[talaniman]

The thing about so called lost love is it has not withstood the test of time, and has no baggage from the past other than being lost. Wonder how many lost loves get found and work out. Not many I bet.

[tinsign]

HEY PUT THE BREAKS ON.. You are trying to relive the past of being young, you were happy with your life till you found this woman.. WHAT you are really doing is trying to be 17 again.. Yes it would be nice to be younger but I would not give up all I have now over an old flame 30 some odd years back.
Now I putting that shoe on your foot see how it fits you... Lets say it was your wife on 30 something years, she looked up her old flame.. there you were in the dark thinking all is good between you.. the years of hard work in the marriage were worth it and... BOOM the axe comes down on you and you see she has done just what you did to her.
Not a very good feeling is it?
Let the past be where it should be.. THE PAST

[talaniman]

Had to spread the love tinsign, but you are so right, leave the past in the past.

[andy2659]

The thing about so called lost love is it has not withstood the test of time, and has no baggage from the past other than being lost. Wonder how many lost loves get found and work out. Not many I bet.

And you would be totally wrong. It is true that many lost loves do not end up married again due to the complications of present day life, other marriages, etc. But those that do, those who actually end up married, have the lowest divorce rates of all, even though statistically, second marriages (or more) have much higher divorce rates than first time marriages. What is interesting however is how strong the pull of a lost love. But you are right that the lost love never stood the test of time, for whatever reason, and so there is not that excess baggage that long time marriages endure. But we are not talking about just any lost love, i.e. the person you dated in high school, college or whatever. We are talking about that special person, who for some reason got away, who stands out in a person's life as the love of their life.

[talaniman]

Well I have a list of those from my past so which one is the lost-est? And I would be interested in knowing where you got your facts from so I can evaluate how totally wrong I am and can see the stats that make their divorce rate so low. Your statement is vague and unsubstantiated.

[ordinaryguy]

And you would be totally wrong. It is true that many lost loves do not end up married again due to the complications of present day life, other marriages, etc. But those that do, those who actually end up married, have the lowest divorce rates of all, even though statistically, second marriages (or more) have much higher divorce rates than first time marriages. What is interesting however is how strong the pull of a lost love. But you are right that the lost love never stood the test of time, for whatever reason, and so there is not that excess baggage that long time marriages endure. But we are not talking about just any lost love, i.e., the person you dated in highschool, college or whatever. We are talking about that special person, who for some reason got away, who stands out in a person's life as the love of their life.

I guess I don't quite understand what you're saying to Danno specifically. That he should trash his marriage and pursue a relationship with this woman because the statistics are favorable? Or what? It's been over a month since he posted here, so he may not even be paying attention any more. Maybe we need to start a new thread debating the pros and cons of lost and found love in general?

[andy2659]

The facts regarding divorce statisics are in the research by Dr. Kalish. You can buy her book or review her website at lostlovers.com

I am not giving any advice for anybody to pursue a lost love at the risk of their marriage. I am a member of that message board I mentioned and have read lots of stories about Lost Love from lots of different people. I am simply suggesting that Lost Love is not some fantasy a person engages in because they want to be young again or are tired of their marriage or are going through a middle aged crises. Lost Love is real love and deep love love, possibly the deepest some people will ever experience. There is some theory that a true Lost Love is a person you bonded with, early in your life, imprinted on your brain, just like a baby bonds with his mother. At any rate, I only piped up here because so many of you have opinions without knowing the true facts or what the science and the research tells us. Dr. Kalish in fact recommends that married people not contact their Lost Loves because it is so dangerous to do so. And lots of people probably don't have "lost loves." If you do, you will know the difference between your lost love (if you contact them or hear from them) as opposed to just a former boy and girl friend. But the point is that a true lost love is not something you just waive away and tell the person to get over their fantasy. It is far more complicated than that. I find all this stuff interesting by the way, which is why I joined that board.

[talaniman]

As you say it is a danger to married people who have moved on and gotten a happy life. Those who are not happy run the risk of losing focus and going with that fantasy. Not good as human lives are involved. We all must make a choice in life and those choices are what make us happy or miserable. For now lost loves are a fantasy that you overcome for the happiness of the now. Not to disagree, but the human heart is not statistics, but a very real product of who we are.

