[emily_godzilla]

Here are two websites I found :
The Samaritans of New York - Homepage
And this one too New York Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression. maybe if you tried calling one of these hotlines before taking any tyelonol or pills or cutting or anything to hurt yourself maybe then you could feel better. I really think you need someone to listen to you and if it were someone in your area they could better advise and assist you. Please do not feel as though there is no help for you there are places willing to help but first you must reach out.

[give2me1lemons]

Turns out the game glitched today, and he was drunk last night when he said all that. He doesn't even remember it. Things still suck between us though because I'm always upset now and always get upset with him or make him upset with me. It hurt that he can apologise and be so nice drunk, but in the end it means nothing because he wasn't in the right frame of mind when he said it.

I had a persistent headache and felt tired and tipsy even though I slept from 2-noon (saw no point in getting up at ten when there's nothing for me to do here). I have to make myself take care of myself (ie. Get up and brush my teeth and get ready for bed). I took 8 tylenol, and my head still hurt (but has stopped now). I felt so close to just asking my mom if she could take me to a therapist earlier and not tell my dad, but I'm far from that now. Besides, she would tell him, and he would not leave me alone if I admitted it.

But I feel like it's probably something real because I can't seem to shake it. And I'm not sure I can do anything productive until I fix it. The most proactive I get is looking at options on the internet (jobs, colleges, volunteer abroad qualifications, therapists, and my local hospital), but even the idea of talking to an actual person and hearing a voice is scary.

Is it wrong that I kind of just want to be committed? Because then I wouldn't have to tell them how I get so much as have them witness it. And I'd be safe from myself and away from reality for a while. Maybe I could just link them this site and let them see for themselves rather than try to explain. It would give them something to go on.

I don't know if you can say I'm suicidal. A danger, maybe, but not outright suicidal. I don't want to tie up there lines.

Thank you for the links.

[give2me1lemons]

Can liver damage be reversed?

The liver is a unique organ. It is the only organ in the body that is able to regenerate... that is completely repair the damage. With most organs, such as the heart, the damaged tissue is replaced with scar, like on the skin. The liver, however, is able to replace damaged tissue with new cells. An extreme example is a patient who suffers an overdose from Tylenol. In this example up to 50 - 60 percent of the liver cells may be killed within 3 - 4 days. However, if no other complications arise, the patient's liver will repair completely, and a liver biopsy after 30 days will appear completely normal with no signs of damage and no scar.

Liver Disease: Frequently Asked Questions: Health Topics: University of Iowa Health Care

[give2me1lemons]

Reviving this with new ideas..

To be honest, I did take eight tylenol yesterday kind of spitefully as I was upset by my mother. Other than that, I haven't since whenever I last said I did on here (it feels like forever ago, but it hasn't been a month yet since I dropped out).

I remembered something.. my mom works with two autistic men now. One is around thirty and the other is twenty. I've met and kind of "helped" her with both, I guess you could say (setting up an online game for the thirty year old and just talking to, and when I was younger, hanging out with the twenty year old). I've known the twenty year old since he was in the seventh grade (I was nine). My mom started working with him then, and she was in school with him all day. Then she often did activities with him outside of school to help him socialize and kind of branch out. I remember swimming with him and my friend a couple times, and he still does card club. Anyhow, I was jealous. That's what I figured out. I don't know if that's what KISS meant when he suspected abuse/neglect or if that makes any sense out of me, but her time with him started in the midst of when things started getting really sucky. I felt like she didn't have enough time for me, and I resented him. It was a long time before I saw him as the sweet guy he really is (though sometimes he does still irk me-like when I'd need a ride somewhere and want my music or to talk to my mom but he's there and I have to censor myself-especially when I've had a bad day). I think that's when I really started to withdraw because I guess I felt a little abandoned. Then I remember being mad at her-both of my parents, but it was her new schedule that messed things up-because I couldn't hang out with friends or do what I wanted really so much anymore because I had to work around her schedule.

(It still bothers me when she is home and she wants to sleep or she "watches" movies with my dad and I the few times I do come out by playing freecell in the other room and listening. Or today when I wanted to talk to her about politics and curent issues because I've always been a nerd that way, and she isn't in the mood for it. Or how I need both my parents right now to help me get my license and, as I have no license, go apply for jobs and get things in motion. I feel stuck again, and they never are up for anything. Either they are busy or they are tired or they become busy and I am interrupted, most days.)

