[BillRoland]

Ok, so an update and a request for advice.

As many of you know, my current "girlfriend" of 5+ years broke up with me, was definitely with other men (99% sure), and then we got back together. She claimed she needed time to "find herself" and now knows that I'm the one she wants.

I've tried to put the past behind me and make things work because despite all that's happened, I love her. And don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to.

That being said, I don't trust her AT ALL. But I can't figure out if I am just so overly sensative and paranoid that I am making it up. Or, if there is really something going on.

To give y'all some background. She now lives by herself about 45 minutes away from me. We see each other approx 3 times a week and talk multiple times everyday. She tells me she loves me and constantly makes references that I'm the man she wants to marry. And has been making a lot of references recently about "she's ready to get married".

That being said, she constantly cancels plans to see me. Always saying let's just do something another night or makes some sort of excuse.

I am aware that she has not told most of her friends that we are back in a relationship.

Our sex life has gone from great; to once every two weeks. She has always claimed that she is just not a sexual person. But I am aware she has been with MANY partners.

She is very protective about her phone and constantly checks it.

Then, last night we went to a bar. I ran across the street to visit my friend. When I came back she was talking to a guy. When I asked who he was, after having to pry it out of her, she admitted that he was someone that her sister set her up with when we broke up but that they had never met. I saw on her phone his name and found out that she had been texting with him over the past few weeks (we got back together months ago) and invited him to come meet her at the bar. When I questioned her about it, she said "oh, I invited him for my single friend"? I also found out from another one of her friends, that my girlfriend showed her a picture online of this guy the day before and commented how handsome he was.

After this, I also found out that she has been texting with another guy that she "went out with" when we broke up. But she claims that he just keeps inviting her out and she is only being nice by responding.

On the other hand, while she does cancel plans with me I know that she is home on the nights she does (I speak with her) and over the past couple weeks has not gone out by herself or just with her friends - so it would be very difficult for her to be actually cheating on me with someone. She also does make plans to do things with me with her friends and family.

So, the question is, is it wrong for her to be talking with and inviting to meet out some guy that her sister set her up with while she is "in a relationship" with me? When I raised the issue, she told me I was the one with trust issues. When I told her that was OK as long as he knew that she was "in a relationship", she claimed she didn't need to go out of her way to tell anyone that.

I get the daily feeling that she is just keeping me around until she finds something better. And based on her history, is doing deceitful things behind my back. Maybe not going out with other guys, but definintely talking to them.

If that is the case, why would she waste her time to just keep me on the back burner. Or, am I just so paranoid from all the bad things that happened that I am making it up in my head.

The Catch 22 is; I'm miserable without her (unable to function) and I'm miserable with her (but is it of my own doing?). I just wish she could be a good person. Or maybe I'm the one that is too critical?

[vanheart]

"I get the daily feeling that she is just keeping me around until she finds something better"

That's what it sounds like to me too. Don't let her.

Like I said, cut your losses now. Doesn't seem like its getting any better or will.

She can say whatever you want to hear, but her actions speak volumes.

[Homegirl 50]

Did you really solve the issues from when you broke up before? I'll bet not.
Why did you take her back?
You don't trust her, you have the same issues as before and now you're asking advice again.

She is not going to be who and what you want her to be. She is who she is.
Get a clue. Leave her alone. And really leave her alone this time.

[vanheart]

Agree.

[bella99]

Sounds to me like you are "goign out" with her for convenience and she is doing the same thing. Of course when you break up with her you are going to be miserable at first - you deal with it and it goes away. Sounds like she is just waiting for something better to come along just like you said - and when it does you are going to be miseralbe when she breaks up with you anyway.

You don't trust her - and you never fixed any of your problems so they will keep being issues. Can you live the next 60 years of your life with someone you don't trust?

End it now - it will hurt - but its going to hurt just as much when she breaks up with you. Make it a clean break - no talking - no texting - SERIOUSLY this time - and move on - there are better people in the world that you will be able to love and trust who will dot he same for you.

[talaniman]

Harshness warning
If you were not so obsessed by your own fear of losing her, you could have walked away a very looooooooooooooooooooong time ago, and healed, and found happiness already.

Until you get over the FALSE FEELING you will never be attracted to any one like you are her ever in life, you will drown in your own sh!t!!

For one, how the freak do you know what you will find if you stop being stuck, and put the effort you put into wasting your time with her, and her BS, into moving beyond her and getting a life that you enjoy, then you would have better options and opportunities than you do now!!

For sure, even you can see how unhealthy your thinking has become since this whole thing started. You are a insecure, scared, paranoid, needy person who is a lousy partner for anyone. Not her fault, its YOURS, so grow up, and own it, and change it.

And you keep coming back asking for stuff you don't want to hear, nor intend to think about. See a doctor, get a pill, because your ears ain't listening.

