[88sunflower]

Sounds to me he is just confused in general possibly. He is at a point in his life where there are major choices and decisions to be made. As you are.

But in all honesty I think you're his comfort zone and he is yours. Maybe he wants to pursue other options and you're a ball and chain for him. I am sure he does love you but at the same time he has these options in life he wants and some of them may not involve you. There could be things out there he wants to explore but maybe he feels your holding him down. Why can't you both live your lives with no discussion of a future? Does this need to be out on the table at such a fragile time? Just live life, finish your education and go from there.
From what I see you haven't physically spent much time together as you have emotionally. Now that your there in person he may not be ready as quickly as you are.

[mc1217]

Hmm... I don't think so. I asked him if he felt like he's missed out on other things... he said no. I asked him if he felt like he's missed out on dating other girls (although he had relationships before me, as I did too), he said no. I asked if it was because we had discussed marriage, & said that marriage is not something I want, if he isn't ready-- he cut me off, assuring, "no-- no-- that's not what this is."

I said you need to be 100% honest with me, and not sugar coat anything-- because I deserve that. He said he promised he was being honest & that he told me everything that he himself knows at this point.

Honestly, I think he's having a panic attack and he's pushing everyone away. His brother (who's 28) even texted me today & said that he and his parents were thinking of me-- that my bf/ex (I don't know what to call him) is "obviously going through something" but that he doesn't know what it is... that my bf/ex wasn't talking to them much.

[positiveparent]

I really believe that all this young man wants is time to get his head around all the changes he is being faced with at this time, he's going into the adult world which until now he only talked about, talk is different from reality, we can all talk ourselves into something, and your b/f is just wanting to get to grips with it all in his head.

Hes realising that in his relationship with you he is going to have responsibilities and others to support or partly support, he knows its not going to be just him.

I would say he is reassessing it all and wants to get it right.

Hes going to be leaving the nice secure non responsible life of living at home, and going out into the world where he is going to have only himself to rely on or mostly.

All of the plans he's made with you are becoming a reality now, the time to daydream is over now its face reality time, and I am sure he just needs a little time alone to put those plans and what they really mean into their proper perspective.

I would say he's being sensible, and that once this time is over, he will return to the relationship with a more realistic and clear vision of what's to come.

I accept it is no consolation to you that he's doing this and that it would seem he's shutting you out, but facing up to himself needs his focus to be on his future plans and what they really mean.

Sometimes we cannot face reality when we have distractions that add to the confusion.

As stated in an earlier post, with you having had a LDR in real terms you've only seen each other about 40/50 times, and you'll have both been on your best behaviour at those times, so in truth you hardly know each other, you both need to take much longer to get to know each other before you even think about a future together, he's going to have habits that grate you and you him, there are so many things to be overcome before embarking on a lifetime together.

You need to ensure your relationship has firm foundations for it to be a successful one, going on what you have at this time then the foundations are not firmly moulded for it to work or at least not for a lifetime.

I always say a marriage in many ways is like creating a company, and for a company to become a success it has to have commitment, firm and solid foundations, it needs researching, it needs the people in it to be responsible for it, to work for the greater good of the company at all times, to have a good communication system and both parties need to be on the same page, with no doubts of any kind.

Marriage is more than a white dress and a church full of flowers, it's a life long commitment and a partnership.

So for you and this young man to be contemplating taking this step, its got to be given time and thought, you have to know what you're going into and you also need a business plan if you like, you cannot just go into it by the seat of your pants and hope it'll all be OK.

Maybe your b/f has chosen to do this alone because he knows if he doesn't he could so easily make a mistake, he needs to get his head around it all, I would also think he is feeling pressured and has come to the conclusion and truth of his being faced with a huge step and a lot of responsibility.

There's also that fact that this has happened because whilst your b/f may want what you do, he isn't really ready for it at this time, and this could be his way of letting you down gently, and for you to find out if this is the case then you've got to go NC, let him miss you, let him have time to realise how much you mean to him, if you cannot do this, then I don't think your future with him is going to amount too much. Im not saying that to hurt you, more to alert you.

