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manga · May 21, 2007, 11:35 AM

Painful as it sounds. I have an issue with this one and still can't figure out why I do it over and over again to the person I WAS dating. He's obviously fed up with it and tells me he will never come back. I don't blame him.
I was in a 2 year relationship and I would frequently break up with him every time we get in an argument. AS IF I didn't care at the time and then after my hurt is lowered I regret all I have said to him. BUT then it leaves him hurt and distant to be close with me. NOW I've accepted the fact that he will never come back, I don't want to have to keep breaking up with someone I'm with because I can't handle arguing with them when they're pissed.

Has anyone ever been in this situation or been the person doing it. Have you figured out why you do it?

emopunk7 · May 21, 2007, 11:36 AM

Please give more info.

manga · May 21, 2007, 12:13 PM

We still talk and he still keeps up with me. I act like everything is OK and I'm handling things well but inside I am not, and it kills me that we can't be together. I'm confused and probably confused before just knowing I am now.

diya · May 21, 2007, 03:36 PM

I think all you need is patience in relationships. Every relation be it b/f-g/f, parents-children, husband wife... need nurturing and breaking over n over suggest immaturity. Each of one us has some faults and if you always see the negative of a person, will never be able to see the positives... so I suggest, overlook certain minor issues and start behaving like a mature woman to earn every inch of respect you deserve from your b/f... if you don't then may as well not try relationships for a few years...

manga · May 21, 2007, 03:40 PM

Originally Posted by diya

I think all you need is patience in relationships. Every relation be it b/f-g/f, parents-children, husband wife...need nurturing and breaking over n over suggest immaturity. Each of one us has some faults and if you always see the negative of a person, will never be able to see the positives...so i suggest, overlook certain minor issues and start behaving like a mature woman to earn every inch of respect you deserve from your b/f....if you don't then may as well not try relationships for a few years....

Thank you for your advice

SAB123 · May 22, 2007, 10:29 AM

My now ex fiancé kept on breaking up with me, at least 5-6 times. She would break up with me when things didn't go her way or when she was pissed off at me. She would let me sit their and hurt for months at a time, until she decided to come back. It's been over 4 months since she broke up with me again. And again she driving buy my house all the time she even waved to me once. What does she want, probably to get back together again. Every time she drives buy she no's I'll think of her, is it working, yes. I can't move forward when she does this. As far as you breaking up over and over and getting back with the same guy. DON'T do this. It hurts every damn time she breaks up with me and doesn't let me go and comes back. Personally,If this is the case you need help?

SameOldSituation · May 22, 2007, 11:32 AM

Manga,

I used to do this type of thing with my high school girlfriend. I can't tell you how much it upset her. Can you imagine--thinking things are fine and then BAM an argument and, "hey adios!"?

I did it for two reasons--

1. I was very immature relationship-wise but could not see that, because I was always labeled a mature person for my age (and I was mature in other ways).

2. It gave me a nice sense of "oh she really does like me" when she would try to come back to me. That's sick. MAN I regret that. Argh!

Arguments happen. Things will happen that greatly upset you. Sometimes those things should upset you that much, but sometimes they shouldn't. You really got to learn how to be patient, as diya said. That way, you can think about it more, or perhaps ask a parent for some advice or something. But mostly, not every fight warrants breaking up. A break up should be reserved for the final end. It's a serious thing. And it should be taken that way.

Something so serious requires a bit of thought and time, you know? It's not, or... should not be... a hot-headed temporary relief.

I am ashamed of how I acted years ago. I wouldn't want you to do the same. I'm really happy for you that you realize the problem and have come looking for advice.

Just remember... patience. If someone angers you, yeah OK fine, whatever. But do whatever it takes not to make a major decision with that anger fresh at mind. Maybe speak your mind, maybe vent a little steam, but don't make some huge decision. Later, work on looking at yourself to see if the anger you can easily get is valid or not. As I've found out, I can become angry too easily, and over the years I have really worked on that. It's made me a MUCH happier person! Who wants to sit around angry all the time?

ninahhhdreams · May 22, 2007, 11:51 AM

My boyfriend and I sort of do the same thing. He claims I "blow up". To me, I'm frustrated trying to get my point across. Not that I'm mad doing it, just I don't see the reason for the "2 steps forward, 1 step back". I deserve better and he knows it...

Well after an argument, he would place the relationship back on "friend"status as if... which works nothing out really, and we talk so impersonally! I hate that!! How do you go from loving someone completely, then you're friends like how's the weather. I told him all or nothing, but he still likes to call me and rarely comes to see me. What kind of bizarre crap is this?? he claims to have a temper, but we speak very respectfully towards each other... he knows problems happen.

