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Juiicy · Jan 20, 2007, 04:21 PM

I am a 21 year old girl going out with a 24 year old guy for 2yrs. He says he Loves me and I love him, but sometimes I get scared because I feel that he is going to cheat on me.

The reason I feel that way is because when we go out to bars.. he gets drunk and starts complementing other women about their physical features, he starts talking 2 other girls, looking at other girls and it just annoys me!!

Sometimes I tell him to please stop [begging] and he just won't.. all he says is 'You are making me look bad in front of my friends' oohhh But if I were to do something like that he would just leave me.

He sometimes goes out with his friends without me.. and if he acts the way he does when I am with him.. I just can't imagine how he acts when I am not there.

Is he a potential cheater?? :(

Any Comments would be great.. Thanks

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 20, 2007, 04:33 PM

He does not sound like a very mature 24 year old. I am 26 and I can tell you that I was more mature than the way you describe he is when I was 21. I don't think it is right what he does in front of you if you have actually told him that it bothers you. My ex used to do things like this, she used to say things like, "he's fit" and we would just laugh it off, both of us and I would just do the same but I would not flirt and neither would she as this is one step too far. It never became an issue because we both trusted one another and we knew where the line was. If it becomes a problem and you communicate that you feel uncomfortable with comments that he makes, then he should stop. Evidently he does not and is taking it to another level and trying to make you out to be some kind of prude when you are not. Yes, I expect you are somewhat insecure in a mild way, but he is giving you every reason to feel uncomfortable. Is he a potential cheater? It is hard to say and I don't want to say either way because I really don't know much about him from what you have wrote here. I think he may be a tad immature and that is my first impression of him from what you write. There is nothing wrong with appreciating the opposite sex for being attractive but there are boundaries and communication is the best way to establish where the line is. I believe that appreciating the physical beauty of someone outside of your relationship is as far as it should go and I hate cheaters, they don't deserve to be in a relationship. I don't think you are at fault here, I am not saying he is a cheater but he does need to respect you and respect what you feel uncomfortable with and to be quite frank, I think your thoughts and feelings here are completely justified. Maybe I am off base but I doubt it. I really think he lacks respect for you and possibly he may be taking you for granted. Talk to him, tell him about your concerns, if he does not listen, he is not worth it...

Fr_Chuck · Jan 20, 2007, 04:40 PM

This is a very good example of why people should not drink in excess.

Many men are "lovers" when they start drinking others are "fighters" when they drink.

Some get paranoid of others.

It does not mean he will cheat, unless he is drunk and alone, I would say if he addresses his drinking, there is little to worry about

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 20, 2007, 04:45 PM

He could just be a flirt and sometimes there is nothing wrong with this as long as no lines are breached. Alcohol is a big influence on how people behave and this could be a defining factor in why he does what he does. The problem with alcohol also is that it can lead oneself to cross such lines. It is all down to the individual if this is going to happen really. I would not make to big an issue of it unless you have concrete evidence that something is happening as it may all be harmless but I do believe in TRUST and COMMUNICATION in any healthy relationship...

These two things are so important. Without them, you don't really have a relationship.

Juiicy · Jan 20, 2007, 04:58 PM

He is a Flirt.. But sometimes it is just too much.. and he just pushes me to the edge. I start to be very mean to him.. and call him names.. I just wish he could listen to me. I am not trying to be controlling or anything but it makes me feel so sad at times that he does not respect me, like you said. He says he knows what he does when he is under the influence.. and he wouldn't cheat on me. I beg to differ.. When I am with him and he is drunk.. the next day... I ask him if he remembers something and he says 'no, really, I didn't say that'.. things like that..

Thank you for responding

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 20, 2007, 05:05 PM

I really think it is alcohol driven and you can't cast out assumptions of what you think may happen when he has given no concrete indication that he would cheat. He does not sound like he has anything to hide but he does seem to be as I say, a bit immature and perhaps takes the drinking a bit too far. I would never do what he does in front of my woman, neither behind her back as I believe in respect but then I am probably a completely different person to him and what he perceives as reasonable behavior. If you are really uncomfortable with it, I would tell him in a casual but assertive way that it does not make you feel good. Don't push it too much though, sometimes one can push another away by being too insecure and needy. Like I say, I don't personally think you are the problem, I think that the biggest culprit here is Alcohol and his male ego to impress his friends... Again an indication of his immaturity!

Juiicy · Jan 20, 2007, 05:16 PM

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I really think it is alcohol driven and you can't cast out assumptions of what you think may happen when he has given no concrete indication that he would cheat. He does not sound like he has anything to hide but he does seem to be as I say, a bit immature and perhaps takes the drinking a bit too far. I would never do what he does in front of my woman, neither behind her back as I believe in respect but then I am probably a completely different person to him and what he perceives as reasonable behavior. If you are really uncomfortable with it, I would tell him in a casual but assertive way that it does not make you feel good. Don't push it too much though, sometimes one can push another away by being too insecure and needy. Like I say, I don't personally think you are the problem, I think that the biggest culprit here is Alcohol and his male ego to impress his friends....Again an indication of his immaturity!!

