and ask her directly what went wrong, and what she wants, she told me that she just needs some space and I said that I thought that was fine, but I also highly value our relationship, and think that it's rare for two people to be so insanely similar and good together, and that I really do fear losing it (I didn't do that in a pathetic way though) that's when she told me that it was just a break and that I'm not losing her and she even sees herself marrying me in the future. While all of that sounded great (even though I'm hating having to take a break) she did say that her FRIENDS (AHHH!! ) said that she needs to try dating other people and having fun and such, and she said that made her really think. Another weird thing is that once, after the break was established, she asked to come along with me to Eugene (a city not too far away from ours) and have dinner with me and "hang out," but towards the end of the night I kept getting this vibe from her that she was sort of in the mood, of course I never acted on it, because we aren't together right now, but I surely noticed it.

The next day, she was talking to me on MSN and I happened to tell her something about a dream I had had, just casual conversation, and she mentioned she too had a dream, and it was about me. It was one of "those" dreams, and she was turned on by it. Like an idiot this got me aroused too, and she invited me back over within the next couple of days to watch a movie (keep in mind we are on a "break" still) and she was still in the mood I kept kind of noticing, so I acted on it, and we started to mess around, which she was really into for awhile... and then something happened. She sort of stopped and said that she didn't feel like this was right, and that she shouldn't have told me that she was in the mood and such and then she sort of acted sad and quiet for a bit, and that's when I sat her down and apologized and said we should forget that just happened, and she seemed happy and cool with me again.

Does this mean anything? There's a bit more to it, but I'd rather know if it even matters at this point before I continue.

[Molecular]

The next day, she was talking to me on MSN and I happened to tell her something about a dream I had had, just casual conversation, and she mentioned she too had a dream, and it was about me. It was one of "those" dreams, and she was turned on by it. Like an idiot this got me aroused too, and she invited me back over within the next couple of days to watch a movie (keep in mind we are on a "break" still) and she was still in the mood I kept kind of noticing, so I acted on it, and we started to mess around, which she was really into for awhile... and then something happened. She sort of stopped and said that she didn't feel like this was right, and that she shouldn't have told me that she was in the mood and such and then she sort of acted sad and quiet for a bit, and that's when I sat her down and apologized and said we should forget that just happened, and she seemed happy and cool with me again.

Does this mean anything? There's a bit more to it, but I'd rather know if it even matters at this point before I continue.

I'm no expert and it's really too hard to tell what this was really about. I mean she's young and being "in the mood" isn't exactly something that rarely happens. I've gotten a few of those "phone calls" from my ex since we broke up as well. To me it seems like a classic case of a woman or more likely a girl who doesn't really know what she wants.

On one hand, there's you, the nice guy she can spend the rest of her life with that'll always be there for her, which is the more predictable path. On the other hand there's life being single, dating other guys, which is more random, will probably end up leaving her hurt on numerous occasions, but she doesn't really know what awaits her there.

I think at this point she really doesn't know what she wants, although she's probably already made her decision, she just doesn't know what that decision is. And as long as you're around, no decision is being made for her either. If you stop playing into her hands, one of two things will happen:
She'll either start feeling remorse, realize that this is wrong, and stop you. Or, she'll feel a sense of relief, and go on with her life without you. Either way she'll end up doing the same thing, you'd just speed up the process of her making her decision, although I'd actually wager the chances she'll end up realizing what she's missing if you suddenly disappear from her life is larger than if she constantly has you around.

For all we know, the whole thing could've been just to check if you were still there if things didn't pan out the way she wanted.

Think of it this way; If you started having second thoughts about this relationship, what would you have done? Would you have called it off, said the two of you could never be together again, then live life as a single guy having no knowledge of whether the grass actually IS greener on the other side, or would you make yourself a scenario where you could try the grass on the other side but leave the fence open so you could always go back if you wanted to?

At the end of the day, this is what she's doing. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be able to go out there and see what the world has to offer without necessarily losing the sense of security you've given her over the years. You got to make it clear that she can't have this. Again, the solution is no contact. This is the only thing that will ever make her realize what a mistake she's making, and if she doesn't, she never would have, anyway.

[Gearhe4d]

Hm, again, another really helpful post.

But now I'm trying to think of how I would have wanted her to act if I asked for a break. Would I really want her to just stop being there for me if I needed her, even as a friend? Would that give me the impression that I only want her as an intimate partner kind of thing?

I just want her to see me as the guy who is there for her, and will be there for her, and won't treat her like crap, and can listen... but I just went a little overboard with it, like a moron

[Molecular]

But now I'm trying to think of how I would have wanted her to act if I asked for a break. Would I really want her to just stop being there for me if I needed her, even as a friend?

No, you wouldn't. You would want her to be there for you, and that's just the thing. She wants you to be there for her, without her "being there for you". It's an unfair tradeoff, and you can not let it stand.

I just want her to see me as the guy who is there for her, and will be there for her, and won't treat her like crap, and can listen... but I just went a little overboard with it, like a moron

We all go overboard with it, I know I did. The thing is though, she knows you're there for her. She's perfectly clear of who you are and what you have to offer. But you can't give her these things when she's not in a relationship with you. Over the last few years every fiber of your body has programmed you to always put her needs in front of your own, so a part of you wants her to be happy even if you're not in a relationship with her, it's understandable, I know I was there.

