[Hathor]

Hello, first off, I'd really appreciate not having this thread merged into my previous ones on mental health and relationships. I want to focus on getting pass tonight and this week. I was just on the phone with my dad, and he said he couldn't continue talking to a very weak person like me, and then hung up. My friends might have already slept so basically I don't have anyone to talk to.

I have depression, diagnosed as medium-serious 2 years ago. I stopped taking anti-depressants after finishing the first box due to concerns over prolonged usage. I have a problem sleeping also and now taking Melatonin (herbal sleeping pills) twice a week. I've been told I'm too hard on myself being a perfectionist and all.

Lately I've been so vulnerable. I work on TV and a really good friend made comments about how I don't look like a person who knows English. And I let this stupid comment in my head for a week, resulting in more stumbling. I know that I "know" English, it's just that he watched me on a bad day. It's live, and humans make mistakes. My dad said I'm a rock and why the heck I have to care what just one person thinks.

Also, my long-distant (ex?)boyfriend doesn't have the guts to tell me straight he's short on money and thus cannot come for my birthday, which is 2 days from now. All I want is just an answer, but it seems most guys don't have a backbone to just tell the truth. I would still be a bit depressed that he can't make it of course, but at least I'd know for sure. I changed my already-hectic work schedule to welcome him, but all in vain. I also cancelled some classes that I teach, just to have more time with him when he's here. But that only results in loss of income, and heartache. I really want to go to the beach on a weekend, for which I had asked days off for. We talked about it and he was thrilled. And just last weekend, there was a travel fair with all major hotels offering huge discounts. And I couldn't book anything because I didn't know his plans. So after tons of my missed calls and sms to him, he replied "I feel sad. I'm doing my best to come. I'll call you asap." and this morning "good morning my love, have a good day" completely oblivious to my burning questions, "are you coming or not? I need to know my plans. I need to work". So basically, he doesn't have balls to tell me what's going on but still wants to be together. Me, I have had enough of his bs.

My dad doesn't know I also have a relationship problem, hence his lack of understanding what I've gone through. I cried talking to him, and after being hung up on, I realise I can confide in absolutely no one. I cannot cry with someone except alone. Oh yes, most people imagine me being oh so confident and tough... crying my heart out is something they don't expect or want from me.

I also settled down in the place where I don't know many people. I have successful career and excellent backgrounds, but I'm never really happy. Basically it goes like this, 100% professional life 0% personal. I can admit here in this forum that I don't have "friends", and my love life has always been s*hitty. I'm on course to break up with my boyfriend (or perhaps already did). I really don't have anyone to talk to. Crying with my dad turned out to be a really bad idea.

And my fortune teller told me the only chance I can have a good relationship is with a handicapped guy. She said all my guys, past, present and future are (quote) "monsters" to me. If I don't want to have a handicap, then I should just focus all my energy on work. "You're successful and rich" she told me, "just focus on it and forget about the love department."

I want to leave the secular world and just become a nun. I can afford pricey stuffs, but for what? I NEVER really feel happy.

Please help. And thank you :)

[neverme]

Your life doesn't seem too easy at all! You have a full work life and your personal life doesn't seem too easy either.

I'd cry too if anyone hung up on me, let alone a parent! That was quite insensitive and rude.

I think the only way that we can find happiness is to actively seek it. You need to get out there and start a new hobby. If you aren't happy with your boyfriend then it's time to move on, what ever you think will get you on the road to being a little more content with your life. You have to take risks, it's never easy for anyone to be in new situations, but the only way it gets easier is to keep on doing it.

Basically if you don't like something in your life... then change it! It's your life to do what you want with it.

You now have people to confide in, come on here, there is a great community of people here, regulars who give their time to helping people, they are honest and kind and want to help you.

As for fortune tellers, personally I don't think they're a great idea. Especially when too much importance is laid on them. You will only find love with, how the hell does she know? She doesn't know how the choices and decisions you make in your life will affect your path! Just today you could decide to up and move jobs, that could change the course of your life. You could meet a man on the bus that is the man of your dreams! You could, heaven forbid, get run over by that same bus!

I am not trying to be rude, I just think that our life is not a set out path I think we can alter it by our choices. So start making the right ones.

