[ZeroPointZero]

So here is my problem. Whenever I think about past events in my life I become physically ill, I lose all my energy, I do not wish to do anything else in life so I won't have any more past events to think about. I am a very introverted person, I do not open up to anyone I know, correction, I will not open up to anyone I know. I have low self esteem, not about my looks, but about how I act in public, how I think about things and the things I say. I always look back and kick myself over how I talked or acted in public. The more I do them the more I hate myself. I had a therapist, who told me I needed to get out there and do things, socialize and try and find people I can relate to. I can't relate to anyone because I refuse to do anything with my life, I can't socialize because I just think about what has happened in the past, I made an effort once I ended up just feeling worse off than ever. I have to have immediate and recognizable social acceptance to feel any better about myself. Then I worry if it was just sarcasm or the like.

Over the past year and a half or so I have really started focusing on movies and video games. Living my life vicariously through these media. Though I find that they are too restricting and linear I always feel empty at the end, and it is more like I am wasting time that actually doing anything. I certainly don't learn anything from it, I don't accomplish anything in the end. Though there are many video games that allow me the option of going back and doing things over so I can do things perfectly every time. I long to do that in my life, in video games I find if I have to continue with a choice that leads to an outcome I am not happy with, I simply cannot for all my effort continue with the game I have to redo everything to get the outcome I desire. Unfortunately I cannot do that, there is no time machine. Though the result is the same, I cannot move past the major terrible decisions I have made in my past. If I do not have an immediate reward or I do not have a noticeable effect when I put effort into something, I literally will refuse to do it ever again. I get to the point now where the only thing I can really do anymore is my Job and sit around being lazy all day. I like to spend tons of money on projects I never finish, because they have some flaw when I started them. I have so many hobbies that I tried to start that I can't even look at anymore because they make me so frustrated at myself for messing up.

A perfectionist I am, I cannot escape. I cannot take medication or receive mental health treatment because I will lose my job as they keep track of these things. If I lose my job, I will never work up the energy to find another one, at which point I will live on the street or kill myself. Though I am in so much debt (student loans), that my parents will take on the burden if I ever lose my job. The dreams I had for my life will be ruined with medication and or steady therapy. Which would destroy the point of getting help in the first place.

That is why I came here, the only place I can turn to. You probably can't help me, but I am tired of feeling so worn out all the time when I get ready to turn my life around. I don't want to be stuck in the hole anymore, but I don't know how to climb the ladder out. Hopefully, you can understand what I am saying here and do anything for me.

[JudyKayTee]

You sound seriously depressed. I am concerned that your employment "tracks" things "like this." Where are you, what Country/State?

You need to speak to a Therapist.

I don't know if you are paranoid or if your employer truly cares. If you are as depressed as you indicate I would think your employment is suffering and your employer would want you to get treatment.

[JudyKayTee]

Posted same thing twice - ?

[samcreed]

You sound seriously depressed. I am concerned that your employment "tracks" things "like this." Where are you, what Country/State?

You need to speak to a Therapist.

I don't know if you are paranoid or if your employer truly cares. If you are as depressed as you indicate I would think your employment is suffering and your employer would want you to get treatment.

"I had a therapist, who told me I needed to get out there and do things, socialize and try and find people I can relate to. "
He already has spoken with a therapist. It is part of his question.

[JudyKayTee]

I know - I can read.

He needs to find another therapist.

And just what is your suggestion? This is a Q and A board, so I'm assuming you have an answer for him.

[samcreed]

I am sorry to read all this, and you do sound serious. I am not a professional in this area, but have had some problems in my life so far.
Please try to live life just one day at a time, one step at a time if possible. I know it's hard to break out of being so negative so much all the time, I have been there, done that. But, please keep trying to see things in a more positive light. I do wish you the best.

[Wondergirl]

What kind of work do you do that they track your mental health activities?

