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jessickah12712 · Jul 20, 2010, 11:25 AM

Hi everyone. 1st I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this and to reply. Thank you soooo much.

I have been with my man for 3yrs and 4mns. We lived together for 3yrs n 1mn and we have one conjoined BANK acct. he has his own acct and is trying to literally force me to add my name on it because he feels couples should SHARE EVERYTHING. OK so I opened my very own acct with only my name on it and he is upset and threatened to leave me if I didn't put his name on it so I said he should leave. He hasn't asked me what I want to do and feels that by me having my own acct will make it that much easier to leave him one day. He has full access to my acct and I don't need to hide anything from him. All of our money goes into our conjoined acct and every week I move at least 50 to his acct and 50 to my acct. so why aren't I allowed to have my own money? Today he asked me "so what are u going to do? add me on ur acct or cancel it?" then he suggest I conjoin all of our accts which altogether will be 3 bank accts with our names on it which to me sounds silly. I'm scared to tell him "hey im keeping my own acct" but I don't know because when we 1st got together I had my own acct with citibank and everyday he asked me to put his name on it and I don't know why he needs to be on everythng I have. I just like knowing that I am an individual person and not considered "one" with him but he isn't understanding that and just thinks I'm trying to hide things from him. I really need so advice help! I don't know if this makes a difference but he gets paid more than me and he ALWAYS asks before spending any kind of money being that I handle all the finances. He barely deals with our money ever so I know he isn't trying to "steal" the money or anything like that. He's just the type of guy that likes it to be him and me on everything

Homegirl 50 · Jul 20, 2010, 12:10 PM

I don't think I'd put any man's name on anything unless I was married to him.
I also don't see why you cannot have your own little stash if that makes you feel secure. I did and my husband was not bothered by it at all. Your having your own little bit of money is not going to make you want to leave him, if you want to leave, you're going to do it anyway.
I don't know him, but it sounds like an issue of control to me, but that is just me.
If he is wanting to give up a 3 year relationship over the name or the lack thereof on a bank account there may be some other issues there.
How old are the both of you?

martinizing2 · Jul 20, 2010, 12:18 PM

You have every right to manage your finances and hold an account in your name.
If you had previously agreed to do otherwise I could a problem.

Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty. Ask him if he doesn't trust you. If not then it is time for a major re evaluation of the relationship.
If he does trust you then having an account to yourself should not be an issue.

Never let someone force you do to something that there is no logical reason for. This can be the start of how a control freak takes over your life until you can do nothing he doesn't want you to.

Consider this a red flag and watch for controlling behavior.
That can ruin your life and relationship.

Be strong and do what you think is best for you.

I wish you well

JudyKayTee · Jul 20, 2010, 01:24 PM

I don't speak text speak so part of this is confusing to me - you lived with him for 3 years and 4 minutes? I assume you mean months.

I wouldn't put anything in joint names unless we were married and perhaps not even then.

Good advice from everyone so far.

Cat1864 · Jul 20, 2010, 01:48 PM

Please do not use chat speak. It against site rules. From the Terms of Service (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.ph...aq_faq_rules):

Use the best English you are capable of. "Chat speak", all caps, lack of punctuation, etc. can be annoying, and will frequently result in the post being either unanswered or removed.

Is your name on 'his' account?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this like adults. Talk and listen to each other. Find out why he is so adamant about being on your account.

It does sound very controlling. Just because you handle the money doesn't mean that he couldn't open another account without your knowledge and transfer all funds into it IF he felt it was a way to hold on to you.

If he is insecure, that is his problem if you haven't given him any reason to be concerned (for example cheated on him). Trying to reassure an insecure person doesn't work because he/she takes that as proof you are up to something. Counseling can help if he is open to it. However, he has to be the one who wants to make the change. If he isn't and continues to threaten to leave if you don't do what he wants, pack your bags, remove your part of the money from the joint account, and leave. It is only going to get worse.

jessickah12712 · Jul 20, 2010, 02:47 PM

Originally Posted by martinizing2

You have every right to manage your finances and hold an account in your name.
If you had previously agreed to do otherwise I could a problem.

Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty. Ask him if he doesn't trust you. If not then it is time for a major re evaluation of the relationship.
If he does trust you then having an account to yourself should not be an issue.

Never let someone force you do to something that there is no logical reason for. This can be the start of how a control freak takes over your life until you can do nothing he doesn't want you to.

Consider this a red flag and watch for controlling behavior.
That can ruin your life and relationship.

Be strong and do what you think is best for you.

I wish you well

May I email you please?

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Please do use chat speak. It against site rules. From the Terms of Service (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.ph...aq_faq_rules):

Is your name on 'his' account?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this like adults. Talk and listen to each other. Find out why he is so adamant about being on your account.

