[rpdw22]

My ex and I were best friends for a year and then together on and off for three years. Im 22 and he's 24. He hasn't been working or going to school for a while but wants to settle down (live together and have a family). I feel like if you want to settle down, get your life together now so you can be able to do those things. We were getting on each others nerves for a bit and he breaks up with me saying how he loves me but needs to be away from me right now, how even though he has a good woman who does everything for him he's still not happy, how he needs some space, and needs to be with someone else to figure things out in his head. He was kind of a jerk to me on and off so he also said he needed to see if he could be a good boyfriend in general and how four years with me he was stuck in his ways so he needs to see if its me or him. He has a new girlfriend now. His girlfriend is 30 has a car and a place of her own, so he pretty much sleeps over there and lives over there now. But yet after days with no contact, hell contact me and tell me how much he misses me and how he's not unhappy with the new girl but she just isn't me. He even tells me how one time he was with her and the song Time by Neyo came on the radio and it was his first time hearing it and he said how time just stopped and he thought about me and how dumb he is and how much in his corner I was. And yet he says how if were meant to be together, well be. I feel like since we were together for so long the next steps would be to move in together and such but yet were still young and not capable yet so he's taking refuge in what this older woman has to offer. Its only been a month and already she's saying how she's deeply in love with him. I don't want to pressure him to make up his mind but if he can realize these things, why won't he come back yet? What's his deal? What should I do? Should I stick to no contact for a while just so we each can see what we really want? I do know that I still love him and I believe he still loves me, I just feel like were stuck, I duno.

[redhed35]

He's living with someone else,he's having sex with someone else,he likes being a kept man.

Perhaps he is keeping contact with you in case things don't work out in his new pad.

Dump this loser for good.

You deserve more then this rubbish he is offering.

Go no contact and stay no contact,let someone else be his lacky.
You are not important to him you are only an option.

[JDOP]

He's a jerk, he's playing with your feelings. Go No contact, you will notice how he will want to initiate contact more often then

[Devorameira]

Redhead35 is right. He's a loser who just using women.

I'm sure you still care for him, but he has no morals or ambition. You said yourself that he doesn't want to work or go to school. It's obvious that he just wants a woman to keep him, so what kind of future could you have together?

Do yourself a favor and go no contact. Heal then get out in the world and find yourself a man that actually loves you and who wants to work with you toward a future.

[JoeCanada76]

No your ex will not come back and even if he did, you need to say NO. He is a player.

Stop letting him play you and move on.

Its time.

[FoxCash]

He says he needs time and space from you to figure himself and the relationship out, if that was true he wouldn't have done so with an added girlfriend.

He's feeding you lines which at this point are just about working on you. He's not happy with the new girlfriend but is still with her. He misses you but still goes home with this other woman.

I wouldn't bet on him coming back and even if he does it would only be when the new girlfriend finds out about what he's saying to you or kicks him to the curb. He may in the end give her the same lines he's giving you. Telling her he needs space from their relationship and bounce back to you.

Only he knows if he is planning to come back or not. But you need to get where you don't want him to come back. You deserve a lot more than he is giving you. If he left to get space from the relationship and stayed single, things might be different but sadly, he didn't.

I agree that you should start NC. But not for a little while or temporarily but completely. It's the good times that are keeping you tied to the want of him returning.

Take some time out for yourself and eventually someone will come along who knows how to treat you better.

[rpdw22]

See that's what I'm confused about
@ redhead 35-a kept man in what sense? He's wanted kids and a family since a young age and when I got pregnant and didn't keep it, that also caused a gigantic rift between us.

@jdop-i agree. I don't contact him. I let him come to me. He hits me up and sometimes he gets angry, asking me why I left him? If I truly cared about him I wouldn't leave his life, that at least wed try to be friends for now since we were best friends before-but I cant.

@devorameira- you misunderstood me. He does want to go back its just been difficult finding work. So he's been working on call here and there. For the first two yrs of our relationship, he was the one working and going to school, and supporting me. Then he lost his job and scholarship and the tables turned.

@foxcash-i agree. But I've heard sometimes it takes being with someone else to realize what he had or what you're giving up. And it does seem the time he's been with he's realizing how stupid he's been to let me go.

Overall, they say if you love someone, you let them go and if they come back they were yours for sure. I feel like since he wasn't happy with himself not working and in school, he took that as me causing his unhappiness. His relationship with his parents is also a bit strained-his mother is a party girl and he says how can he ever truly love someone when the one woman he is supposed to truly love is a hoe? Bottomline I know he has issues lol I just hate how I was never confused about my feelings and thoughts before and now I am.

But thanks guys for all your help :)


Also @foxcash he loves being in relationships-doesnt like being alone. I think he thought he wasn't making me happy and didn't deserve me so instead of being the man I needed him to be he runs off to this girl who doesn't know him and can get away with his antics. He said he wasn't unhappy with her-meaning he's OK with the girl but I guess upon comparing he's realizing how she's not me. He says she shows too much affection (which he was begging me for) and how the affection coming from her is like a bad taste in his mouth.

[redhed35]

Could you clarify 'hits you up'.

If he wanted to sort himself out,look for work etc,he can do that while he was in the relationship with you,but he did'nt,he left you and shacked up with someone else.

Do you think these are the actions of a man who loves you? Who respects you?

No,there not.

My advice is move on from this guy.

Although I doubt you will.

When he has made you suffer enough,hurt you enough perhaps then.

Your looking to justify his actions,but there the actions of a jerk.

There is only one person important to this guy and that's himself.

[FoxCash]

they say if you love someone, you let them go and if they come back they were yours for sure.

