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Cat1864 · May 7, 2011, 05:25 PM

Snowflake, how old are you and what country do you live in? It will help to know resources are available to you.

No man is worth hurting yourself. This man in particular is not worth another thought unless it is when you are talking to a counselor about why you get involved with men like him.

Where do you usually meet the men you date?

If you feel empty inside it because you are looking for love and happiness in the wrong place. They have to come from inside you.

Take this time to work on your relationship with yourself. Try counseling. Get involved in things that make you happy. What interests do you have that help you feel good about you?

snowflake23 · May 7, 2011, 05:41 PM

23, uk. In town when out shpping or from work.

pattygrown40 · May 7, 2011, 05:42 PM

Snowflake, get some help you are to young to be involved with such stress! These are your fun years don't get to serious right now and stop letting these no good Jerks play you! Pull yourself together and love yourself! Judt date and don't take these men too seriously because you are only hurtung yourself! Seek Counseling!! Talk to someone who can help you. I am also here for you as well and I am going to keep it real!!

Just Looking · May 7, 2011, 05:44 PM

I agree with Cat that counseling will benefit you. Until you work on yourself, you are going to pursue the wrong men for the wrong reasons. It sounds like you have a history of abusive men. Counseling would help you understand why you are making these choices in men. It will also help you to deal with wanting to hurt yourself. Don't despair - there is hope for a better life.

You mentioned that you have a college degree and a good job. You are also very young at 23. I would suggest that you stay away from men for some time while you work on understanding yourself better and accepting that you have a lot to offer. We all make mistakes, so forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made and spend some time figuring out what you really want. You need to start valuing yourself as a person, not base your value on what the men you have known say or how they treat you. When you value yourself, you won't allow a man to mistreat you. This is about you – not the men in your past. When the time is right, you will be ready to meet a good, decent man. There are many of them out there.

snowflake23 · May 7, 2011, 05:46 PM

Thank you, yep am going try seek professional help. Its just nice knowing it wasn't my fault. I spent to many times thinking I was problem that they normal and I wasn't

pattygrown40 · May 7, 2011, 05:55 PM

Good for you Snowflake, your going to make it! You will be all right!

Cat1864 · May 7, 2011, 07:45 PM

Snowflake, one of the things about the people on this site is we will give you our honest opinions.

You're young and still learning how to choose a partner. It sounds like you have gotten mixed up and made some mistakes, but we all do. That you are willing to learn is a very good thing. Understand that isn't easy and it will take work, but we are here to offer what advice we can.

If you start blaming yourself again reread what has been said and if needed post. Remember that we are volunteers so responses can take awhile so be patient.

While you may have a record of picking the wrong men, this last one was not one you could have seen coming. It is mark in your favor that you asked for help before the situation got worse.

You know with counseling you might think about self-defense classes. It can boost your self-esteem.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

amicon · May 8, 2011, 12:19 AM

I think counseling would be a good idea;it seems you have low self esteem and seeing a therapist would help.

Well done for ending it-I hope you have friends and family around to offer you support.

mystific · May 8, 2011, 05:17 PM

@ Pattygrown40

I just thought it would be worthwhile mentioning guns are illegal in the UK.. and extremely difficult to obtain a license to keep one. I tried as I was offered an antique.. and even to keep one for 'non use' was more hassle than going to get a tooth pulled.

@ Snowflake

The mental health system is absolutely phenomenal in the UK and free. Go see one of your local GP's and get referred to one in your main town.

On a side note, you should feel proud and confident that you did leave him. You stood your ground and did what was right. For you. No one else... just you.

It's easy to carry the blame for an abusive partner when we try to cover for them and make them feel better for what they did, assuming the blame to make things easier. It's a stupid way to think, but we're to easy to fall into the protective trap because we're 'loved'.

Don't rush into any relationship till you've found yourself. You're strong in mind, heart and soul. Don't believe that yourself worth is as low as being treated like a beaten dog. You deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and admiration. Treated like a woman with intelligence and self preservation.

