[mountainpinelake]

Just a quick question.

[redhed35]

When you married him did you respect him?

Has something happened for you to lose respect for him.

Without any other information,its difficult to give you a more comprehensive answer.

[septemberlove]

Check out the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Without any other information, it is hard to give sound advice. However, love and respect go hand in hand. If you've lost respect for your husband, it is likely that you don't feel valued or loved by him, and he knows you don't respect him. It's a vicious circle, and communication is the only way to break it.

As a wife, you should encourage and understand him...

[mountainpinelake]

OK - I guess I need to give more information. I respected him and thought him of high character. He sabotaged going to his Grandfather's Memorial service (the g-dad he so admired - the Colonel) and then missed the internment at Arlington he said he would go to. He does not have a big family but it seems important. It makes me question how he might treat me. He did not want children and I am past it with health problems and I don't have much if any family to depend on and we have moved multiple times and I feel like I have lost my community and not been able to attach to one.

I also know of a women who was 47 years old had aspergillous sp? Infection in her brain- had a lobotomy and ended up unable to care for herself. She was put in long term care with no visitors as had no children and no family - only him. He asked them to have her hands tied down which I can't believe the Pilipino staff did and then he rarely visited her. She asked me to call him and he seemed to be off drifting unable to see his part in helping to make sure she was OK. I had to call the adult protective services. It stayed in my mind. I feel so vulnerable.

He also escapes into fantasy land of sci fi books, it is like moving a ton to get him to settle down to do our spending plan stuff, and he told me he had paid the car insurance twice when I asked him over a 6 month period and I kept seeing the bill. Then I saw the letter from the state saying it was not paid. I called and found out that the payment had not gone through. He fessed up - but both of us had been driving without coverage!

I have a serious spinal injury and shoulder and ribs from a fall and have chronic pain. If I was in another serious accident I could be disabled and then not to have coverage. My God.

We have been to Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille (always too tired now to do the dialogues) - recently he willing went to and enjoyed a workshop on Getting the Love you Want.

There is more but want to see what you all think.

[J_9]

I also know of a women who was 47 years old had aspergillous sp? infection in her brain- had a lobotomy and ended up unable to care for herself. She was put in long term care with no visitors as had no children and no family - only him. He asked them to have her hands tied down

Is this your husband you are talking about?

[mountainpinelake]

No - it is just a woman I empathized with and afraid I would become like. She certainly did not expect this...

[redhed35]

Mountainpike,if you could keep all communication on the boards,that way everyone can offer you insights and opinions on your situation.thanks.

There are a number of issues in your post that need to be addressed I can offer you an opinion on some.

The first part of your post concerns your husband lack of desire to attend his grandfathers memorial,I feel that there could be bigger issues going on in his life,and perhaps he was avoiding something there.

The next is the financial side of things,are you aware of your financial status,could there be problems your not aware of?

The car insurance as you pointed out is important and perhaps there was no money to pay it,then his lack of responsibility.

You need to address this,and you need a full account of where you stand financally.

When you do or if you already know,setting up a savings fund for the possibility of your future care needs will help put your mind at rest.

Communication between you both seems to have slipped into a rut,bringing that back would be important to your marriage and your feelings of security,hopefully he will be able to put your mind at ease,if not,YOU need to put in place supports that's can help you.

As regards your injury.is there a national service for spinal unjurys in your area?

Or another service that you can relate too,if so I recommend you link in with them,that way you can hook up should you move again.

You husband is your natural support the services are your structured supports,you need both,failing on the natural support you can become independent of your husband with the help of the structured supports,should it come to that.

You say he has enjoyed the workshop on getting the love you want?

Did you attend?

If not,has it changed his attitude towards the marriage?

My advice to you is to contact outside structured supports in your area and follow up any appointments,this I feel is crucial for you for some independence and control over your future well being and care.

Edit: just one more point,should you become to ill to make any decisions,perhaps having wishes documented legally will also ease your worries,and also to discuss this with your husband.

[J_9]

Mountainpike, it might help us to know what your location is. This is an international website.

[mountainpinelake]

Sorry I am new to the boards and am feeling an imperative...

