[kgreen44]

She doesn't want to talk now, no. but she's been in and out of touch and according to her friends, she isn't over it and has been jealous of my recent girlfriend (my ex doesn't know we broke up). I just can't think there's abosultely NOTHING I can do. I suppose I'd like to be more of an optimist than that. Does anyone have constructive advice for me? Are there actions I can take?

[talaniman]

Stop listening to her friends, and get on with your life. I suspect her in and out contact has you going like this. That's false hope.

[kgreen44]

Does anyone have anything positive to say? This is really getting me down. I'm not in denial, but really, I'm not interested in giving up all hope... and I don't think it's all "false"

[kiki_doki]

How are things?

[kgreen44]

Kiki,

Thanks for checking in. I just found out that my ex is engaged and it happened over christmas. She didn't even tell me, I found out from a mutual friend.

I am crushed. Does anyone have advice? Whenever she writes me, she tells me how much she respects me etc etc, but how can she really if she didn't even let me know she was getting engaged?

I feel dumb and scared because I'm still not over her -- I still truly believe we connected better than we could with anyone else. But what on earth can I do?

[Questions2007]

hi,

i'm looking for some help with my not being over my ex. can you guys give me advice ?

i broke up with my girlfriend almost three years ago. then i wanted to get back together. i had had a hard year, a big family loss and realized that i really loved her. but she couldn't get back together, said it was too hard, she was too hurt.

now after three years, she's living with someone and won't talk to me. i was in a relationship this past year and through the grapevine hear my ex was jealous, but of course still basically received the silent treatment from her. now though, i realize that i'm just not over her. i've tried to write her and still don't hear anything. but somehow i feel in my gut that she's the one for me. maybe i'm crazy to think this, though.

can someone help? if she's the one, what on earth can i do now? she's living with her partner so i feel like i have no luck. but then i have this uncontrollable feeling that we are right together. i don't know how to move beyond that.

very distressed ;(

Just a few questions. How long were you together? Did the breakup come from your initiation? Did you genuinely love her at the time? (You will have to be objectively honest about that last one!)

She may be wary about hearing from you after you hurt her before.

[kgreen44]

Hey, we were together for 3 1/2 years and I adored her but in the end didn't treat her that well. We had a long distance relationship in 04-05 because I moved to New York for grad school. I was pretty depressed and didn't deal with the relationship well, and sort of broke up with her but we still talked 10 times a day and were entirely eachother's best friends.

That summer (of 2005) she met someone else and I was abroad for the summer. We still talked 10 times a day, said we loved each other all the time etc but at the same time, she started seeing this guy. I found out when I came home in September and begged her to get back together and she said she'd need 3 to 5 years to get over how hurt she was from me in the year prior. She was really cold, jumped into getting serious with this guy and has barely talked to me normally since -- except for occasionally breaking down that year and saying our breakup was still really painful.

I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone and I know she felt the same way.

But now she's engaged to the guy she basically rebounded on me with and I feel so crushed and hopeless. I don't know what to do

[Questions2007]

hey, we were together for 3 1/2 years and i adored her but in the end didn't treat her that well. we had a long distance relationship in 04-05 because i moved to new york for grad school. i was pretty depressed and didn't deal with the relationship well, and sort of broke up with her but we still talked 10 times a day and were entirely eachother's best friends.

that summer (of 2005) she met someone else and i was abroad for the summer. we still talked 10 times a day, said we loved eachother all the time etc but at the same time, she started seeing this guy. i found out when i came home in september and begged her to get back together and she said she'd need 3 to 5 years to get over how hurt she was from me in the year prior. she was really cold, jumped into getting serious with this guy and has barely talked to me normally since -- except for occasionally breaking down that year and saying our breakup was still really painful.

i loved her more than i've ever loved anyone and i know she felt the same way.

but now she's engaged to the guy she basically rebounded on me with and i feel so crushed and hopeless. i don't know what to do

It sounds like at the start this guy was a rebound relationship, but that it has developed into something so much more than that? She perhaps gives him the security and balanced relationship that she didn't have with you?

It is probably time to deal with things once and for all. If you can arrange to meet her do it. Say you want to just talk one last time and that once she hears you out, she won't hear from you again. Perhaps tell her this in a letter?

[talaniman]

does anyone have anything positive to say?

This female has moved on with her life, and you haven't, and you should have. Leave her alone now, and focus on rebuilding your own life, and under the circumstances, that's as positive as it gets. This started 5 months ago, and you have made no progress.

[kiki_doki]

kiki,

thanks for checking in. i just found out that my ex is engaged and it happened over christmas. she didn't even tell me, i found out from a mutual friend.

i am crushed. does anyone have advice? whenever she writes me, she tells me how much she respects me etc etc, but how can she really if she didn't even let me know she was getting engaged?

i feel dumb and scared because i'm still not over her -- i still truly believe we connected better than we could with anyone else. but what on earth can i do?

Hey, it think she didn't tell you because she didn't want to upset you! I think she probably knows that you're somewhat un happy about the break up (in hindsight) and she was probably protecting your feelings.

