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Craig80 · Dec 27, 2007, 05:08 PM

Hey,

It feels kind of weird to come here for help and advice but you guys are my last hope.
I've already tried talking to my family and some friends but whatever answers and advice they've given me have been partial and I feel that I need you guys perspectives and views of it all.

Me (20 yrs old) and my girlfriend (18 yrs old) has been a couple for almost 8 months now and the first 6 months were almost perfect, I had been waiting to meet someone like her for a long time and I was really happy. I'm doing everything for her, I'm always the one calling, I'm the one taking the initiative to meet, I feel like I'm the one investing everything in our relationship, she just takes me for granted and goes along with the ride - having me whenever she wants but still studying last year and meeting friends etc. She's got nothing to lose if this ends, except for me.. if she even cares for me anymore..

Now I have a real serious problem here - we argue often about her partying, I'll try to make this short and easy to understand.

She told me in the beginning of our relationship that her past relationship ended 2 years ago because she cheated with another guy on a party.

The truth is she got so drunk she got "crazy" and slept with someone. Now this hurt me like hell to hear about (and still kills me by the way.. ) but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.

Anyway, this made me act in such a way that whenever she wanted to go out during the first months of our relationship I got sad, jealous and very very very worried that she would do the same thing to me - this made her take the decision to stay away from partying and getting drunk just because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.

Now the problem has escalated - She came clean to me 2 months ago saying that "I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."

Now that stuff really hurt me - I mean.. when I know what she has done before, how can I ever trust her that she won't do it again?

The conditions are exactly the same - she parties every 1-3 weeks out of 4 and she loves to drink loads and go crazy.

I CAN have fun without drinking loads and I feel that my future girlfriend that I try to build a relationship with should AT LEAST have the decency and respect that she stays away doing the same thing she did last time she cheated, this is killing me, lately I have barely even been able to enjoy our relationship cause I'm worried SICK that it will happen again. It's like Russian roulette, 6 times out of 7 it's OK but what about that seventh time.. Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. Maybe even getting physically hurt) :(

Some friends tell me to talk to her, some tell me to break up with her because it's a no-no and I WILL get hurt, what do you say?

All I can say is that last months I've been feeling more bad than good, and that can never be a good sign. Oh and now I feel so guilty for making this thread and asking for help and assistance.. should I feel that way or is it OK to ask for help? =/

shygrneyzs · Dec 27, 2007, 05:18 PM

Let her go. She obviously has different priorities than you. Partying and getting drunk is one of them. Her behavior is out of control and you are not the one who is going to bring her back into some manner of control. Only she can do that for herself. You asking her will not do the trick here. She made need an intervention, she may need alcohol counseling, she may need rehab and follow up therapy, along with Alcoholics Anonymous. But she has to be the one to see it as necessary for her health and for her well being.

You two are not well matched at all. If you continue with her, it will be misery for you both. You for being in that relationship and feeling helpless and angry and suspicious and her, for you being there.

Do not allow this to develop into a co-dependent relationship. That is sadly the way of many relationships involving an alcoholic and a non alcoholic. You cannot fix her, cannot take responsibility for her, cannot make her do what she does not want to do and cannot shield her from her consequences.

Read more about that kind of unhealthy relationship -
codependency - Google Search

Take back your life and you become healthy.

CrazyDaisyLou · Dec 27, 2007, 05:26 PM

It's always OK to ask for help, never feel bad about that. Everyone needs help at some point. If I were you, I would try talking to her and I would tell her exactly how I feel about it, and tell her that if she can't stop partying for my sake, then that's that and I'm out of here. Who we think is perfect for us isn't always the one that is perfect for us.

stonewilder · Dec 27, 2007, 05:29 PM

Sounds like you'd be better off just letting her go.

little firefly · Dec 27, 2007, 05:35 PM

Hi Craig,
No, you shouldn't feel guilty about asking for help. Sometimes we all need other people to help us to make tough decisions in life.

First of all for your girlfriend to say that she can only have a good time by getting drunk, sometimes to the point of barely standing, sounds to me like she has a real problem. I'm not opposed to social drinking (I do it myself) but she sounds out of control. She really needs some help with this or she could end up hurting herself or someone else.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether this is the type of person you want to have in your life. She dosen't seem to care how this makes you feel. If you aren't enjoying your relationship and are feeling bad about things then that should be a sign telling you what you may need to do. Relationships should make you feel good, not constantly stressed out, and if that's how you're feeling then this girl is probably not the one for you.