[Homegirl 50]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.


I agree 100%

[kaka67]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.


I agree 100%

Me too!!

[vanheart]

Totally.

[wonderlife]

I'm sorry but your latest post makes me feel like at this stage you just still don't think about breaking up with her. I say I'm sorry because I seriously think, after reading your posts, that "This guy deserves far more better than this!"

And even she does something that clearly not respect you and continually put you in doubts. After giving you some lame explanations, you believe it or even you have some doubts, you still always try to find reasons to make an excuse for her or think that maybe you yourself are having issues or it's you who think too much. She doesn't even have to put any efforts to do a single thing to keep you or the relationship as you will always be here for her no matter what. Maybe when the more right guy for her shows up, she may break up with you (again) and when it doesn't work out, she can still get you back to her (again) as your actions and your words really match together "despite all that's happened, I love her. And don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to". She is just so lucky then, nothing to lose at all on her side.

But how's about you, what's about you? If we all say, this is not good enough for you and we think she lies and she doesn't care about you, are you going to believe us and break up with her? I believe that people who post all comments here want you to be happy. And in my opinion, how can you be happy if you have so many doubts with what she has done to you. Even if you convince yourself that it's you who think too much, can you stop the feelings of having doubts and the fear that one day she might go away from you?

It's normal to feel the way you feel. When someone dumps you for whatever reasons, it normally causes so much pain of being left and being abandoned. That's why most people usually don't go back to the ex and I think that's a more sensible decision. They choose to move on rather than going back to the one who causes them so much pain. How can you trust someone who hurt you once or more than once? Lot of us choose to feel the pain of the break up and they all survive and it's true that the pain usually fade away when time goes by. They choose to be with themselves than being with someone who no longer wanted them or treated them badly.

Based on me, and based on many good caring honest girls in the world, if I love someone, I don't leave him, I don't put him down, I don't break up with him, I don't lie, I don't cheat, and I never intentionally hurt my boyfriend feelings. When there's any problem or issue, I will honestly communicate with him and talk to him, so he can always trust me. And if you meet a girl with this character and integrity, the word "trust" won't even be an issue at all. It's really nice that you want her to be a good person. But the point is that you just can't and never be able to change the person to be whatever you like them to be. She is who she is and she won't change for you.

Therefore, I don't understand when you say that you love her and you say you don't believe you find someone better, if that so, then, why you still seem to suffer and have so many doubts instead of being happy? If she is all you want, you have to accpet all her qualities and for who she is, for both good and bad, right? You have to be ready and prepare to be a good backup in case that she dumps you again. At the same time, you also have to be ready to accept that, for who she is, she won't care so much about you and will always continue putting you in doubts or might secretly dating other guys sometimes. Are you prepared to handle those things that might happen (because she did them all before)?

From what I see, you keep posting here because you suffer from her actions and you don't trust her. Why keep going on this way and suffer yourself? You hope she will change for you one day? I don't think you deserve this at all. This is not about her, as she is who she is, but it's about you. After all those things she has done, you love her I know, but do you love yourself enough to begin to believe that you might deserve something or someone better?

You said "don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to." If you still attract to someone who broke up with you, put you down, and always look out for other guys, or even lied to you, if you believe that this is all you can have, then you are right about it. Sorry to be harsh, but when you believe it this way, you won't even think about other alternatives or stand up for yourself (let alone breaking up with her), so this will become truly all you can have (sometimes happy, but then mostly doubts, suffer, upset, roller coaster, or whatever).

My ex dumped me and treated me very badly, used and lied to me most of the time when we were together. In my case, he didn't come back (thanks god!). But assumed that he does come back and begging me, I will just say "No". I will never ever take him back to my life again. And the same as you on the fact that I really and do love this guy a lot I never imagine loving someone this much. But I separate my feelings from the fact and reality, I have to love myself more not to let myself being treated the way he treated me, or let someone who hurt me and caused me such a deep pain back into my life and wish that it will be different. I won't falsely believe that I can still have a future with a person who dumped me and badly hurt me as I just won't trust and won't believe anymore and why should I?

My age is close to you, and even if I become 50, I won't believe that I can't be happy on my own or can't find someone better. The opportunity is always there and it's only you to choose whether to see it or not. There're endless of possibilities out there, please just keep positive outlook towards life. I don't believe that this ex guy is the only one I'm going to love. I believe that I deserve to be with someone far better than him and I will find someone who will deeply and truly love me for who I am and I will reciprocate his feelings. In the case that I don't find that someone, I can be happy on my own surrounded by family and friends who cherish me and never dump or leave me for whatever reasons. I consider that far better than anything already.

Until you start to change some of your perspectives and some of your beliefs and direct them to a more positive way and towards a way of loving and cherishing yourself, you will remain stuck in this relationship. Please VALUE yourself.