If you stick with NC, and you get back with him in time, perhaps you could suggest that the two of you take things at a more leisurely pace, that you need to get to know each other much more before you take such a huge step. This could also be helpful in taking off some of the pressure he may feel he's under.

After all there's no rush as long as it achieves the long term aim you can take as long as you like you have the rest of your life to get there.

Learn to walk before you run.

I hope you'll do as is suggested, Im sure if you do this will all work out fine.

As a P.S. I also feel that this person is feeling obligated, that whilst he was in agreement of all you and he discussed and planned for over the course of the 3 years you were in a LDR together, now its come to it, he isn't really prepared for it, but because of you and he having made"plans" he's now feeling under obligation, he might still want those things you discussed, but not just yet.

You haven't seen the world yet, let alone lived in it as an independent adult, its not as easy as it looks, I also feel you are perhaps wearing rose coloured lenses, that you have the girlie dream of a wedding a house with a white pickett fence, and the happy ever after, with hubby off to work each day and wife and babies at home.

That's a great dream but in truth its not realistic it only happens like that in the movies. You too need to look at what you want realistically, and re-evaulate what it all means, but not right now, in the future, go out and live your life, do what you want, forget about the future, live in the moment, this moment, let you b/f do the same, and Im sorry but he's not going to tell you that's what he wants, he's hurt ( or so he believes) you already he doesn't want the added burden of being blamed for hurting you more, which in truth he hasn't done you've allowed yourselves to drift along for 3 years living a fantasy life or planning for one.

You also have to become responsible for your own life, by accepting that the only person responsible for your happiness at any time ever is you, no one else.

Your b/f is not responsble for how you feel or anything, that's why I attached the 2 files for you to read, to help you learn and accept that you and only you are responsible for everything that happens to you, no one else. I would say if you can learn to accept responsibility for you and your life you'll understand much more about what's going on in your world now, be irresponsible and you'll never be happy, you choose.

[redhed35]

Could I ask, is this generally how he deals with stressfull situations?

Shuts everyone out and comtemplates the world?

I just think,if this is his way of coping now,how will he cope if you have children,or get into mortgage difficulities,or God only knows what,is he mature enough to get married?

Would he still be having the same issue if marriage was off the table,I think so.

You can only tell how strong your relationship is when there is a crisis,for one or both parties,and its how you deal or in this case don't deal,is telling on the future communication/coping skills you have as a couple.

In your opening question you say,for you,a couple should work on the problems together,I totally agree with that,if your not working on his problem together,is he always going to shut you out?

I think this is more about him and less about you as a couple,and he is not thinking about you as a couple.

He wants time and space to work things out,id say fine,take all the time you want,I would not wait around being upset while he is gone into the desert for forty days and forty nights.

Go no contact.

[Imabadman]

There's a lot of good advice here and for the most part I agree with the others.

• Leave him alone. Back off and give him his time. He may or may not come back, sorry but that's the reality of life, it's harsh. If his continued contact affects you then you need to tell him not to contact you. Something simple along the lines of, if and when he's ready to work on the relationship you'll consider it at that time until then you're moving on. Keep your emotions in check, poker face. Take the high road, walk away with our head held high.

• If you're going to continue to talk and interact with him like you have realize it's going to prolong your pain. Understand also this takes away from your value as a respectable woman and instills a certain behavior that, “I can do this again and she'll accept it.” Not good. See the first bullet point.

• Your conversations should not involve marriage, your futures together, kids, joint checking, living arrangements, etc… Right now you have no future together. He ended it, remember. Again, you're constantly bringing this up in conversations; probing and prodding for answers which will only serve to push him further away. Leave him to think, be unaffected. See the first bullet point.

• Focus on your school work. Relationships come and go. Your education is a life time.