[Nanajua]

Hi. I've posted before In the hopes to talk to someone about how I'm feeling. I haven't posted in a few weeks and I'm sad to say that I don't feel like everything is going right? I am so happy with my husband of 6 months. We've been through so much together and he's my life. However, I'm miserable after the miscarriage and I want to try to have a baby again. He on the other hand can't seem to understand how I feel. He can see how upset I am. I cry constantly. I feel like just giving this marriage up... in the end if he can see how miserable I am and not want to do anything about it then how can he love me. He may think he's protecting our relationship and says I will thank him later... but I feel like its causing serious problem in our marriage. I'm ready to give him an ultimatium. He said keeps saying to wait. And each time I've agree to the compromise but every time its me who is giving something and he is taking. Its like a dictatorship. I have no say so. I mean. He told me to go on birth control and when I picked one... He said no. That I had to go on another one. So its like. I can't even choose which birth control I put in my own body? I just... I feel so upset. I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. But the depression and upsetting feelings in my heart over the want for a baby in my life right now is causing me to think horrible things. Such as leaving him , cheating, tricking him into it, and just things like that. I love him. I don't want to lose him. Please don't judge me. I feel horirble I have no one to talk too. He sys we aren't ready. But I know we are. I'm from a ffamily where we all had kids young... and they all ask me... when can we expect a new arrival.. and it just hurts me. Then my best friend told me she was pregnant... and she doesn't even want her baby.. shes going to have it.. but its unwanted... I mean. I just.. dont know what to do. I want to be with him... but if he won't do this for me and I end of staying miserable... what can I do/? I want to be happy.. and I'm happy until I see a pregnant girl or just watch TV really... everywhere I think about it. And I can't take it anymore. Please. Help me.

[Biggie]

First off, I'm sorry for everything you've gone through with losing your baby. I know that wasn't easy. It's obvious that has caused some issues between you two. I would bet anything that he's as torn up over it as you are. Some guys keep their feelings inside instead of letting them out. It sounds like you got yourself a hard headed stubborn guy. That's not a put down, it just sounds like that's the way he is. I know giving up isn't the answer. 6 months is nothing compared to the many years ahead for you two. I'm sure you knew going into this there would be challenges, and there has been one already, a life changer. Just because he acts the way he does doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I guarantee you he does. All I can tell you is talk to him. Turn the TV off, turn the cell phones off, do whatever you have to do to get his undivided attention. Work things out. Tell him exactly how you feel, but in a loving way. And when all is said and done, I think you will see a new man. This is just a roadblock. You can overcome this. And someday down the road, you'll get your chance to be a mother, when the time is right. And you'll be glad you didn't give up. Don't give up. There's an answer for everything.

[Nanajua]

I know that he loves me. I see it. He tries so hard to make me happy. But with everything I've been through in life. I knew and he knew that children were my main goal. And with the pregnancy that I lost I know he's over it. We've talked about it and moved on and its just.. he says we aren't ready now. I mean.. in a way I feel completely tricked.. because I told him that I wanted kids after we got married and he had to know this going into our marriage. I know.. 6 months. Its not long.. and god I love him so much it hurts. Thinking about being without him makes me want to kill myself. I just don't know what to do anymore.I have tried to talk to him... he watches me cry.. he always said he would do anything for me.. and he's not even willing to talk about it. He tries and ignores the conversation all the time. And I'm just so tired of it... I'm miserable.. and upset.. I love him but I can't keep staying awake at night because I can't sleep and just cry. I try and put on a brave face but I'm just so unhappy... I love him.. and being around him makes me happy.. but I just... this problem I have is tearing our relationship down.. and its wearing thin... I don't know what to do. He has an anti social disorder and he can't talk things through.. his face just goes blank and its hard to get him to talk to you... about anything... anything important... and that's never going to change... he knew this was what I wanted. I made it perfectly clear. Its like I have no say so.. none.. and I'm so upset.. why doesn't he see this.

