[zistofel]

I really love my ex and I can't seem to stop thinking about him. I can go for a while thinking I'm over him, but then, if I'm tired or not busy, thoughts and memories come swarming into my head.

He broke up with me just over a year ago, and I haven't seen him since. He's never seemed to want to keep in contact. I wrote him a letter asking questions about what went wrong - I felt I needed some answers - but he didn't reply to it. I texted him about it, and he sent some rather nasty texts back implying he wasn't interested in the questions.

There was nothing bad in our relationship when we were going out; when he broke up with me he said it was because he didn't feel the same way about me any more.

I still find that a little hard to accept. If you really love someone, you don't just wake up one day not feeling the same way anymore. Or am I mistaken?

[fredg]

HI,
"really love someone" can mean different things. Real Love, to me, means knowing someone for at least a year or two, building a good relationship, caring, trusting, and wanting your partner to have a good life, treating them with respect. I've been married now for 29 yrs, and my wife and I would not want to be married to anyone else!
Many years ago, I lost my sweetheart to someone else. She wrote me a letter in college, that now after about 5 yrs of going together, she found another man! Took me a year to get over it, and start dating again.
It takes time. Make yourself start meeting new men, talk about them, listen to them talk about themselves. It really is the best way to get over someone.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[talaniman]

Accept He's gone and move on with your life and yes feelings can change overnight!:cool: :)

[Wildcat21]

I think you need to concentrate on the fact he doesn't want to be with you and was VERY rude to you. WHY would you want to even be with him?? He has zero feelings for you and never will again.

Sorry to say - he never had the same feelings for you. He is never coming back.

As I always say - concentrate on other things - school, work, FRIENDS, WORKOUT, religion, family, hobbies.

A year is WAY too long to dwell on a person who has zero feelings for you. I might suggest counceling. There something inside you that won't let go. This guy should not be in your head.

I THINK you're in love with the idea of a relationship and NOT (how could you be) this guy. You want th closeness of a relationship.

Make a list of good things and bad things about this guy. I bet, if you are honest - there will be more bad things - including the fact he has no feelings for you, won't even talk with you.

WHY would you want a person who won't even talk with you?

It's also repulsive for the ex to see you or hear still pinning away for him.

You needed closure and he wouldn't give it to you.

See - you put too much importance in someone who DID NOT feel the same way. When we put too much importance in someone - they run. Sounds like you made him too much of your life and now you have these feelings.

Let it go. When you think of him - have a thought to think about instead - like maybe a favorite vacation spot or yourfavorite thing to do.

"If you really love someone, you don't just wake up one day not feeling the same way anymore" - very mistaken - again, you are in love with the idea of a relationship - being close to someone - not this guy.

You also need to figure out what pushed him away - probably - and I can see it - your neediness, clingyness etc.

Do other things in life - your significant other is part of your life - not your life!! Always!! A small part.

[s_cianci]

Obviously your ex did not, in fact, feel about you the way you thought or wished he did and it sounds like he's been pretty honest and upfront about it. That said, you need to accept the fact that it is over and start pursuing some new interests. Not to be mean, but I wonder if maybe you've got a little too much time on your hands? You admit that it's been over a year yet you're still pining over him. Get busy and "get a life", as they say. Join a dance club, a bowling league, a church singles group. Take some courses, get a second job and earn some extra money. Continuing to agonize over someone who's been out of a life for over a year will only destroy any chance for happiness on your part. Get out and do things for yourself. There's a lot of living to be done out there so dive right in!

[Krs]

Forget him and move on.. please for your own sake.

1. Its been just over a year that this happened..
2. You wrote to him - he never answered.
3. You texted and he nastly reeplied back - quite bluntly saying he is NOT interested.

[Wildcat21]

She's in love with the idea of a relationship - not this guy. You can't be in love with someone you haven't seen in a year. She wants that closeness.

The sooner she gets this joker out of her head, the better.

She needs to find someone who actually wants to be closer to her.