If anyone could shed some light on this, be my guest. Thanks

It sounds like the same situation as yours originally

manga · May 22, 2007, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by SAB123

My now ex fiance kept on breaking up with me, at least 5-6 times. She would break up with me when things didn't go her way or when she was pissed off at me. She would let me sit their and hurt for months at a time, until she decided to come back. It's been over 4 months since she broke up with me again. And again she driving buy my house all the time she even waved to me once. What does she want, probally to get back together again. Every time she drives buy she no's I'll think of her, is it working, yes. I can't move forward when she does this. As far as you breaking up over and over and getting back with the same guy. DON'T do this. It hurts every damn time she breaks up with me and doesn't let me go and comes back. Personally,If this is the case you need help?

Yes it's almost the same except I don't drive by intentionally and flaunt my appearance to him. We do however talk still now and he's trying to prove a point to me that I can't keep doing it. I am embaressed of my behavior so I don't try to make up with him because I feel stupid. So he tries to but this time he's making it a point. I'm glad he did. I really have to grow out of it. I'm thinking being more patient, because I get wrapped up emotionally.

tawnynkids · May 22, 2007, 01:02 PM

Threatening or actually breaking up with someone and regretting it after is a manipulation. You are trying to manipulate a feeling or response. You think it will get you what you want and then regret that it didn't. You are trying to control someone else. You should really read a book called "The Anger Trap" by Les Carter. It will open your eyes and help you change that behavior and deal with anger in a much healthier way.

manga · May 22, 2007, 01:04 PM

Originally Posted by SameOldSituation

Manga,

I used to do this type of thing with my high school girlfriend. I can't tell you how much it upset her. Can you imagine--thinking things are fine and then BAM an argument and, "hey adios!"?

I did it for two reasons--

1. I was very immature relationship-wise but could not see that, because I was always labeled a mature person for my age (and I was mature in other ways).

2. It gave me a nice sense of "oh she really does like me" when she would try to come back to me. That's sick. MAN I regret that. Argh!!

Arguments happen. Things will happen that greatly upset you. Sometimes those things should upset you that much, but sometimes they shouldn't. You really gotta learn how to be patient, as diya said. That way, you can think about it more, or perhaps ask a parent for some advice or something. But mostly, not every fight warrants breaking up. A break up should be reserved for the final end. It's a serious thing. And it should be taken that way.

Something so serious requires a bit of thought and time, ya know? It's not, or...should not be...a hot-headed temporary relief.

I am ashamed of how I acted years ago. I wouldn't want you to do the same. I'm really happy for you that you realize the problem and have come looking for advice.

Just remember...patience. If someone angers you, yeah ok fine, whatever. But do whatever it takes not to make a major decision with that anger fresh at mind. Maybe speak your mind, maybe vent a little steam, but don't make some huge decision. Later, work on looking at yourself to see if the anger you can easily get is valid or not. As I've found out, I can become angry too easily, and over the years I have really worked on that. It's made me a MUCH happier person! Who wants to sit around angry all the time?!

Very similar to how you describe also, the thing is I don't have relatives or parents that give me valid advice or one that is constructive. They think it's "him" but I tell also my behavior. There is definitely a communication barrier, probably while growing up I brought into my adult relationships now. It only took time for me to realize. I am too, mature in other ways but relationships I have not yet succeeded the concept of communicating lovingly. I'm working on it though. Thank you. Your comments helps

manga · May 22, 2007, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by ninahhhdreams

my bf and i sorta do the same thing. he claims i "blow up". to me, im frustrated trying to get my point across. not that im mad doing it, just i don;t see the reason for the "2 steps forward, 1 step back". i deserve better and he knows it.....

well after an arguement, he would place the relationship back on "friend"status as if....which works nothing out really, and we talk so impersonally! i hate that!!!! how do you go from loving someone completely, then you're friends like how's the weather. i told him all or nothing, but he still likes to call me and rarely comes to see me. what kind of bizarre crap is this?????he claims to have a temper, but we speak very respectfully towards each other.... he knows problems happen.

if anyone could shed some light on this, be my guest. thanks

it sounds like the same situation as yours originally

I think from my experience after every argument one if not then both of us get distant and it leaves the last argument hindering over our heads. Then moving on like it never happened. This break from between us now and not seeing each other is helping with the hurt. However, when he texts me I don't argue back my point and just say yes. I realize it's hard to make him see my point when he's upset but I'm going to try after he's made his point and I've made him feel comfortable that I accept his answer then I can shed some light on how I feel. I can't win but if it works to be patient and where I can talk to him respectfully then I would be heard. We'll see

manga · May 22, 2007, 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by tawnynkids

Threatening or actually breaking up with someone and regretting it after is a manipulation. You are trying to manipulate a feeling or response. You think it will get you what you want and then regret that it didn't. You are trying to control someone else. You should really read a book called "The Anger Trap" by Les Carter. It will open your eyes and help you change that behavior and deal with anger in a much healthier way.

