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sphyncx · Jul 13, 2005, 11:03 AM

I'll just start with some background of myself and her and get into what is happening, that way you have the full story.

This girl that I have been dating for 2 1/2 months is 18. She only had 1 other boyfriend other then myself and he ended up using her to go out with her friend. She also takes things slow.

I'm 19 and have been in 2 other relationships and 1 that almost happened but I got played pretty hard. My last girlfriend ended up cheating on me.

Now here is what is happening. When we first went out, we used to talk all the time and say that we miss each other and everything... really couldn't of been any better. Now it's like... when we do things... things are awsome, but on the phone or internet she seems distracted or not even interested in me anymore. Doesn't give me the "i miss you" deal or any type of affection and I usually have to start any conversation. I don't know if this is because she lost interest in me, or possibly just playing games, I don't have a clue. This is a pretty conservative girl so doing things with another guy and all that stuff is pretty much out of the question. I don't know what's going on and maybe I'm just taking it wrong.

turtlegirl · Jul 13, 2005, 12:05 PM

There are a lot of possibilities here...
1) She really is just taking things slow
2) She's cautious because now that she's let you in she's afraid of getting hurt again
3) She's better at conversation in person
4) She's playing games
OR...
5) She is less interested in you now that she has you. Are you coming off all needy and available? Try the less is more approach for a week or two. Wait for her to call. See how that goes for a bit.
Good luck!

sphyncx · Jul 13, 2005, 12:53 PM

Yeah I was acting a little needy the past week or so. I actually thought that might be a possibility so I was just going to keep things up to her... she can call me... she can ask me to do things together... etc.

Wildcat21 · Jul 13, 2005, 12:59 PM

Ok Pal - tough love here...

You can't be saying stuff like that to a gal - "I miss you" all the time. Yuck - woman don't want nice. You sound like her girlfirend. You sound like you're in Jr. High. I REALLY don't think she misses you - HOW COULD she, you're smothering her. You are annoying her to death. Fewer compliments.

You can't call her every day, 10 times a day, QUIT IM and texting - woman initially like it - BUT always get annoyed by it. Use the phone - couple times a week. HAVE HER CALL YOU! This gal is an adult - treat her for the most part like your friends - BUST HER CHOPS, TEASE HER ALL THE TIME.

This Gal isn't your life - only a small part of it. Don't put on a pedestal. You sound too needy-clingy - BACK OFF HER and maybe she will like more - LESS IS MORE!

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don’t let on how excited you’ve become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

It's time grow up... learn about ADULT relationships, HOW WOMAN work, become a man.

Go to these sites and red EVERY article on dating - every article:

www.askmen.com

www.sosuave.com

See - you're being too nice - adult woman don't want a 'nice guy' - at this gals age she is actually about to hit her Bad Boy stage. Learn about bad boys/jerks - don't become one - but learn what they do to create attraction.

Wildcat21 · Jul 13, 2005, 01:02 PM

When you start dating a woman that you really LIKE, your fear of abandonment and your need for approval kick in. What you want more than anything is for her to like you, to like you as much as you like her. What you fear the most is that you may disappoint or upset her somehow so that she won't want to be with you. So you cater to her whims and you don't set healthy boundaries. To you Psych majors, he always lets her get her way.
The irony is that all these things that you do to get her to like you and to try to insure that she won't leave you are actually the very things that make her withdraw from you. Unfortunately, either out of denial or ignorance, you keep repeating the same behavior with each new woman that you like.
So what's the way out of this trap? Awareness and insight are the first steps, which are what I'm providing you with now.

Next, you must have a fierce determination to do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable, to clean up your act.

Remember: when you like her a lot, act like you don't.

Put yourself first. Women like pricks a lot better than nice guys.

sphyncx · Jul 13, 2005, 01:02 PM

Thanks much. But what do you suggest I do now since I already did things that I shouldn't have? Just sit back for now and just chill out?

Wildcat21 · Jul 13, 2005, 02:01 PM

Yes - - give her space... don't call for a while.

If you're still dating - call her Monday and see how her weekend was - IF you don't here from her.

No pressure on this gal - zero - keep everything FUN! Bust on her - tease her.

Wildcat21 · Jul 13, 2005, 02:02 PM

AND learn about woman! They do not think like us - this isn't logic. We think we we should do all this nice things for them, and be all nice and agreeable...

They just want to hang out and be your friend. They want FUN! Not some love sick puppy who can't get enough of her.

turtlegirl · Jul 13, 2005, 02:03 PM

Yes, exactly. Sit back and chill out. Wildcat gives great advice, although he's coming on a little strong here. Don't act like a jerk; women don't actually like pricks. Just don't be needy. Be a good version of who you are, just don't be so available. Be busy. That way you'll have more to talk about when you do talk to her, she'll be curious about what you're up to, and you'll both have more interesting lives. See?

Wildcat21 · Jul 13, 2005, 02:08 PM

Yes - I do come on strong, but I want him to change now - today. He will be so much happier.

Meaning Prick - learn to take on some jerk like tendencies - NEVER treat a woman rudely, poorly, badly etc. NEVER!

