[messinger]

My girlfriend is an amazing girl I love her so much but she dumpted me right after christmas break said she didn't like me the way she did before and I deserved someone better... but I can't help it I still think of her all the time I'm still friends with her I don't want to stress her out because of her expirances with other boys... this isn't much info but any advice would be good Just PLEASE HELPPPP!! -_-

[Alty]

I know it hurts. Being dumped sucks. We've all been there.

I'm going to be honest with you, and that will likely hurt too.

She's made a decision. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and she's decided it won't work and she wants to move on.

Of course you, as the dumpee, still want to be with her. You want to believe that you can get her back, because facing reality, facing the fact that it's over, is too painful.

I'm going to be honest with you. It's over. It's unlikely that she'll be back.

The best you can do is grieve over this, take the time to mourn the loss, and then pick yourself up and move on.

You will find a girl that feels the same way about you that you feel about her. Right now that possibility doesn't seem like reality, but once you heal from this you'll see that I'm right.

Go out, have fun, surround yourself with friends, go to no contact, and mourn the loss. Then pick yourself up and realize that there are other fish in the sea.

Good luck. :)

[CinnamonBrownie]

Hi,

Altenweg is right. It's important to realize your best "move" is to play it cool. This is going to be true no matter if you get her back or not. If there's any chance that you'll actually end up back together with her, the most important thing to realize is that she'd have to be attracted to you again, and the best way to show that, ironically, is to not need her. Women aren't attracted to needy guys!

I hope that helps.

[talaniman]

She don't want you, so leave her alone.

[adro_is_hurting]

I feel for you man. I was with a girl for over 3 yrs, then she dumped me. We were both really in love with each other, but she just changed. Being in a relationship wasn't as important to her anymore as before. I was the only one putting in work to make the relationship work (for full details read my question thread). This caused a lot of heart ache for me, but I really wanted to be with her and make it work. I wanted to end it a lot of times but never did because I wanted to be with her so bad. Then she wants a "break." I was just like you, wanted to still be with her no matter what. But she didn't want that.

Breaks prolong the heartache and false hope, so at least this girl is being straight up with you telling you what she wants. At least you won't be in limbo for x amount of time. Ts true that girls don't like needy guys, the less attention you give her the better. Go no contact 100%. It'll show that you are strong and don't need her. Funny thing is, girls want that. Its natural to think about her all the time after recently being dumped, but don't let her see. Its OK to think about her, want her back, cry over her and everything, but don't let her see. But think about it man, do you really want her back??

Im going to tell you my a little of my story about my ex I was talking about earlier. It took months for me to make progress getting over her. I went NC but broke it, then went NC then broke it again , etc. I wanted to get back with her so bad, and it hurt every time she told me/i saw that she didn't want that. It hurt so bad knowing that she was having the time of her life without me. It hurt so bad looking at her FB pix, esp the ones with other guys. It really hurt knowing she was out and about, not thinking of me, when all I was doing was sitting at home crying for her, wishing she would come back. One day I had enough and started the recovery process. I went NC 100% so I wouldn't know what she was doing and so she wouldn't know what I was doing. I started going out more and focusing on me, started to be myself again. I ignored her completely. When I did this, she started to try to contact me more, but I held strong and didn't give in. At least for awhile...

During this, I met another girl. She really liked me, and I really liked her. I knew I wasn't ready to go into a relationship, but I wanted to show up my ex, so me and the new girl started dating. When my ex found out, she went crazy. Constantly calling me, texting me, facebooking me, anything and everything she could do. Her FB statuses were always something sad and directed towards me. I held strong for awhile, but I gave in eventually, because I wasn't 100% over her yet. We met up to talk because she wanted to explain why she went on the break. After a lot of yelling and arguing we started kissing, and we ended up sleeping together. It felt so good because it felt like everything was back to the way it was before. We told each other we loved each other, wanted to be with each other forever. We started talking more and more and seeing each other more and more. After a month of cheating on my new girlfriend, I left her. I left her to get back with my ex. Worse mistake I ever made. My ex told me she wanted to be with me, but not right now. She says she loves me and wants to get married and have my children, but not now. I treat her like my girlfriend, she treats me like a friend with benefits who she loves. Not a boyfriend. I was back at square one but worse. Before, I wanted to be with her but she was gone. Now, I want to be with her and she's around, we act like were together when we hang out, but when I leave or am not around her, I'm just another friend. And that feels a lot worse then not having her around. Its like being teased, at least with her not around you can move on and get over her.

Learn from my mistakes. Let her go. If she comes back then really think if you want to get back with her. Really really think about it. Someone who was shown they can just walk away from the relationship once, can do it again. The first time is always hard for anything, it gets easier after that in whatever you do. That includes her leaving again. She's right, you deserve someone better. The fantasy that you two will get back together and be like it was before isn't reality. Trust me. My ex came back, and I would do anything to go back in tim and not have taken her back. I suggest you focus on you right now. Don't jump into anything until you are 100% ready. Go NC 100%. Not knowing what she's doing hurts, but trust me, knowing everything that she's doing is going to hurt more. Come back to this site anytime, it really helped me get through my tough time. Good luck mam, keep us updated.