[Hathor]

Neverme, I can never thank you enough. I felt better reading your post until I stupidly checked my phone and found no sms from him. I called all day, no answer. What I’ve done is to just ignore my phone (and let him disrupt my work life also in the process). But it’s the only way to keep me sane.
I know when enough is enough. It doesn’t help with my already vulnerable condition. Maybe you don’t think it’s such a big deal. He can come whenever he wants and I can see him when he’s here. But the whole point is that we should be able to communicate with each other. After my 20 sms asking him the same logical question, he replied with something else. He lacks the capacity to be “real”. Do you think it’s that hard saying “I’m really sorry honey, but I really can’t come”? I don’t think he’s trying to break up by disappearing, it doesn’t make any sense. C’mon long-distance partners always want to come for the physical part (not only, but still a big aspect of relationships). And we talked almost everyday before.
My frustration is beyond control, especially when I know there’s nothing I can do, well, except disappearing on him too.
My dreams are shattered. I know it’s not healthy to depend my happiness on him. But I soooo long for a weekend getaway with my man like other girls. I want a normal relationship. I want to be happy and carefree like other girls in love. I deserve happiness like everyone else on the planet.
My dad’s been the most caring parent I can have, but he just doesn’t understand why I suffer. He said I have a Master’s Degree, great jobs, and I never have to starve or be on the street. But that’s the point! I’m not happy because I don’t have friends and a good boyfriend and my personal life is so empty. I always talk to myself because I don’t have people to talk to. I shop alone, I eat alone. And I don’t need my dad’s tough love right now. The fact that I have good degrees and jobs doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be weak and long/whine for happiness.
I’m currently living in a developing country where I feel that my rights are violated every single day. People don’t care about laws, and I’m the only biatch with the problem. I’m uptight and I think of the time, personal problems and world problems. And as a news anchor, it’s my job to always get updated on the news, even though political situation in this country is beyond repair.
I know I need changes, but don’t know how. The more I think and spend time alone, the more cynical I am. I won’t have a nice boyfriend and be happily married. I won’t have friends. When I studied I only spent time reading and when I work I only have work in my life. I take up weekend classes because I just don’t want to be alone (or with my parents all the time) on weekends. I’m just pathetic and desperate. I don’t like guys in this country. I’m not their type either. And my mentality cannot be tuned in to the locals.
I’ll be alone and cynical like this for the rest of my life, that’s my biggest fear, that’s my depression.
I just want to stop thinking, and even feeling, it’s too painful.
Thank you again for reading. It means the world to me that my problems are not brushed aside as rubbish. I think I’ll take some Melatonins and sleep. It’ll be just another bad day, like always.
And lastly, what does happiness feel like? I never have one. Is human happiness tangible, or only something like nirvana is considered “real”? Is becoming a nun a good solution? What’s the purpose of life (not a religious question) then if I never find friends, the right guy, and the eventual happiness?

[Hathor]

I'm very proud of my qualifications and so on, but deep down, I feel I'm pathetic and really desperate to have close friendship and working relationship. I feel pathetic even more because everyone believes that I shouldn't be having these feelings due to the great life that I have. In fact, I might be having fewer friends than people on the street, and that makes me even more pathetic. Whenever I open up with new friends, they're always surprised that I've got insecurities. So then I shut down. So a person in my position doesn't have a right to be depressed? It's like a vicious circle. Depression never stops.

[Hathor]

Hi, is there a possibility I can skype with members, esp experts? I really can't sleep. And I feel depressed even more when I know I can't discuss my personal problems with my parents. I hate that it's going to be like this for the rest of our lives. My parents are reallly conservative. My dad is incapable of talking "relationships" with me. My mum always overreacts and judges. If I don't have friends then I should be able to talk with my family right? Wrong... my sister's not close to me anymore either. I just feel stupid for crying with my dad and realising that I can't do that.
So what, I don't have the right to cry on sb's shoulders? I should end up like Scrooge? Rich but alone... no one really cares?

[neverme]

Look stop letting everyone else's opinions on you and your life make you feel anyway at all! It is your life, and your assessment of it is the most important. No one else's.

You feel that you have conquered one aspect of your life and another has suffered, no?

Your right, it is not healthy to rely on someone for your happiness and it NEVER works out well for you in the long run. You need to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone else. NO ONE, not a boyfriend, family or friends can do that for you.