=the first part of your post concerns your husband lack of desire to attend his grandfathers memorial,I feel that there could be bigger issues going on in his life,and perhaps he was avoiding something there.=

what bigger issues might you be thinking about? I think he and maybe I have some attachment issues since we were not really valued in our families of origin. We both were closer to 40 when we finally married. He also seems to escape and not be a peaceful warrior - I and others have asked him to read the Road Less Travelled...

=the next is the financial side of things,are you aware of your financial status,could there be problems your not aware of?=

we are doing OK financially - we check our balances and have a prudent reserve though need to pay off two credit cards - we do need more clarity but I think we are still ahead of the game in that area - I have insisted on more of it since the car insurance thing. I would have taken care of it if I had known because it is such a concern for me (ennegram 6 I think) - I just blindly trusted him.

The health care fund and long term care insurance. I lived in Bavaria with my ex fiancé off and on over 5 years. Europe has it right re: health care coverage even though the peak quality that you find in Beverly Hills is not available easily there. Corporations prevent -- I won't start there...

So it is scary for Americans because we don't have a health care net that is strong and with budget tightening due to this severe recession...

=communication between you both seems to have slipped into a rut,bringing that back would be important to your marriage and your feelings of security,hopefully he will be able to put your mind at ease,if not,YOU need to put in place supports that's can help you.=

yes I am trying to get more connections - I was in a job where I did not make many peer relationships and was advised to move to another job where I can make friends...

=as regards your injury.is there a national service for spinal unjurys in your area?=
I wish there was a national service like in UK or EU. I guess I could look into others with the injuries- though by looking at me it does not look like I have chronic pain... so it is an option I will explore and mull over. I am so sick of looking for and dealing with doctors, chiropractors and acupuncturists - it gets expensive.



=you husband is your natural support /the services are your structured supports/,you need both,failing on the natural support you can become independent of your husband with the help of the structured supports,should it come to that.=

yes I see what you mean...

The work shop getting the love you want (H Hendrix) - he enjoyed and is listening to the audio book when we drive.

- The other part of this is - we had a bed with air wells under it - my side deflated and we were going to get a new bed and he wanted to get one of those expensive memory foam mattresses and as a woman in the 20 year menopausal transition - we get really hot at night and those beds are really hot to sleep on. I woke up again after another deflation and got mad and opened it in frustration in the middle of the night. He got mad, yelling ensued and he came over the bed grabbed my head (unusual) and brings his head down. I thought he was going to put it on my forehead as I see him look there - but then he looks down and his head goes down and I hear my nose crunching - now I have a small dent of his forehead on my nose - I went to the doctor to see if anything could be done and they can't but they reported it to the police who kept hounding me to get to talk to them - I was afraid for him and eventually they tracked down our home phone- he was getting ready to go down and talk to them and the attorney said to not go since I had not filed charges.

- This is 16 months ago - I wrote him a letter on the year date and he wrote back the first sincere feeling apology without excuses. He has not physcially hurt me since or even much emotionally. He has been more compliant with doing spending plan stuff and helping me with house hold stuff. But we are still not doing much more than light cuddling and heavy petting of him. I just can't do more - I feel like my nose needs to be restored before I can go back to our previous but I hate going to the doctor. He also in the past 5 years in 2 bad decisions I begged him not to do - lost the equivalent of half of our assets. I have been upping the vigilance. I feel divorce might be worse because I am afraid about my health and I just don't know if I am eligible "bacholorette material" (minor disability) and the thought of literally just sleeping alone for the rest of my life brings me to despair. We have been married 7 years and I met him in college.

Thanks for any feedback or advice.

[redhed35]

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes,here I am with a disability,with a husband who has headbutted me,made bad investment choices and lost half our assets,I have no family to speak of,I have no real connections with anyone,and I'm not very happy,I'm scared about my future and what may happen too me.

Does that sum it up?

Now what are your options,that depends on what you want.

Do you know what you want?

If we take the disability out of the picture what would you do?

Have a trial separation?

Start a new career? A new life?

If fear of being on your own is the only reason your still with him,its not a good enough reason for the rest of your life,or until one of you die,or he walks away.

If your going to stay together I would insist you both get back into marriage councilling,unless he is willing to step up and be your husband and partner in every sense of the word,I would walk away.

Being on your own is not so bad,and it would give you an chance to put down some roots and make a new start.