Check out some similar questions!

alikat · Dec 20, 2006, 12:26 PM

Ok, so here it goes. Over the summer I became involved with an old friend who was going through a divorce. We started talking in feb and didn't hang out until June when his wife moved out. We saw each other once or twice weekly(we both have children) He always treated me to dinner and drinks, and when we became intimate he paid for the hotel. I did offer to pay, and sometimes he would let me leave the tip.. anyway , we got along great, also did things with the kids.. I know his family... We had a lot in common.. things couldn't of been better... THEN.. he enters therapy... therapist tells him ,we should stop being intimate... so he tells me that we will still see each other(no sex) because we get along so well and he enjoys my company... Fast forward a few weeks, he texts me.. he needs time , he is mentally wrecked. I do know his divorce was getting ugly.. Now we don't, see each other, don't speak... and I am just baffled and hurt... I did try to attempt to get him to talk but he wouldn't respond. He did text me to have a happy holiday... How do I try to make sense of what happened? I can understand if there were problems... but to just vanish..

talaniman · Dec 20, 2006, 12:54 PM

It must be really rough if a guy is in counseling, so back off and let him work on his own stuff, which must be pretty serious. Leave him alone.

Bluerose · Dec 20, 2006, 12:59 PM

Do you know why he got divorced? I find it hard to believe a therapist told him to stop having sex with you. Sounds like something he came up with so as not to hurt your feelings. Maybe he does just need some time to get over the divorce. How long was he married? These relationship break-ups are like a kind of grieving process and it really takes time to get over something like that. Maybe you could simply let him know that you are there if he needs you. Let him know you understand. Maybe he is feeling too much pressure at the moment.

alikat · Dec 20, 2006, 01:37 PM

Thank you for your replys. I have left him alone. And the reason the therapist said no sex, is because she felt it clouded his judgement and he had a tendency to jump from relationship to relationship.. Thank you for your input!

justjamestx · Dec 21, 2006, 01:16 AM

I would just let him know that you are their for support and don't push to be with him at all. It really takes time to heal from any divorce. The amount of time required for such healing is really dependent on the person and the situation. Allow him this time for this healing and just be supportive of his attempting to get the help he needs. If he cares for you as much as you care for him, then when he is ready he will return.

Good Luck!!

ordinaryguy · Dec 21, 2006, 05:55 AM

Originally Posted by alikat

Thank you for your replys. I have left him alone. And the reason the therapist said no sex, is because she felt it clouded his judgement and he had a tendency to jump from relationship to relationship..Thank you for your input!

I'd say his therapist got it exactly right. Don't take it personally. He's in the middle of a nasty divorce and has no business in another relationship until he gets through that and spends some time healing and taking stock of himself. You don't say what your age and relationship history is, but the issue for you might be why you would get involved with a guy who was in his situation. Helping an old friend through a tough time is fine, but getting sexually and emotionally involved too soon isn't really a help to him, and has great risks for you, as you're presently learning. Leave him alone to do his work. I'd say give it at least another year before even considering being intimate with him. If that sounds like an intolerably long time, it may mean your motivation for being involved at all is more selfish than altruistic.

alikat · Dec 21, 2006, 10:25 AM

I do agree with all of your answers. We are not kids, we are both in our 30's. I do understand the whole logic behind us not dating anymore. I was more upset by the friendship also ending. I was also going through my own relationship issues at the time, and I guess I felt let down when I still didn't have the emotional support of our friendship. How do I let him know without seeming like a stalker, that I am sorry if I didn't quite leave it alone after it ended, but I was let down by the way he ended things w/me.. I guess the bottom line was that I thought the friendship would have continued.The thing is that in this word it is so very hard to find someone with whom you share the same values, and compatibility, and we did have that, we always did, (we've known each other for 6 years)so to totally just walk away from the "whole" thing just doesn't make sense.. Well sorry for rambling , its just this whole situation did a number on my head...

talaniman · Dec 21, 2006, 11:02 AM

What doesn't make sense is trying to have what is not yours. He has much to do to straighten out his life and you can't help.

Tuscany · Dec 21, 2006, 11:08 AM

Give him time. He is dealing with so much right now that maybe he feels he can't give you the time that you deserve. Let him get his life back in order. Let him deal with the death of his marriage... and remember everyone deals with that differently. Let him come back to you. If your friendship was strong then he will eventually miss the friendship that he found with you. Then you might be able to move forward again. The last thing you want to do right now is add more pressure to his life. That might lead to resentment, which would not be good at all.

alikat · Dec 21, 2006, 11:34 AM

I do not want to add pressure to his life. I am not trying to have what is not mine.. his wife is the one who ruined the relationship by being unfaithful... and he was partly mine for 4 months... We were there for each other to lean on in our difficult time.. and it was nice to escape the crap going on in our lives... I just didn't expect to be wiped out of hisl life. I now feel awkward when we run into each other and it would be nice if we could talk occasionally... I guess I should just get over it, I just hate that there is an awkwardness between us now that I think could have been avoided if he just would have talked to me honestly face to face instead of mislaeading me. Thank you everyone for your help.. I need to make it clear that I would be OK with just friendship... I am just hurt that now we don't even speak...

alikat · Dec 21, 2006, 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

What doesn't make sense is trying to have what is not yours. He has much to do to straighten out his life and you can't help.

