[JaiJai76]

THE HISTORY: My "friend," that's a boy, and I have been dating on and off for over two years. In fact we were FWB's (friends with benefits) with a very healthly sex life. We decided to take a break and explore other options... after a long break from each other... we decided to try again, but no more FWB's... HE discussed the future and us being together... I loved to listen to him... our sex life was pretty good, but... after agreeing that we should be "girlfriend/boyfriend" sex just stopped!! (About the last 2 months) He says he's not in mood... he's make's me feel like he doesn't want me, plain and simple... I feel regected! I love this man,he says he loves me... in fact in frequently brings up living together and marriage, however I can't grasp a vision on the future because I feel that feeling that your partner wants you is a very important part of a healthy relationship... for those that say sex doesn't equal love... your right... but love should incorpate attraction, desire, and a little lust along with the rest of the lovey dovey stuff... I should also add the I have two children from a previous relationship... which he loves, but he seems to be more sexually stand offish when they are around! (Of course not in front of them but they do sleep sometime!)
THE QUESTION: Am I being to demanding or is there a real problem with my man's sex drive... and is there something I can do about?

[J_9]

How old are you?

[JaiJai76]

We are both 30.

[J_9]

Okay, I was just checking because you refer to your friend as a BOY, and we get many young people on here in the adult section asking adult type questions.

[JaiJai76]

OHHHHHHHHHHHH... Well I never hear someone referring to them as manfriends or womenfriends... but I understand airing on the side of caution...

[J_9]

Thanks I appreciate your cooperation. When someone who has the answer comes online, I am sure you will get the answer you are looking for.

It was just your first sentence that threw me off.

[talaniman]

Sex, like any other area of a relationship, relies on open honest communication as a basis to be comfortable and grow together. Being you went so long with just sex, you must now get to know each other as people and reach the level of talking and listening to each other so you both can benefit. The day in ,and day out drudgery of life, with kids no less, can wear on any couple, but you must mutually make time for yourselves, as that spark can get buried with out either of you realising it. So to answer your question, No I don't think there is anything wrong with his sex drive, it has just been suppressed, because the home life is not allowing him to express his desires. What can you do? Babysitters on his off day, where you have time also. Go back to the things that brought you together when you had only benefits. Show him he is number one. Hope this helps.

[kp2171]

Only you can decide if its good enough to be loved like a roommate and not a mate.

For some, it's a price theyd pay. Personally, I don't think its healthy, especially with you being only 30. Sex is important enough for you to come here and write about it. It is something we sometimes try to belittle as petty when its not good.

Well... you need to have a heart to heart with him and with yourself.

If you choose to stay with a man who shows little interest in you sexually you have no room to complain. You chose this path. You can't pretend that it'll get better in time.

I'm married 7 years now with a little one in the home. We get busy, distracted, interferred with. Our sex life isn't what it used to be. That's life. But we still want it and we still talk about it and I think we still want the same things, even if its harder to get done.

If you want something different than he does, you need to think twice. Or you need to change your standards of what is acceptable.

Personally, he sounds lazy and too comfortable to me.

[JaiJai76]

Thank you Talaniman I never saw it like that... we are getting to know each other in different ways now they we were then.

I have tried to talk about it with him. These are the answers to my question (paraphrase ofcourse):
Why don't you like to kiss and hug me with the kids/others around? He says he doesn't like to do that in front of people. (I don't want to be groped in front of others, but a simple kiss and hug should be fine.)
Did your parents ever show affection towards each other in front of you?His response was ILLL... no never!
With in context of a conversation I asked: So why don't you want to have sex with me?He said and I quote... I don't know what it is, it could because I'm tired, it could be something I eat, but when I'm not horney I can't make myself have sex. (I think that this answer was shocking... because I have offer all kinds of things to help him get "in the mood" but he honestly thinks if at first thought he doesn't want it then nothing will change that!)
Oh yeah, he also says that he's getting older and doesn't want it as much as me because he's already hit his peak and I am just hitting mine. (I say he should take one for the team, but I guess some people are just better team players then others!)

So conversation with this man on this is difficult because I think to him sex is something you don't talk about.
Any thoughts??

[talaniman]

He doesn't know any better, but as you work on other areas, gently come back to this subject as it was fine when you where just friends, with no pressure.

(I say he should take one for the team, but I guess some people are just better team players then others!)

LOL I love that analogy and do agree. But it will take time and patients to get him to see this. It seems he has a lot to learn in this area, and you must slowly teach him. Do you watch TV in the bedroom? (Cuddling is arousing under a blanket with a little lotion). The best skills that couples learn is non verbal. You do know his "spots", and when your alone, can use them to get him ready for when the kids aren't around, or are sleep for the night. Foreplay can last for days. Your key is to separate him from distractions. Sometimes my wife tells me to lay there and shut up, but we have been together a long time, and know each other very well. Trying my best to keep this clean.

[JaiJai76]

It seems like I got a rebuttal for each comment... but he won't even let me touch his "areas" when he's not in the mood!! And he does like to cuddle... but no touching... well he will sometimes touch me but no follow through...