It does sound very controlling. Just because you handle the money doesn't mean that he couldn't open another account without your knowledge and transfer all funds into it IF he felt it was a way to hold on to you.

If he is insecure, that is his problem if you haven't given him any reason to be concerned (for example cheated on him). Trying to reassure an insecure person doesn't work because he/she takes that as proof you are up to something. Counseling can help if he is open to it. However, he has to be the one who wants to make the change. If he isn't and continues to threaten to leave if you don't do what he wants, pack your bags, remove your part of the money from the joint account, and leave. It is only going to get worse.

I am truly sorry about my text chat. I am capable of perfect english. Sorry again to all. My name is not on his acct because I don't want it on there but he keeps asking me to put my name on it. I am 24yrs old and he will be turning 21 in August

Cat1864 · Jul 20, 2010, 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

may I email you please?

Please keep all contact on the board. It helps keep your story together and makes certain that everyone posting has the same information to work on.

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

i am truly sorry about my text chat. i am capable of perfect english. sorry again to all.

We don't expect perfection. :)

Is he attempting to be this controlling about other areas such as who you are friends with or what you wear? Maybe he's very vocal about not wanting you to go certain places without him?

jessickah12712 · Jul 20, 2010, 03:20 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

We don't expect perfection. :)

Is he attempting to be this controlling about other areas such as who you are friends with or what you wear? Maybe he's very vocal about not wanting you to go certain places without him?

Oh my god yes to all those questions!! He wants to control everything! I control him in certain areas as well like not contacting his exes, wearing seatbelts while driving, not smoking cigarettes, um I pretty much try to stop him from doing things that might get him killed or if it has to do with his health. The only times I tell him something about his clothes is when he comes outside looking like a bum. But he keeps me from talking to certain people, can't wear shirts that show clevage (which I do anyway because its my body) he does try to control a lot

positiveparent · Jul 20, 2010, 03:31 PM

Unless you both stop trying to control each other then you're heading for a hard relationship, its already toxic, you should be able to have your own bank account, both of you not just you, him too, his exs are just that his exs, OK the no smoking parts a good thing, him telling you what you can or can't wear that's bad, and you and he both appear to be digging your heels in over these issues, instead of talking them through like 2 consenting adults in a healthy relationship would.

I think you have control issues both of you need to take time out and talk about them and compromise, or agree to disagree, if you don't then things between you could get seriously abusive in time to come.

Let each other be themselves, it's a relationship you have not an ownership.

You don't own each other. You're sharing a time span, not a jail term...

jessickah12712 · Jul 20, 2010, 03:55 PM

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Unless you both stop trying to control each other then youre heading for a hard relationship, its already toxic, you should be able to have your own bank account, both of you not just you, him too, his exs are just that his exs, ok the no smoking parts a good thing, him telling you what you can or can't wear thats bad, and you and he both appear to be digging your heels in over these issues, instead of talking them through like 2 consenting adults in a healthy relationship would.

I think you have control issues both of you need to take time out and talk about them and compromise, or agree to disagree, if you dont then things between you could get seriously abusive in time to come.

Let each other be themselves, its a relationship you have not an ownership.

You dont own each other. youre sharing a time span, not a jail term...

Hi, we sit down and talk about certain things but it doesn't work. He either ends up yelling or I do. I usually want to sit down and talk but he saids no I'm mad leave me alone. I never gave him a reason to doubt my love for him. I never cheated or snuck around and spoke to any one especially an ex. But he on the other hand continued contact with his ex for 2yrs and now he feels that I will do the same to get back at him. I started something new with him, instead of telling him no you can't do that I tell him why I feel he shouldn't do it. For example he wants to spend $300 on a race wheel for the ps3. OK that's fine but we can't afford it! We are 600 behind on rent and 2 of our bills are behind plus we haven't paid our car insurance and we have to spend more than $1000 to get our car fixed. So he starts telling me he is going to get it and I keep saying no you are not because we canot afford this right now. We can see about getting it in a couple of months when we know it won't effect us. But then he gets mad and saids its my money too. And that's y I decided to make a new acct. this is my plan and I explained it to him. We have 3 bank accts. One is conjoined and its where all of our money is and direct deposits. Every week I transfer something over to both accts and that's "left over" money so he is allowed to spend that money on that acct on whatever he wants. I find it to be a good plan but he sees it as I'm hiding money from him or whatever, but if I honestly let him buy the things he wants we will be living in the streets. Here is a list off all the things he wants for this yr and mind you all we only get paid $489 a week btwn both of us. Rent is 600 a month, phone bill 100 internet 30 cable 70 groceries ill say 150 a week and 100 for his own personal use (food for the week when he is working, cigarettes,beer) and gas for the week maybe 60. OK so that's where all of our money goes and here are the things he wants for 2010