I'm a perfectionist, have worked in a variety of businesses in which many employees received counseling and were taking meds for their physical and mental problems. Businesses WANT their employees to be mentally healthy and get the help they need.

I'm here for you and am a counselor in real life. There are some really good people on this site who are willing to help you find your way out of that hole you're in.

[ZeroPointZero]

I work in a high security job as a guard. However, it amounts to little more than standing and sitting all day doing nothing, don't get me wrong I do my job, I do it well, it just doesn't require too much thinking. Don't worry currently I am not a threat to myself or others, and I would quit the second I thought I might even be a little, I can't stand the thought of hurting other people.

That is what is my problem, I live in the United States, and mental health issues cause a loss of trust by just about everyone. Especially with recent events, there is little anyone can do to get help and maintain the trust of the public. I was hoping to eventually pursue a career in Law Enforcement, though like I said before, I have no motivation. Whenever I work up the motivation to improve myself, I instantly lose all energy and desire to follow through with it. Then I think about the past and realize all the great opportunities, once in a life time opportunities that I have wasted, thrown away. I just want to change it, I want to fix it, but I just can't, no one can. All the friendships I have destroyed do to my selfishness and introversion, I can never fix those. What do I do.

I try to think that I can use the mistakes in my past to learn how to do things better in the future, but it just seems that the only thing I learned is not to do anything in the future. I grow more and more tried of my life every single day, never going anywhere, to afraid to move forward. All the problems in my life I have created myself, I have been handed the best life could offer, the things I always wanted, how do I get past the fact that I put myself in this position.

I was in the Army, for 2 years and to make a long story short, I missed a formation, ended up getting detained (I was not arrested, no charges were filed against me) by the sheriffs office, and put on a 48 hour watch at a some secure clinic (I had a gun with me). After 2 days I had been released, let go from the military and all that good stuff. I was doing a University program to become an officer, I had to pay back all the money they paid for me to go (and rightfully so). That is when I started seeing a therapist. Now this was probably for the best who knows, I tried to join the navy, lets just say between the information I give the navy about removal from the army and the notes from my therapist, that is a door that is no longer open to me. Like I said, could be for the best. Though, I know I lack any discipline in my life, where else am I ever going to learn it.

[Wondergirl]

Your meeting with a counselor or psychiatrist is no one's business but your own and that of the professional who is to hold the relationship in total confidence. Meet with someone for a few sessions about your lack of social life and see where that goes.

[ZeroPointZero]

Your meeting with a counselor or psychiatrist is no one's business but your own and that of the professional who is to hold the relationship in total confidence. Meet with someone for a few sessions about your lack of social life and see where that goes.

Well I am pretty set on my social life, I really don't want anyone to get to know me, it really would only benefit me. The way I have treated people who tried to be my friends in the past, I would just rather not do that to anyone else, and I know I would. I have too many personal issues to commit to any relationship in any way. I don't think that is a good place to start, I know that I just will not do it at any cost.

[dontknownuthin]

It sounds like you need some perspective. First, it's a disappointment - a huge one - that your military path didn't work out. My own son hoped to rely on ROTC to pay for college and found out he can never serve due to taking an ADHD medication in the past. You apparently lost your military role due to an episode of depression. It might be helpful to imagine this - would you be this hard on yourself if you had to drop out of service due to cancer? Or they found out you had an orthopeodic problem? Mental illness is just illness that has the unfortunate impact of affecting behavior. It doesn't mean the person is a bad person or less deserving of respect or opportunities. But some professions like the military put people in harms way, where they might not have the resources to meet your needs, so they cannot take people who have those needs. If you were diabetic, they wouldn't take you, either. You have a medical need that cannot be met in combat, that's all that it is.

So then, your obstacle is that you have to find an occupation which enables you to obtain mental health care. You went to a counselor - a lot of people do and it's not great the first time. It could be a bad counselor, or they could simply not be ready to work on the issue. So, you try again. You keep trying until you're ready and have the right counselor. If you loose your job for getting counseling, you claim unemployment and get another job where it's not an issue. Further, I don't really even know what a security guard company could find out without your consent under HPPA rules.

