[Rhia1978]

Hi there,

I am a bit confused so please pardon if my words are a bit jumbled up and I ramble on. I’ve been seeing this guy for the past month. I really like him and he seems to like me too. We have only been on 3 dates but things have progressed very fast. We got intimate on our 2nd date. I was having a boardgames night at my place that night and since one of my friends asked me to invite him so we had an extra player, I did so during our date. He agreed and that’s how he stayed over the night. It was unplanned. Another close girlfriend of mine stayed over too. She’s far older than us and is having an extra marital affair with a married man. Everyone loved him and especially my girlfriend who spent a lot of time chatting to him. She called him ‘delightful’.

We exchanged texts during the week – he was lovely to me. The following Friday I had asked him if he wanted to hang out with another bunch of friends. He was immediately ready. He wanted to meet a bit earlier to spend time with me and I agreed. We had a wonderful night – once again all my friends liked him. Not one negative word about him. He would frequently touch my backside and I would lean over to kiss him. One of my closest friends told me he told her he found me ‘amazing’. We had decided beforehand that he’d come back to my place. All along the way he was very affectionate. I told him I liked him…told him I didn’t want him to leave the country. He’s on a visa which expires next May. He said he didn’t either and I know from before that he really wants to stay here. We had a lovely night once again. The next morning I made him breaky and was expecting him to hang around but he left in a little bit of a hurry. That took me by surprise and I texted him a bit later to tell him that I missed him. I know this is a faux pas but I was just being honest. I am hopeless at games.

This is the first time I have fallen for a guy at first sight and to watch him interacting with my friends has been a big turn on.

I didn’t hear back from him on Saturday or on Sunday. I got very anxious. I spoke to my girlfriend who had met him on the boardgames night. Now this girlfriend has an affinity of thinking her friend’s boyfriends take a liking to her. Anyway while I thought he had been affectionate towards her, she said there was ‘chemistry’ between them, that he offered to make her breakfast the morning after and that he opened up much more to her since he felt comfortable. He also did tell her that he found me very ‘attractive’ and ‘fascinating’. These bits of information took me by surprise and has really confused me. Earlier she was very encouraging towards him but now she’s saying this. She told me that we wanted different things and maybe I wasn’t ‘interesting’ enough for him. Two other friends have told me not to listen to her – too many cooks spoil the broth I know.

After a terrible day y’day (Monday) I finally couldn’t hold on anymore and texted him asking him how he is. He answered 3 hours later – ‘Am grand. U?’. I didn’t answer then but did so today morning – ‘Am good :))’. I am not expecting an answer – maybe I am expecting the worst.

This is where I need your help please. He was normally always very quick to answer to my texts – he’s the one who asked me out and persisted. Now he took 3 hours to respond y’day and didn’t even answer to the one on Saturday where I told him I missed him. I feel a lot for him and feel a bit crushed and numb. I know he’s started a new job and hates it. I know he normally starts getting his act together around Wednesday/Thursday – ish.

The sex hasn’t been that great – maybe because we’ve been mostly tipsy or hungover – a trend I know we have to break. He doesn’t engage in much foreplay – something he even said once ‘talk about no foreplay’. Maybe just something we need to work out. Last time he stayed over he wouldn’t cuddle me after sex….’you can cuddle me’ he said. We are not very adventurous in bed – again I attribute that to the alcohol and the newness of our ‘relationship’.

What I am hoping is that you can give me a neutral perspective and tell me if I am making a mountain of a molehill or there are red flags here. And what should I do?

His text has been non-committal. Where he normally asks me out – he has said nothing this time – no plans made ahead. He left my place in a rush the last time even though I made a few sad faces when he was leaving. I did the mistake of telling him I missed him afterwards. My friend tells me the only reason he’s meeting my friends is to network – not because he wants to invest in me. And then this silence with the texts. Should I forget him and move on? Or is this typical male behaviour – I have been told they are notoriously slow with their texts. But am I making excuses here – is he just not that into me – to quote the movie?

Oh and if this is at all relevant – he’s a Cancerian.

Really, really need your help – am feeling very confused.

Thanks in advance.

[Alty]

You said yourself that you're pitiful at playing games, so don't play them.

If you want to go on another date, ask him. If he's no longer interested, he'll say no.

I'm so glad that I'm no longer in the dating scene. I couldn't handle it. All this texting, and talking to other people about the guy you're seeing.

Whatever happened to actually talking, if not face to face, on the phone?

Texting is killing relationships IMO.

Call him. Tell him that you like him, that you're very interested in him, and you're wondering what's going on. Also tell him that you understand if he's not that interested, but you'd like him to be honest with you so that you know what's going on.

In other words, tell him to stop playing games.

As for your friend. I'd dump her. Seems to me that she's very full of herself, and she doesn't have any problem openly flirting with someone she knows you're interested in. She's trouble. That's the relationship you should be concerned about.

[Wondergirl]

You may be interesting and even amazing, but I'm thinking, because you already gave away the farm, he's lost interest and is looking for (or has already found) his next conquest.

Just out of curiosity, what's your sign?

[Alty]

Since WG mentioned signs, and I happen to be married to a Cancer, here's some info on cancers.

They're very loyal, they're home bodies, they love to be with the people they care about. Cheating is too much of an effort. They simply don't want to put in the time and effort to cheat.

I too would like to know your sign. :)

[Rhia1978]

Thanks both of you! I am an Aries... and an artist... so a bit too intense I guess. It's just that he made me very very happy.

