[alkalineangel]

My husband and I are currently expecting our second child. I am due on January 5, but am expecting an early birth at the end of December if my doctor is correct in her assumtions. Last year, my Father in law voiced an urge to come and stay with us over Christmas holiday so he could watch my son open presents on Christmas day. I was never fond of this as this has always been a private holiday tradition for us, just our small family. We typically will get together for dinner with my husbands family on Christmas Day or the Day after. Now that I am due around that time, I am even more against this as I will be close to birth at that time, and will want my privacy. My MIL and mother have both voiced the idea of them coming to help me, but I have already asked my mother to give me space for a week or so after birth, and will request the same of my MIL. My concern now is that my BIL has moved in with us and is living in my basement for the time being until he is able to find a suitable apartment or rental property, which is fine. He moved here about a month and a half ago from a nearby city to accept a job. WE charge him no rent and ask nothing of him, he is family, and we are helping him out. I am becoming more and more concerned though, because more and more furniture is being moved in piece by piece, and I had not intended for him to stay long term, esp not through the birth of my second child. I am a very private person, and this is a time when I will not be eager to have someone wandering around my home... not to mention we only have one bathroom. I want to talk to my husband about this, but I am worried that he will just assume it is my hormones and I don't really mean it... but I do, I am absolutely serious about it. I need some advice as to how I can bring my concerns up to my husband. I have no issues with his family, and I adore his brother, but I know I will want and need my own personal space when this time comes. Are there any suggestions how I can politely request this privacy? I have tried to help my BIL find apartments and what not, but he works an odd shift, and sleeps the rest of the day, and rarely goes out looking. My husband keeps saying things like "stay as long as you wish", but I am really not interested in having him around long term... am I wrong here?

[Emland]

I think you will have to be well organized and have an "exit strategy" for the BIL. A family meeting between you, hubby, mother and all inlaws with a written agenda might be a way to show hubby that this is coming from your head, not your hormones. Ask the inlaws for their help in finding adequate accommodations, i.e. help look for him. Helping a family member is one thing, them taking advantage of you for free rent is something else.

Your due date is on X date. Tell your BIL that he will be expected to have alternative space at least 4 weeks prior to you due date. I have found that if people do not have a deadline, there is no urgency for them to finish whatever project needs to be done.

You deserve to have all the privacy you need before and after the delivery. If your family can't accept that, it is they that are being rude. I was the same way. Having to trip over people in your own home and put up with the incovenience of house guests after having had a baby is inconsiderate, IMO. The odd thing is that some folks actually think they are "helping."

Just be calm and assertive and keep the hormones in check. I wish you well, Al.

[alkalineangel]

Thank you, I was worried I would sound like a witch, but I really do want my home back. Now I just need to convince my husband that I'm not against him... there is still plenty of time left, and I want to give him a good opportunity to start looking...

[Emland]

His first obligation is to you, not his brother. Remind him whom he would rather sleep with.

[GlindaofOz]

I have to spread the rep Emland but I totally agree with you.

You must set a deadline and enforce it. Your husband will have to be onboard with it if he is not then you will just be bashing your head into a wall over this whole thing.

Once the information is told to your BIL then it is on him. If he doesn't find a place oh well you gave him plenty of warning and he had plenty of time to figure something out. Not your problem. Your focus should be on preparing for your new precious little baby not dealing with smothering family members.

[alkalineangel]

Thank you both. I agree my husband needs to be on board, I'm just worried he won't see it from my perspective, but I will sit and discuss my concerns with him, and hopefully he will understand. I really hate having to ask my BIL to leave, but my immediate family is first, and I need to be sure I am not worried about anything else. Im really torn on this - its hard for me... I don't want to seem like an indian giver, we have always helped each other out in our family.

[Marily]

If I were you I would talk to my husband first and see what he has to say then I would tell my in laws how I feel out of love and respect :)

[alkalineangel]

Oh of course, I would never go behind my hubby's back... I respect him and I respect them. I actually asked him about this a couple days ago, and it totally blew up... given both our tempers, it was not pretty for a while... but we have since forgiven, as usual, but the issue is still unresolved, and Im giving him his time to mull it over.. IM hoping for a good comprimse once he's ready to talk again.