Happy and carefree is for the honeymoon stage, after that it is about a partnership, one that is not always easy, that you have to work at every day BOTH of you, 50/50. So you haven't found the one that you can have this partnership with? Big deal! We have all been there, it's not easy but it is manageble, you have to believe that.

Yes everyone deserves happiness but you have to actively seek it. If it is not with your boyfriend then it is in other aspects of your life, or in time with someone new. No one wants to be around someone with a grim view on life, friend or lover! So get out there and change it. Put a smile on your face, whether you feel like it or not and start something new. A dance/pottery class, an assertiveness class... something that will make you feel good about you.

Your dad has a different world view than you, I'm guessing that he grew up in an less priveledged atmosphere than you, when people dreamed of having finanical security rather than emotional security so for him, you have arrived and he cannot see why you would be unhappy. You have to accept that he just does not see the world in the same way as you do. It is unlikely to change.

You keep telling yourself your pathetic and your life is unfulilling and it will stay that way. You NEED to change your outlook. At your weekend classes, just talk to someone, about coffee or the weather or anything you want. Keep a smile on your face and a sunny disposition and the next week talk to them again. Push yourself to put the effort in, it's not easy but you will get there. You obviously have the ability to apply yourself so now apply yourself to YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS.

Happiness is not about the other people in your life it is about you. I do not strive for happiness, as an aside, I strive for contentment. Happiness is fleeting, it is there in a moment and gone the next. Contentment is lasting, that comes from within.

Finally, do something for me, write on a sheet of paper 'Today is going to be a good day' in bright and colourful lettering and leave it somewhere you will see it first thing every morning. It may seem stupid but I have seen this technique work. Sure look at it like this, what have you got to lose? :)

[Hathor]

Maybe my posts are too long or my questions too broad... but I'd really appreciate your help.

The reason I bury myself in work (1 fulltime 3 part-times) is because I don't want to just stay home drowning in misery that I have zero personal life and a bad long distance relationship. It's already 1.5 hours away to my birthday but my (ex) boyfriend still disappears... now I have to ignore my iPhone completely because I don't want to know he hasn't called or texted... and my work is affected... people can't contact me because I turn my phone off. I know it's completely insane but it's the only way to keep me sane and stop obsessing with my phone.

I'm also depressed that only a handful people will make it for my bd party. Everyone is so busy with something... and that's why I feel the need to keep myself busy... so then I don't have to feel rejected even more. As a result, I feel suffocated by the amount of work I engage myself in, completing the vicious circle of depression.

What good are great careers if I don't have any friends/disappearing boyfriend and absolutely no happiness? Every time when I walk out of my classroom alone I want to kill myself 100 times for walking alone.

[Gemini54]

Whilst I truly sympathize with your plight and your frame of mind, I absolutely agree with neverme.

Please don't be offended, but your posts are full of how awful your life is, how you will never have what you want and how everyone doesn't understand you.

Essentially you're drowning in self pity and paralyzed by the belief that change is impossible.

Guess what? You're creating it all yourself. What you put out in terms of your attitude and energy - you get back. Is it any wonder people are avoiding you and your father is telling you you're 'weak'? In reality he's just reinforcing what you already feel about yourself. Persisting in the belief that you can get advice from your parents about your state of mind is madness - why keep hitting your head against a brick wall?

Get some professional help - you've got a great job and a great mind - put them to good use and work with someone to make changes to the way you think about yourself and respond to others.

The process of dealing with depression can be a life-changing way to look at yourself and to also examine how you create your own reality.

Make the choice to take a step outside this self imposed prison that your current reality confines you to - accept that you need to see things differently and need to seek professional help.

You are not stuck and change is possible. Nelson Mandela was in solitary confinement for nearly 20 years and was persecuted by other people. He went on to do amazing things - why can't you?

It's all a matter of choice.

[KBC]

1) You stopped taking medications,, BIG NO NO

2) You stopped taking medications,, BIGGER NO NO.

If you ever want to have relief from the chaos you are living in,you will have to make a decision,medications or continue to be the way you are.Period.

You weren't put on meds because you were healthy, why do you think you can doctor yourself now?, Only a professional can do that,and by the sounds of your comments,you aren't one.