[tornup]

Hi,
I'm 45, married for 25 yrs... and having an affair with my 1st love, who's also married. Neither one of us wants to leave our spouse... they're both quite vulnerable... but it's getting harder to go on like this. Our families are very close, and it would devastate my husband if I left him... to be on my own... or to be with this other person. My marriage hasn't been good for quite some time. I'm on disability, and my husband works long hours. He's addicted to online porn... and we only have sex about once every 6 months. And, it's not just the sex... it's the whole package... we don't cuddle... we don't kiss... we don't talk anymore... I've tried to talk it over... but he says there's nothing wrong. I did leave him once for only a week... but I had no money and stayed with my parents (wrong thing to do) and my husband was lost. He called me everyday with questions... he and our son ate fast food every night... and the house was a disaster when I came home. I cook dinner every night, and clean the house... with no help... at ALL! In fact, my husband doesn't even mow the grass... we pay someone... and we can't afford that!
I know this doesn't excuse my affair... but I can talk to this person... and we don't always have sex when we're together... sometimes we just lay in each others arms and talk... I don't know what to do anymore... I really am frustrated... regardless of whether my 1st love sticks around... I need to do some serious soul searching...

[ordinaryguy]

I need to do some serious soul searching...

Indeed you do, and it sounds like you've made a start at it. I understand the heartache of a loveless marriage, but I'll be surprised if this affair doesn't have disastrous consequences for everyone involved. Short term expedients hardly ever lead to long term solutions. I wish you well in your efforts to untangle the web you've woven.

[Moderators: Perhaps this should be moved to a thread of its own?]

[talaniman]

I agree, but the poster has the power to make a new question, I don't.

[andy2659]

The only time I have enrolled on this message board and answered a few questions is under this topic. And strolling back, I see there is some kind of reputation gauge. All over Yahoo and other message boards, there are people who are annoying and disrespectful and obstructive simply for the fun of it. This is a serious topic and my answers were serious, and correct. For those of you who gave me a minus because you did not like the content of my posts, I can only suggest you grow up and become tolerant of others who may not think like you do. Also, if you truly want to know anything about the subject matter, I suggest you go to Lostlovers.com. You might actually learn something and learn you were wrong in the process.

[N0223C]

I'm 17, and not in a relationship. This thread caught my eye and after reading it, I'm really scared to be honest. I am infatuated with a childhood sweetheart as well. I recognize the fact that it is a fantasy, but I'm in search of answers on how to smother this spark before it fuels itself into a fire later in life.
With better judgment I can assume that I will not be marrying my childhood sweetheart because we have already gone our separate ways in the past few years, even though she remains in a close range of communication.
I guess what I'm having trouble with is letting go and being open to other possibly great relationships. I don't want to regret never pursuing this relationship and possibly end up in Danno's same situation at an older age.
I am young, and you might think I don't have a clue what love is, and I probably don't. All I know is this girl and I matched. Plenty of other fish in the sea, sure, but can I trust that she is not the one I was meant to be with?
You probably won't want to answer this because it's not in its own thread, and it would seem redundant to bark the same answers at a similar situation.
In any case, thanks for taking the time to care to read this. =)

[andy2659]

Dr. Kalish on the Lostlovers.com site tells adults not to discount young-love such as yours. She just could end up being the love of your life. My recommendation is that if you are still in love with her that you do everything you can to win her back. If you do the best you can and are unsuccessful, then there should be no regrets later in life. It is the unknown and the not trying, the vague endings, the incomplete endings that come back to haund people and cause mental distress throughout their lives. If you did the best you can do, what else can you do but go on with your life? And you will because if she doesn't care about you the way you do about her, you too shall soon not care.

[StillEverHopeful]

Thanks, Andy, for all your posts. I agree with what you have said 100%. :)

Sent you a pm.

-Still EH

[bobc3]

I am in the same situation. I however have not called her or given her any indication I am interested in a relationship with her. She is very married with her own life. I think it would be selfish of me to pursue her right now. I will however keep in touch with her on Facebook. I feel your frustration I have been in love with the lady the first time I saw her at age 13. I have never forgot about her. So hang in there and hope for the best. For me I need to just wait and see what happens. I will not force her to do anything.