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str82hell · Oct 8, 2007, 11:16 PM

I have thought about ending my life for so long I can't remember what life was like before that. I don't know why I feel this way, except to say that I am tired of living. Its not that my life is bad, right now its actually really cool, so I don't get it. Why the hell do I think about killing myself every day?

jonathonb · Oct 9, 2007, 12:27 AM

Originally Posted by str82hell

I have thought about ending my life for so long I can't remember what life was like before that. I don't know why I feel this way, except to say that I am tired of living. Its not that my life is bad, right now its actually really cool, so I don't get it. Why the hell do I think about killing myself every day?

Hey thanks for your answer some days are better than others how old are u ? Because I maybe of some comfort and I have bad days too! But if you say your life is good you may be suffering a chemical imbalance in the brain I do but have ways of controlling it!

str82hell · Oct 9, 2007, 12:32 AM

I am 31. I started considering it at 13 when I was left alone with someone I was afraid would rape me. I don't know if I have a chemical imbalance; I suspect I do. Maybe its genetic, my mom has considered suicide and my brother has tried numerous times. I am just frustrated with it because rationally I can see that my life has much potential, but emotionally I am just tired of living.

How do you control your imbalance? I have tried a few meds, some made me worse. One helped a little.

brookeleigh · Oct 9, 2007, 12:38 AM

Try to start new, new friends new jobs.. hairstyle... if you do that you can flip your life around completely and start fresh.. enjoy life! You only live once.

jonathonb · Oct 9, 2007, 02:32 AM

Originally Posted by str82hell

I am 31. I started considering it at 13 when I was left alone with someone I was afraid would rape me. I don't know if I have a chemical imbalance; I suspect I do. Maybe its genetic, my mom has considered suicide and my brother has tried numerous times. I am just frustrated with it because rationally I can see that my life has much potential, but emotionally I am just tired of living.

How do you control your imbalance? I have tried a few meds, some made me worse. One helped a little.

My father was a counsellor educator at adelaide uni medical dept he was as crazy as me diagnosed manic deppressive extreme highs and lows so he was on lithium and people use recreational drugs and alcahol to stabilize there moods but I'm no exp I just no he died prematurely and I have 2 children so don't want to do same! So I am a pro wavesailor and it helps when I'm on the water or active but if I go to nuts enjoying myself I come crashing down later but its better than abusive substances so find the thing you are most passionate about and adapt it to your life with dissapline works for me you have to really love what you choose to do!

str82hell · Oct 9, 2007, 07:03 AM

Like I said in the first post, my life now is pretty cool. I am actually living what I would consider my wildest dream. I just can't get it out of my head. That's why its such a puzzle for me.

J_9 · Oct 9, 2007, 07:19 AM

Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

It is also a symptom of many depressive illnesses. You need to seek professional help for this. Meds, may be necessary, and may possibly only be temporary until you work through what it is that is causing these thoughts.

KBC · Oct 9, 2007, 04:10 PM

Obsessive thoughts can be treated,I have been there(and at 41 can tell you,yes you can change,but only if want to)

Willingness to change comes from within,acceptance to change comes from exposure to knowledge,which leads to willingness,hmmm so do you want to change? Or keep going down the same road your on?

I have been in the same rut as you have described,thoughts of self destruction.
I expressed it openly to a small group of like minded people,and it came out soooo odd,like,what was I thinking?My life is not all bad,I just can't get the thought out,going to sleep,waking up,first thought! What the HE**!

Medications did work(still do to some extent)Therapy does too,but that's just me. It might work for you if you want to stop the process.

Hope to hear from you again,
Ken

str82hell · Oct 10, 2007, 11:00 AM

I have already changed a lot. Things are much better than they have been. I guess that's why the thoughts aggrivate me so much. They make no sense in the life that I lead. Other than being physically ill for the past couple weeks, I am where I want to be. Granted I am in hiding, and I feel like if found my life could be at some risk at some point down the line.

That's far off and really doesn't pertain to the here and now. So I think I should be over it by now. Yet the thoughts are still there. I have gone through years of therapy and have tried antidepressants. I am still on one. Yet the thoughts are still there.

boopy_like · Oct 11, 2007, 05:07 AM

Originally Posted by str82hell

I have thought about ending my life for so long I can't remember what life was like before that. I don't know why I feel this way, except to say that I am tired of living. Its not that my life is bad, right now its actually really cool, so I don't get it. Why the hell do I think about killing myself every day?

Hello.. you want to kill yourself everyday?. why? Are you not satisfied of your life? Haven't you find your nirvana yet?

str82hell · Oct 13, 2007, 09:05 PM

Its not that I am not satisfied. I am living my dream. I don't know why I feel this way. Some days are better than others, but even on good days I think about it. I have been this way since I was a teen.
I just wish it would go away. I want to move on with the life I have, and end it at the same time. It makes no sense.

