[chicarica]

After 3 years of marriage, these are my husbands words:
I deserve better than you.
If we were dating I wouldn’t marry you.
I don’t need this stress in my life.
If I did what I really wanted then you would have to be very worried.
You control everything in this relationship.
You are not what I would expect a wife and mother to be. (this last line I've heard repeatedly)

What do I do? He will not go to any marriage counseling and says he feels trapped. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me but I don't want to be hasty about a divorce. Help?

[valkman98]

Wow that's a bit out of the blue isn't it? A little more insite might help.

[Gemini54]

Yes, you need to explain a bit more.

What do you do that causes him to say these things? What is the stress that you bring to his life? Why do you control everything in the relationship?

[Fr_Chuck]

He has to explain what exactly is the issue, being vague means nothing and you can't not deal with it.

I would make sure he knows that unless he is willing to go to counseling that he is allowing the problem to go on.

And I would walk off when he started his bull.

And to be blunt, if he kieeps saying it, remind him he knows where the door is if he does not want to work at the relationship

[chicarica]

A little more info:
We have been fighting ever since we were married. He is a different culture than me, one that is man-centered. In his culture the woman is expected to do all housework, serve the man, basically keep quiet and do what he says. This doesn't sit well with me, raised in this country to a mother who was the big bread winner and ran the house. My husband is also very blunt and tactless and I'm sensitive. I try to tell him what gets me upset but he says I'm just ruining his life by making him walk on eggshells around me.

As for control, my husband wants to control everything. He gets upset if I don't ask him before I make any decision - leaving the house, having friends over, throwing out the trash... He has told me that because I don't do exactly as he says, he feels that I am purposely trying to control him.?

I also recently changed my religious views. I don't try to force anything on him and continue to go with him to his church in order to keep the peace. But for him this is not enough. He wants me to go back to being full time at the church like I used to be. The church puts pressure on him and then he blames me for how he feels.

[Devorameira]

Your husband seems to be both controlling and abusive. Cultural differences may come into play, but they are not an excuse for his behavior. There is NEVER an excuse for abuse.

Dealing with a controlling hateful husband is an awful situation that wears on your sanity. Being constantly controlled is something that no one should have to endure, even if you care about him. Being constantly belittled destroys yourself confidence and self worth.

Does he ever hit you? If not, confront him about his behavior. You may think that ignoring the situation will minimize conflict, but it will actually make your problems worse by allowing resentment to grow. Even if it seems like he isn't listening, take the time to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel.

Communication is really important, but if he will not talk about the underlying problems, you need to talk to friends or a counselor before you explode! I don't think that he will change without professional help.

Put yourself first! Don't take his disrespect. Your household should be a haven of peace, not chaos. If you allow this to go on he will destroy yourself confidence and make you into an anxiety ridden person who constantly walks on eggshells. It's just not worth it!

[Gemini54]

A little more info:
We have been fighting ever since we were married. He is a different culture than me, one that is man-centered. In his culture the woman is expected to do all housework, serve the man, basically keep quiet and do what he says. This doesn't sit well with me, raised in this country to a mother who was the big bread winner and ran the house. My husband is also very blunt and tactless and I'm sensitive. I try to tell him what gets me upset but he says I'm just ruining his life by making him walk on eggshells around me.

As for control, my husband wants to control everything. He gets upset if I don't ask him before I make any decision - leaving the house, having friends over, throwing out the trash... He has told me that because I don't do exactly as he says, he feels that I am purposely trying to control him. ???

I also recently changed my religious views. I don't try to force anything on him and continue to go with him to his church in order to keep the peace. But for him this is not enough. He wants me to go back to being full time at the church like i used to be. The church puts pressure on him and then he blames me for how he feels.

It doesn't sound as if there is much common ground here. You've been fighting since you got married - did you have no sense of what he was like and what was expected of you in his culture?

I see too many differences here and too little willingness to compromise on both your parts - perhaps it's time to consider a separation.

[Jake2008]

He is a different culture than me, one that is man-centered.

Just what culture is he from?

[Gemini54]

Just what culture is he from?

I'm hanging out for the answer - I thought ALL cultures were man centered. Sorry, it's the old feminist in me rearing her ugly head!

[chicarica]

He's caribbean. I did not know much about what he would expect out of a wife before we were married because we didn't spend so much time with his family then. He treated me differently before we got married. As soon as I said 'I do' everything was different.

Gemini54
Just for the record, I have compromised on a lot in my marriage. I compromised on where we are living. I have compromised on the religious issue. I have given up things dear to me because he wanted me to. I have read book after book trying to work on myself and my flaws. I've practiced meditation to try to keep calm when I feel upset. I do what he wants when it comes to culture as long as I know what to do. What is upsetting is that I DO what he wants and I'm still considered not good enough. What else am I supposed to compromise, if not my entire identity?

For example, his mother just told me the other day that she clips her husbands toenails regularly and her other son said that is what a woman is supposed to do. I don't do that because I never heard of such a thing. But my husband would be mad at me for not doing it, even though he's never asked me to, because he expects me to want to on my own.

All I have been fighting for is for this man to stop putting me down and acknowledge what I do for him. I want to go to counseling so we can talk things out with the balance of a third party. He refuses, so I'm going to counseling by myself.

[Jake2008]

What is upsetting is that I DO what he wants and I'm still considered not good enough. What else am I supposed to compromise, if not my entire identity?

That statement shows you have some insight as to what is happening with you. You are perilously close to losing yourself, becoming someone else, and complacent with the dominance and control put upon you.

That is what abuse is all about.

You didn't see it coming, otherwise at the first mention of you being expected to cut your husbands toe nails, you would have run for the nearest taxi, and as far away as you could.

This is also abuse. It doesn't overwhelm and totally control you right off the bat. It is a systematic, planned 'takeover'.

While you are trying to improve yourself, he is trying harder to diminish and ridicule your faults.

That is also abuse.

The harder you fight to retain your dignity, self worth, and confidence, the more he works away at your self-esteem, and eventually has you worn out and no longer up to the challenge of asserting yourself.

That is abuse also.

It doesn't get better. In your case, you have not only his control and expectations, but the expectations of his culture as you see it, and his family, and likely his married friends.

This is not a battle you will win, and what I fear is that it will only get worse, because what kind of man is he if he can't control his wife.

Abuse to you and me, is not abuse to him. You will never even agree on the definition, let alone change his behaviour. He has grown up with it, he expects you to be a certain way, and damn the torpedo's, it will be that way.

Middle ground is only temporary. If it is in his best interest for you to attend counselling, he will put up with that, thinking that he can continue to tear down anything you have learned.

He wouldn't benefit from counselling because he doesn't have a problem...

It is so true that you are on the verge of losing your entire identity,and while I admire you for going to counselling and reading books, you are not on an even playing field here.

You could have 10 experts point out why this is an abusive relationship to your husband, and he'd nod and agree, all the while, knowing that he cannot, and will not, change.

I hope you continue with counselling and get the answers you need to make decisions about the direction your life is heading in.

[Gemini54]

Clipping his toenails? Good heavens, next they will want you to wipe his bottom!

Sounds to me like you need a husband not a child.

Yes, by all means try counseling - but unless your husband can meet you halfway (or even quarter way), I don't see that anything much will change.

[nanuchini]

Is he from India or are you indian?

[nanuchini]

If you are financially independent and kids are on correct age get out. Husband is suppose to be best friend and you need decent american man for this. If you are young and education is a problem go to school do something which give you decent life.

[Cat1864]

nanuchini, thank you for trying to help chicarica, but this this thread is from 2010, two years ago. It is highly doubtful that she will respond.