[pitufita]

Threads merged

Ok, this is a bizarre question, so bare with me.
My boyfriend (fiance actually) broke up with me this past December. We were going to get married, he said he had doubts, we started having arguments and he broke it off. We spent a couple months in touch, him saying he was confused and didn't know what to do, etc, until in March we had a huge fight and I started No Contact (sort of). After a week he said he had a new girlfriend. Did some research and found out that the new girlfriend is actually a Scammer and he has already sent him a couple thousand dollars (don't ask me how I know). I don't want to get in the way and by that time I was already into No Contact again. It's too hard to explain but I decided that he should learn from his own mistakes so I removed myself from his life. 2 weeks passed and yesterday I was minding my own business when my Skype started ringing. It was him. I picked up.
He asked how I was, I said I was fine, got a promotion, etc (very laid back and happy), asked him how he was, he said he was fine, we joked around a bit. Then, after a 7 minute conversation and since he was talking also on msn while we were skyping (I could hear the incomming message alarm) I told him I was going to call it a night, because I was tired and I could see he was also busy on msn. Then it got (even more) weird. When I said that, he said his girlfriend was online but that he wasn't talking to her, but with another woman who wanted him to send a picture of himself. He said "I should send her a picture of you, I still have your pictures and I look at them from time to time". When he said that, I told him that if he is going to send someone a picture he should send a picture of his girlfriend (everything in a very relaxed, cheerful tone... And the Oscar goes to... ) He said he didn't need pictures of his girlfriend because she was coming to see him next week. I told him "Really, that's good" and said again I had to go. He said "Ok, I love you, bye", then I said "bye" and hung up quickly.
He skyped again two seconds later and said: "I meant to say I love you like a friend, I don't want you to get any ideas", I said "Don't worry, i didnt, goodnight" and he said "wow, its great to see that smile again". I said "Ok, talk to you some other time, bye". And hung up (me being very laid back and cheerful)
And today, it gets even MORE weird (and heartbreaking). I go on Facebook and saw his profile. It said "I am in love". Someone asked what did he mean and he said he was in love with his new girlfriend who is coming,blah blah blah. He goes on msn (he is blocked now) and his msn name says "I love ..." So he is venting to anyone who wants to see how in love he is with this person (who, is not even a real person) I find it bizarre that he starts doing this after we spoke last night.
As I said, this alleged girlfriend is someone he met online, and, I found out, a scammer. They exchange emails and they speak on msn, they have "known" each other for about 2 months now. He has sent a lot of money to her (or him, who knows) and she has already blow him off from going to "meet" him once. She is supposed to go see him next week as he told me, but she won't go, because she is scamming him. I haven't told him I know this person is a scammer because I know for a fact he has fallen for romance scams before (at least 2 times before this one) and he needs to find out for himself in order to learn. Tough love. And because we are in no contact... supposedly.
So, to whoever bothered to read this whole thing. WHAT DO I DO?? I LOVE him, I was going to marry him around this date so, no, I am not over him. I know he is not really in love with her because they haven't even met face to face, not even skyped. The reason why we broke up is really complicated, mainly him being confused and not ready. We loved each other profoundly but he got lost in the way and he couldn't deal with the pressure of things (we were both under a lot of pressure). I know we are meant to be and it killls me to see he is in such a weird place, but I also don't know what to do. I think what happened after our talk is ODD to say the least and I need someone to help me understand.

[amicon]

You should go complete no contact and leave him and his complicated lovelife in the past.

You need to heal from the breakup,and you'll only prolong that process by staying in touch with him and by checking out his profile on FB.

[thadevilsadvocate]

It's too hard to explain but I decided that he should learn from his own mistakes so I removed myself from his life.


i know for a fact he has fallen for romance scams before (at least 2 times before this one) and he needs to find out for himself in order to learn. Tough love.

You have already told yourself what you need to do, twice in your own post. I know you said that you are meant to be, but not to be blunt, but quite simply if that was the case, then he would not be doing the things that he chooses to do, and one of those choices, is to not be with you. He sounds like he has plenty of issues, and the sooner you make those issues his, and not yours, the sooner you will be on your way to a much happier life. This is about you, and your healing. As you said, he can learn things on his own terms, in his own life, without you.