While that may be true, you never let him go. You're still communicating with him, still wasting away your time and happiness hoping he will come back. You need to 100% actually let him go. No contact, and not just for a short time but completely. Ignore him, move on and begin to live your life.

That is letting him go.

I'm very sorry for the situation you are in and that you now are confused with your feelings. You should know that the people who are responding to you actually care and are not just here to bash "the man". Some have been there and those who are outside of a situation can see what those who are in it cannot.

I understand that you love him, and believe that he still loves you. However, you need to look at the type of man you are holding on to. He is in a relationship with someone who loves him (it doesn't matter why type of woman she is). He is in a RELATIONSHIP. And still cannot be true to that relationship. He is calling you on the side, telling you he messed up and still loves you. That's not fair to this other woman. He is putting his needs before anyone. Clearly showing he only cares about himself.

If he didn't he would break up with this woman and allow her to find someone who actually cares for her and loves her. He would take time to be alone to figure out what he wants not test it out in another relationship only to drag someone else along in this mess and hurt them the way you're hurt as well. Him saying "If you cared about me you'd stay in my life" clearly shows just how selfish he is and how little he is caring about you.

From your responses it sounds like you're doing what you can to defend him. But when you begin to defend yourself and your feelings? This isn't love. You may love him but I am sorry he doesn't love you. As long as you are there to answer the phone he always has a back up plan, a safety net for when he grows tired of this new girlfriend or gets kicked out.

So I agree, let him go. Completely. And begin to move on in your life not worrying about if he is coming back or not. Not answering the phone calls or hearing about how many mistakes he's made and is doing nothing about it. Hopefully, by the time you are able to fully let him go you will realize you don't care if he comes back or not.

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to FoxCash again.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to redhed35 again.

If all you say is true, he will comeback with his act together (which I doubt) and his words and actions will match, and he won't have another female he is using, and cheating on.

That can only happen once you have actually let him go and started to rebuild a life that you enjoy without him. That's REALLY LETTING GO!

Until then, you will never have clear, realistic thought about this fellow, and will be trapped in FALSE HOPE, and excuses that make no sense to anyone but YOU.

He is a loser, and its up to him to change, and be a winner, and learn the right way to treat himself, and others. Now let him go, and cease all contact from him because it's a fact that he is cheating with the new girl, with YOU! Don't be a party to his bad behavior for any reason whatsoever.

[Homegirl 50]

Your ex is not only lazy and a user he is also a cheater. He is living with and off this woman and talking to you. I would venture to say he was probably talking to her before he left you.
Use your brains and not your heart.
Walk away and stay away.

[rpdw22]

I'm going to try to let him go guys.

After having someone in your life for four years it kind of sucks for things to turn out this way.

But thanks for all the advice. :) now I just need help on sticking with no contact. I can go days without contacting him and ill feel OK but as soon as he does contact me, ill answer and go crashing right back to square 1.

[kaka67]

Why would you even want him back?

If he wanted to be with you he would. None of this "i gotta find myself bulls**t". All I hear is blah, blah, blah. All talk and no action.

Do you really want to be his back up plan when it doesn't work out with the other girl?

Find yourself a real man. Your being played.

[Jake2008]

You call his mother a 'hoe'? Not a nice judgment to make on anybodys mother.

That being said, I don't want to burst your bubble here, but this isn't about him, and, as your quesiton says, "will my ex come back".

This is about you, and only you. I get the impression that you are predicting that he will grow weary of his older girlfriend, and her car, house, food, sex, etc. and give it up because he 'loves' you.

This version of love you are accepting of, why?

His version is being taken care of, and the more he has and gets from a woman, the more in love he is. He'd be downright beside himself with love if you could have offered what the new woman has. Call him up and tell him you just won the lottery and I can guarantee you that he'll be more in love with you than you can imagine.

I don't know why you would settle for seconds. He chose another woman, for whatever reason, over you. He feeds you so much bullsh** that a bull would blush.

IF his new girlfriend gets weary of also 'taking care of him', and tosses him, I get the impression that you'd welcome him with open arms, a nice dinner, and a foot rub.

And to top it off, think that he came back because he 'loved' you after all.

This is not love. This is a desperate attempt to hold onto a dream with a man, that is never going to happen in my opinion. You are settling for far less for yourself than you could be. Why do you set your sites so low, and accept such boorish behaviour from him is beyond my understanding.

Love will not happen on the rebound from a cheater who cannot stand on his own two feet. He will call it love, because that is what you want to hear. He knows that if he keeps you hanging on, with the possibility of getting back together again, you will just lap that up, and most incredibly, bank your whole life, and your whole future on what he says and does.

I don't think you should be settling for crumbs. I'd sweep up those crumbs he tosses your way to keep you interested, and toss them in the garbage.

What would you constitute as 'the end' of a relationship, when clearly you don't see that it has run its course now.

My best advise to you, is not to keep justifying his bad behaviour, as a reason for you to stay. You can sugarcoat it all you like, but the bottom line here, is that your pride, if nothing else, should get you past this relationship, because it is, in fact, over.

[wonderlife]

NC is hard... Breaking up is always painful, especially for the one who has been dumped. All the pain and hurt seems to be endless and sometimes you might even ask yourself if you will finally get through it.

I CHOOSE to move on after being dumped. My ex is not a good person and never really cared about me. It's still very hard and also painful sometimes. But I keep telling myself, if lot of people can do it and finally achieve the point where they totally get over their ex and live their live happily, why can't I do it?

Stay strong... tell yourself that you can do it!

[Homegirl 50]

If he contacts you, you don't answer the phone. Yo don't respond to texts or e-mail. You decide that you will no longer be used.
But first you need to admit this guy is a creep and a user and stop making excuses for his funky behavior. Until you do that your heart will be a revolving door for him.