[jan100]

I don't if this will help since I am going through a similar break up.
But, a few days ago I was in a relationship where my boyfriend was simply not available. I made excuses due to his hectic work schedule, but my gut feelings told me that there was something more going on that just wasn't right with the relationship.

But I stayed because I was blindsided by the way he treated me: he treated me well and made sure I received just enough attention. I felt that the relationship was going nowhere because we were simply not compatible. But we never really had any heated argument. Silence can be quite deadly sometimes!

But as I had posted before in my story, he broke up with me due to my request for more quality time (I thought this was a reasonable request. He on the other hand probably thought I was making drama. Whatever.). He came back later and then asked for time- off. Either way, I was devastated. Didn't eat, sleep and was lagging behind with work. I hated that I was losing control over my life.

But, I also I hated the feeling of being alone and was latched on to making the relationship work. I eventually begged and he came back. Everything seemed to be back to normal.

NOT so. His break up caused me more pain and I began to see the relationship for what it was. I ended the relationship 2 weeks later, because I realized he loved me but was not really into me after he had said something to me that day (it had triggered my decision to end it). He didn't step up. I found out later, I had broken up over a big miscommunication. He had no intentions of breaking up with me.

The funny thing is... if it was meant to be and eventhere was miscommunication he had the perfect chance to explain his side of the story when I broke up with him. He didn't explain himself and simply agreed to the break up. Either way, the relationship was not worth it to me because I realized it was simply more of a toxic attraction that I was so latched on to. And my head was telling me enough is enough.

I'm sure deep down, your head and heart is telling you the right answer, but that fatal attraction/ addiction towards her and fear of loneliness are pulling you back.

Trust me. It is hard to break up and breathe on your own. I've had a few relapses where I text him to meet up. But then, I thought, "what am I doing?" I am still mourning and fighting urges to reconcile. But the best thing about the break-up was that I was finally able to find the courage and stop what was not healthy for me. I can finally be me.

Anyhow, I don't know if my story is any help, but wanted to share it with you to show that you are not alone in this crisis.

[beachloverjohn]

You should have married her when you had the chance..

[BillRoland]

First, I wanted to thank everyone for the support and advice. I am aware it is so hard to give advice on something when you don't know me or my exact situation; only what I am able to put here online.

That being said, I agree with what a lot of you have written. I know deep down she is NOT the perfect person I am looking for (i.e. someone who puts me before themselves as I did with her and would do for someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with).

On the other hand, there are so many good things about her that I love and have never had with anyone else (e.g. almost identical common interests, a good family that cares about me, she's so beautiful that if I were married to her I would never want to cheat with another woman, etc.). Which is why it makes all the awful things that happen and the bad things currently happening so difficult.

It is a horrible position to be in because with her I am happy but sometimes miserable. Without her, I am devistated and unable to focus on anything else. I know this is unhealthy and I know it is more of my personal issues that are causing this.

For example, I can admit a lot of this has to do with my insecurities. I want to be able to provide her with the house, car, life without having to worry about money, things she wants, etc. - but financially I just can't. To make it worse, her boss (the married man) she was with and all her friends and her work colleagues - live this life and they bring her into it. I can tell, it is very important to her. And, I guess, if you had the ability to be rich and have many well connected friends to do all these things - who wouldn't want that?

In addition, I can admit that I haven't been the perfect person for her either (I've lied to her, I've sometimes treated her badly, etc.). But I hope that people can change. That is probably the only reason I still hang on to our relationship; the mere hope that maybe it can be what it once was and what I want it to be.

The reality is, I know in my heart that I can't keep her - I'm not good enough. Or maybe, I am - and I deserve better - but I just have no confidence that I need to keep her in my life to feel better because sometimes, as bad as it is, it feels like it is the only good thing I have going for me.

[BillRoland]

To summarize - yes, I am unbelievably insecure, paranoid, etc. I am probably not a good partner to be in a relationship because it causes me to be jealous and question everything.

On the other hand, maybe I should question everything because of her actions.

It would be so much easier if I could just catch her cheating or lying, etc. But instead she is always very cunning and makes me feel like I am crazy to question her. Then tells me she loves me and only wants to be with me. It makes me think, maybe I am crazy to not trust her?

It almost feels like I am in a mentally abusive relationship. But if you asked her, she would say there is nothing wrong I am doing it to myself.

[talaniman]

So you are stuck on her. I can understand that, so at some point you are going to have to make a decision, and stick by it no matter what the outcome is, good or bad so either jump in all the way and take the risk of facing a disaster, or walk away and never look back. Sitting on the fence only results in splinters on your butt and a severe case of hemorrhoids.

Make a decision for yourself, and end this torture, as I know you have personal issues that you need to address for yourself, but too bullheaded to explore any solutions, that don't give you what you want, and the thing you want is her, instead of being happy with yourself.