I think that I am insecure and I can be a little bit dramatic at times when it comes to telling him to stop. If he won't listen to me.. I just start to cry and he just gets more pissed off. I am a very sensitive girl and I cry over anything. This is my first relationship therefore I have no experiences to look back @.. to determine if this relationship is a healthy one.

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 20, 2007, 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by Juiicy

I think that i am insecure and i can be a little bit dramatic at times when it comes to telling him to stop. If he won't listen to me.. i just start to cry and he just gets more pissed off. I am a very sensitive girl and i cry over anything. This is my first relationship therefore i have no experiences to look back @ .. to determine if this relationship is a healthy one.

At least you recognise your weaknesses. This is the first step to becoming a healthy person and when you are able to step back and recognise faults within yourself, it is at this point you can make changes and begin to improve and work on any issues or insecurities you might have. If this is your first real relationship, then yes, it is all quite new to you and a few years down the line, you will have the knowledge and experience to deal with situations like this in the future. I don't want to sound patronising and hope that you don't take it like this, but have you ever considered counseling? There is nothing wrong with this and it does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. We could all benefit from this at some times in life and speaking to a professional may help you deal with your emotions. It is quite a lot to ask someone to place all your issues onto another person and perhaps he finds it hard to deal with or at least understand. Remember, you are two different people with different backgrounds and history. Your sensitivity and insecurity may be well founded based on your past albeit it could just be an integral part of who you are but most insecurity is based on things from the past and how we compare our current situation to what happened in our past. I hope that makes sense and again I may be off base but consider everything I have said...

Take Care!

natasha3 · Jan 20, 2007, 06:52 PM

The most important aspect of any relationship is trust and if you don't have that completely nailed down it will make everything so much harder. You feel what you feel for a reason and if he really cared about your feelings he would do his best to respect those feelings. Don't settle. You've told him how you feel and if he doesn't change then you can do better. I know its easier said than done but Ive been there. Life is so short and so precious. If your not 100% sure then move on because whatever is meant to be will be and if you are meant to be with him then maybe you will hook up later once he has matured and realizes that you are more important than his image or other women

talaniman · Jan 21, 2007, 08:15 AM

He is a drunk that behaves badly. Will he cheat? I doubt if he will be sober enough to make good decisions. You cannot help him, and maybe you should cut your loses and save the heartache he is, and will continue sending you through.

Juiicy · Jan 21, 2007, 08:21 AM

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

At least you recognise your weaknesses. This is the first step to becoming a healthy person and when you are able to step back and recognise faults within yourself, it is at this point you can make changes and begin to improve and work on any issues or insecurities you might have. If this is your first real relationship, then yes, it is all quite new to you and a few years down the line, you will have the knowledge and experience to deal with situations like this in the future. I don't want to sound patronising and hope that you don't take it like this, but have you ever considered counseling? There is nothing wrong with this and it does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. We could all benefit from this at some times in life and speaking to a professional may help you deal with your emotions. It is quite a lot to ask someone to place all your issues onto another person and perhaps he finds it hard to deal with or at least understand. Remember, you are two different people with different backgrounds and history. Your sensitivity and insecurity may be well founded based on your past albeit it could just be an integral part of who you are but most insecurity is based on things from the past and how we compare our current situation to what happened in our past. I hope that makes sense and again I may be off base but consider everything I have said...

Take Care!!

Thank you so much. You are completely correct.. You have helped so much!
Everyone!

Thanks you

Juiicy · Jan 21, 2007, 08:31 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

He is a drunk that behaves badly. Will he cheat? I doubt if he will be sober enough to make good decisions. You cannot help him, and maybe you should cut your loses and save the heartache he is, and will continue sending you thru.

HE is a drunk.. but when he is not, he is the sweetest person in the world!
I do believe in giving people chances, and I would hate leaving him because I do Love him.

I know what I've gotten myself into and Only time will tell.

Thanks.

momincali · Jan 22, 2007, 12:10 PM

Juicy, it bothers me that you are satisfied with him being sweet when he's sober. I believe in giving people chances too, but it seems that all you are giving this guy a chance to do is hurt you. If you have told him point blank that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and he's not willing to change then he is telling you that his self-satisfaction is more important than how you feel. I would take serious offense to some drunk idiot in a bar complementing my nice physical features while his girlfriend watched on. He'd probably end up with my drink in his face.

I know you know what you've gotten yourself into, what's disheartening is that you would settle for receiving so little good and so much disrespect. For 26, is he rather immature.

Some say there's nothing wrong with a little innocent flirting, as long as both parties agree it's not hurtful to the other. He knows he can keep doing as he pleases because you will just stay there and take it like a good little doormat. Don't ever be anyone's door mat.