You also appear to have issues with social anxiety and managing relationships. You know, this isn't at all unusual. It's also not a permanent condition unless you decide to make it one. You can work through the behaviors you do not like - figure out why you do it and find a better way. You can also work through the anxiety. There are a lot of people who need to improve their behavior with others and to live any life at all, you have to figure out how to do it. Being a quiet and reserved person is fine, but hiding isn't. Maybe you have unrealistic expectations of how outgoing you need to be. You elude to having hurt people - we can't know how you hurt people... whether you just couldn't open up to them, raged at them, lied to them - whatever it is, no matter how bad - you can work through it and have friends and good relationships.

Please do not avoid getting help for your anxiety and depression only because it could impact your future (questionably) in a job that you find boring and apparently hate. Your job is meant to support you in a good life, not stand in the way of living a good life. There are other jobs but you just get this one chance at life. Try counseling again. If you don't like it, go somewhere else and try again. And again. As many times as it takes.

But also, before you quit on counselors, recognize that for this to work, they might need to tell you things that are hard for you to hear; make you think about things you aren't comfortable facing, and do things that are a stretch and difficult for you. Do the work, get the rewards.

[ZeroPointZero]

It sounds like you need some perspective. First, it's a disappointment - a huge one - that your military path didn't work out. My own son hoped to rely on ROTC to pay for college and found out he can never serve due to taking an ADHD medication in the past. You apparently lost your military role due to an episode of depression. It might be helpful to imagine this - would you be this hard on yourself if you had to drop out of service due to cancer? Or they found out you had an orthopeodic problem? Mental illness is just illness that has the unfortunate impact of affecting behavior. It doesn't mean the person is a bad person or less deserving of respect or opportunities. But some professions like the military put people in harms way, where they might not have the resources to meet your needs, so they cannot take people who have those needs. If you were diabetic, they wouldn't take you, either. You have a medical need that cannot be met in combat, that's all that it is.

So then, your obstacle is that you have to find an occupation which enables you to obtain mental health care. You went to a counselor - a lot of people do and it's not great the first time. It could be a bad counselor, or they could simply not be ready to work on the issue. So, you try again. You keep trying until you're ready and have the right counselor. If you loose your job for getting counseling, you claim unemployment and get another job where it's not an issue. Further, I don't really even know what a security guard company could find out without your consent under HPPA rules.

You also appear to have issues with social anxiety and managing relationships. You know, this isn't at all unusual. It's also not a permanent condition unless you decide to make it one. You can work through the behaviors you do not like - figure out why you do it and find a better way. You can also work through the anxiety. There are a lot of people who need to improve their behavior with others and to live any life at all, you have to figure out how to do it. Being a quiet and reserved person is fine, but hiding isn't. Maybe you have unrealistic expectations of how outgoing you need to be. You elude to having hurt people - we can't know how you hurt people...whether you just couldn't open up to them, raged at them, lied to them - whatever it is, no matter how bad - you can work through it and have friends and good relationships.

Please do not avoid getting help for your anxiety and depression only because it could impact your future (questionably) in a job that you find boring and apparently hate. Your job is meant to support you in a good life, not stand in the way of living a good life. There are other jobs but you just get this one chance at life. Try counseling again. If you don't like it, go somewhere else and try again. And again. As many times as it takes.

But also, before you quit on counselors, recognize that for this to work, they might need to tell you things that are hard for you to hear; make you think about things you aren't comfortable facing, and do things that are a stretch and difficult for you. Do the work, get the rewards.

The only reason I keep my job is because if I lose it I will end up on the street with an ever growing debt, most of which will be placed upon my relatives to repay. The thing is I will not be able to work up the energy to find a new job, I know I will simply do nothing.

