[wackymb]

I am really needing some advice. How do you know if you just love someone or is in love with them? With all the problems that me and my husband are having, I just came to realize that maybe he says that he loves me but, won't admit if he is in-love with me. I'm afraid to ask him cause I don't know what he will say. I don't want to lose him. He's brought up divorce a couple times but, never went for it. I would always say sorry. See he thinks it's all me when a fight comes. He threatens me with divorce every time so now I'm afraid to even talk to him. I can't imagine my life with out him. We have a 4 year old son. We have major sex issues and I just feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore. I gained weight since we first met. Of course, that's what kids do to you. We fight cause I want another baby, he doesn't. Everything I want, I don't get cause he doesn't want it. Don't get me wrong, he's not controlling. I just never get what I want in this relationship. There are days that he will talk to me about things(not relationship wise) and then other days he is like he is trying to avoid me. But, when I ask what is wrong, he says nothing is wrong. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I've had many jobs but, ended up quiting cause I hated them. I can't find anything that makes me happy. I don't know. Please give me some advice on what love really is. We are that kind of couple that holds hands, or sit on the same side of the table when going out to eat, he hardly lets me cuddle with him, he doesn't like kissing, just stuff normal people do. Well, what is a normal couple anyway? Am I just being dumb? I know that I hate the way I look and I don't like the way I've made my life so far and I actually don't love myself. Do you think since I am like this, it could be what is wrong with my marriage? Thanks for your inputs. Looking forward to hearing from you.

[N0help4u]

It sounds like he has gotten into a complacent rut and just going through the motions.
He may not be happy with his life and want something different but comfortable enough that he doesn't want to make a drastic change like actually leaving. He probably uses getting a divorce to scare you off from arguing with him.
Many guys are self centered in a relationship and don't give any care about what the woman wants. Even though it isn't necessarily controlling, they aren't being considerate to your feelings. I think the best thing you could do is think of yourself. Get involved with things you enjoy. Maybe join Curves and take a class or a hobby. Eventually when he sees you are happy with yourself maybe he will come around and be more affectionate.

[wackymb]

It sounds like he has gotten into a complacent rut and just going through the motions.
He may not be happy with his life and want something different but comfortable enough that he doesn't want to make a drastic change like actually leaving. He probably uses getting a divorce to scare you off from arguing with him.
Many guys are self centered in a relationship and don't give any care about what the woman wants. Even though it isn't necessarily controlling, they aren't being considerate to your feelings. I think the best thing you could do is think of yourself. Get involved with things you enjoy. Maybe join Curves and take a class or a hobby. Eventually when he sees you are happy with yourself maybe he will come around and be more affectionate.

Thanks. And he does use it to scare me. He admitted that before. He hates it when I stay in the room trying to get him to talk and that's when everything blows out of porportion. But, sometimes I just don't know anymore. And the thing is, I can't find anything that makes me happy. I had several jobs and wasn't liking them and now I stay at home and babysit. Not liking that either. I have no money to go out and do anything. See I am so paranoid and don't like to be left out of things. I know that I need to get over that but, it's so hard. I don't love myself and I know it will be hard for someone else to love me. But, thanks. I have been thinking a lot today about what I should do to improve myself. He says that he is happy with his life except for when I supposedly start fights with him. But, he does ignore me too much and he doesn't think so. Hopefully I can do something before it's too late.

[RubyPitbull]

I don't love myself and I know it will be hard for someone else to love me.

You just said a lot in this sentence. How do you expect someone to be happy and loving toward you if you aren't happy with yourself? In everything you do, it shows. No one wants to be subjected to an unhappy person day in and day out.

You do need to go out and find a life outside of the house and child. You are limiting yourself in your conversations with your husband. Think of it from his point of view. He works all day, comes home and finds you griping about one thing or another. You cannot expect another person to make you completely happy. That is putting an enormous weight on your husband's shoulders. You also cannot force someone to talk with you when they are tired. Home should be a refuge where you both can escape from the outside world together. Why are you trying to force him to tell you he is "in love" with you? Why can't he just tell you he loves you and leave it at that? You are headed down the wrong path with that one my dear. It shows you have too much time on your hands and you are not interacting with enough adults. If someone did that to me, questioning how much I love them and forcing me to tell them I not only loved them but I must tell them that I am "in love" with them, I would be out the door. What you are doing is suffocating and controlling behavior.