KBC · Oct 14, 2007, 05:59 AM

More and more this sounds like you have an obsession with a certain direction,that needs to be addressed,the depression is a spin-off of it.

Could it possibly be from your past somewhere?

Regression therapy is a possibility,to explore the past to answer the first and foremost directive of your mental obsession.

If you can keep an open mind(hard as it may be)therapy and meds address today's problems,not yesterdays reasons.

Hope to hear from you soon on this,
Ken

str82hell · Oct 14, 2007, 08:38 PM

That's about it. I know when it started. I don't know how to get rid of it. It started when I was left alone with someone I thought was going to rape me. I was 13. I figured death was better than being raped by a close family member. I couldn't find any other way to escape the situation. I was tortured as a kid, the guy had an obsession with fear. He liked to see how scared he could make you and how long he could keep you that way. I was a kid. If I knew then what I know now... what can I say?

I am on meds. They help a lot, but I still can't get over the thoughts/ obsession with suicide. I have tried therapy for three years. It also helped a lot, but it reached a plateau. I tried it again recently, its making me worse. It reminds me of how messed up my life has been, instead of allowing me to fully integrate into my new life.

I just want it out of my head so I can move forward. It aggrivates me when I stand by the tracks near the campus waiting for the bus, and think about jumping in front of the train. There is no present reason for that.:confused:

KBC · Oct 15, 2007, 04:24 AM

Originally Posted by str82hell

Thats about it. I know when it started. I don't know how to get rid of it. It started when I was left alone with someone I thought was going to rape me. I was 13. I figured death was better than being raped by a close family member. I couldn't find any other way to escape the situation. I was tortured as a kid, the guy had an obsession with fear. He liked to see how scared he could make you and how long he could keep you that way. I was a kid. If I knew then what I know now.... what can I say?

I am on meds. They help a lot, but I still can't get over the thoughts/ obsession with suicide. I have tried therapy for three years. It also helped a lot, but it reached a plateau. I tried it again recently, its making me worse. It reminds me of how messed up my life has been, instead of allowing me to fully integrate into my new life.

I just want it out of my head so I can move forward. It aggrivates me when I stand by the tracks near the campus waiting for the bus, and think about jumping in front of the train. There is no present reason for that.:confused:

Like me going meetings for my past drug use,If I go to too many,am I just reliving the problem,not a solution?

Therapy isn't too far from this idea(at least for me)how much is too much?

Where is the balance between exploring the past and living life on life's terms?

I take breaks from meetings/therapy etc. to find myself sometimes,eventually I either need one or the other to move past a hurdle in life and hopefully address another growing phase in life(big or small,there all growth)

Give yourself a break,is it something you can't handle for one day at a time?

If it is,my early AM mantra is,"I will do the next right thing for me today,Not worry about the past,I am going to do for me what others won't/can't do for me,because I AM WORTH IT!"(Eventually even I believed it;))

Develop a positive phrase for your waking(or when you feel the self destructive feelings/berating thoughts)coming on,fight for the happiness you have today,you know your worthy,depression is just a subtle devil sitting on your shoulder telling you to"believe"him.

Don't fall prey to it,depression is longterm,as you well know,fight for your right to happiness,but do it at a pace that is acceptable to your needs.

Hope this makes sense(early AM writing isn't always clear,not enough coffee yet... lol)

Ken

firmbeliever · Oct 15, 2007, 04:31 AM

I agree with Ken, you know you are worthy.

I think str8, you need to slow down and live life from one moment to the next, instead of the past, try finding a goal for your future.

I have seen this recommended for many on this site and I think it will help you too.
Find a cause you can help with.Troubled teens, suicidal teens,support groups for abused teens, or even visit old aged homes and spend time with people who could use your company and time.
I am sure seeing how others have lived life to a ripe old age or being able to help someone in trouble will help you see life from a different perspective.

str82hell · Oct 15, 2007, 01:22 PM

I understand what you are saying. Here is the difficulty I am having. I have goals, I have a direction. I am just bothered by the recurrent thoughts. I am quitting therapy. I feel like right now it's the equivalent of the stub method of treating a broken toe. You must stub the toe every couple of days so your mind can fully process the pain your body feels. I think I am going to try staying off my feet. Staying away from things that remind me of the past and moving forward. I have been doing this except for the therapy.

I did not want regression therapy anyway and that's what the guy seems stuck on.

KBC · Oct 15, 2007, 03:52 PM

Well,I have given you advice,apparently the same advice your therapist has,concerning regression therapy,and have tried to better understand your plight.

I am not sure you really want to change your ways.

You have stated your need to get rid of recurrent thoughts,but are not willing to take advise offered,not by me,but your professional therapist,are you looking for an easier,softer way?Sorry there isn't one,its hard work!

To get better,willingness to face fears honestly,openly IS the easier softer way.

Hope you see the light soon,

Ken