Stop the self defeating actions and start doing right by yourself.

[neverme]

KBC, I don't know if I agree with you here, I don't think medication is the be all and end all of depression. In fat it can become a crutch! If the OP doesn't feel she wants to be on these or that they are not working for her, I would suggest consulting someone else.

By no means do I think she should self medicate, but a psycho analysis and recovery, free of medication may be a viable alternative.

[KBC]

They said they stopped using medications due to 'concerns over prolonged use',perhaps we need to understand that concern.

To stop medication,prescribed by a doctor,on your own,just isn't rational thinking,that's taking things into your own hands.

I don't know how many pills were in a 'box',but anyone who is diagnosed with 'medium-serious' depression most likely needs more than just therapy.

Read any further responses, they sound like there is still self defeating behaviors,lack of self worth,isolation,etc.. all the tell tale signs of depression.

If the OP thinks that staying the path will make things better,why would they write in here?For words from strangers?

Words don't change the depression in my world, never have, they only helped me identify the problem and the possible solutions,, if I choose to take them.

She seems more than able to get the help she needs,now it's up to her to seek that help,weather it's medications or professional therapy... or both.

[jackaloo]

Hi I just found your post searching for something that I was having problems with on Google,
Do you still want to talk?

[Hathor]

Hi jackaloo, sorry for very late reply. Yes, I'd still really appreciate the talk.

[Hathor]

Neverme, thanks again. I do agree that natural treatment is the best way. I tried anti-depressants already and nothing changed.
It's hard to find therapists in this country. Most people here are very conservative so they don't go for therapy. And I also feel that if I pay for a session knowing that my boyfriend is a trigger making everything worse, I'll hate myself even more for spending money with him as a cause.

Tonight I feel worse than ever and all my friends on skype aren't available. I will never talk to my parents about my depression again because they never understand. My BF (maybe an ex now) is disappearing as always. A close friend who was always so patient with me is never free to talk or hang out with me for a while now. And I feel most friends are sick of my story. So basically I have no one to talk to.

[Hathor]

Oh, and, my work is a bit high profile and I'm sensitive about how people will judge me for being successful but depressed.

I've been drowning myself into work so that I can forget the fact that I don't have many friends to hang out with and my boyfriend with me. But the more I work, the more I feel so alienated, and therefore depressed. It's a vicious circle.

You inputs will be very much appreciated.

[KBC]

KBC, I don't know if I agree with you here, I don't think medication is the be all and end all of depression. In fat it can become a crutch! If the OP doesn't feel she wants to be on these or that they are not working for her, I would suggest consulting someone else.

By no means do I think she should self medicate, but a psycho analysis and recovery, free of medication may be a viable alternative.

Hmm, a crutch makes it sound like there is something wrong with needing to stabilize your life, like you are defective.

Perhaps the doctors were right and this person needed to allow the medications to become therapeutic,which can take up to 6 weeks.

Many people cut off the medication route for the most interesting ideas,like 'dependence', of which there is no addiction to any antidepressants.Or maybe they stop because they 'think' they can do it alone,without the 'crutch' of medications(:confused:what brought them to taking them in the first place?)

Depression can and will always win if you don't treat the problem, to continue the same path and expect things to be different(as this poster seems to be doing),just doesn't work.From the first post to now,how has anything changed?Has there been any forward progress with this problem facing the poster?Are we all enabling this situation to continue,or are we trying to come up with solutions for it?

I've noticed I haven't been addressed back by the op, maybe what I am writing has her on the defensive, because I am not playing along with the enabling.

[DrBill100]

Lack of meaningful emotional contact will inevitably lead to feelings of sadness. The circumstances you have outlined are a prescription for feelings of sadness and despair. That's good in one respect because it is possible for you to work through your emotional state systematically through addressing the problem elements. If we must use the term depression at all it might be viewed as exogenous. Simply put that means it is of external circumstantial origin.

You advise that you were diagnosed with depression. In the course of diagnosis were you administered a Depression Scale. That is a written questionnaire (of sort) that is used to determine your level of depression by response to keyed questions, it may have been as few as 5 to as many as 26... Or were you diagnosed based upon your expressions of how you feel. (self report)?

How long have you felt "depressed"?
At any time in the past, have you been diagnosed with depression or any other emotional disorder?

