[asking]

Today I went to see my niece and her new baby with my sister, who is the grandmother. The baby is about 10 days old. At one point, my niece said she needed to do something and indicated that doing it while holding the baby would be a mild inconvenience. Her mother (my sister) instantly offered to hold the baby, but my niece said absolutely not.

Is this normal for new mothers? My sister told me later she was very hurt. I was too surprised to say anything, but I wondered if I should have? I can understand turning down a stranger, but the baby's grandmother? My own mother died when I was young so I never had a mother who could hold my babies; same for my sister. Seems like it's something you would WANT to share?

Also, my niece seemed obsessed with germs and made us wash our hands at the door in case we might make the baby ill, although the only person in the house who was sick was my niece, who has a mild cold. The baby is full term and perfectly healthy, by the way. Is it now normal to protect babies this way? In general, we felt very unwelcome, but I have no idea why... Could her unfriendliness be related to her just having given birth?

Asking

[J_9]

This is very interesting. Many new mothers want to share their babies with Gramma.

Is she a first-time Mom? Was this the first time Gramma got to see the baby?

[asking]

This is my niece's second baby. She has a two year old son also. This was grandma's first visit with this baby. She lives hundreds of miles away and drove 7 hours to come to see the baby (and to have Thanksgiving with me). Any thoughts?

[Wondergirl]

I was very "protective" of my first baby during his first weeks.

I would probably have had no problem with my own mom or sis holding him, etc. but they lived 650 mi. away. I didn't get along with my mil or trust her, and she lived a few blocks away and pestered me constantly to "take over".

Did your niece and her mother have relationship problems before the baby arrived?

[J_9]

With the first one did she have any post partum depression or baby blues?

[asking]

My niece had depression during both pregnancies and severe morning sickness that lasted for most of the pregnancy both times, but I don't think she had post partum depression particularly. She looked tired, but not obviously depressed today. I thought she looked unusually healthy and happy actually, just not terribly glad to see us... I brought my two sons and she barely spoke to them, except when my 18 year old was playing with her 2-year old. She wanted to make sure the toddler was safe.

My sister had five kids and she says she was closest to this daughter--very close. But then after her daughter married, she withdrew. My sister says her daughter wouldn't let her hold the first baby at first either, not until he was much older.

My niece and her husband were very friendly to me at first, right after they married. They said they bought their house where it is so they could be near me, but when I broke my back three years ago and couldn't drive the half hour to see them, they never visited and I somewhat lost touch with them. I have invited them over to my house a few times, but they always say no. If she has some kind of grudge, I have no clue what it could be about.

[macksmom]

I too, find it odd that the mother is so overly protective, especially with family.

Has your sister asked her daughter why she can't hold the baby?

The mother also needs to be careful when she thinks she is "protecting" the baby from getting sick.
Being overly paranoid with germs and such with a newborn can lead to illness. If she proctect the baby from germs and such by making sure everyone is sanatized the baby will not build up an immunity to these things. A newborns system is evolving constantly during these critical points. Being exposed to everyday germs and bacteria just help the baby's body develop an immunity to disease. Otherwise, later on when the baby is exposed to something like the common cold, it could get very sick because its body wasn't given the chance to build any immunities.
Now I am in no way saying not to be cautious with the baby around people that are sick, but you niece needs to relax a bit and stop trying to surround her baby in a germ free bubble... as it could cause problems later that could have been avioded.

[J_9]

I sit here wondering if this has something to do with the husband. Since all of this seemed to evolve after the marriage. Personally, I don't think it is the new baby at all, but something the husband may have said or done prior to your visit.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will agree this does not sound normal, if this was a first baby and during the first few months meany go to extremes. Now there are several mental health issues people get that cuase them to have issues with germs and be over protective.

[Homegirl 50]

Spreading some rep to J-9
I was thinking the same thing. I'm wondering if the husband has told her not to let her handle the baby.

[buggage]

Perhaps she is just being protective. She may be shocked by the fragility of the new baby, compared to her 2 year old, and is being very protective of that.Also, does she allow anyone else to hold the baby? Or is your sister the only one she didn't allow to hold baby? Did your sister have a cold or anything? Perhaps she felt that it was insinuated that she was not able to do things without help, and needed someone to help her? You never know what a new mother is going through, no matter how many kids she's had in the past. (not to mention the huge fluctuation of hormones and lack of sleep that follows the difficult task of labor. And the huge life changes of adjusting to now having two children, and their abilities being so different. ) however, it could be many other things too. Perhaps there are unknown stressers that you just don't know about. How old is your sister? Perhaps she is afraid that she might drop the baby? Did they have an argument? Perhaps it does have something to do with the father. Perhaps he is the one that is being overly protective, and asked her to not let anyone else hold the baby. Or perhaps it goes deeper. There are just too many if's. I think that your best bet is to stop wondering, and to ask the mother herself. Chances are, she doesn't even realize how it came across. I know that as a mother of two (my youngest being 6 months old now) I am very protective, and at times have slight worries about others hold my baby, even family. Its just the protective side in me coming out. Try talking to her, and see what she says before you start to worry about something being very wrong.