I wish I knew what maniplating was and my control issues were before. There's no doubt that I am controlling. Thank you for your recommendation I will check it out!

tawnynkids · May 22, 2007, 01:17 PM

I've never found a more clear and brilliant explanation than the one this book gives for why people "get angry" and what they do because of it. Anger is nothing more than healthy emotions dealt with in an unhealthy manner. Behind anger is always fear. Fear of something, being abandoned, unloved, hurt, financial insecurity... anything. When those fears aren't realized and dealt with on a personal level we tend to try to control it by controlling what others do.

You chose to go out with your buddies tonight instead of me, I am afraid you don't really love me, so, I will see just how much you do love me, I will yell at you tell you what a jerk you are and tell you to get out that's it we are done and you will quickly realize your mistake and do something about it and I will know that I am loved. Wrong - fear dealt with manipulation instead of with honesty manifested in ager in an effort to control someone else and voilà! You lose. This book really makes you see everything differently.

talaniman · May 22, 2007, 01:33 PM

I don't have relatives or parents that give me valid advice or one that is constructive.

Hard to know what's healthy or not without the proper positive role models. You have nothing to learn from. The recommended books are a good idea. You may have to put the relationship on the back burner, and work on your own issues.

disambiguity · May 22, 2007, 01:35 PM

Hi Manga,
A very close friend of mine does the same as you do. I wanted to know if it was something in me who triggers him to react the same way as you do and always run a way from confrontations regarding his coldness and a real detachment from Joy in love or nice things in life. Doing that I discover something's about me, but I also find out I was not the problem, he has big isues or troubles when it comes to getting close, and really intimate whit someone he loves or like. He see emotions or getting emotional as something wrong or not to be done. This example I am telling you here about, is just to suggest (I don't know who you are, what you do or want in life and from life) that maybe you shut look well and deep and careful about what is this that makes you do this more and more times and why do you have difficulties whit it, I don't think in this blog you could find a real answer. The process you need to go trough to find out Why, and how to solve this lack of performance in social or intimate realtion ships is a real discovering journey offyourself.
It will take, time, it will take you to feell guilt, shame, sad but it will also liberate you because you will become a ware off what you are doing, why, when to whom, and will know is going to happen and you will slowly but certainly stop doing it. Maybe you shut go to a terapist or counselour, and talk whit honesty about it. I think you are already on the good way, it is not an easy thing to acept our own big mistakes. If you like to talk, I am here. Reagrds! (It is an important question yours and demands deep and an important answer)

manga · May 22, 2007, 01:39 PM

Very true. Have been working on my issues these past 1 1/2 years. Very well aware of them and now only to take time for me to digest all I have read in the past and put the tools in use for myself with or without the relationship. Exactly what you said about I don't know what's healthy or not is on the dot! I do have books on healthy relationships and how to be in one what is a healthy relationship etc..

Do you recommend any?

SO glad to have found this sight! you all have been very helpful! thank you!

tawnynkids · May 22, 2007, 01:45 PM

I can recommend a few great books that help in developing a healthy outlook in general:
"The Choosing to Forgive Workbook" By Frank Minirth and Les Carter.
"Love is A Decision" By Gary Smalley and John Trent
"Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself" by Florence Littauer
Those are all great starting places.
(and all available on Amazon.com for cheap)

emopunk7 · May 22, 2007, 01:45 PM

<---Feels like an idiot taking the credit when I have not given any input... lol Anytime... lol

disambiguity · May 22, 2007, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by manga

painful as it sounds. I have an issue with this one and still can't figure out why I do it over and over again to the person I WAS dating. He's obviously fed up with it and tells me he will never come back. I don't blame him.
I was in a 2 year relationship and I would frequently break up with him everytime we get in an argument. AS IF I didn;t care at the time and then after my hurt is lowered I regret all I have said to him. BUT then it leaves him hurt and distant to be close with me. NOW I've accepted the fact that he will never come back, I don't want to have to keep breaking up with someone I'm with because I can't handle arguing with them when they're pissed.

Has anyone ever been in this situation or been the person doing it. Have you figured out why you do it?

Hi, I losted my answer to you before, triying to correct my english! Sorry.
All I wanted to say was this:
People who has normally isues whit emotions or comitment (getting really intimate whit someone) or are very controlling (expecting from others or life things"") often have some personality disorder, this I am saying by expirience, my partner has this difficulties in dealing whit emotions, whit anger, whit love also. It could be good for you to do some deep home work in analizing together whit a terapist yourself, your life, your past, how you deal whit emotions and so on. You are in the good way, the pad to self knowledgement and for sure to correct yourself ! (personality disorders are more popular than you think) maybe you in a way find getting emotional or fustrated too much, learn to deal whit it, if you like I sugest you some really great books. Hope to hear from you