If I had cancer, an orthopedic problem, or the like at least I would have an excuse to be denied from military service. What I would give to have cancer right now, to know I only had six months to live, I would find it very comforting. The only reason I am still alive right now is to make everyone else comfortable and happy. What a nice escape it would be, if I died from natural causes. This is why I will never share any of this with anyone I know, they don't deserve to have to deal with my problems.

The more I write on here the more I realize I am not here for help, I really don't know why I came here. Nothing is going to change. MY only hope is to not hurt anyone in the process. As long as I keep up the charade, everything will be fine. Thanks for your help.

[JudyKayTee]

Why would your relatives have to pay your debts if you couldn't pay them? What Country?

I find your "I wish I had cancer" comment to be self serving, insensitive and appalling.

I'm a widow - sorry you have problems but to wish you had cancer?

Maybe if you'd think of something, anything beside yourself, you'd be happier.

[ZeroPointZero]

Why would your relatives have to pay your debts if you couldn't pay them? What Country?

I find your "I wish I had cancer" comment to be self serving, insensitive and appalling.

I'm a widow - sorry you have problems but to wish you had cancer?

Maybe if you'd think of something, anything beside yourself, you'd be happier.

Yes you are probably right, and that is the problem. This is the United States, you can co-sign loans, in which the co-signer will take responsibility for the debt if the primary defaults. These are large student loans that cannot be written off in bankruptcy.

Thing is I wouldn't know how to change, and I don't know how to learn how to change.

[Wondergirl]

Yes you are probably right, and that is the problem. This is the United States, you can co-sign loans, in which the co-signer will take responsibility for the debt if the primary defaults. These are large student loans that cannot be written off in bankruptcy.

You have at least ten years to pay off student loans, and they can be deferred or the time extended.

Thing is I wouldn't know how to change, and I don't know how to learn how to change.

Oh, how I wish I could sweep you into my office and begin to move you toward change!

P.S. I am a cancer survivor. You don't want cancer.

[dontknownuthin]

You know, everything you say just makes increasingly obvious that you're depressed and need counseling and medication. Don't make it a bigger deal that it is - half the people I know have been treated for depression at one time or another, and pretty much everyone I know is really successful, productive. Most people don't talk about it, and you'd be surprised how many people you see and think have the world by a string are actually being treated for depression or bipolar or anxiety.

You're caught up in what other people might think if you get counseling. They don't get to know unless you sign permission for them to know. And you know what else - you already have your security job. They won't continue checking your psychological background. But if you're thinking is not functional and you're having a hard time getting through life, that will eventually become apparent. And after you get some help and your brain chemistry is straightened out, you'll have the will to do the right things - everything will just gradually get less hard, more natural for you to just do the right things to make yourself happy.

All you have to loose by reaching out for help is doom, gloom and sadness. You're reaching out because part of you wants something better for yourself.

The point of telling you this is an illness is to get you to understand, it's nothing to be ashamed of or judge yourself harshly for. It's just something you have to face up to and take responsibility for. It sucks because it closed that military door for you, but when you deal with it, the rest of the world will be open to you. If you couldn't be in the military because you had some other illness, you would be sad for a while then start thinking about what else you can do and what else would interest you.

You're way overthinking things - just get help for the depression for starters and then figure something else out another day. One step at a time.

[ZeroPointZero]

I am sorry I came here, thanks for the responses. I don't know why I posted here to begin with, sorry I wasted your time. The more I talk about getting help, the more I realize I am not getting help. I am set in my ways I suppose, nothing can change that, it's the only thing I know.

Look at these things I do to myself, the selfishness, the self pity, the idiotic things I do and say. I put myself here, I created this life, I perpetuate this life. I really deserve nothing more than what I have, if I even deserve that.

[Wondergirl]

thanks for the responses....it's the only thing I know.

Do you like to write?

[ZeroPointZero]

Do you like to write?

No, I have very little imagination as well.

[Wondergirl]

No, I have very little imagination as well.

You didn't write your first post or any afterwards?