Why don't you think about taking classes at a local college/university? If you can't afford it, look into financial aid. I also think it says a lot about you in that you have quit every job you have had because you don't like it. Why? You need to figure out why you don't like ANY of the jobs you have had. Either you are applying for the wrong jobs for you, or you need to think about how you are interacting with others and change the attitude.

If you are unhappy and it is too hard for you to figure out what you want out of life besides being home with your child, I think it might be a wise move to find a counselor in your area to speak with. They can help you think this through and to find your "bliss."

[donf]

Dear Wacky,

You ask, "What is love?" I answer " Love is 5'3" with a ponytail." That was a song from back in my puppy days.

Please understand from the git go that marriage is not for the faint of heart. It has all sorts of problems for the two of you to face.

Why does your husband ask for a divorce. Is there something specific that is the trigger for that request or some action of yours? And why do you feel it is your place to just apologize?

Guys know how to rant and rave at anything. We don't know how to describe how we are feeling at anytime and frankly that type of conversation scares the bedevil out of us. I don't know how, but women folk are supposed to just know! It's certainly not fair but that's the way it is. I don't know how long it took me to figure out that I actually had feelings and could talk about them, but I eventually did.

Basically guys are just dumb hunks of flesh and bone. We exist for sex and food. At least that's what we think we exist for. My wife is constantly telling me that I'm under construction or a work in progress. Eventually she believes she will transform me into a caring gentle guy with feelings and whatnot. She's succeeded so far!

[wackymb]

Dear Wacky,

You ask, "What is love?" I answer " Love is 5'3" with a ponytail." That was a song from back in my puppy days.

Please understand from the git go that marriage is not for the faint of heart. It has all sorts of problems for the two of you to face.

Why does your husband ask for a divorce. Is there something specific that is the trigger for that request or some action of yours? And why do you feel it is your place to just apologize?

Guys know how to rant and rave at anything. We don't know how to describe how we are feeling at anytime and frankly that type of conversation scares the bedevil out of us. I don't know how, but women folk are supposed to just know! It's certainly not fair but that's the way it is. I don't know how long it took me to figure out that I actually had feelings and could talk about them, but I eventually did.

Basically guys are just dumb hunks of flesh and bone. We exist for sex and food. At least that's what we think we exist for. My wife is constantly telling me that I'm under construction or a work in progress. Eventually she believes she will transform me into a caring gentle guy with feelings and whatnot. She's succeeded so far!

I know that marriage isn't going to have problems. But, why is when there is one that men don't want to talk about them? I don't get it. I am the kind of girl that needs answers when something is wrong. Not those stupid words "I don't know". That's bull. Men are just to stubbern. And he does ask for a divorce because of my actions. And believe me, I am trying to work on them. But, when he acts the way he does, it doesn't help. When I am hurting and need to talk he shouldn't turn me down and tell me to leave him alone. That makes it worse for me. I'm not just thinking of myself, I am always trying to figure out what I can to do make things right for him. He's called me fat and said that if I got bigger he would leave me. You don't say that to a woman. Weight just won't fall off by itself. I'm doing what I can right now. Were you this way when you were in your 20's. I'm not trying to change him completely, just how he treats me. He never tells me thank you for anything. I just gave him $70 to buy him camouflage boots that he wants as an early x-mas gift, I not one thank you. He doesn't buy me anything for holidays, or my birthdays. So, how am I just suppose to know that he loves me. Please I don't see how he is showing it. I know that I need to find myself right now. I'm trying to work on it. Thanks

[wackymb]

You just said a lot in this sentence. How do you expect someone to be happy and loving toward you if you aren't happy with yourself? In everything you do, it shows. No one wants to be subjected to an unhappy person day in and day out.