[Biggie]

You made your point clear that you wanted children from the start. What about him? Is this what he wanted to? Did he tell you his feelings on having children and if/when he wanted them? It's obvious you want children and I can understand that. But when he says you guys aren't ready, maybe he means he isn't. I think some of the best parents are those who wait until they are 100% ready. Can you honestly say that you are 100% ready? If so, then you two are at a crossroads and that is something you will have to work at. But when you do have children, I know you'll be a good mother. I think deep down he wants to be a good father, but maybe right now he doesn't feel he can be. I don't think the answer would be "give me a child or get out." Marriage isn't about that. It's about a commitment two people make to each other for the rest of their lives. I'm not Dr. Phil, so these words are what I truly feel. For the time being, be blessed with what you have. Everything else will fall into place when the time is right.

[Nanajua]

I understand biggie. I know everything your saying. We have everything we need to have and support a child. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it if the child we made I had no means to support. However when we agreed I wanted to make sure tha we were btoh on the same page before we got married. He had told me he wanted kids but wante dto wait until after we were married so that our children were born under wedlock. I completely agreed. And I love him to death. But I feel in some way I've been tricked as to where he just changed his mind.. and I have no say so. I feel traped.. I love him more than anything in the world and I'm enjoying and loving your time together. But... its ilke... its like when you get to know someone before you get married.. you want to make sure the person has the same plans as you. And I thought we had. But now he's changed his mind of ralmost no reason at all. And I don't know how to feel. I've been patient for over a year now. And I love him and can't immagine life without him. But I'm so depressed that I can't function anymore. Thinking about being without him hurts so bad... but thinking that he's not on the same page as me and doesn't want the same things right now makes me feel like it isn't worth it.

[Nanajua]

I understand biggie. I know everything your saying. We have everything we need to have and support a child. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it if the child we made I had no means to support. However when we agreed I wanted to make sure tha we were btoh on the same page before we got married. He had told me he wanted kids but wante dto wait until after we were married so that our children were born under wedlock. I completely agreed. And I love him to death. But I feel in some way I've been tricked as to where he just changed his mind.. and I have no say so. I feel traped.. I love him more than anything in the world and I'm enjoying and loving your time together. But... its ilke... its like when you get to know someone before you get married.. you want to make sure the person has the same plans as you. And I thought we had. But now he's changed his mind of ralmost no reason at all. And I don't know how to feel. I've been patient for over a year now. And I love him and can't immagine life without him. But I'm so depressed that I can't function anymore. Thinking about being without him hurts so bad... but thinking that he's not on the same page as me and doesn't want the same things right now makes me feel like it isn't worth it.

[Nanajua]

Sorry a double post.

[Biggie]

Have you thought about seeking professional advice? I'm not educated in this area. These are just my thoughts. From all that you said, you love this guy and that's good. You said you can't imagine life without him. From that alone, I don't think you should give up. Have you asked him why he thinks you guys aren't ready? If he said that then he should provide reasons for it. I gather that you're young since you said all the women in your family had children at a young age. You've only been married six months. Why not enjoy some time together before you start a family. I know that children can bring joy and happiness, but don't you have that with him? Having children at a young age because other women in your family did that isn't the right answer. My sister had my niece almost one year ago. When she had that baby, life as she knew it was changed forever. All I can say is, be happy with what you have at the moment. When you see a pregnant woman, be happy for her, because someday that will be you. Life is short. Why rush things? Get out there and experience new things, both of you, together. Having children is just a part of being married. There are so many other factors. Use this time to spend together while you still can. Problems can be worked out. I know you have other things in your life you can be happy about, you're just letting the one big thing you want most get in the way of all that. Everything will work out. Trust me.