Then I don't know if this anything other than boredom, but my sleep habits have been so messed up. It's about 4am now. Two nights ago I was up until 5am, then slept until 12pm. Last night I was up until midnight, then slept until 11am. Since dropping out, it's basically consisted of me sleeping noon then saying up until 2am at the latest. Then I don't even want to wake up at noon, but I do and eat. Then I just wan to go back to sleep, but I make myself stay up and wake up. Then, when I should be exhausted and ready for bed, I get involved in life altering decisions and just can't seem to make myself go to bed. When I stayed with my friend at her college last weekend and was forced to go to bed at 1 or 2am, I tossed and turned half the night.

Penultimately, I don't trust myself. I think I am a perpetual dreamer. I was sooo excited for that college as I saw it as a way out of my hometown that I loathe so much. In a big city far away with no one I knew, I saw it as a chance to start over and be who I wanted to be. Now that I've dropped out, I've chalked it up to lack of direction and trying to be soemthing I'm not. Now I have found a new school I am in love with-and I don't trust myself. I'm too intense, and it worries me. I haven't even applied yet, and I'm looking at all these courses and imagining having my own cheap car so I can drive off campus to the woods or the beach and escape people. Or how I could just drive around the new state and explore-maybe go to the city once in a while. I have the next several months suddenly mapped out-how I'll work and save, buy a cheap car, then do at least one short volunteer abroad trip before school in the summer... but I haven't applied to college, don't have a license, and don't have a job. I have plans to solve those setbacks, but is it bad that I'm getting so far ahead of myself? I saw a future at the other school too, though very different.

Lastly, I'm torn between three majors: marine biology, environmental studies, and adventure recreation. I love animals and want a job that will allow me to work around the world (I'm prepared to spend six years on a masters) in exciting locations. The volunteer abroad trips have gotten me interested in the conservation aspect of this (though I always sort of was anyway). Then I love things that involve risk and adventure. A lot of the courses for adventure recreation sound right up my alley-they are amazing! However, I was thinking marine biology would be best, and then I could take the courses for adventure recreation that interest me (there's a lot!) if I am allowed as they would probably be useful they way I want to work anyway. However, I know biology was not my favorite class in high school (though I enjoy science) as my teacher was really not all that great at teaching in a way that worked for me (endless tangents and marking up pre-printed notes with illustrations and things that bothered me to add, though necessary, because they seemed like graffiti to me). Then I'm horrible at math. I guess I could always change my major if I can't cut it as a marine biologist, but then I don't really want to be a tour guide either. Ahh, I don't know what to do.


It feels better to have my thoughts written out like that. Any feedback is welcome.

[KISS]

You hit the nail on the head (neglect) and this, I think, confirms it: http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/fac...nsequences.pdf

Agree/disagree?

I think you identified the problem, so you have something to work with. Good job.

To give you something's to look at: Amazon.com:

[give2me1lemons]

I looked up the definition of neglect..

Child neglect: Child neglect is the most frequently reported form of child abuse (60% of all cases) and the most lethal.

Child neglect is the failure to provide for the shelter, safety, supervision and nutritional needs of the child. Child neglect may be physical, educational, or emotional neglect:

Physical neglect includes refusal of or delay in seeking health care, abandonment, expulsion from the home or refusal to allow a runaway to return home, and inadequate supervision.

Educational neglect includes the allowance of chronic truancy, failure to enroll a child of mandatory school age in school, and failure to attend to a special educational need.

Emotional neglect includes such actions as marked inattention to the child's needs for affection, refusal of or failure to provide needed psychological care, spouse abuse in the child's presence, and permission of drug or alcohol use by the child.

Child neglect definition - Medical Dictionary definitions of popular medical terms easily defined on MedTerms

The bolds are possible truths. Going backwards, my mom let me take pills to sleep sometimes (I think sometimes they were hers, but I didn't care). This happened a lot when my dog first died and I just wanted to sleep and not think. Then she let me have wine since she found out about my sister and her boyfriend letting me get drunk. Except I'm an 18, so I wouldn't really count that. Though she let me have it when I got back from college that night to keep me calm. She has given me small overdoses before, like 3 or 4 tylenol, when I was especially in pain. (permission of drug or alcohol abuse by the child)

I'm not sure about "failure to provide needed psychological care". I'm not sure if I needed it then or necessarily need it now. My mom brought it up a lot, but she never followed through with anything because I freaked out so bad. I think that ones on me. I never let people help me.

I told you how I felt she wasn't there for me when I needed her. (marked inattention to the child's needs for affection)

I missed a lot of school. I think it started in seventh grade, but maybe it was sixth. My parents weren't always happy about it-especially my dad-but they let me. I stayed home because I felt ugly or because I was exhausted or because I hated people or because I was behind in homework because I was tired.. sometimes my mom let me stya home without my dad's permission. I'd have to stay quiet when he came home from lunch because neither of us wanted to make him angry. It worked until senior year when the nurse, out to get me because I always had excuses, would call my dad at work to ask where I was rather than my mom. (the allowance of chronic truancy)

I'd say "failure to attend to a special educational need", but I never let anyone help me with math. That's how I fell behind and developed problems with it.

