The ex

sarah11282 · Jan 4, 2006, 08:36 AM

Me and my ex have been broken up for a few months. Would really like to try and give the relationship another go. Can't talk to him about it, as that would push him away.
We are not on bad terms with each other, but we are not in contact either.
SO I would like to become "friends" with him again. I don't know when I will get this opportunity, but I'd say I will.
But if/when this opportunity comes around, how do I become friends with him without falling into the friends trap.
We were friends before we started the relationship.
But I want to "re-seduce" him so to say, without him knowing what I am doing. But how do I be his friend with potential rather than just a friend? (I hope this makes sense!! )

Does anyone have any advice,
Thanks!

fredg · Jan 4, 2006, 08:46 AM

Hi, sarah,
Since it's been a few months, with no contact with each other, I am guessing that he is not interested.
The only thing you can do, if you see him or contact him again, is just talk with him honestly. Ask him if he wants to be friends.
The problem, if any develops, could be that when you want to be "more than friends", he won't! And, you could wind up being emotionally hurt.
What you are asking does make sense, but at 63 yrs old now, I am not into playing games. That might be what you will be doing, playing games with him, fall in love, and he might not want that at all.
It's your decision, but personally, I would try my best at meeting new men, finding one who wants to be more than friends. Eventually, you will. I do wish you the best of luck.

sarah11282 · Jan 4, 2006, 08:53 AM

Its not that I want to play games. I just would really like to give this relationship another go. I had a few months of no contact. I would just like to become his friend and see if anything could possibly develop out of it. If not, I will COMPLETELY move on. I am strong enough for this now. (whereas a few months ago I would not have been)
Its not going to be the end of my life it this doesn't happen, but I would really like to give it a go and see if anything could possibly happen.

nymphetamine · Jan 4, 2006, 09:09 AM

Just try not to be too obvious and desperate about getting this dude back in the boyfriend zone. You have to make him want you back.

Wildcat21 · Jan 4, 2006, 05:04 PM

Here's the deal...

The no contacts good. It's shows you have moved on.

Give him a call or send an e-mail and ask to meet for cofee to catch up. Just see how that goes. Maybe flirt a little. See how this goes.

Then wait a few days or a week. Shoot him an e-mail and say you had fun 'hanging out'.

s_cianci · Jan 4, 2006, 07:12 PM

Call him and talk to him as you did before, as though nothing had ever happened. Don't get your hopes up, however ; he may have some wounded pride that may make him reluctant to talk with you or see you. It's hard to say for sure as you didn't provide a lot of specifics in your post, such as who broke up with whom and why. If you're the one who did the breaking up, you may need to swallow some of your own pride and admit that maybe you were a little too hasty. If he did the breaking up, that may prove to be even more risky in that he may feel that you are pursuing him out of desparation and that can seem downright threatening to a guy. Take it easy and good luck.

johnno · Jan 5, 2006, 04:12 AM

I am in the same situation with my ex girlfriend of 7 months. I have seen her out a couple of times and we have spoken and she asked me to go around and see her family and stuff. I never went cause she said she wouldn't be home the only day I could have gone and that she'd call me this week but she hasn't. I want her back and I don't act desperate cause I've been with other girls, I just don't know what to do about it. If I hang out with her it will just be as 'friends', yet if I don't hang out with her how would I ever get her back?

Wildcat21 · Jan 5, 2006, 11:46 AM

Johnno - PLEASE don't call her - it's a test. Believe me. Just be cool about things.

Hang out with her once in a while - but be mysterious - break plans - don't always answer her calls right away. End calls first. Call her back the next day.

Go on dates - believe me - this works for a lot of reasons.

Not being able to see her family probably actually probably helped in your favor - I know it sounds weird - BUT, for now, being busy and unavailable WORKS.

These aren't games... you need to give her the feeling she needs to chase you, that she doesn't have you,

All these things - being friendly is OK - BUT, don't ever drop everything for her. DON'T let her talk about her problems and especially other men - tell she is boring you. Don't pay for things.