She obviously, as, unfortunately MANY women do, suffers from low self esteem and thinks there are no other men out there who could love her - which is absolute BS.

[Keanumc]

I lost my ex 4 months ago after 3 years. We moved to Florida because he took a job here. I closed my business in Alabama and after being in Florida for a few months he decided he didn't want me anymore. We had a home together, I lost my puppy (he wouldn't let me take her) You have no idea how much pain and suffering I've been through and I understand your feelings of abandonment. At least you seem to have a life and that's a good thing. You do have to stay busy and train your mind to not think so much about it.

[needofhelp]

Feelings can seem that they change over night. My ex's feelings "changed over night," but really it's not being truthful with the other person. Regardless of what the reasons are.

It's normal to have memories or thoughts pop up. I'm facing that too. It's not fun. Remember that you control your thoughts. Think of something else.

Bargaining, Depression, Anger, Acceptance... those are the four stages people face during a break up. Once you accept that you need to move on, you will be on your way. You aren't alone. Be strong and remember that you will be OK.

[mwbigg]

I've found that, often, although a person may believe they are in love with another, they may only be attracted to a specific (and limited) number of another person’s physical and/or mental characteristics. For example, they may be drawn to their good looks, sexual compatibility, emotional or financial support, or one or more shared similar interests, etc. as a result, there is only a limited (as opposed to an overall) attraction. Based on my experience, a relationship formed upon such an attraction is doomed to a limited duration.

What ends up happening is that the person eventually decides he/she has needs and/or desires beyond those which originally attracted him/her to the other. When this time comes, the person wants to move on. And when they do, the other person, who either was or believed they were in love, finds it difficult to get over his/her former lover.

Writing from experience, I’ve found that the best thing to do is ask yourself what you miss: 1) who your ex-lover was (or who thought he/she was) during your relationship; or 2) who he/she is now? If you think about it, it can’t be who he/she is now because if you had witnessed them treating someone else the way they did you when things went bad, you would never have dated them in the first place.

So, who you miss is a person from the past. Someone different than the one you know now. At a minimum, his/her needs/desires have changed. Therefore, you have to put it in perspective.

View the situation as if a loved one has passed away. In such cases, it’s natural to mourn over the loss. But realize that the person you knew is gone. As a result, you can achieve closure and the pain will ultimately end.

[compmail54]