It wasn't physical, other than that one fight we had. I felt abandoned sometimes, bit it wasn't abandonment. I was never really home alone, that I remember, until I was sixteen. By then, I loved it. Before that I had my sister with me in the house (she is four years older). They never noticed the cutting or the pills or the burning or when I occasionally drank at my friend's house (never drunk), but then most parents wouldn't.

(That's another thing.. I've wondered before if my mom burns. She has a lot of burn scars on her arms, but they are on the tops, not the inside like mine. She used to be a waitress/bartender and lived in a very traditional home (she's 55 and was raised on a farm), so maybe it's from that. Except sometimes she still gets them, and her answers are very vague when I ask where she got them. She never really tells me, just says it's a burn. Either I'm reading too much into it because I do it, or there's something (new) she's not telling me.)

Then my sister has always said she raised herself, and that our parents did the best they could so to forgive and move on. She's had issues with crappy boyfriends (lost her virginity at 13/14 to a guy two years older, had a live in boyfriend her freshmen year at college who she became engaged to and ended up hitting her once, then some stoners and whatever she never told me), but other than that she has always been hugely successful and has a great boyfriend now.

Except I know my parents love and care about me. I think I remember telling her how I felt wayyy back when I was a kid and her job first started, but then I decided the job was important. I brought it up kind of recently, and she said she will try harder and did watch one movie with us to completion and then House last night (which happened to be about him finally getting help for his depression problems).

With neglect, I always pictured the unwashed, smelly kids at school who wore the same thing every day because their parents didn't care. I don't know, but then my sister always felt like I stole their attention growing up and I always blamed her. I'm still super sensitive to being talked over or ignored (I used to flat out refuse to continue what I'd been saying if I was cut off). So confusing.

As for your site, I have often considered I might be borderline since learning the term. Then how I spontaneously developed allergies when I was 14, but they don't bother me except in New York and aren't as bad as they used to be (the first couple summers I was miserable, and I always just thought it was a plant newly introduced to the area that only grows in New York-regular pollen doesn't bother me, and you can see it covering the windshields sometimes when I'm in Pennsylvania). I just don't know. I think it's common for parents to get involved in work and not always support their kids the way their kids would like. I just happen to be very sensitive. Have you read the book? Thank you.

Only 13 tylenol left by the way.

[KISS]

I'll read your response when my head feels better. It's trying to rain.

Meanwhile, plant the Tylenols in some soil and see what kind of plant grows.

[give2me1lemons]

I have that effect on people.;)

It rained here earlier. I love the rain.

I actually laughed when you said to plant the tylenol. However, I'm going to finish them tonight and be done with it. I'm frustrated and don't really care about my liver at the moment. At least after tonight I'll be done.

I think if it was neglect, it's more than that now.

[KISS]

I get headaches when it rains. You were supposed to laugh when I said to "plant the Tylenol

I think if it was neglect, it's more than that now.

That's the point. You are what you eat. Or, your upbringing molds the way you think, act and respond. You were not conditioned the right way.

[give2me1lemons]

And now I'm sad the tylenol is gone because it was a really satisfying way to hurt myself.

Why is it so hard to listen to me? No one listens.

It's always the same friggin fight with my dad. He wants to do something to my computer that I couldn't care less about. He somehow forgets or disregards the fact that I have germ issues and don't want him touching things or me or going in my room. He comes in my room (this time struggling to install wireless that we don't need because I am the only one with a laptop, I only feel safe in my room, and the cable is 6ft long). He touches my laptop to get it where he can see, touching my bed in the process because he is clumsy. He then knocks my wireless mouse off the bed in the same stroke. I tell him to leave it please, I beg him not to touch anything. He picks up the mouse and sets it on my bed. He wants me to bring the laptop out in the living room. I tell him I don't want to do this and I don't need it. He flips out on me, saying I always ask him to help me (I asked him for some password it said I needed but definitely didn't make-he didn't listen to me about that either, even though I told him repeatedly), but then I never let him help. He gets all hurt and angry and storms off. I have just spent an hour and a half setting up something I never wanted, letting my food go cold (and now I'm worried, as I tend to make less sense the more upset I get, that because there was a fly in my room it may have landed on my food and laid eggs and if I eat it... all I've had today anyway is cereal, so I'm really hungry, but I can't eat it.. ). It's just not fair or right. Why can't people listen to me??