[Nanajua]

Yeah I can understand where you are coming from biggie. I'm 19 years old and he is 20. And its not just that my family had kids young... its just one reason. I've had a reallly really bad past and I have tried to kill myself 3 times during my life. I've just found so much love with my husband.. and its not that I can't feel be happy without a baby right now. I find my sef laughing and enjoying time with my hubby and we do everything together.. we are always together.. we reallydont like going out with friends by ourselves because we just find som much happiness together... I never thought in a million years that I could ever feel this way again. But with my past brings back a lot of problems which is causing most of my issues with wanting a child now. Its hard to explain to someone who doesn't know my background and I understand your idea of spending time with him to get to know him and enjoy ourselves.. I really do.. I've been thinking about everything. We've known each other for 7 years.. and we've been living together for 2 years.. and dating for 3... I mean.. I know hiim better than I know myself. I know how to make him smile or laugh ina certain way. And he knows me. Hes the only guy I let touch me.. even holding hands still gives me goose bumps. Its just... hes trying to protect me. Hes a very cautious person because of his diability.. and I know your not an expert. I don't want to give up on this marriage because I never thought I could be this happy again and if I lost this I would probably just try killing myself again. I guess that's just the easy way out. And I don't wish to seek proffessional help... I've been betrayed and had really bad problems with therapists and I don't trust really anyone to talk about things like this.. which is why I've been kieeping it inside for so long. Its just... with everythign I've been through.. nothing has been so important to me. And I just... feel so low. He won't even talk to me about it and I feel like ehs just trying to make the problem go away. And I really appreciate you talking to me about all of this. I just have so many pent up emotions.

[donf]

Nanajua, I have been where your husband is three times. After the first miscarriage, I was useless to my wife. I had no understanding of her pain. Nor did understand her feelings of guilt over not being able to carry the baby to term. She drove me batty with her mood swings and getting furious with me because I didn't understand.

On the third miscarriage, the doctor made sure I held my son's body in my hands, then I understood!

The little guy was perfect but he was dead. Prior to that, I had separated myself from the pain, now it was in my hands right under my eyes. It was no longer a separate and apart from me, it was as real as could be.

For the other two miscarriages, I stood apart from Bonnie and looked on as an outsider while she carried our sons. She made plans for them named them, loved them and then she miscarried. I now understood that what she need from me was an understanding of her loss. And just because she wanted to be held and comforted did not mean she wanted to hop into bed.

Guys have no understanding of what you ladies go through when you are pregnant. Literally, we are shoved to the side and left to our own devices. But we can learn and we can help, but we need to be told how. Your husband is probably feeling the pain, but he does not know how to express that feeling to you, so he pulls back because he does not want to set you off or make you worse. Help him!

[Nanajua]

Thank you. I want to say thank you all for answering my replies. Its given me a chance to release my feelings as I had no one I felt I could talk to. I wrote my husband a letter explaining everything. It turned out to be 5 pages long. After he read the letter he was quite for a while and then came up to me and well he has a socail disorder so I know its not very... well good but its going to be coming along the way we talked... we in fact had to talk through msn because he just can't talk yet with imporaant things.. hes come along... quite a ways.. anyway.. we talked for a long time.. and well we've decided to take these next 2 months and 19 days.. to work on treatment.. . since I can't start trying to conceive even if I wanted to because eof the tests and treatment I'm going through since the alst miscarriage... which I can be fully ready to do.. given the go ahead around the middle of November... which is the date she says its all right. We decided to make it special and he will have the time to be with me.. for a while we can just relax and not think about it. And he has promised me that on my birthday which is December 24th we will start trying to conceive again. We won't talk about it until then.. that way it will be specail. I should be ovulating around that time but we aren't giong to track that. We are just going to let it happen when it happens. Until then it will give us some time together... Now that I know it we weren't erady to move on I can take this time to realax.. and just have some time to move on. And when December rolls around it will be specail.. so thank you all for letting me get out my frustrastions.. its hellped a lot.. it has made me see that he was hurting.. thank you to the last post. That insight could have not been easy to give... I'm glad you two got through it and you understand now as well. It just takes time. I knew in my ehart I wouldn't elave him... I was just upset. Hormones. Lol. We will be all right now. And thank you all.