Of course this is just my opinion. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

EuRa · Dec 27, 2007, 05:35 PM

Sounds like there is no trust. If you can't trust her, a relationship with her will be difficult.

If you dump her, maybe she'll come around and stop drinking, and go out of her way to get you back. You should play it cool, not giving in until you feel you are ready, if ever. Even ask for space/time if you need it.

Also, being that you are 20 and she 18, you guys are going through a tremendous change in your lives. I was 18 and 20. The girls I was with then are VASTLY DIFFERENT than the ones I want today at 27.

So if you stay with her, it'll hurt and hurt and keep hurting until she breaks it off with you. Or you could break it off with her, hurt MORE, but for a lot less time, AND you'd have the upper hand. If you break up with her, then call her or her friends and constantly annoy her, she'll have the upper hand again, so don't do that. If you really do break up with her, be STRONG, have a PLAN before you do it (people to call for support, family, etc), and go through with it fully. If you can be honest with yourself, you will succeed.

Craig80 · Dec 27, 2007, 05:35 PM

Thank you very much for the quick replies!
The thing is, alcoholic is a kind of harsh word to use because she is just like any of the other outgoing "party teenagers" if you see my point :/

I've never seen her pass out or something like that but she still obviously loves to drink more than moderately and it's hurting me. You could compare her to many partying girls and she's just one of them.. but I can't really stand it.

About Co-dependency, what is it? Am I codependent cause I've developed a troubled mind about if/when she's partying and because I worry all the time?

N0help4u · Dec 27, 2007, 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by Craig80

Me (20 yrs old) and my girlfriend (18 yrs old) has been a couple for almost 8 months now and the first 6 months were almost perfect, I had been waiting to meet someone like her for a long time and I was really happy.

It only gets worse because the partying controls who they have become. You feel in love with what she could be 0R who she wanted you to THINK she is. Kiss that goodbye!

Originally Posted by Craig80

I'm doing everything for her, I'm always the one calling, I'm the one taking the initiative to meet, I feel like I'm the one investing everything in our relationship, she just takes me for granted and goes along with the ride - having me whenever she wants but still studying last year and meeting friends etc. She's got nothing to lose if this ends, except for me.. if she even cares for me anymore.

Enabling somebody to not have responsibilies they WILL take you for granted and keep going along with the ride.

Originally Posted by Craig80

She told me in the beginning of our relationship that her past relationship ended 2 years ago because she cheated with another guy on a party.

The truth is she got so drunk she got "crazy" and slept with someone. Now this hurt me like hell to hear about (and still kills me btw..) but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.

Judging past? How do you know she isn't capable of doing the same thing to you.
I wouldn't file it to past, but keep it up as a red flag.

Originally Posted by Craig80

Anyway, this made me act in such a way that whenever she wanted to go out during the first months of our relationship I got sad, jealous and very very very worried that she would do the same thing to me - this made her take the decision to stay away from partying and getting drunk just because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.

Exactly what I mean by they become who they think you want until they feel they have you wrapped around their finger and can start taking you for granted.

Originally Posted by Craig80

Now the problem has escalated - She came clean to me 2 months ago saying that "I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."

Take that as I choose drinking 0VER you... just as if she said I choose another guy over you!

Originally Posted by Craig80

Now that stuff really hurt me - I mean.. when I know what she has done before, how can I ever trust her that she wont do it again?

Give up on her!

Originally Posted by Craig80

The conditions are exactly the same - she parties every 1-3 weeks out of 4 and she loves to drink loads and go crazy.

What you have to look forward to as long as you stay with her.

Originally Posted by Craig80

I CAN have fun without drinking loads and I feel that my future girlfriend that I try to build a relationship with should AT LEAST have the decency and respect that she stays away doing the exact same thing she did last time she cheated, this is killing me, lately I have barely even been able to enjoy our relationship cause I'm worried SICK that it will happen again. It's like Russian roulette, 6 times out of 7 it's OK but what about that seventh time..? Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. maybe even getting physically hurt) :(

You answered your own question on what you need to do!

Originally Posted by Craig80

Some friends tell me to talk to her, some tell me to break up with her because it's a no-no and I WILL get hurt, what do you say?