I just hate my life and me and this whole thing. My life isn't horrible, but it's miserable. I just wish I could break from everything and run off and disappear. The only thing I'm afraid of is hurting my family. I just know I don't want to be here.

[JudyKayTee]

I say this as gently as I can - tylenol causes liver damage and that's a terrible, terrible, painful death.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day you will have some very serious liver problems.

Please - rethink what you are doing.

Why is Tylenol "satisfying" to you.

And if you think running away is hurting your family - do you have any idea what suicide will do to them? One of my very best friends killed herself. Left a family, a husband, two children - and they all suffer to this day.

Please - get help.

[firmbeliever]

I just hate my life and me and this whole thing. My life isn't horrible, but it's miserable. I just wish I could break from everything and run off and disappear. The only thing I'm afraid of is hurting my family. I just know I don't want to be here.

Do not think me rude but I think you are going the opposite way to get away from it all.

By hurting your body and making life miserable, you are going to be stuck where you are, say years from now,or maybe even in a worse place,like the hospital because your body cannot function on its own after all the damage.

Plus you will be stuck with the people who you feel do not understand you because you have chosen to make yourself miserable by being where you are and not moving on.

I am sure a lot of people here have given great advice already, and you have been thankful for it, but you are not ready for change.

Maybe you need to find something you might like to do, if you would like to start a list of things you like as hobbies, as a job, or even to learn about, maybe we can find a constructive way to go about finding a solution.

[give2me1lemons]

I haven't had any tylenol since September 23rd, according to my post. I finished 98 pills in, I think, a little over a month. I'm not too sure when I started; it might be on here. I can't take anymore because 2 of the pills I gave to my mom when she was sick, so she knows I know where mine are. This means that if I were to get tylenol from the medicine cabinet for any reason, it would be suspicious. She bought me the bottle, and the pills should have lasted a lot longer if I was using them correctly.

Despite the fact that I still have a knife in my room since before I left for college, and a candle because we lost power in a storm a week or so ago, I haven't cut or burned in a while. Again, I'm not sure when the last time was, but I think it has been since before I dropped out.

I only think of suicide as an option when I get into this weird mood very late at night where I am tired but don't feel so. I feel almost like it doesn't matter what I do and tomorrow may never come, though I know it will, and I get really bold and impulsive-and sometimes pessimistic. It does not help when I read how unemployment is up to, on average, 9.8% and how employers can take their time hiring people until they find the perfect applicant because there are so many compettitors. It makes me feel like I am never going to get a job in my small hometown and get out of here, because above all else I will need money. I don't think I'd ever actually resort to that, just like I'd never run away. I'm not brave enough for either. I even told my mom when I considered moving out a day after I thought of it.

I know what you are saying firmbeliever, and I think you are correct. If I wanted to change bad enough, I would, wouldn't I? I wouldn't just sleep and wallow in my despair. Late at night when I can't sleep, I'll write things on my hand that I should do. Last night it was "walk" because I watched half ton mom, half ton dad, and half ton teen, and while I am still around 120lbs, I'm deeply concerned that with my current lifestyle I am either going to become obese, waste away my muscles, or develop a blood clot from inactivity. Did I walk, though? No, I slept until 1pm. Half the time I don't remember what I wrote until I finally wake up.

I've applied for work at a local hotel and Walmart. I had an interview (ambush) at a local restaurant that I went to for an application-they weren't hiring anymore, but he gave me an interview anyway because he knew me and wanted to hear the juicy gossip about why I wasn't in college.

Hobbies.. I started cooking when I am really bored. I made chocolate chip muffins yesterday and muddy buddys last night for the first time. A week or two ago I made brownies. I can only cook if the ingredients are here, which they usually aren't, and like I said, I am concerned about eating too much and cooking can become an expensive hobby. I even eat lean cuisine to try to even things out.

Then I would like to volunteer at a therapeutic riding center I volunteered at when I was 13, but that would require me sleeping at a reasonable time and waking up early enough to go with my mom to see about it. I may take something to sleep tonight just so I can go have lunch with her and her people tomorrow and get out of the house.

I'm applying at at least three different universities in three different states. I've started the applications on two, sent out my application to the third, and sent out my SAT scores to two.

I know tylenol can cause liver damage, and yet I also know the liver has an uncanny abailty to regenerate if you let it. Then I see people like I did on Oprah last week who pop 20 vicodin a day (granted, not all at once like I did), and they are "ok" despite having done this for years. Sometimes I don't understand how the tylenol can be considered so lethal while the other is a potentially lethal addiction. I don't get how an OTC drug can put me in more immediate danger, I guess. I have stopped it though, presently.