[asking]

Thanks, Macksmom (and everyone else!). I was out all day yesterday, so it's nice to see so many helpful answers.

My sister has not asked her daughter why she couldn't hold the baby. I think she doesn't want to confront her daughter. And I guess we both doubt she'd get an honest answer. I've thought about talking to my niece and gently letting her know that she hurt her mother's feelings. But then I don't think I should interefere, as it will just make my relationship with my niece worse. And it already feels strained--for reasons I don't understand.

I totally agree about the germ issue. I tried telling my niece the same, but she wouldn't even acknowledge what I said, even though I was very polite and tentative about it. My first born was a preemie and I protected him so that he basically never had a cold until he was almost 2 years old. (His pediatrician told me to keep him away from other kids.) Now he's 18 and has trouble getting over infections--takes him weeks. His younger brother was constantly sick as a baby and is much healthier, bounces right back.
Asking

I too, find it odd that the mother is so overly protective, especially with family.

Has your sister asked her daughter why she can't hold the baby?

The mother also needs to be careful when she thinks she is "protecting" the baby from getting sick.
Being overly paranoid with germs and such with a newborn can lead to illness. If she proctect the baby from germs and such by making sure everyone is sanatized the baby will not build up an immunity to these things. A newborns system is evolving constantly during these critical points. Being exposed to everyday germs and bacteria just help the baby's body develop an immunity to disease. Otherwise, later on when the baby is exposed to something like the common cold, it could get very sick because its body wasn't given the chance to build any immunities.
Now I am in no way saying not to be cautious with the baby around people that are sick, but you niece needs to relax a bit and stop trying to surround her baby in a germ free bubble...as it could cause problems later that could have been avioded.

[asking]

These are good points, especially about JUST having had a baby and I hope that's all it is. That's one reason I asked. I don't know if my niece has let anyone else hold the baby.

As far as worrying about grandma dropping the baby, my sister is 57 and very healthy and strong--she climbs mountains! So she wouldn't drop the baby and she raised 5 kids herself and did a good job. They all put themselves through college, turned out well. A nice group of people. My sister has had some problems with depression in the past and she's a little unconventional, but she was a great mom to her kids and she's doing well now. She started college in her mid 50s and is getting almost all As in tough science classes.

Maybe you are right that I should just ask. I'll wait and visit my niece in a month or two when things have calmed down a bit. And try to bring it up tactfully.

I'm still concerned about the possibility that the father wants us out of their lives. I remember my niece saying once, almost in tears, that nobody in our family liked him, and I had not idea what she was talking about, as we had all liked him and said so even when they weren't around. No one had said anything negative about him.
Asking

perhaps she is just being protective. She may be shocked by the fragility of the new baby, compared to her 2 year old, and is being very protective of that.Also, does she allow anyone else to hold the baby? or is your sister the only one she didnt allow to hold baby? did your sister have a cold or anything? perhaps she felt that it was insinuated that she was not able to do things without help, and needed someone to help her? you never know what a new mother is going through, no matter how many kids she's had in the past. (not to mention the huge fluctuation of hormones and lack of sleep that follows the difficult task of labor. and the huge life changes of adjusting to now having two children, and their abilities being so different. ) however, it could be many other things too. perhaps there are unknown stressers that you just dont know about. How old is your sister? perhaps she is afraid that she might drop the baby? did they have an arguement? perhaps it does have something to do with the father. perhaps he is the one that is being overly protective, and asked her to not let anyone else hold the baby. or perhaps it goes deeper. there are just too many if's. I think that your best bet is to stop wondering, and to ask the mother herself. chances are, she doesnt even realize how it came across. I know that as a mother of two (my youngest being 6 months old now) I am very protective, and at times have slight worries about others hold my baby, even family. Its just the protective side in me coming out. try talking to her, and see what she says before you start to worry about something being very wrong.