I agree I gave in too quick and I told him that... he said... 'you made the right decision'. As much as I know we have to make the men chase... and I've done that in the past inadvertently when I wasn't interested... this time I just didn't want to think too hard. When he had come over for the boardgames I tried really hard to resist him... but finally gave in.

So I guess I should just move on then since I was just another notch on his belt I guess?

[Wondergirl]

I too am married to a Cancer. Not only is he a homebody, he also has Asperger's, "Cheat? Huh? Why would I do that?"

I agree with your suspicion that you scared him off with your intensity.

Notch on his belt? No. It's something else that I can't explain. Maybe Alty can.

Hmmm, maybe something about loyalty -- he would always wonder about yours. If you gave in so quickly to his charm, would you so easily give in to someone else who came along?

[Fr_Chuck]

Personally you were a new booty call and a notch for his bedpost. Most likely your girlfriend will be his next, most likely he is disappointed he did not get both of you at the same time.

[Rhia1978]

Thanks Wondergirl.

I guess he needs to decide about my loyalty himself. I know I have never done this before. It's a first for me and I told him that.

If you were in my position would you do as Altenweg advised me to and ask him directly instead of assuming he's bolted? I know I am intense but my intensity has only caused me the anxiousness I am going through now - he hasn't seen any of it... well except for the text I sent him telling him I missed him.

[Wondergirl]

Offer to take him to a new movie: "Hey, the last Harry Potter movie will open in town on Friday. My treat." Or invite him to a local restaurant for pie and coffee. Avoid any "missing you" comments or "where have you been?" probing.

In other words, be very concrete and objective -- not subjective and emotional.

[Alty]

The only way you can lose is to never try.

We can only guess what his intentions are. Only he knows what they are for a fact.

So talk to him. If you really like him, ask him what's going on. The worst that can happen is that he tells you he's not interested. Then you're no worse off then you are now, right?

Don't be afraid to try. You never know, this could all be a huge misunderstanding, and it could turn out that this is the guy of your dreams. So talk to him.

That's what I'd do. :)

Just want to add. I had sex with my husband 1 week after we started dating. We've been together for 21 years now, and we're extremely happy, and still very much in love.

I'm not saying that you should go around sleeping with every guy that gets you hot, but just because you did jump into bed with him early on, doesn't mean that there's no possibility of a relationship.

[Rhia1978]

Thanks Altenweg! I have asked him how his training's going. Once he responds I will ask him if he wants to meet up. He has never turned down my invitations and has always initiated and asked me out. So I guess I will take the risk and do it this time and see what he says. As you said it will only give me a clearer picture.

My dilemma is from the fact that I've been advised by friends to play it 'cool' and let him chase. And really as I said I cannot play this game.

[Rhia1978]

Altenweg & Wondergirl – I just received his response and he told me he has just quit his job. He couldn’t take it anymore. I knew he wasn’t happy with the new job and the moment he had started it is when his attitude started changing towards me. Anyway this might not mean he still wants to be with me. I have told him am here if he needs to download. I should let him be right? I don’t want to mother him – though I really do know I can help. I did that with my ex and he felt worthless because I got him his job. Then he lost his job and dumped me. I just don’t want to lose another lovely person because of a job loss. This is déjà vu :(

[Wondergirl]

Maybe give him space now? What do you think?

[Rhia1978]

Yes for sure... that's what I said to him... that if he needs to download am here. He texted me back and said 'what do you mean' and I said 'just offering support that's all'. Now am not going to do anything. He's very cranky at the moment... very crabby... if he needs me, he can ask. But I am not going to do anything. I would have liked to invite him for dinner since I have a lot of food at home but guess space is more important to him than food.

Thanks Wondergirl & Altenweg - am glad I took the risk - at least I realised what's bothering him. He still might not want to be with me and that's fine... but at least he's not a player.

[Wondergirl]

Please let us know how it goes. (I personally would appeal to his stomach and need to eat -- no strings, come on over for roast pork, sage stuffing, boatloads of gravy, crispy potatoes, glazed carrots, and apple pie with ice cream.)

[Rhia1978]

Hahahaha! That's what I was thinking too - I know if I was in his position I would have liked a friend to feed me since I would be so highly strung haha!

He just texted me the following:
'Oh! Sorry. I didn't know what you meant by download that's all. Cheers though. On the case now for another job'

So I texted back and said 'Good luck:) New opportunities - that's exciting'

Since he's Irish am sure some mash would appeal to him haha! I will have a think about the dinner - don't want to mother him that's all.

[Wondergirl]

Maybe a little mothering is okay right now.

[Rhia1978]

Haha... ok I have invited him to dinner tonight :) Hope he doesn't think am pitying him... I do have way too much food at home actually haha! I was thinking it would be wasted - this will be a good way of finishing it off :)

[Rhia1978]

He's agreed to dinner - not tonight but either tomorrow or day after... I have dinner plans with my friends either tomorrow or day after. So have told him I'll confirm a bit later. Thank you so much Wondergirl & Altenweg - really appreciate your help... otherwise I would have kept quite and not done anything out of fear. Being an Aries I am normally not afraid of things... impulsive even... but in this case I was petrified since I had never ever felt this way for a guy and never gotten so close so quick!

[Wondergirl]

I had never ever felt this way for a guy and never gotten so close so quick!

I'm a Scorpio, so I'm brash and passionate, but also very smart and savvy. Now it's time for you to back off with the romance and sex stuff (even if he tries to initiate either of them -- do the dishes together and watch TV instead). Get to know him; be his friend.

Now I wish I could be a guest at your dinner :), maybe be your auntie who has flown in for a surprise visit from the States. I'll even make the dessert.