1. $300 race wheel
2. new xbox
3. new ps3
4. turbo for our car (I don't what for. I don't like him speeding which is another issue in our relationship)
5. iPhone 3g ($150 used from a friend)
6. new car
7. flat screen TV (which he bought off his moms credit card for $556)
8. new ps3 games which are at least $60 each
9. iPad (dont know the price but I know its over $300)
10. Bass booster speakers for the car

These are just the topp things he talks about but the list goes on and on and on! I have to "control" him in this area because he is too irresponsible and I enjoying having a roof over my head and a car and food lol

JudyKayTee · Jul 20, 2010, 03:59 PM

How old is he? This is my step-grandson's Christmas list!

Homegirl 50 · Jul 20, 2010, 04:05 PM

So you have been with this young man sine he was 17/18. Maybe he is insecure, has to prove he's in charge since you are older than him.
Has he always been that way or is it since he's about to be 21 he's flexing his muscles.
You two need to sit down and discus things like adults. You are not each other's parents.
Could be he is trying to be grown but has the wrong idea about what being grown means.

jessickah12712 · Jul 20, 2010, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

So you have been with this young man sine he was 17/18. maybe he is insecure, has to prove he's in charge since you are older than him.
Has he always been that way or is it since he's about to be 21 he's flexing his muscles.
You two need to sit down and discus things like adults. You are not each other's parents.
Could be he is trying to be grown but has the wrong idea about what being grown means.

No he has always been this way. The 1st day we met he looked through my text messages and asked me questions about the people I talk to and I asked him to give me the respect of not looking through my fone. I mean its my fault because I should have known by then what kind of person he is. He thinks I'm his mom. We both work but only I clean wash dishes feed the cats clean the litter and go to the market. I'm always cleaning up after him and when I do tell his mom she just laughs and saids men don't do things like that. Um no wrong! My father works more than 40hrs a week and he cooks cleans and goes to the supermarket. At times he doesn't even let my stepmom do anything around the house so idont see why he can't do things for himself. I stopped washing his clothes and doing anything for him and even stopped having sex with him (which is another issue because 3times a week isn't enough for him but oh well) but that just caused more problems and I was tired of looking at molded dishes and a stinky bathroom

Homegirl 50 · Jul 20, 2010, 04:17 PM

It may be time to let the baby go or you will be dealing with this for a very long time.
Instead of saying "no allowance this week" you're saying "no sex"
Cut the apron strings!

jessickah12712 · Jul 20, 2010, 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It may be time to let the baby go or you will be dealing with this for a very long time.
Instead of saying "no allowance this week" you're saying "no sex"
Cut the apron strings!

Yes I say no sex hahahahha I know its petty but just because I am your girl doesn't mean that you get it for free lol. But it just pisses him off even more but I just ignore him until he does what a man is suppose to do

Homegirl 50 · Jul 20, 2010, 04:32 PM

He is still a child and you have let him be one for 3 years, He throws temper tantrums.
It's really on you. You either put up with his childish crap or you say enough and make him grow up.
See how many toys he can buy if he is on his own, paying rent and the whole shebang.

He's not a control freak, he is a spoiled child and you're the indulgent parent who's complaining about her spoiled child.
He does what you have allowed him to do, treats you the way you have allowed him to.

positiveparent · Jul 20, 2010, 04:40 PM

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

hi, we sit down and talk about certain things but it doesnt work. he either ends up yelling or i do. i usually want to sit down and talk but he saids no im mad leave me alone. i never gave him a reason to doubt my love for him. i never cheated or snuck around and spoke to any one especially an ex. but he on the other hand continued contact with his ex for 2yrs and now he feels that i will do the same to get back at him. i started something new with him, instead of telling him no u can't do that i tell him why i feel he shouldnt do it. for example he wants to spend $300 on a race wheel for the ps3. ok thats fine but we can't afford it! we are 600 behind on rent and 2 of our bills are behind plus we havent paid our car insurance and we have to spend more than $1000 to get our car fixed. so he starts telling me he is going to get it and i keep saying no you are not because we canot afford this right now. we can see about getting it in a couple of months when we know it wont effect us. but then he gets mad and saids its my money too. and thats y i decided to make a new acct. this is my plan and i explained it to him. we have 3 bank accts. one is conjoined and its where all of our money is and direct deposits. every wk i transfer something over to both accts and thats "left over" money so he is allowed to spend that money on taht acct on whatever he wants. i find it to be a good plan but he sees it as im hiding money from him or whatever, but if i honestly let him buy the things he wants we will be living in the streets. here is a list off all the things he wants for this yr and mind u all we only get paid $489 a wk btwn both of us. rent is 600 a month, phone bill 100 internet 30 cable 70 groceries ill say 150 a wk and 100 for his own personal use (food for the wk when he is working, cigarettes,beer) and gas for the wk maybe 60. ok so thats where all of our money goes and here are the things he wants for 2010