[messinger]

Hey (agian)
I thank you all for the help I really appreciate all the help :) I've been much better now taking the advice I've been able to mostly stop thinking about her even though I have to "interact" with her every day... if you don't mind I have one more question... my ex- (-_-) is having some serious problems... I want to help as a friend right? Because I'm still a important friend to her but seeing her hurting... I just can't stand it I really care about her and she's making very stupid mistakes.. I want to put my arm around her when I see her crying or depressed I have to use all my will power not to... before and when we were together I could really anything.. but as her ex- I don't know where my boundaries are I'm not sure how to help... I want to so much and I don't want to be the friend who just stands there and not doing anything.. any help would be very greatly appreciated :) please and thanks

[Alty]

It's hard to be friends with an ex. I am friends with many of mine, but it didn't happen right after we broke up. It took years. Heck, with one ex it took almost 12 years for us to reconnect as just friends.

You're not ready to be just friends with this girl. You still care about her. That's great, but you don't care about her as a friend, and that will only do you harm.

It sounds selfish, but right now you can't think about her problems, you have to think about you and how you can move forward. She cannot expect you to be there for her whenever she has a problem. That's no longer your job. You're not her boyfriend.

This is the hard part. For your own good, steer clear of anything that will make her rely on you, or make you feel uncomfortable. Tell her that you're not ready to just be a friend. You care about her, you don't like to see her suffer, but right now you cannot be there for her as just a friend, so you have to walk away for your own good.

[talaniman]

The hardest thing we do I think, is to make that decision to let go. Staying as a friend right now, only stops a proper healing for you both. Recognize that, when you want to break NO CONTACT!

Even when she breaks it, at least one of you has to know the right thing to do for you both. That sir, is being a real friend. That's thinking with your brain, and not your heart. You have to let go an let her make her mistakes, and learn from them.

[messinger]

I screwed up.. I was going to leave her and just go to other people but then she said she wanted to talk to me so I said sure and we walked than sat down in the hall and she told me that she "****ed up" and when bad things happen she pushes the people closest to her away... so this ended with us kissing I really don't know what to do now... I still really like her but is this the smart thing for me to do?

[answerme_tender]

Okay so she kissed you. Did she say anything about getting back together? If she didn't then don't to anything. She needs to come to you and ask you to take her back. Otherwise just keep acting like your okay with the break.

[talaniman]

She kissed you and what was the conversation? What did you say?

[messinger]

Well th conversation just basically started with her saying she mested up and she still wanted to be with me I said pre much that people make mistakes and there are always solutions if you look for them... I thought this conversation pre much solved most of my problems but I just found out that she was makung out with some guy 2days before this because she wanted some exsitement I don't no f this is true because this is from only one of my friends who apparintly she's telling all this this to I really don't no what to do... as usual help would be apprichated...

[talaniman]

I find it simply amazing that when she says she wants to be with you that you, didn't ask her when, and how!! But one thing I will say, unless you ask questions, and get answers, then its hard to know what should be done.


Just me, I would have to stop letting this female be such a major focus of your life, until its clear she is as focused as you are, and I would have other things to do, and people to see, rather than waste a lot of time over someone who was clearly going in circles, and keep you confused.

One of the major things that keep us confused about partners, or exes is trying to figure out what they mean, or is there hopes they feel like you do about the relationship. Half the time we cannot see that them keeping us confused is, an attempt at keeping our attention for when they have nothing else going on.

That's where you are sitting at, being there when she needs something, and can't get it anywhere else, so back off to a safe distance, and see reality. Then you will know what to do about your situation.

She misses you, and wants to be with you are her words, but are they her actions as well?? Pay attention to more than just your feelings about her, and the desire to keep her in your life, because that's what is distracting you from seeing what she is really doing, or saying for that matter.

[88sunflower]

As I see this your nothing but a yo-yo to her. When she yanks your string you come high tailing back. How does that feel?

You said she was making out with someone two days ago. Is this "someone" her problem and troubles now? Did he use her and break her heart. She is feeling down so she came to her one support because she knows no matter what your there?

Let me ask you went no contact 100% before. Why are you not doing this now? Can't you see what this is doing to you? Is the pain worth it? She only wants you around when no one else is there for her. Don't be her fall back guy. Your never going to get ahead that way. Even if things work out and your back on and life is wonderful won't you always wonder when she will want another break? Don't wear yourself down like this. Move on. Like Alty said in the very first post we have all been there and it sucks big time. But you will move past this and look back with humor even. You will grow stronger day by day. You just need to make that choice to make today the day to start growing. You can do it and we are here to watch you.

[messinger]

OK its been a long way for since the first question... I want to thank you all who posted answers. If you want to know the outcome this is what I've decided to do... I was talking to one of the many frieds that me and my ex- share in the end I told her about "messinger" she read it... she explained stuff to me that I had no idea about turns out I was wrong so basically I'm going to get back with my ex- but first imgoing to give us time to think about every thing after when every thing is fine I'm going to try to get things as they were before... once again I thank you all I really couldn't of done it with out you I really needed someone to tell this to... au revoir :)

[mashpotatos]

As one of your best friends (try and guess who this is) I say talk to her. Tell her how you feel. When you talked did she mention getting back together?

[messinger]

Yes she did mention getting back together more than mention she "said" she did. (Heidi?)

[mashpotatos]

When you make your decision, try calling her to talk about it. And yeah

[messinger]

I was going to do it at lunch like last time... but if that's smarter, I was thinking in person would be better...

[mashpotatos]

That's is a good idea