Yes he does have to straighten out his life... but I am a human being with feelings and I deserved to be broken up with in person with an explanation. I didn't handle the whole situation well because of how he did it...

Wildcat21 · Dec 21, 2006, 02:11 PM

He gave you an explanation. I have to agree with the therapist.

You also were probably a rebound relationship. He may have several of those.

He may not be ready for a healthy relationship for a long time.

It wasn't healthy for him to jump into something - and probably worse for his kids - believe me.

I see a lot of the word 'I' in your posts. Is it always about you?

Wildcat21 · Dec 21, 2006, 02:13 PM

When I used to read on line ads and saw a lot of the 'I' in the posts - I'd run. Selfish people. Just a thought.

A loving person would give him space he needs and be busy with their own life.

alikat · Dec 21, 2006, 02:17 PM

Yes I have given him the space he needs, and did tell him I wish for him nothing but good things and to not be too hard on himself that he is a wonderful person and someday he will have a lot to offer someone... No I am very far from a selfish person... Just having a hard time dealing with my emotions..

talaniman · Dec 21, 2006, 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by alikat

Yes he does have to straighten out his life...but I am a human being with feelings and I deserved to be broken up with in person with an explanation. I didnt handle the whole situation well because of how he did it...

I doubt he could help himself given the circumstances. But I can understand you had no knowledge of what ails him, but after finding out then that changes things doesn't it?

Wildcat21 · Dec 21, 2006, 02:35 PM

Well that's good.

These things happen though when you make someone too early on too much of your life. They are part of your life - a small part - not your life.

Actually - it sounds like you really rushed things a little. Next time go slow. Be busy - do other things. You go fast and furious and you will crash and burn. And it hurts to crash.

I've heard you should not introduce your kids to a new up to even 8 months after dating. It's not healhty for them.

If he was married for a long time it may take a couple years for him to go into a healthy relatinship - and I mean healthy.

GO SLOW next - even with him if you get the chance. Why rush?

talaniman · Dec 21, 2006, 02:36 PM

Originally Posted by alikat

Yes I have given him the space he needs, and did tell him I wish for him nothing but good things and to not be too hard on himself that he is a wonderful person and someday he will have alot to offer someone...No I am very far from a selfish person...Just having a hard time dealing with my emotions..

I can understand finding something, and then losing it , its rough, I think you need a lot of time to to adjust to this new reality you find yourself in. I think actions will help get past this, as in building a life that you enjoy and doing the things you like to do. No one knows what the future may hold but we must be healthy to deal with it.

s_cianci · Dec 21, 2006, 07:07 PM

Something doesn't seem to add up here. Did his therapist really advise him to stop being intimate with you? That doesn't really sound like therapist-style advice, even if common sense may suggest that it's a wise move. Then after starting to see this therapist he's "mentally wrecked?" Granted he's certainly dealing with a lot of issues just from going through the divorce. However, if his feelings and way of responding have changed as abruptly as you say they have then I think there's something else going on here. Whether it has anything to do with you remains to be seen. You state that you saw each other "once or twice weekly." Were you overly needy or clingy? Maybe he felt that he was being smothered by you and needed some space, especially so he could deal with the divorce and the impact on his children. In any case, you're going to have to lay low for a while and give him the space he says he needs. Let him contact you when he's ready.

s_cianci · Dec 21, 2006, 07:08 PM

Originally Posted by bluerose

Do you know why he got divorced? I find it hard to believe a therapist told him to stop having sex with you. Sounds like something he came up with so as not to hurt your feelings. Maybe he does just need some time to get over the divorce. How long was he married? These relationship break-ups are like a kind of grieving process and it really takes time to get over something like that. Maybe you could simply let him know that you are there if he needs you. Let him know you understand. Maybe he is feeling too much pressure at the moment.

Had to spread it Blue but I think this hits it on the head.

chuff · Dec 21, 2006, 10:32 PM

Originally Posted by alikat

Thank you for your replys. I have left him alone. And the reason the therapist said no sex, is because she felt it clouded his judgement and he had a tendency to jump from relationship to relationship..Thank you for your input!

Man, I wish we could get that therapist to help us here. That's really great advice.

Alikat, I agree with you that he could and should have handled his break up better by doing in person but that being said, this man is going through incredible pain. He just lost his wife and family structure. To his credit he knows he's having trouble and he's taking action by seeing a therapist. If I were as emotionally distraught as he must be I hope that I would be in the right frame of mind to know that I have to turn over my life to the hand of the therapist. He realizes that in order for him to make improvements in the future it starts with doing the therapy today. Like I said I agree the break up could have been handled better but if you truly care about this guy support him, don't belittle him.