1. $300 race wheel
2. new xbox
3. new ps3
4. turbo for our car (i dont what for. i dont liek him speeding which is another issue in our relationship)
5. iphone 3g ($150 used from a friend)
6. new car
7. flat screen tv (which he went ahead and bought off his moms credit card for $556)
8. new ps3 games which are atleast $60 each
9. ipad (dont know the price but i kno its over $300)
10. bass booster speakers for the car

these are just the topp things he talks about but the list goes on and on and on! i have to "control" him in this area bcuz he is too irresponsible and i enjoying having a roof over my head and a car and food lol

Do you both work?
I think the above list is very unrealistic. Especially as you say you have rent arrears that should be your first priority, as in pay the rent, and utility bills, get food, and weekly needs, say petrol or fares to work other day to day living expenses, milk bread.
Pay any commitments you have like credit card bills, etc. On time..

Once you've paid these then whatever is left over you could divvy up as in half each, or put to one side in order to buy luxuries at a later date.

I also think that you could maybe do with some debt management counselling sessions, to help you both learn how to budget your money correctly, however never let your rent get into arrears that's the main priority pay that above all and any other things every month or when its due. If you owe arrears do have a word with your landlord and make him an offer to pay off the arrears at so much a month and please stick to that agreement.

You and he have both got to stop this wanting to control each other, you're in a relationship, you don't have the right to demand he do this or that and neither does he, you're adults or in an adult relationship, please stop the control or power struggles and get sensible, talk things through don't make demands either of you. Obviously that doesn't work.

Here's a little advice that could get you working together for once.
How to really listen:
You both agree who is to do the talking first, you then let that person say whatever is on their mind, fully, once the persons finished, wait one minute then the other person replies. Then do same with other person letting them speak without interupting, interupting means you're not listening.

If you two can manage to do this then maybe you'll stop all of this controlling or wanting to control, you're in a relationship, a partnership, and as such you should both be taking each others views and desires into account, not trying to control areas of that relationship, you're not his owner and he's not yours.

His list is totally unrealistic, and sounds as JudyKayTee has already said like someone's christmas wish list, when you're in a relationship you both need to learn how to budget, together and how you're going to save for luxuries like flat screen TVs and Xboxs, you don't earn enough or have enough money coming in each week to have such a ridiculous list, tell him to give that to santa LOL.

Seriously try as Ive suggested to you here, if this still doesn't stop you both trying to control each other then I don't hold out much hope for the relationship. You both need to stop the controlling. And learn how to budget. Once you do this then wonder about 2nd and 3rd bank accounts, Pay your rent first.

jessickah12712 · Jul 20, 2010, 04:45 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is still a child and you have let him be one for 3 years, He throws temper tantrums.
It's really on you. You either put up with his childish crap or you say enough and make him grow up.
See how many toys he can buy if he is on his own, paying rent and the whole shebang.

He's not a control freak, he is a spoiled child and you're the indulgent parent who's complaining about her spoiled child.
He does what you have allowed him to do, treats you the way you have allowed him to.

I wouldn't say he is spoiled because he actually doesn't buy all of the crap he wants. I always talk to him about his dirty habits of not cleaning up and its been like this for 3 yrs. I tried talking and making little chore list and it works for about a month but then he falls off the wagon and my job gets undone :-( its not my fault that he is like this, his mom saids it all the time that it is because of her because she raised him. But I just need advice on how to get through to him. Maybe my tone isn't good or maybe I just haven't said it the correct way? I love him and I know it takes 2 to make a relationship work and I know I have to deal with whatever because I choose to stay but I believe people can change :-/ if I ask him to help me he might help but usually he saids OK and never move. I once took his dishes and threw them in the garbage so he went out and bought 10 of the cups I threw out just to mess with me!

Homegirl 50 · Jul 20, 2010, 04:56 PM

It's not your fault he is the way he is, but you have become his mother.
Stop playing games with him. He is who he is, and you will either put up with it or you will say enough and leave. You will not change this man child. He has to want to change. He has to grow up.

positiveparent · Jul 20, 2010, 04:56 PM

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then that's mine and my texts are none of your business, but you're enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. You're both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. Its on a losing streak at this time.