She needs to earn the right to hang out with you.

Chery · Jan 5, 2006, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by sarah11282

its not that i want to play games. i just would really like to give this relationship another go. i had a few months of no contact. i would just like to become his friend and see if anything could possibly develop out of it. if not, i will COMPLETELY move on. i am strong enough for this now. (whereas a few months ago i would not have been)
its not going to be the end of my life it this doesnt happen, but i would really like to give it a go and see if anything could possibly happen.

I wish you good luck in your future, and depending on how old/young you are, this is likely to happen more than once, so just ride along with the flow and don't stress yourself out. You might try going out and meeting other people, and probably will forget him, and one day, might meet him and be able to talk about 'old times' as friends. Life is too short and too much negative stuff is happening all around the world to dwell on mishaps and lost loves. You've survived a few months without him, and probably just not have met Mr Right yet, but think you can't do without this particular one - take a good look at what a future with him would be like, depending also on who broke up first - then start making plans for independent confidence in yourself first. Look into other things you might enjoy doing and keep busy. You should not put anyone in the center of your life until you've developed your own to the fullest. No matter what your choice, wish you all the best.

sarah11282 · Jan 5, 2006, 03:43 PM

He broke up with me. But it was not really that bitter. I did walk away when he broke up with me and did not cry or beg. I think I kept myself respect and did not contact him for months so I could grow stronger and keep my dignity. I am just at a point now where I would like to give relationship another go. It is not my life, and if it doesn't work out it will not be the end of the world. Its just getting back in contact with him now that I am worried about. I am pretty sure he thinks I have moved on as I have not been in contact with him and no one really knows that I feel this way so no one could have told him.

If I could get back in contact with him, I would know whether I stand a chance or not. I am just scared that by making this contact I will lose all I have gained by not begging him after we broke up, and not contact him or asking him to give it another go etc.

I don't want to ring him up and him to think that I am desperate and still crazy about him etc. I hope this makes some sense.

Wildcat21 · Jan 5, 2006, 03:53 PM

"but it was not really that bitter. i did walk away when he broke up with me and did not cry or beg."

That's good. As long as there wasn't any cheating, major lying, abuse - you have a chance then.

Make sure you have improved yourself and are 100% AWARE of WHAT pushed him away - were you too needy/clingy or jealous? Do you know what pushed him away? - this is very important - you need to prove (not tell him) you've changed and have grown. Show him... DON'T SAY IT!!

Make sure you trust him as well.

You have to call him - I'd do it like next Tuesday evening or Wednesday - it's too late in the week now. It's kind of an unassuming night. Ask him for coffee.

BUT, also going in understanding that you can walk away.

ALSO - sometimes we want A DREAM back. That in reality, when we see our ex... we get a strang feeling and don't really want THAT person back... but some sort of DREAM we have in our heads - make sure when you see him you think about REALITY... not that perfect dream.

sarah11282 · Jan 5, 2006, 03:59 PM

Thanks wildcat. Yes I did get clilngy/needy at the end. But it was only for about 2 weeks and then we broke up in the middle of a fight. He got new job and new friends and I got insecure and very stupid!! But I've learned my lesson. I am hoping that he does not just rem me as clingy/needy person I was as that was only for about 2 weeks. For the other 7 months of the relationship I was not like that at all.

But I know he is someone that is so easily pushed away very very easily. Its making this initial contact that I am most scared off. I know when we are back in contact I will know whether I stand a chance at all. And if I don't (and as long as he does not see why I got back in contact with him) I honestly believe I will be able to just remain friends with him and move on.

Wildcat21 · Jan 5, 2006, 04:07 PM

"but i know he is some1 that is so easily pushed away very very easily."

Obviously take care in remembering that. He needs his space - give him his space. Eventually make him call you - you can turn the tables on this if you're patient.

I think there are some great free articles that might help you gain confidence at this site:

www.lovetactics.com

Scroll down.

It may give you a clue on how to turn the tables if you act appropriately.