Dying would hurt my family, but in the past I made it okay by thinking of the $10,000 they'd get if I did die and my successful older sister. I still maintain I am not likely to ever have the nerve though, and I do love my parents. You'd be surprised at the efforts I make not to hurt them. I almost feel responsible for their dreams and retirement and wish I could be rich so I could give them everything, but I can't..

I have received a lot of support and good advice. I wish I could update one day and say I moved out and went back to college and got a great job and I'm happy and everything is wonderful and thank you. Maybe someday.

[firmbeliever]

Someday is good enough, at least that means hope.
EDIT:
I know this lady who helps people with their problems and she always tells me that no matter what situation a person chooses to be in and not move on; she always asks the person ;
"what are you getting out of being in this situation?"
And the answer maybe " I like feeling this way". Or "I like making others feel this way".
Or it could be any number of answers,but she says there is always something that makes the person feel a certain way to hold onto a situation and not let go, to move forward.

[give2me1lemons]

There isn't much positive in living the way I am right now. My one friend is at Penn State, and I can't help but get somewhat jealous when I hear how well she is doing, all the friends she has, and all the parties she attends. I'm the one who has been saying for years how much they hate this town and can't wait to leave. Everyone who knows me knows that and how I long to travel. This isn't what I want. I am restless and bored and feel like I am losing precious time and wasting my life even more than I already have. My mom thinks it's silly to write myself off at 18 the way I do, but I know there is so much I've missed out on already and can never get back. I try not to blame them for not pushing me, but sometimes I really, really wish that they had been stricter and more involved. I think I'd be a very different person if they had pushed me to join clubs and sports and go to school.

I tried to think of a reason I'd want this-a reason why I can't seem to bring myself to take some serious action-and I didn't come up with much. However, living here I don't have to worry about rent or groceries or bills or taxes. I'm taken care of, and it's "safe".

I want to change, really, but maybe I don't want it bad enough yet?

I think things will be better if I can get a job and get out of the house and make some progress toward moving out. It would be amazing if I could get accepted to college where I want to go most.

[JudyKayTee]

Before you give your thoughts on organ failure and whether the liver regenerates - my husband died of massive organ failure, liver included.

It's not pretty and it's not nice.

As far as your mother counting your Tylenol - you're an adult in college. If you want Tylenol, you can buy it.

You need to address your problems instead of finding excuses.

Sorry to be harsh but if you have this much time to be on line you have time to join clubs, participate in sports, get a job.

Your casual "the liver regenerates" statement offends me.

[give2me1lemons]

I'm sorry, Judy. I don't mean it casually when I say the liver regenerates. I mean it as hope that if I stop taking tylenol, which I haven't in thirteen days, then maybe my liver will be okay and I won't have messed myself up too much. It's hard to imagine that I have really done something to myself when I can't feel it and don't have definitive proof (other than headaches, which could be unrelated, or could be "analgesic rebound effect", but I doubt it). It's also a great excuse not to spend my money on a liver function test as I don't have insurance right now.

I'm not sure how much you read, but I'm not in college anymore. My mom isn't counting my tylenol. I just meant that she bought it for me for college, so wouldn't it be a little odd if I used their tylenol when I have a new bottle with 100 pills in it in my room? Then she knows I didn't lose it because I gave her some when she was sick. I'm not going to risk her knowing I took that much. Stupid maybe, but I do what I can to hide my issues from them and may be a little paranoid and overcautious at this point.

I do have more than enough free time, and it's driving me nuts. That's why my schedule is so messed up. I applied for jobs, and I know one volunteer activity I can do. I can't very well walk to town 6miles though, and I don't have a license (I take the 5hr course this Wednesday), so I have to rely on my parents to get anywhere. They have busy and conflicting schedules, so until I can make myself sleep more regularly and get up when they leave, I'm stuck.

[J_9]

Okay, 197 posts and it's time to get serious.

The liver does NOT regenerate itself. PERiOD!! You will die a very long, tortuous, and painful death.

You need more help than anyone at AMHD can give you. We are not professionals in the mental health field and you need a professional.

[give2me1lemons]

Liver Disease: Frequently Asked Questions: Health Topics: University of Iowa Health Care

Doctors Try to Capitalize On the Liver's Ability To Regenerate Itself - The New York Times

J_9, I'm not trying to be smart. I'm just confused. Those articles say that basically if you aren't attacking your liver, it can regenerate cells and repair itself. It's ability to repair itself is damaged by scarring. I don't know if it can after what I have done to it, but it really can't repair itself?

[J_9]

But you ARE attacking your liver. End of story.