Question being; If she has you there, as a friend, to help her out when she needs help. Be there for her, and still put her feelings over your own, why would she need you as a boyfriend? You'd be giving her all the best things about you for free. Not only would she not respect you as a result, you'd be destroying yourself.

You seem like a wonderful person. There's plenty of women out there who would kill for a guy like you, but your current girl only know of relationships the way things were with you. It's been two years. Somewhere in her head she doesn't realize that all those things you did to make her happy, you did because you were a good catch. She thinks this is what relationships are like and won't realize she's missing something without you.

And the only way she'll ever realize is by you simply not being there. I know it's really really hard to do, but you need to put this woman off the pedestal. You need to realize she's just another woman, insecure about herself and very unsure about where she is in life. She's not perfect, there's nothing all that special about her, she's just another confused girl who probably needs to make her own mistakes to realize what she's lost.

[Gearhe4d]

Wow, I don't know if it's how you've worded it or what, but it really feels like it's all making sense now for some reason. So, if I completely cut her off now, it won't hurt her feelings and make her not want me honestly?

[Molecular]

Wow, I don't know if it's how you've worded it or what, but it really feels like it's all making sense now for some reason. So, if I completely cut her off now, it won't hurt her feelings and make her not want me honestly?

Well it will probably hurt her feelings somewhat, since at the moment she wants you there as a friend. Operative word being friend, she wants you there as a friend and nothing more. I can however guarantee you that you're only hurting your chances of ever being her boyfriend again if you keep letting her have you around as "just a friend".

And as I said previously, chances are she never does want to be in a relationship with you again, as harsh as this may sound. But I really can guarantee you that you're only hurting your chances by being there for her right now. It's not like if you one day disappear she'll instantly forget who you are. She knows who you are, you don't need to show her. But she needs to see how life is without you, and she'll either find out that life without you is horrible and want you back, or she'll find out that life without you isn't all that bad and move on.

The important part is that you move on in the meanwhile and get some perspective on life. When we say no contact we really mean no contact. No msn, no stalking of the Facebook, no talking to friends and family to find out how things are going. Time will teach you a valuable lesson that you need to accept. If she decides to come back to you, she will, in the meanwhile, realize there's a good chance she won't, and live life accordingly. Learn to live without her, if she doesn't come back, that's her loss. But the only person who's really important here is you, and never forget that you're always more important than anyone else.
Always.

[Gearhe4d]

Hm, I guess I just can't get over this feeling that if I break all contact, she might end up hating it and missing me and indeed wanting me back, but what if she dosen't act on it? I know her quite well, and she's always been one to just basically deal with pain, and not let it out, or really make a point to get what she might really want.

I don't want to miss an opportunity to get her back (like let's say somehow the sparks flew on that Portland trip) and she decides to try me out again, boom, I could do this properly and everything could be fine.

But yeah, I just am afraid to miss an opportunity.

[411Help]

You will never understand will you?

This is not about HER. This is about YOU.

Not contacting her is not a way for you to get her back. Like I said before, this is a way to get YOURSELF back.

[talaniman]

Very well said Molecular, and very true.

The thing our friend Gear needs to know is that unless he gives up the false hope, and accept she only wants friendship, he will always see chances and opportunities to get her back, and will chase those hopes, and never heal.

No Contact lets you heal, and see reality, and you can look at yourself, and decide what you really need. And see that she is not filling that need.

Your not alone, as many come here and stay in denial of the facts, until your girl decides her interest lie elsewhere, and then the real hurt comes.

Its not about giving up hope, its about accepting the things you can't change ( her mind) and doing what you can control ( your actions )

Yes my friend, your addicted. Your dependence on her is not healthy for you, or her.

[Gearhe4d]

So, I took some time out today and thought about what I would say to her about how I feel right now if I were so inclined to do so.

What do you guys think?

"Hey, I wanted to tell you something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and it's just that I know now that I made you feel bad and awkward by being around too much, but I just want you to know that I never intended to make you feel that way, and I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you back when you suggested us seeing each other less and having more time to ourselves and to be around other people too. I wish I would have acted on that instead of being childish about it. I got too attached to you, because you're the first person I've ever truly fallen in love with, and this isn't to try to make you reconsider our relationship or anything, or to try to make you feel bad at all, honestly. Everything I have ever done for you and with you was out of love, and my only intention was to make you happy, I have never expected anything in return from you and I have always wanted to be there for you when you need someone. I just feel like I need to tell you this, and say thank you for being there and with me during the best time of my life. I do hope to be together with you again, but only if you want to be together with me again as well. No matter what happens I do love you and I have no bad or angry feelings toward you. I hope this eases some tension between us, and helps take off any stress you might have been feeling about me, just remember, I want us both to be happy, no matter what happens, and I will always be your friend, and someone you can come to if you need someone.

Just don't forget about me. That's all I ask."

Eh?

[zeeniee]

Nice Vent- glad you posted it in here and not sent it to the EX

Never show your weakness to the EX- they will just use it to their and NOT YOUR advantage!

[zeeniee]

Now you have got this off your chest- why don't you go and do something for yourself!

You will be surprise at how nice you will feel for a change- go on- get off this site and do something and when you get on this site next- tell us what you did... we are waiting...

[Gearhe4d]

Uh, it's 11:30 at night... I could... uhhh... chew.. some gum?