You definitely understand where I'm coming from and are very knowledgeable in this area... so I will use this information and try new and different ways to discuss sex with him. I also totally agree with that he has a lot to learn, maybe not in the actually "having sex" (when we do have it it is amazing... why do you think I want it more often) part but surely in the intimacy part. The more I discuss my problem in this forum, I think he has an intimacy problem more than an interest problem. Recently (like today) he has suggested couple counseling to see if we are able to work through some of these issues. I agreed to go because I think that it will be worth having an impartial person to talk with. I also feel that him making the suggestion tells me that he wants to make this work.
And remember... this is a relatively new problem (a couple of months) after we became official!!
I will work on our relationship... but could it be that friends, that turn into FWB's, that then try to get serious can't work?? Will I always want what we use to have when we were just having sex? Can you add feelings of love, kids, jobs, bills, family obligations and does the seriousness of it all then make it too much for us to handle when our memories are carefree invade what we're trying to start?

[talaniman]

I have been married 33 years and we always are confronted with obstacles and problems. If two people are willing to work together to solve their problems and overcome their obstacles... THEY WILL!! Your man sounds willing to me. The answer to your last question is, you can make this work, if you work hard.

[kp2171]

Well, mentally there is a lot of excitement in the chase. When things are new.

Do I still find my partner attractive? Yes. Do I get aroused if she undresses as much as I did when we were first dating? Sometimes not. Sometimes yes. I don't mean to sound cruel and play a "been there done that" card, but the mystery of what that person looks like, tastes like, etc is a big drive at first. Its normal, but not an excuse for neglecting a partners needs.

On the other side, my partner used to stay up at all hours when we were dating to be together and have some intimate time. Well, sexually she's naturally a morning person. I'm a late night person. So that means, mostly, now I'm a I-guess-i-can-deal-with-morning-breath-and-sleepy-eyes person. Sort of. Not saying she doesn't try now and then to satiate me late at night. She knows if I'm bothering her that late its probably something I need, since I try to not pester her when she's tired. But the pattern of sexual activity we had when dating changed over time, even before we had the little one.

And maybe the FWB thing also played a part. The thrill of getting some action without ties might have helped him find a little extra drive.

As far as his being past his prime. Well sure, it can happen. Steel piercing erections are WASTED on teens. I remember getting rock hard just riding the bus to school from all the bumping around. Man. Wish I could have some of those back now. LOL.

Well fine... he might be conscious about a drop in performance. It can happen. And mental issues make it even harder for the physical to work. Nothing like a viscious circle.

All you can do is all you can do. Whatever that is. Talking is a first step. Try to get him to open up. Try to get him to get engaged. But you know in the end that you cannot do all the work here. Even if he "cooperates" and is more attentive, you know you want to be chased a bit. Its no fun being the sexual traffic cop all the time, and you know, I think, that you want not just to have that intimate touch, but you want him to have that desire and need naturally.

Its normal and its something worth thinking about. There's no shame in stepping back. There's nothing wrong with staying. Maybe it's a blip. Maybe it's the way things will be. Getting him to talk is the first step... not that getting a guy to talk about sex without his feeling defensive is necessarily easy. I know there were times early when I took my partners questions defensively... as if her wanting to talk meant there were things that were wrong and to be ashamed of or upset with...

Anyway, know you're doing the right thing. Thinking and talking about this will only help you understand what you need better. Too many of us are willing to sweep our sexual problems under the bed, hoping it'll all just work itself out.

[JaiJai76]

I tried to rate the answer but it said I needed to spread some reputation before I could do that... what does that mean?

I seem to be hearing a trend of TALK ABOUT it... I agree... I agree that this guy is totally worth trying to work on it... but now that we have agreed on talking through this is best... how do I start these conversations with out totally turning him off?

(Thanks kp2171 your quite insightful and your right I do want to be chased every once in a while!)

[kp2171]

Also meant ot ask about his fitness? Is he healthy? Does he work out at all? High blood pressure? etc. point being if he's lazy about his health that can be what's spilling over to the bedroom. Both the lack of mental drive and also the physiological effects of being unhealthy.

How to talk to him about it? Well... all you can do is try to open the discussion kindly. You can let him know your sexual happiness is important without it being an accusation. Id just try to talk about the thing you like. The things you want. I don't know if your life allows this, but a great way to recharge in the bedroom is to take a night out at at hotel.

My wife and I do this at least 4 times a year. Is it stupid to spend a bunch of money on a hotel room that's just down the road? no. we have a child at home and its nice to get away... in the "old days" we wouldve tracked out of town and taken a room someplace else... but it's a nice way to start to reconnect without all the distractions that are around us. Nice night out followed by a nice room is one way we try to force ourselves to "see" each other.

Now we can't do that all the time, we still have to work on being present for each other at home... but it's a thought. Maybe a weekend trup, if possible, could set the tone. I know sometimes life gets in the way and maybe that's not something you can do right now...

[Mario3]

Did a goldfish recently die your family? Yes the one that's in his pants has. He needs to get those fish checked by the doctor because I've never heard of a guy not wanting sex unless he has a problem. If you guys had sex before and now its stopped maybe he developed some sickness

[E3317]

The bad thing about life is the fact that we grow tired when things become a constatnt. Whenyou were in the friends with benefits status things were fresh and hot. Now it is old and cold.