You are wasting your time cause this is an example of what your entire life will be with her.

I have a feeling if you quit calling her it would be out of site out of mind on her part.

Craig80 · Dec 27, 2007, 05:43 PM

Now I feel worse cause everyone's saying alcoholic and so.. she's not that different from other people who drink when they party except that she's often much more than just tipsy.. the problem isn't her being "alcoholic", cause if she is that then half of the people I know are alcoholics..

But man.. I really LOVE her and she called me this night and said she loves me too with a sweet voice.. I don't know how to ever let go of her =(((

N0help4u · Dec 27, 2007, 05:50 PM

Most of the people I know are alcoholics too... and have been for 30 - 40 years.
So my point is it boils down to
Do you want to live with this lifestyle of hers indefinitely?

EuRa · Dec 27, 2007, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by Craig80

Now I feel worse cause everyone's saying alcoholic and so.. she's not that different from other people who drink when they party except that she's often much more than just tipsy.. the problem isn't her being "alcoholic", cause if she is that then half of the people I know are alcoholics..

But man.. I really LOVE her and she called me this night and said she loves me too with a sweet voice.. I don't know how to ever let go of her =(((

I don't see anyone saying "dump her because she's an alcoholic".

You came here looking for your own answers. You wanted to hear us say specific responses to your problem. That's not going to happen. We all probably have something you don't have: Experience.

If you want to stay with her and keep getting hurt, then by all means do it. You'll learn on your own eventually. And when she does break up with you, come back here and tell us. I won't rub it in, but I will be here for support!

shygrneyzs · Dec 27, 2007, 05:54 PM

That is the most common statement anyone makes about recognizing an alcoholic. Craig, it is not always the amount of alcohol, it is more the dependency on the alcohol and the need to achieve her high when drinking. Drinking until so drunk she passes out. That she has to have that level to achieve her happiness. You make any excuses for her? Yes you do.

little firefly · Dec 27, 2007, 05:59 PM

She may not be an alcoholic per say, but she really does have a problem that needs to be dealt with, because from what she said to you, partying to her means getting very drunk. She can't have a good time otherwise. It will only get worse unless she gets some help, and believe me, I've seen it happen more than once in my 37 years. You need to decide if being with her is worth all the mess you'll have to continue to deal with because it.

J_9 · Dec 27, 2007, 06:02 PM

Craig, never be sorry for looking for outside help. Sometimes it takes people outside of your situation to see clearly where you may have blinders on. Now, we can say too that there are two sides to every story and we don't know her side.

Now, being alcoholic does not mean that people pass out. It basically means that they cannot admit that they have a problem with drinking and refuse to stop. Which, in essence, is what you posted above.

I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you.

That is a classic statement from an alcoholic.

Craig, consider this... is this how you want to live the rest of your life? You cannot change her, you cannot rescue her, only she can do that when she is good and ready. She may be ready next month, or she may not be ready to change for 10 or 20 years.

You have to consider what you have NOW, as to what your future might be like.

she's not that different from other people who drink

You are now making excuses for her behavior... that is enabling her.

except that she's often much more than just tipsy

Craig, being tipsy does not mean that she can hardly stand up. Being tipsy means she may be a little on the happy side, but "even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet" is called falling down DRUNK, not tipsy.

Sometimes it takes a loss such as a boyfriend/husband/children for the alcoholic to see that they have a problem. Maybe, just maybe, breaking up with her might help her see the err of her ways.

stonewilder · Dec 27, 2007, 07:03 PM

Originally Posted by Craig80

Now I feel worse cause everyone's saying alcoholic and so.. she's not that different from other people who drink when they party except that she's often much more than just tipsy.. the problem isn't her being "alcoholic", cause if she is that then half of the people I know are alcoholics..