Turtle: I love that: "That way you'll have more to talk about when you do talk to her, she'll be curious about what you're up to, and you'll both have more interesting lives." - that is exactly it. When your first dating - first 6 months - you don't need to know where they are every minute - what they are doing etc.

turtlegirl · Jul 13, 2005, 02:12 PM

It's hard to miss that you emboldened "Women like pricks a lot more than they like nice guys." What are these jerk-like qualities that DON'T include treating a woman rudely, poory, badly? Could we just say don't be a pushover? I don't want men thinking they should work on improving their jerk-qualities is all. There are enough jerks already.

Wildcat21 · Jul 13, 2005, 02:36 PM

It's kind of a saying:

Woman love their independence, the challenge, CONFIDENCE, looks, charm (although it's a complete act), his ability to naturally cocky-funny, they way he knows how to tease woman, touch woman, they KNOW how to bring out a the woman's sexuality ('nice guy' would never do that), being unavailablr a lot.

There are a TON of horrendous traits of the jerk/bad boy that I should not go into. Some pretty sick ones that leaves a woman heart broken and with MAJOR mental problems and ends up I ntherapy.

DON'T be a jerk - but learn some of his tendencies.

sphyncx · Jul 13, 2005, 08:52 PM

I don't know... right now she hardly talks to me... to be honest I think she just doesn't like me anymore and is taking some time away from me to see if that's true or not. Sucks because she's the first girl I cared about and it makes me really quite sad.

Wildcat21 · Jul 13, 2005, 09:28 PM

Well - don't call. Wait - damage might be done. Call in month.

Learn about woman, workout, go out with friends, work, school, hobbies, family etc.

Date.

Learn not to put woman a head of you.

sphyncx · Jul 14, 2005, 12:05 AM

Actually the day I post this... we decide to go on a temp. "break" so she can find out her "feelings" which is probably just an excuse. She also says she still likes me but not as much as before and just needs some time to think this all through. So yeah. =P I don't want to think it but yeah I think we're done, what do you all think.

turtlegirl · Jul 14, 2005, 07:35 AM

If you give her the break, she might come back. If you don't, forget it.

I met someone special really young (17) and there were a few times I needed a break, but he wouldn't really let it happen. I'm telling you if he hadn't called and come around I would've missed him pretty quickly. I never got to be my own person; he even came along when I did a semester abroad! We broke up when I was 22. I wonder what might've happened if we had some more time to be ourselves, because I really did value him.

Maybe you are done, but calling won't help. Give her this time and she will repsect you for respecting her wishes.

Wildcat21 · Jul 14, 2005, 07:42 AM

DO NOT CALL THIS WOMAN. She might come back.

You lowered her interest level completely by all the smothering and attention.

Going forward - no more Text meassages, IM, few e-mails. Early on - the first few months - YOU don't contact her every day - never - bad for business. She may contact you every day, which is fine, IF it's not 5 times a day.

Woman WANT to know you have a life. You should be busy doing other things.

See, I believe you showed your insecurities, neediness, jealousy, etc.

See, you have to change now. All that mush, and "I miss you", smothering - woman hate that - they get repulsed by that - they don't want the sesnsitive guy. They need to know they can't hurt you.

DO NOT CALL OR CONTACT - what she told you is womanese for - see you. You have to be cool with it.

Tough love here - but it's not her - it's you - you turned her off. I want you to know this because I do't want this to happen to you again. We're not in 7th grade here any more - these are adult relationships - you don't share your feelings with here like that, you don't talk with her/contact 10 times a day.

fredg · Jul 14, 2005, 09:38 AM

Hi,
Take a break from each other.
Don't call, write, or communicate with her for awhile, like maybe 2 months!
Let her decide what she wants.
In that way, you and she can decide if you are being "played with".
Best of luck,
fredg

sphyncx · Jul 14, 2005, 09:45 AM

Thanks much. Will keep that all in mind and keep you updated later on.

Wildcat21 · Jul 14, 2005, 10:20 AM

What you really want is to know how to get a girl to fall in love with you, so she'll settle down and be your girlfriend, right? All this bit about, "she loves me, she loves me not" stuff, or "does she really like me" is just a weak attempt to bolster our confidence. The best way to get her head over heels for you is to act like you can take it or leave it. You want to show interest in the girl, but not act like you're dependent upon her liking you back. If she senses that you need her to like you, she'll like you less right away... and it only continues to go downhill from there.

The best way to play this thing is simply to proceed on the assumption that she DOES like you, until she actually turns you away in some act of rejection. And when THAT happens, you simply back off for a spell and DON'T show any signs of being fazed by it. Take somebody else out for awhile, and then after a little time has gone by call #1 girl up out of the blue and just act like nothing has ever happened. When she senses that you enjoy her company but are not DEPENDENT upon her attention or reciprocation of feelings, her feelings for you will begin to grow stronger. A girl's feelings can be up and down like the ocean waves. Don't gauge your approach on what whimsical emotion she may be feeling at some particular moment. Be steady.