You do need to go out and find a life outside of the house and child. You are limiting yourself in your conversations with your husband. Think of it from his point of view. He works all day, comes home and finds you griping about one thing or another. You cannot expect another person to make you completely happy. That is putting an enormous weight on your husband's shoulders. You also cannot force someone to talk with you when they are tired. Home should be a refuge where you both can escape from the outside world together. Why are you trying to force him to tell you he is "in love" with you? Why can't he just tell you he loves you and leave it at that? You are headed down the wrong path with that one my dear. It shows you have too much time on your hands and you are not interacting with enough adults. If someone did that to me, questioning how much I love them and forcing me to tell them I not only loved them but I must tell them that I am "in love" with them, I would be out the door. What you are doing is suffocating and controlling behavior.

Why don't you think about taking classes at a local college/university? If you can't afford it, look into financial aid. I also think it says a lot about you in that you have quit every job you have had because you don't like it. Why? You need to figure out why you don't like ANY of the jobs you have had. Either you are applying for the wrong jobs for you, or you need to think about how you are interacting with others and change the attitude.

If you are unhappy and it is too hard for you to figure out what you want out of life besides being home with your child, I think it might be a wise move to find a counselor in your area to speak with. They can help you think this through and to find your "bliss."

First of all he only works three days a week. He's not that tired. And I don't ask him to help with the house chores or the kid, I do it all. It was that way when I was even working. That's why I just wanted to stay home. And I bring in some money, I babysit. So, it's not like I'm sitting here on my all day and doing nothing. And I'm not asking him to tell me that he is in-love with me. I just want him to sometimes show that I matter to him. And I'm tired of getting these stupid jobs that don't pay much and won't take you anywhere in life. That's why. I know my attitude isn't perfect but, you don't really know how he is. I do fine with people out in the public. I'm not a bad person or a as you may be thinking. This is how women are. They constantly wonder if their man really love them or not. And if this is the way they want their life to be. I am limited when you are the one that puts the kids needs before yours. He goes out whenever and doesn't worry one damn bit about who may watch the kid if I had something to do also. There has been many times that I had to cancel my plans cause he was going out no matter what. Yeah, anyway, thanks for your input.

[RubyPitbull]

Hmmm. You have given us all some additional info that you didn't put in your original post. All men don't do the things you are describing that your husband does. It is sad that he is treating you so shabbily. He definitely should not be saying those things to you about your weight. That is very shallow of him and it is not what a marriage is about. He also should not be putting his needs first. Marriage is a partnership and he does need to recognize you both need to work together to resolve issues. It sounds as if he is just shutting you down. Not good. You would definitely benefit from counseling. Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling with you? Are you religious at all? If so, it might be time to find some counseling from someone in your church, synagogue,. that you trust, admire, and respect. If you aren't religious, take a look at your regional yellow pages. Look under the Table of Contents for Helpful Numbers. Then, look through those pages and find Family Support Services. Under that, there should be a phone number to WISE (Women Information Services). Call that number. They will be able to assist you in finding low cost counseling in your area. They can also help with finding out where you can go to get more information on job training or taking classes. It sounds like you might benefit from training for work that you will enjoy and will enable you to earn more money.

[wackymb]

hmmm. You have given us all some additional info that you didn't put in your original post. All men don't do the things you are describing that your husband does. It is sad that he is treating you so shabbily. He definitely should not be saying those things to you about your weight. That is very shallow of him and it is not what a marriage is about. He also should not be putting his needs first. Marriage is a partnership and he does need to recognize you both need to work together to resolve issues. It sounds as if he is just shutting you down. Not good. You would definitely benefit from counseling. Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling with you? Are you religious at all? If so, it might be time to find some counseling from someone in your church, synagogue,... that you trust, admire, and respect. If you aren't religious, take a look at your regional yellow pages. Look under the Table of Contents for Helpful Numbers. Then, look through those pages and find Family Support Services. Under that, there should be a phone number to WISE (Women Information Services). Call that number. They will be able to assist you in finding low cost counseling in your area. They can also help with finding out where you can go to get more information on job training or taking classes. It sounds like you might benefit from training for work that you will enjoy and will enable you to earn more money.

