[LadyBeckstah4]

Long story short- my friend got with someone that I had feelings for years ago. And as soon as she got with him I suppressed my feelings and we'd all just been really good friends ever since. I was always deeply involved in their relationship, as a kind of mediator and helped to diffuse things and calm both down when they fell out/broke up. However, it seemed that they had broken up for the final time, and the guy told me that he liked me and always had. And things got complicated and I did something terrible... I slept with him. Since then, to my horror, he got back with her. At first we decided not to tell her but he did, without warning me. She is understandably beyond furious, and hates me . He told her absolutely everything I told him in confidence, to exacerbate things. All my friends have shunned me and my world has basically turned upside down.

My question is- What the hell do I do now? I didn't try and make him look bad by telling her all the things he told me, like he did to me- should I have? I just didn't see the point in punishing her more just to punish him. How can I make anything better? How do I cope with this and move on?

I don't need to be told how bad what I did is, I know. I am consumed with shame and guilt.

I just need some advice- desperately, please.

[Wondergirl]

I don't see what you did as being so bad. You said, "it seemed that they had broken up for the final time, and the guy told me that he liked me and always had... I slept with him." Weren't they really broken up? It sounds like it to me, and if they were, he's fair game.

[LadyBeckstah4]

No, they weren't together, and yes that is what happened. But I was out of order to sleep with such a good friend's ex when I knew she still had feelings for him. And nobody cares they weren't together- nobody is speaking to me I've been made out to be some sort of demon and I am at a loss as to what the hell I am supposed to do now... where to go from here.

[Wondergirl]

Does your friend know you've had feelings for him for years? (Actually, she kind of moved in on you, if she knew that.)

Have you apologized to her, or won't she even speak to you?

Btw, how old are you all?

My anger is with the guy who blabbed. He should have honored you and kept him mouth shut. I'm guessing he isn't really anyone's dream date. He, not you, should be the one everyone hates.

[LadyBeckstah4]

Unfortunately, I found it hard to stoop to his level and reveal his level of deceit so he has come out looking on top, and I look like the worst person ever, really.

We're both 20 and he is 19.

No she didn't know. As soon as she told me she really liked him, I backed off and suppressed my feelings and helped get them together. It was actually really easy to do.

I've apologised on the phone but she didn't care, in the slightest, and I'm going to write her a letter, but aside from that I am so helpless right now.

[Wondergirl]

Unfortunately, I found it hard to stoop to his level and reveal his level of deceit so he has come out looking on top, and I look like the worst person ever, really.

Are these people brain-dead? How can he come off smelling like a rose after what he did? I find no fault with you, and think your friends are incredibly mean for blackballing you.

I also like the way you write. You must be a very accomplished young woman. If I were you, I'd move into a different, more empathetic, crowd.

[talaniman]

You need a better class of friends and that's your best option as while you had a serious lapse in judgment, believing his nonsense and BS, and rewarding it with sleeping with him, your friend is a blind dilly bar for ignoring the obvious, him playing you and using you.

He probably staged the whole thing to get you out of their business any way, to show you for a false friend, and maybe that's for the best, as for as deeply involved as you were, you didn't have a clue about sleeping with your friends b/f, ex, or not. How could you not see that it was a bad idea, But that's the way it goes sometimes following feelings without facts. His plan worked, your out as a friend, and your girl friend is own her own.

Maybe she will have to learn the hard way what a lying, cheating, conniver he is.

[LadyBeckstah4]

As much as I had/have feelings for him, on reflection I was also acting out. I've been hurt and angry for a long time and did what I had never done before, but had so often been a victim of; I selfishly did what made me happy focusing on nobody else's feelings except my own. It was my kind of "f**k you" at the world.

And on top of that, it was something big enough to finally distract me from the constant hurt and anger I was feeling.

I take full responsibility for it and am very sorry and ashamed.

As manipulative and selfish as he is I know that "outing me" was not his intention. It was him, more than her, that used to call me after they had fought and asked me to shed light on the situation as someone he respected and trusted.

When they broke up he was angry at her and probably wanting attention, and both these things coupled lead him allow himself to indulge in his feelings for me, although at the time these weren't things I considered. He must've been confused because he then decided after a while, he wanted her back. I was stupid enough to tell one of my best friends in absolute confidence who decided to then give me an ultimatum and said if I didn't tell my friend then she would, even after promising to stay out of it.

He managed to convince her not to, so she dropped it.

Then he said the guilt was too much of a burden and he had to tell her and here we are...

[Wondergirl]

I take full responsibility for it and am very sorry and ashamed.

Wow! I counted at least eight ways you're excusing him.

[LadyBeckstah4]

I blame him for this, more than I blame myself. He's tried to have his cake and eat it too. But I am obviously a more decent and compassionate person than him and have not acted like it. And that is what I blame myself for and take responsibility for.