If a man can't give you that, then he's not worthy to be even considered.

pattygrown40 · May 9, 2011, 11:55 AM

@Mystific I did not know she was in the UK until Cat asked her but on the other hand I live in the US and it is very legal here! Thank you for lettig me know that and since Snaowflake you hurt yourself it wouldn't be good for you to have protection at all! Just stay away from the rough necks and you will be all right : )

mystific · May 9, 2011, 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by pattygrown40

@Mystific I did not know she was in the UK until Cat asked her but on the other hand I live in the US and it is very legal here! Thank you for lettig me know that and since Snaowflake you hurt yourself it wouldn't be good for you to have protection at all! Just stay away from the rough necks and you will be alright : )

I have lived in both UK and US. It was certainly an eye opener to see how easy it is to purchase weapons in the US.

Not that I went out and got one... I'd end up doing myself more harm than anyone else :)

pattygrown40 · May 9, 2011, 04:24 PM

@mystific: SELF DEFENSE LOL!! but at least you understood what I was talking about!! Cheers to U : )

Alty · May 9, 2011, 08:25 PM

Patty, I looked at your post from a Canadian point of view. In Canada it's also very hard to get a gun.

I understand the need to protect yourself, and I've been in abusive situations. My point was that a gun is dangerous. Also, she could end up being charged. What if she panics and ends up shooting the mailman thinking it's her ex?

There are other ways to protect yourself. You don't always have to go for the heavy artillery.

mystific · May 9, 2011, 08:39 PM

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Altenweg again.

I agree with the gun being dangerous, as is any weapon you may defend yourself with.

My dad once told me, if you ever use a weapon you make sure you know how to defend yourself against it... there's always a chance you could lose it to your attacker.. I can't dodge bullets, so gun's are certainly not high on my list of 'defensive mechanisms'.

Alty · May 9, 2011, 08:43 PM

I feel the same way. I'm also afraid that I could accidentally shoot someone out of fear.

I've taken self defense, I have three dogs, and 4 killer attack rabbits. ;)

I'm not begrudging anyone the right to have a gun, but there's a lot more involved (or there should be) then just going to the local gun store and picking up a weapon that is made to end a human life. There should be numerous training sessions, tests, etc. etc. I just find that it's way too easy for people to get these weapons, and most don't have any clue how to safely use them.

Also, the OP is not in the mental state that is conducive to having a weapon in the home.

pattygrown40 · May 9, 2011, 08:48 PM

@Alteweg I was speaking from an American point of view very selfish of me. My apoloigies please!! Here in thr US is really viloent crimes going on and it is very easy to own artillery here. That why I stated in my last post that in her current situation that would not be in her best interest! Some Defense Classes would benefit her more and some Major Counseling, She is a smart young lady and she will be all right. I just believe that!

Alty · May 9, 2011, 08:58 PM

No apologies necessary Patty, we just see things differently, and that's okay.

We do agree that she's a smart lady, and counseling is a must. I also believe that she'll be okay. :)

pattygrown40 · May 9, 2011, 09:27 PM

Great okay I am off to bed!! G.N.

HistorianChick · May 10, 2011, 06:49 AM

I'm an American, descended from Mayflower passengers, American Revolution soldiers, Civil War soldiers, and military men. I grew up where guns were commonplace.

I've also gone through an abusive relationship where I had to take a restraining order out on the man that I had broken up with. He was a military guy that threatened to blow up my Mom's mailbox. Fun stuff, huh?

I think that it is irresponsible for every person to run out and get a gun for "self defense" whenever they feel they should.

Personally, I think each person should take it upon themselves to receive self defense TRAINING, rather than run out and buy a gun. If, after receiving necessary training, the person is still insecure, by all means, buy a gun. But it should not just be the first response.

I think this is the reason why we HAVE so many violent crimes, crimes of passion, and accidental shootings. People just assume that because we can we should.

talaniman · May 10, 2011, 07:34 AM

The best way to handle abuse from a psycho, is to leave, and get all the support you can from the friends and family around you, and the properly trained authorities. Knowledge is power, and the more others close to you know what you are going through, the better they can help protect you, that and being aware and vigilante in your own behalf, are better than depending on a gun to keep you safe. That's a very false sense of security.