Further, you note that you stopped taking antidepressants "due to concerns over prolonged usage." During the time you were taking the medication did your emotional state improve?

[Hathor]

Hi, KBC. To answer your questions, when I was taking the pills I didn't feel better in a slightest, no change whatsoever. And my psychiatrist at that time didn't advise that it's a must to take them. We both just wanted to try it out. It was my first time, before I took them again a year later and stopped again, since nothing ever changed (for the better). I spent my childhood taking pills of all sorts for my allergy and my many health problems (much healthier now) so I just feel that I shouldn't be taking unnecessary pills, esp ones that don't seem to work.

I'm still as depressed as ever. And what I've been doing now is devoting my life to a political campaign, in addition to my 3 jobs. I feel my life is so meaningful with all the good work that I've done. And every single moment I'm occupied keeps me away from this painful feeling of emptiness. My professional life is 100, my personal one is 0. The very minute after I'm done with my work, there it is, that big ugly emptiness. I feel that I really have no one. What's the purpose of being successful professionally when I don't have a single close friend or a love partner to share those triumphant proud moments with? What's the point? I know, as people repeatedly told me, I'm doing it all for myself, and I should enjoy it and celebrate it. But I cannot take it anymore. I've always been alone. Successful alone, travel the world alone, eat alone, walk alone, shop alone. I even talk to myself when I'm alone at home.

I was using my boyfriend (ex now I'm pretty sure) to be a cure. I love him too of course, but I also use him to keep me company, to keep me as faraway as possible from that empty feeling. But as he's an inconsistent, inconsiderate bad boyfriend, he's more like a cause of my depression rather than a cure. The high times are really high, and the low times are really low. And now it's definitely the lowest of the low. He has disappeared, completely out of touch. And all I want is some human contact, even as a friend.

I'm not a shy person in the dating game and people have again repeatedly told me I can and I will find much better. I don't have a problem attracting guys, but I'm just very cynical about it all. I've become bitter. And that's why I think my problem needs spiritual means as opposed to medical.

I really don't know what to do. I'm living a material but totally empty life. I don't see the point of working so hard but for nothing (to make ends meet, yes) I used to think about becoming a nun and leave it all behind. My mum is a devout Buddhist and she has great advice. But I'm just too caught in my empty secular world to find it interesting. I know that deep philosophy has the answer that I need, but I don't know, maybe I'm just too lazy. I think all I've been doing is to always find an escape from that emptiness, and just be happy. Buddhism doesn't provide the easy happy road I'm looking for, it just teaches us to accept things. And I just don't want to accept the emptiness. I've spent years avoid it. It's just too painful.

When that emptiness creeps in, I can feel that all my body parts ache, especially my chest. I just want to burst out in tears at that very moment and it happens at least once everyday.

Again, I really don't know what I should do. I've been crying myself to sleep every night. My mind and every part of my body is screaming for help, any way to escape this emptiness.

[Hathor]

Dr Bill, I've been depressed as long as I remember actually. I remember not so happy childhood, and that empty feelings started very early, like since I was 10 maybe. I've had friends, but not a single one that can be classified as a best friend. I also moved a lot, on my own since 18, studying/working abroad in 5 countries. I didn't spend long enough time in each country and thereby lost contact with those I befriended. And most of them are international anyway, which means that they move a lot also.

I really hit rock bottom, but maybe not enough to destroy my professional life yet. The worst damage to my jobs is just lack of sleep hence lack of concentration. But I force myself to go to work everyday. Even after 2 hours of sleep and crying the rest of the night.

I'm now even begging my boyfriend to come back, just because I'm so desperately after human contact. I know he's bad news, but if I cut him out completely, it means I won't have anyone who already knows stuff about me and is willing to sit in front of the computer through hours to listen to me.

And this makes me hate myself for compromising my honour and integrity. I'm begging a guy who just disappeared on me to come back.

[Lmay0001]

Hey I'm a pharmacy student I can say you might be suffering form mild depression but , dw your situation is just like mine :( my relationship is an an even if I'm doing a degree I'm not happy. Your not alone but don't stop taking meds. Exersice is a must!! Go to a gym or something :))))

Good luck don't let yourself down girl I bet your really good looking :)