Juiicy · Jan 23, 2007, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by momincali

Juicy, it bothers me that you are satisfied with him being sweet when he's sober. I believe in giving people chances too, but it seems that all you are giving this guy a chance to do is hurt you. If you have told him point blank that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and he's not willing to change then he is telling you that his self-satisfaction is more important than how you feel. I would take serious offense to some drunk idiot in a bar complementing my nice physical features while his girlfriend watched on. He'd probably end up with my drink in his face.

I know you know what you've gotten yourself into, what's disheartening is that you would settle for receiving so little good and so much disrespect. For 26, is he rather immature.

Some say there's nothing wrong with a little innocent flirting, as long as both parties agree it's not hurtful to the other. He knows he can keep doing as he pleases because you will just stay there and take it like a good little doormat. Don't ever be anyone's door mat.

Thanks for your imput. I am really going to think about what I am going to do with this relationship.

talaniman · Jan 23, 2007, 11:09 AM

Just something to think about. You cannot help an alcoholic unless you leave him to his own fate. Only he can help himself , IF he wants to. Otherwise that sweet guy when he is sober will drag you down when he is drunk. He is already making you unhappy when he drinks and it gets worse not better.

Emerald19 · May 21, 2007, 09:55 PM

Hes only doing what you allow him to do. If he acts like that when he is with you then you can damn sure no he is wilden the out when your not with him. Yeah people flirt but when he derespect you like that in front of people then he really isn't the one for you. That is really not cool and it don't show that he give a damn about you as a woman. If someone was doing that to him mom while he was there he would trip the out. So why do it to you. But I'm sure it will be hard to let go because its been 2 years but sit down and make a list of all the pros and the cons of the relationship and see what out weighs the other. That will really let you know what to do

missbeach123 · May 22, 2007, 04:04 AM

Ew sounds like a jerk. Yeah he'll cheat. Sorry, but I'm starting to be a bit of a cynic, but a good determiner of whether guys cheat is a their options. And his attitude doesn't really say, "Hey ladies, I'm taken" and throw in alcohol and single buddies he's with, UH. Yeah it's a maturity thing, but lots of 24 year olds act 19 it seems lately. Loose the jerk, he's not even trying to hide his wandering eye, not saying he'll act on anything while you THERE, but your right, he's probably spitting game when your not there. What happened to complimently you? God I want to smack him.

One more thing, yeah Its true he may not, and I'm sorry if I'm freaking you out, but he's not really being all that sensitive in the first place, so even if he stops doing it in front of you, he seems pretty persistent with all this flirting. And guys flirt for an ego boost, but what if one of those girls he's flirting with is a whore and takes it further? So he's going to say, Uh sorry, I only wanted to flirt?! NO, he might do more. Uh don't take the insensitivity, get a guy who compliments you and when he flirts, he does it rarely and directs the attention back to you quickly after as to make you feel like you're the most important to him.

cely05819 · May 22, 2007, 08:54 AM

Do you speak to him about it at other times, like when he's sober and his friends aren't around? My hubby does the same thing but it doesn't bother me. We've been together for a long time and I totally trust him (going back to what Natasha3 said). Since I trust him I think it's funny when he behaves this way. In our relationship, the coin flips both ways so (being the tenacious flirt that I am) I do very much the same thing. It gives us the excitement of flirting and interacting with other attractive people of the opposite sex without actually doing something that would be crossing bounds.

If you do not like it and he has set rules that are different for you than for him, I'd have something to say. Discussing it with him at the moment will not be of any help. If he's drunk he's not actually hearing what you're saying, you have to wait until you're alone and he's sober. It doesn't have to be some big ordeal, just tell him "Dude, last night you were all over that chick, maybe you should think about pulling back a little bit, I'm starting to think you're looking for my replacement."

If you feel that you are in love with him and want to have a future with him it's important to get these issues worked out NOW!

Good luck!

Sdjosh · May 22, 2007, 09:06 AM

That's just plain disrespect! That is BS! Don't put up with it. If he can't control himself when he is drunk then he either needs to regulate how much he drinks or stop all together.

ceriphante · May 22, 2007, 09:26 AM

The other thing to bear in mind is this.. how would he respond if you were to do the same thing back to him so like to start talking to other guys.. maybe next time he does his little attentionseeking routine (which is what it sounds like) in a bar in front of you, ignore it, start talking to other guys and see where that goes.. but be warned it could be the end of your relationship because he probably wouldn't like the taste of the betrayal of trust or emotional agony that he makes you endure (usually the case) and it might dent his ego to the point he'll split with you which.. ultimately from what you've explained I think you'd be better off without him and with someone that is a bit more sensitive to what a relationship is about and how to nurture and grow trust with a partner, believe it or not some of us guys do know how to treat a lady properly.

Regardless of how things go tis just a matter of time before you discover the happiness you deserve!
Take care!