But man.. I really LOVE her and she called me this night and said she loves me too with a sweet voice.. I don't know how to ever let go of her =(((

The problem I'm having with her is not the drinking, although that could be a problem. The problem I'm having is it would seem she used drinking as the excuse for her cheating on the other guy. Is that right? When I was younger (not as young as her) I got pretty drunk and stupid but I never slept with anyone because I was drunk, I did it 'cause I wanted to. If she ends up sleeping with someone while she's drunk is she going to tell you it was because she was drunk and are you going to believe it? Is it really going to make a difference?

in a state · Dec 27, 2007, 07:39 PM

I had the same problem as she has when I was 18.
From age 16 to 18 I got so drunk so often I barely have any memories from that period.
My friends were really worried about me,thought I needed to get away from that lifestyle,but I just wouldn't listen.that was my way-the only way- of having fun and truly enjoying myself.
I stopped only because I got bored of it,grew up,got sick of it and found it in me to quit such activities and pursue other ways to enjoy myself. Not because I actually listened to anybody's advice.they actually annoyed me when they started lecturing me.the buzz was real high,I did not care to stop.
Now,I am not actually proud(but not ashamed either)of sharing this with you.I wanted to say,from my 'crazy-teenage-rebel-party girl' experience,that she might calm down and take it easy on the drinking ONLY when she feels like it.
She will grow up eventually and realize,besides the health problems she could have had(if she stops before she gets them), how wrong it is to drink that much,especially for a GIRL at THAT age.
So,sit down and talk to her again,and if she doesn't stop now,let her go,because it's obvious she has a different view on 'having fun','being in a relationship' and so on than you.she hasn't grown up yet.

Jiser · Dec 27, 2007, 08:19 PM

Hey there chap. My ex loved the whole party thing. We had a few years difference between each other like you and her. However I had been drinking for a few years and wasn't that bothered about going out, I would rather have a nice evening in with a pizza, film and wine.

Although not much age difference between each other those few years made all the difference. She wanted to party, experience other guys tongues as a lot of guys/girls do at a young age. Most people grow out of it but some don't. Also there is nothing wrong going clubbing at any age. However there are limits.

Your girl friend seems to be over the top with her drinking and partying. 3 times a week? She will have sarcosis of the liver and numerous other health problems if she's not careful. I know how you feel as I was in your position, I hated my ex going out, gridning with her ex bfs, getting uncontrallably drunk etc.

After she dumped me, it gave me a kick up the bottom to experience it myself! I started getting into raving, going out clubbing. However unlike my ex girlfriend I had a variety of friends from all over the place, I also did and still do various sports. Therefore clubbing/partying has never been just it for me, which I guess puts me at an advantage as my ex really didn't have anything in her life apart from well clubbing. Maybe she will grow out of this so I hope one day we can be friends or more but in all honesty (Commooon)..

You really have a few choices here and I would work through the following list:

1) You can use 'communication' and honestly speak to her about how you feel - if that doesn't help then:

2) You can go on feeling bad and see where that leads you

Or

3) You can finish with her and explain why - then see stickys at the top of the relationship forum.

Your both young same as me, whole life ahead of us. Don't feel bad, life really is to short! If you feel lonely then make an effort to do new things, go out and have a laff whilst your girlfriend or soon to be ex is. Go round a friends, play a board game, go to the cinema, arrange a trip away, join the gym, go start a hobby. Keeping yourself occupied is the best thing you can do.

talaniman · Dec 27, 2007, 10:23 PM

You can learn the hard way about how alcohol affects not just the drinker, but all the people around her and bring misery, pain and danger to her and all those people, or investigate yourself just Google alcoholism. Or you can be miserable until you have had enough crap from her, as drunks can't be trusted or talked to, ( you probably know that already) and you move on. Actually you would be doing her a favor by leaving, as a consequence of her actions. There is another option, you can stay and be there to see her get worse, and then tell your kids why mommy can't make dinner, or read them a book. You might get lucky as she may fool you and quit drinking and partying and be a lovely girl, and you can come back at tell us how wrong we were. Either way its your choice. If you ain't happy now, how the heck do you think this will work out??

talaniman · Dec 27, 2007, 10:27 PM

Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. Maybe even getting physically hurt) :(

You already knew your answer, just didn't want to admit it. That's denial, and not healthy.

s_cianci · Dec 27, 2007, 10:35 PM

but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.

Not that you want to "judge" her in the strictest sense of the word, but definitely time to put up a huge red flag

"I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."

Yes and no. No in that she shouldn't feel that she has to change being who she is on your account, but yes in that it should bother you. And that in turn should be sending you a huge message about the viability of this whole "relationship." I vote for the "break up with her because it's a no-no and you WILL get hurt" option. This woman is obviously not your cup of tea and rightly so ; she wouldn't be mine either. Get out before you end up wasting any more of your time and getting yourself burned in the process.