She probably does respect you but that's not the only things that a relationship is based on, there is no love there?
I think the point is that she has moved on, she's no longer dating she is going to marry this man. There is only one way forward for you now and its without her as a partner, she has someone else and so you need to move on to someone else.
I would'nt suggest right now, you need some time to accept it and move forward with your life.
It will hurt for a little bit but you will get over it, it will begin with you accepting it though... other wise you'll be stuck in this part of your life and this feeling for a long long time!

[kgreen44]

Thanks kiki and questions. I can't stomach this at all honestly. I really feel there is still a ton of love there and we just connected so well, I can't imagine she connects in the same way with her now fiancé. Is there nothing I can do?

[kgreen44]

Guys sorry for my desperate writings. I'm so stuck it's insane. Has anyone felt this way? How did you overcome it? My ex getting engaged has crushed me, feel like somehow I need to take control back but worry it's not possible ;(

[JuliaK]

Hi I feel your pain! I am going through a similar situation with my ex. We broke up about 4 months ago now wow I just realised its been that long and since then its been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. I am feeling better now but still have days when I miss him so. They say to completely stop talking to them right?and move on but how can you when you miss them so much when their not around. I think the way you can trully move on is if you find someone better that you get on with better etc. I have just met an awesome guy who gets me so much more than my ex who was constantly critical/mean, you start to wonder why you spent so much time pining over that person when you couldve been happy with someone else.. My advice to you is to be open to the possibility that there IS someone out there who is a better fit for you than her.. Everything happens for a reason right so there has to be a reason for why this happened to you. Just think positive. I know what I or anyone says won't make much of a difference because it won't change how you feel about her. I know because that's exactly how I feel about my ex but what can you do?When you have to move on you just have to.. Txt her if she doesn't reply to your calls or whateva and say whatever it is you need to say to her.. Then at least you've said it and you won't have to wonder what if I had done this or that etc..

[talaniman]

Way back in the day, I got dumped from a 3 year relationship, and she ended up marrying some guy a year later, go figure. She is still married with 6 grown kids. That should have been me, but it's not. I am married for over 30 years with a couple of grown kids and an extraordinary female for a wife. I am so happy, and really grateful my ex set me free. Someday you'll look back just like me, with no regrets whatsoever. Especially after the grandkids wear you out.

[kgreen44]

Ugh I so wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I am just beating myself up for not working on our relationship earlier, wishing there was some way I could break up their engagement, say SOMETHING that might make her think twice. Does that make sense?

It feels like a seriously black hole to lose hope in this. ;(

[talaniman]

Those are the thought I had all right, being dumped sucks, for sure. I lost count after a while, of all the females who dumped me. It sucked every freakin' time. But what's a guy to do, but try, try again.

[kgreen44]

Okay everyone, I've thought and thought about this. Really, I am SO skeptical that my ex has a connection with her fiancé that's anywhere near ours. I know, that probably sounds delusional but we were best, best friends - I've never seen any couple as close (which was part of our problem).

I really want to try to reason with her. I want to try to see if there's ANY way I can get her to doubt her engagement. Does anyone have advice on what to say, how to go about this?

[bigbird213]

Personally,

I think if you try to get in between her engagement, she will probably catch on to what your doing and be quite upset with you. I'm not sure that's the smartest thing to do...

[talaniman]

I broke up with my girlfriend almost three years ago. Then I wanted to get back together... but she couldn't get back together, said it was too hard, she was too hurt.

This was posted Nov, 2007. 3 years is a long time to be holding on to...........................................a bad time in your life.

now after three years, she's living with someone and won't talk to me.

I've tried to write her and still don't hear anything. but somehow i feel in my gut that she's the one for me. maybe I'm crazy to think this, though.

3 years is a long time to feel something in your gut when there is no proof, not even an inkling, that she hasn't moved on, and isn't happy NOW!

if she's the one, what on earth can I do now?

If is not a fact, especially not in this case, so we can safely say your gut and her gut, feel something entirely different. There is nothing to do, but accept it and move on yourself.

I don't know how to move beyond that.

You know what to do but can't.
Posted, Today, 04:21 AM

I really want to try to reason with her. I want to try to see if there's ANY way I can get her to doubt her engagement. Does anyone have advice on what to say, how to go about this?

I seriously doubt any one can advise you how to go about this. As a matter of fact they will tell you not to do such a dumb thing as you will be compromising a lot of dignity and self respect for a fantasy you have kept alive in your own mind. You are so stuck, you may need professional help to get unstuck. Holding on to those feelings for so long cannot be healthy for you at all, and I hope you reconsider, what your doing. PLEASE.

[kgreen44]

I wouldn't do anything malicious geez! I just want to talk with her, see if this is really what she wants. Honestly, I don't think her refusing to talk to me and telling her friends she's not over me means that she's moved on entirely - I think it means she's suppressing her feelings because I hurt her and this new guy is "safe". I'm not a dumb guy, I know she moved on CLEARLY but I don't think that necessarily means she is following her heart. In fact, I think she did it out of fear.

So... I am trying to think about how to address this