[Wondergirl]

I blame him for this, more than I blame myself. He's tried to have his cake and eat it too. But I am obviously a more decent and compassionate person than him and have not acted like it. And that is what I blame myself for and take responsibility for.

Now you're coming around to our way of thinking about this. I'm female too and am happiest when everyone gets along. Like you, I hate to be thought of badly by anyone. But truly you are not to blame in this mess. In fact, you are going out of your way to be the (only) decent and compassionate person.

But I think you've learned the lesson not to indulge yourself sexually so easily (yeah, guys have a way about them, don't they -- stealing our hearts and softening our suspicions about trusting them)-- and also not to kiss and tell. Both can come back to bite you on the butt.

[LadyBeckstah4]

So is it not worth trying to make amends with any of these people?

[roxypox]

Are these people brain-dead? How can he come off smelling like a rose after what he did? I find no fault with you, and think your friends are incredibly mean for blackballing you.

I also like the way you write. You must be a very accomplished young woman. If I were you, I'd move into a different, more empathetic, crowd.

Have to spread the rep WonderGirl... love this post!

So is it not worth trying to make amends with any of these people?

I fully sympathies with your position, but do you really (deep down) want to be friends with them again when they turned on you so easily? All of them took his word... in one way you might say that they eat it up and from how you explain it; they didn't even talk to you and ask your side of this story.

So do you really want to be friends with them?

I know from personal experience that being shunned by all of your friends is far from fun and it can be a delicate task to find a new crowd of friends, but it is doable...

My advice would be like both wondergirl and Talaniman has mentioned: Maybe you will be better of if you find a new crowd!

[talaniman]

So is it not worth trying to make amends with any of these people?

With friends like these, who needs enemies?? Do you kiss the butts of your enemies? Of course not.

[Wondergirl]

So is it not worth trying to make amends with any of these people?

No.

[Starry nights]

Excuse my language,but happens and sometimes there isn't much we can do about it.You obviously didn't see this coming,neither did you know what kind of a jerk he was.You can't take back anything you have done or said and whatever you do now as damage control,wouldn't really smoothen everything at one go.

You need to allow a lot of time and space to yourself and everybody else in this situation.Just take two steps back and take a deep breath and be prepared for a very very long journey ahead with all the gossip,ing and backbiting.

It'll be hard not to react and justify and explain.But that's precisely what you need to do.I would advise you against taking every opportunity to jump up and shout out your innocence to the world,because nobody will buy it for the time being.Walk with your head held high,meet new people,extend your circle of friends,go about your life very normally,without appearing guilty and ashamed.You have done nothing wrong in placing your trust in a guy you fancied.Its you who's been wronged,remember,and you are the one who has to walk through fire.

This is your lesson in handling an awkward situation like this with grace and dignity.Reacting,explaining,justifying won't help.Living your life,with peace and dignity and definitely a sense of humour will.Just remember,this too shall pass.All the best.

[LadyBeckstah4]

Thanks for your advice, I think I pretty much know how I need to move forward now. Although acting as though I'm not ashamed is easier said than done.

It's not an impossible situation, although they are my oldest and closest friends in the city where I grew up, I moved away to university last September and have a good group of friends here so I'm not exactly alone.

I guess I should have to take the blows and ride the storm out until it settles.

[I wish]

1) It's easy to blame others when things take a bad turn. Always look in the mirror first before dishing out accusations.

2) It's clear that your friends aren't exactly angels, but that doesn't mean that you should sink to their level.

3) Learn from your mistakes and don't make them again in the future.

4) I have to agree with the others, but you should definitely fnd new friends who aren't out to get you.

5) When you spend time learning from the past and doing better in the future, then you become a better person. When you become a better person, you deserve better friends. So don't sell yourself short.

[LadyBeckstah4]

Just to update you all on the situtation-

*I got abuse for a good few weeks, on the phone and via the net, I even had a website made about me
*Around 15 people I would've called a friend have completely cut me out
*I sent the girl in question a letter trying to explain things without causing any more trouble-e.g I tried not to mention anything he had said/done and concentrated on me
*She said I didn't answer any of the questions she wanted answering and my letter was bull and was all about how it had affected me and she didn't care
*When questioned about why she is with him yet has declared me evil and written me off she said I had 8 years of loyalty to her and they had broken up so anything he did back then was OK

I think the storm has died down now, although nobody is speaking to me still. I do have new friends, obviously I am upset that people I've known for years have decided to dismiss me when I've not done anything to them because everyone else is, but that is life and I just have to learn from the situation.

[talaniman]

That happens all the time when someone in a clique of friends gets pizzed at you. Cliques are just a polite name for a pack of friends.

No shame that you are no longer a part of them.