Getting over someone you love is really bad especially if it was first time and that person hurt you. But to have it done a second time is even worse as it tends to wreck yourself esteeem. Most break ups usually involve damaged self esteem. There will also be anger and bitterness. And worse if you won't let go that person that bitterness turns into resentment and stress related health problems. This is always worse in young people as they have no experience of what's to come in the future. To the young (I have viewed this from personal experience) there is no future. That person whas my soul mate, or so I convinced myself to firmly believe there was no other. He got another girlfriend and I was bitter at how he treated me. Initially he used me for sex but to me he was my soul mate and I couldn't see what he was doing. I gave myself to him at such a young age. I am a one person for life type girl and thought he was it. (This happens to boys to). How wrong was I but there is no way I could get over him. My moods were bad, I had some serious counselling which only worked to teach me that I didn't have to have sex to their demands and improved myself esteem. It didn't take away the hurt. I was too smart for the counsellors. I've went through the loss, the what have I done, why doesn't he want me. I went through the grief process which later when my mum died I found was a wasteful period of my life in comparison to real grief. Unfortunately he went where I went with my friends, he just showed up. I sat and yearned for him and felt hurt when he made out over the other girls. Once I said no to sex trying to get him to ask me to be his girlfriend he didn't want to know me any more. We were always dating but in my mind he was my boyfriend but I wasn't to him. We had a great relationship but he wouldn't commit. He was such a kind a caring loving person. I later found out he only spoke to me like that to get sex from me. I still couldn't let go of the fact that he is my soul mate.
This all sound familiar! Love can be so cruel can't it. I made the mistake of not letting go. A year after I was still evolved in anger and bitterness. It effected everything and makes me cry a lot. He was the only one for me. Tried antripressants which made me feel good for a while but the hurt NEVER went away. The yearning NEVER went away. Scared to stay on anti depressents for too long as the coming off effects are bad and they don't take away the hurt. But after much research I managed to solve the problem myself. I found that many hundreds go through this and stay miserable for a long life. Many hundreds find new love really soon. Its all about not holding a grudge. Not holding onto the hurt and the loss. Sure we have to grieve the loss initially but for heaven sake, how long. Take a good look at yourself and look at what you are missing out on. Be grateful for the opportunities you can make for yourself. People change. You have changed. You may have become a bitter dark souled person which he could see. Everyone can see it. You become gloomy and stressed in attitude without realising it. Sometimes you live a double life being bubbly and putting on a front in public and sad and miserable in private. If the length of yearning over the break up has been long, sit up and take a good look. Is this what you want. Treasure what you had with him/her as a good time of your life. Treasure the experience. Don't treasure that that person no longer wants you. Don't treasure what you think he has done to you. Don't dwell on the hurt. It takes two to tango and even if you think things were good people change and if they're not meant to be kama will see to that. Take a look around you. Is he really worth all your loss of enjoyment of life now? If yes, take another look. Make yourself go out with friends. Treasure the good friends who will always be there, both male and female. They'll soon get sick of your gloomy attitude. Start by LETTING GO. Appreciate what you have, not what you have not. Above all Don't call him or invite him over. You don't want that life again. Every day look up and read about things that make you happy. Read about how to get rid of anger and bitterness (wikihow a useful site among many). Read about how to let go. You already have the answers in your head. Start being you again. What you give out is what you get back. Walk around carrying anger and you'll lose your few good friends and no guy will come near you, especially him. You CAN forget him. Meet guys through friends. If he is there ignore him. Say to yourself he is not the person you thought he was anymore, what a... Believe it. Talk to guys but don't throw yourself at them. Forget him and realize just how many guys are waitng for their chance to take you out. What you thought was your soul mate you will soon realize was nothing compared to the person that's out there that's meant to be for you. Don't waste any more years of your life on the past. What's past is past and the past cannot be changed. But only you can make a better future for yourself without him, don't dare send him a letter, email or call him, don't dare become a victim of your emotions. You can't stand being this way missing him all the time. Let go. Live life. Take a chance while you are young enough to make a go of it. You don't want to still be hanging on to the ex at 45 and missed out on the joys of having family and a good life. Take a chance on yourself. What have you go to lose. What have you got to gain - happiness. You are young and with the wrong attitude will be hurt time and time again. Give love and yourself another chance. Change who you are first and develop yourself esteem and strengths. Read up on this as well. It takes 3 months to make serious fruitful change. Write up a set of goals and EVERY day express gratitude. Every day when the bad thoughts come in replace them with an image of the person you would like to spend your life with, NOT him. Its Kama or Law of Attraction or whatever. The new person might have some of the quatlities that you thought he had though. Every day SMILE when you get up. Be pleasant to the people you live with. Imagine what they have been put through. Are they still supporting you. Be proud of yourself. Give it three months. Life isn't meant to be easy but practice this and before you know it and he will be history, you will be naturally happy like you once were, and you will have guys who truthfully care about you line up to take you out. When you go out you don't care what he thinks about you. You see him but he's not interested in you so why are you wasting you life and thoughts on him. Don't imagine what he might be saying about you as that's only in your thoughts not his. Like what was said above only YOU control who you are. Don't be a victim. Don't hold a grudge and be bitter or resentful. You will only be sick. He doesn't care. Practice the above and you'll be amazed. Life is too short to waste it on what we can't have. Get out and do better for yourself. Get up and have fun. Above all be honest with yourself and others and smile. WANT to do this you have nothing to lose and it does NOT hurt. I've done this. I lost four years and almost missed the opportunity to have family. I now have a great career (initially lost through yearning for him in my teenage years), two lovely kids and a long lasting marriage. I still see him from time to time but he is a person who just hangs around my group of male friends. You can do it. Let go. Trust yourself.