[Myth]

I was exstreamly protective over my first child... to the point where people thought that I was purposely pushing them away... even my ex hubby... There is something more going on in this situation than meets the eye. Did the niece work before the birth of this child? Is she a stay at home mom? I would look into this more and make sure that she is doing this of her own volition. Being isolated is a large part of an abusive relationship and she may possibly be trying to protect herself and her children from her hubby the only way she knows how. She also might be trying to hide any signs of physical abuse... Her checking on the toddler... I could be way off base with this one but the whole situation leaves me suspicious

[Homegirl 50]

I also wonder about abuse by the husband, him wanting to keep then away from family. If that is the case, it is a sad situation.

[asking]

I think the only thing I can do then is keep trying to reach out to my niece and hope that eventually she will either tell me what's bugging her about her mother and me or confide about her husband, if that's the problem. I'm going to try to visit when he's not there sometime in the next month... I don't want to lose connection with her or her kids.

Many thanks for all the thoughts and good advice. I really appreciate the perspective you all have given me.
Asking

[Tuscany]

Although I would tend to agree with J-9 on this. I do have a friend who has cut out her child's paternal grandmother.

When her son was born nobody was allowed to visit him until his first shots, After awhile we could finally visit him, but not hold him. Her mother was (and still is) over everyday. But, my friend refuses to leave her son with a babysitter or his paternal grandmother. When the paternal grandmother comes to visit the grandchild is always sleeping or not feeling well. She tries to take him for a few hours and the mother won't let her. Unfortunately the father (son) never sticks up to his wife and now the grandmother is so hurt that she does not come over anymore.

All that being said I think it is a control thing. When she has him she feels in control, when someone else has him she feels out of control. Does that make sense?

[oneguyinohio]

This is quite an interesting series of postings. It shows how people can read so many things into another persons actions. I wonder if anybody has considered the possibility that the husband is a terrorist? Seriously though, lots of people have little quirks in their behaviours especially after a new baby. I think she has every right to be protective of the child that she has carried for all of these months. It is perfectly natural for her to be protective of the child, and shows good bonding has taken place. You can be glad that she isn't neglectful of the baby... or failing to bond with it. It is her child, and you shouldn't take it personally that you didn't get to hold it right away. When a new child is born these days, the full weight of a parents responsibility of providing for the child's every need is the focus of the parent. When allowing someone else to play with or hold the baby, the parent is not used to giving up that role and feels that they need to be available for the child, and that it is their job as opposed to someone else's. If you want to be involved, do what you can to become more familiar to the baby and the parents by being around them more often... and understanding of their hovering over the baby... if they just dumped the baby on you or the mother, brother, etc. that would seem odd as well. So allow them the time to get used to sharing the baby... otherwise, if you get offended because you don't get to be the wonderful great aunt and grand mother in the early days, you may find yourself withdrawing from them because of your own perceptions... that will result in you not being around as the children grow up... all of that can be avoided if you make yourself available regularly... with a thicker skin... so you take in stride any actions of the parents that may be construed offensively... let them realize that they are in charge but that you want to be involved however you can... to share in the joys of the child...

That does seem to be the most important in the long run if the grandmother really wants to be a part of the children's lives... or is their a reason the grandmother is finding justification to distance herself from the daughter and grandchildren...

As far as the parents not coming to your house, don't take it personally either, people live extremely busy lives and there just is not enough time to be everywhere and go everywhere that we would like to... If you want to be more involved with the kids, make their lives easier by helping them with such time commitments by doing things like fixing dinners or watching the kids... as permitted of course... to make it easier for the parents to get all of their lives in order... go shopping with the mom or offer to pick up things at the grocery store... diapers, baby supplies... etc etc... so that you get to be a more involved relative instead of just someone who wanted to hold the little baby... I keep saying you... but hopefully you'll share some of these ideas with your sister... and hope she won't get offended when or if her ideas for greater involvement might not be immediately accepted... tell her to keep trying and offering... also ask how she can be more of a help to them and her grandchildren... she can consider it one more mountain for herself to climb!

[Homegirl 50]

I think that behavior is a bit abnormal. To not let the grand mother hold the baby?
I was protective of my only child (after losing two before she was born) as well, but I did not have a problem with letting her grandmother hold her. I didn't take her out in public for six weeks, and made sure people washed their hands before they held her.
My husband was obsessive, didn't want anyone to hold her, didn't want her to walk, was always afraid she would hurt herself. Would not let me take her anywhere without him. If it weren't for the fact that we he went to work, I had her to myself, I would have gone nuts.
His mother stayed with us for a month, 2 weeks before she was born and 2 weeks after to lend me a hand. He told me not to let his mother hold her. I told him "how dare you, she has helped me here for two weeks, bought things for this baby and is YOUR mother. I will not keep her form holding her grand daughter" He was upset with me about that, but he got over it.
He admits now that his behavior was way over the top.