Thanks, but I tried seeing if he would go to counseling. He said no, its gay . And that's what I've been trying to say all along. That he shuts me down but, he doesn't realize it. We had another little argument cause we were outside trying to pick up the yard and I kept asking him if he wanted me to help and he just ignored me. Said that I don't need him to tell me where to put stuff. Well, to me, yes he did. It was all his stuff and if I would have put it in a different spot, he would have gotten mad. I don't know what he wants from me. He says he's not mad at me for not working cause I am babysitting and help around the house. But, there is something that is making him be like this and I can't get him to open up. Why can't men be honest for once and talk to us about what they are feeling? I really want to save our marriage but, I can't do it on my own. I could get counseling on my own for just me but, either way I will have to end up paying some money and I completely don't have any. I give my husband all my babysitting money to help out with bills. Cause if I don't, then I hear about it. We never shared a checking account either. He says that he doesn't trust me. I never buy anything. I get stuff for the house and the kid. When he needs it. My husband spends more than I do. It's just not fair. How can I get him to talk to me or at least take my serious and take in what I have to say and see where I'm coming from, without arguing though. I could go talk to him calmly and be the way he acts and talks back, starts a fight. Anyway, thanks for your help.

[grammadidi]

Sweetie, your husband doesn't need to go to counseling with you. If I were you I would tell him that you feel there are a lot of problems both with your self-esteem and in your marriage that you want to work on and you wish he would work on them with you. Regardless, you have decided that the only way you can work on them is to go to counselling. Then tell him that you would really prefer that he go with you, but if he is uncomfortable with that, you understand. However, you are still going to go and you will ask him every week if he would like to join you so that if he changes his mind at any time he won't have to feel too awkward to ask.

Personally, I would be tempted to tell him that you would prefer to go to a marriage counselling rather than separation counselling, but that's probably too catty. Bottom line is, you must look after you! As you improve yourself you will find that the people around you will change. He may decide at that time to join you and work on things together, or one of you may decide to move on. Either way, you will be happier, more secure and a much more capable and self-aware person.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

[wackymb]

Sweetie, your husband doesn't need to go to counseling with you. If I were you I would tell him that you feel there are a lot of problems both with your self-esteem and in your marriage that you want to work on and you wish he would work on them with you. Regardless, you have decided that the only way you can work on them is to go to counselling. Then tell him that you would really prefer that he go with you, but if he is uncomfortable with that, you understand. However, you are still going to go and you will ask him every week if he would like to join you so that if he changes his mind at any time he won't have to feel too awkward to ask.

Personally, I would be tempted to tell him that you would prefer to go to a marriage counselling rather than separation counselling, but that's probably too catty. Bottom line is, you must look after you! As you improve yourself you will find that the people around you will change. He may decide at that time to join you and work on things together, or one of you may decide to move on. Either way, you will be happier, more secure and a much more capable and self-aware person.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

Thank you. I've been thinking all day today that if I don't get some kind of help that I'm going to leave him. I can't take it anymore. He told me today that there is nothing wrong with him that it's all me. No it's not. He is just being an a** and won't admit that he is part of the problem. I plan on talking to him to see if he will help me get into some kind of counseling. If not, I know that his parents will. They want us to work it out and they are really great to talk to. His mom tells me that his dad was the same way when they were our age. She told me to hang in, but, I'm not sure how long this will keep going on. I also think that I'm at home too much and I need to find a part-time job or something that won't enterfer in my babysitting hours and taking/picking my son up from school. I don't have much family here and can't afford after school daycare so, I'd rather be home at that time. I know that if I change my attitude and the way I am that others will to. It's just hard when you have a guy who really doesn't support you and think that all your needs and wants are stupid. Thanks again. You were helpful.

[Tranquility]

Love yourself, do u best and leave the rest.