But you know all this as we keep going around to the same thing over and over, so enough venting, ranting, and stuff like that, its time for action my friend and I mean do something besides b1tch about the situation, and your feelings. She ain't going to change not one bit, are you?

But if you asked her, she would say there is nothing wrong I am doing it to myself.

She is right. Time to sh1t, or get off the pot.

[mystific]

Well admitting you have these faults is a start. You've now created a foundation on which to improve on.

However everything you put after, you've destroyed that foundation and gone back to square 1 again.

It can't be much of a honest, trustworthy and committed relationship if you're looking for something to pin on her.

And to be honest the only one being mentally absused in this relationship is you.. and unfortunately you're doing it to yourself.

You should have walked away and left it long ago. And wisely advised by Talaniman a while back.

[talaniman]

I think you are in need of an honest self evaluation, without her influence. It's a painful process, but one that could break your addiction to this female. Are you up for it, or would you rather wallow in your own misery?

Like I said, make a decision for yourself.

[wonderlife]

Bill, regardless of what you will do, I think as long as you still have her in your life and still be with her, it will be very difficult to have a clear mind of what's going on. I don't say that you don't have some negative personalities, I read most of your posts and of course, as you said, I feel that you are not a secure or a confident type of person. I mean as human, we all have some negative behaviors or some bad habits and it's our own decision to improve ourselves to be a better person, which will of course contribute to our success and happiness with our own self and with other people around us.

But again, as you post your questions regarding the girl, I recommend that you should move on, maybe learn to be alone for a while, be with friends and family and simply be happy with your life. I think this is a better choice because, either it's because of you, her, or both you two, I see you suffer and not happy in the relationship and get stuck in something that's obviously unhealthy.

However, from what I see, I don't think you can walk away until there are some events that hit your limitation hard enough and clear enough you just can't remain stuck anymore, i.e. she (again) breaks up with you (totally let you go and never come back), or you catch her obviously cheat or lie to you again and again. I don't know when that point will come or when you will just get enough of it and tired of it. I'm concerned that that point might never come at all without any help on her part. If there's no situation that force you to leave her, you will remain stuck. Even when she breaks up with you, only some sweet words can get you back so easy. You just can't do it on your own (right now obviously).

"I just have no confidence that I need to keep her in my life to feel better because sometimes, as bad as it is, it feels like it is the only good thing I have going for me." This was exactly what I thought and that's why I never left my ex, until (with his help) he dumped me and never came back. And only NC, without him in my life, I begin to consider and evaluate the relationship without any bias and came to the conclusion that this was not the relationship that's worth saving (my false or his false just doesn't matter much than my belief to be happy on my own and my feeling of getting enough of the guy) and it'd better for me to take another way, so I never contact my ex again and begin to live my life. It's very difficult I have doubts if I can make it, but I'm still here and survive without him in my life.

Why you consider her the only good thing in your life? Don't you think that's bit unfair to other people who love and care about you? Maybe you just don't look at any other things that much. By keep being too obsessive on her, how can you see other things better than her? Just seeing a blue sky, doing some charity, hanging out with some good friends, can make you incredibly happy.

Anyway, I don't see you can do it or you can see it the way I see just yet. Anyway, I hope you will try to be more positive and be happier with your life and change some of your perspectives. Please don't suffer yourself or worry too much about her. Please engage yourself in other nice activities rather than just thinking about her. I hope there will be time when you really figure out what's the best for you. If you don't feel ready getting out, no one can push you to do so. Best of luck to you.

[bella99]

You first posted this is March - and you are still going through all of this just as if it was day 1 in March. When my ex broke up with me it was April 09 - I wallowed in it for a while - but by September I had pretty much accpted it and moved on. It is much less painful than you think to move on from an abusive relationship (sounds like this one is both her and you causing mental abuse on yourself). Yea it hurts in the beginning but just take it one day at a time - the more time and distance between you and the ex the less it hurts.

You have been dragging this out for months now -yea you thought you beat the system when she took you back, but really what did you win? You are definitely in more pain now than you would have been had you just told her to shove it and moved on back in the beginning.

It's not too late though to start now. Tell her to take a walk - and don't you look back. It is GOING TO HURT but - just think every week the pain will be less until you don't think about it anymore.

You sound like you could use a dose of being single - learning to enjoy life with friends - with out a significant other. You can't truly love another person and experience their love for you if you can't love yourself when you are alone. So - go out and experience and enjoy life - be selfish - love yourself. The world does not revolve around this one girl - you are missing out on a lot of good times by sticking to her.

In sum: get out - tell her to shove it - don't look back EVER!

[Homegirl 50]

You need to let this girl go and focus on you. You can't do that while you're still wondering about her sincerity.
You're miserable with her and miserable without her. Leave her alone and work on yourself.