[pitufita]

I know and that's what I am trying to stay away, but at the same time I also know we belong together. He does have issues, as do I. I know that my healing and his healing have to happen without eachother's presence. I do want him back one day, when we both learn what we need to learn in order to be together and happy, when we deal with out issues, but I also know that is not happening right now. It takes time. I need healing, he needs healing and the relationship needs healing. I also know that it might never happen
But my question wasn't about me as much as it is me trying to understand what the %&%&%$ is going on. I need someone who can, with a cool head, itnerpret somehow what happened. Before our 7 minute talk last night he rarely mentioned this alleged girlfriend and now he is parading around town saying how much in love he is with a person he doesn't even really know

[CarrotTalker]

There's not much to it, other than his is immature and wants to play mind games.

Is this seriously someone you want to consider marrying with and having children with?

[thadevilsadvocate]

Okay, basically what has happened so far, according to your post, is that he began to have doubts with your relationship, and then only a week later, had another girlfriend. Now he says that he loves this woman... I know you say that you would want him back someday, and that may be what YOU want, but it appears as though he doesn't share that same feeling. This is something that is very difficult to accept/understand, but this belief that we are "meant to be" with the person that just broke up with us or left us, is what drags us by the hair and makes our lives miserable, until we can come to understand, that if we were meant to be, he wouldn't be with another girl a week later and then saying that he loved her shortly thereafter? You had the right idea by going no contact, and you should stick with that. Start working on healing yourself, and moving on with your life, instead of wasting your time waiting around for something that most likely will never happen. You should be glad that you don't need to be a part of his issues. He has moved on and that is what you need to do as well, regardless of whether he is dating a "scammer" or not.

Think about what he has done to you... do you think you would ever do that to someone you loved?

I am not attempting to come across in a negative way, but I am trying to simple explain what it seems is going on.

[pitufita]

Actually no, we broke up in December and he started dating this person online just now (3 weeks ago aproximately). Right before that he was still "confused"

[thadevilsadvocate]

Okay, fair enough, you broke up back in December, however, this doesn't really change all that much. He was confused, and now has clearly shown you that he is no longer confused and has chosen to not only be with this girl, but to tell you that he "loves you only in a friend kind of way", and then tell the whole world that he is love with the other girl. He even went out of his way to make sure you knew that he only meant that he loved you as a friend. I know it is harder to see from your stance, and far easier to see from our angles, but he has moved on and has made the decision to involve another woman in his life, which isn't you, on top of ending your engagement.

He is not worthy of your care and concern for him, and he lastly, doesn't even deserved a drop of blood from your heart.

[pitufita]

I am not in denial though, I get what you are all saying, wish I could explain any further. He is actually a very good man, we had a beautiful relationship that unfortunately didn't end well. After that, even though I am the one who has grieved the most, he has been in a very bad place, very lost and to top all that now this started happenning 3 weeks ago.
When he told me he was seeing someone (3 weeks ago) I stopped all contact with him. He sent me an email I didn't reply and after a week we ran into each other. We talked briefly, he told me again he was sorry (same thing he told me on the email I didn't reply) I told him it was OK and wished him luck. No contact again, this time for two weeks, and then the skype thing happened last night.
It just strikes me as odd that he would choose the night after we talked after 2 weeks of no contact, call in which I was non responsive to his games, to tell the world how much in love he is with this person he barely knows, but at the same time, since I don't have a clear head when it comes to him, I don't know if I am being crazy for thinking it is somehow related.
I know he doesn't want me back now, he is infatuated with this other person, but it was just odd how he would say how he loved seeing my smile, how he looks at my pictures from time to time, etc and that, after I didn't respond the way he would expect me to (being all gloomy and telling him I miss him too and what not), he goes and spreads the word about this new relationship (he didn't tell anyone besides me and a couple other people he was actually seeing her).


Oh, and, devil's advocate, I don't think you are wrong at all with what you are saying, I am just trying to understand motives here. I thank you endlessly for taking the time to reply. Xxxxx

[vanheart]

You got to block him. No contact, full on.

He's confused, yet doesn't like you going NC. c'mon.

He doesn't really want you. Accept that. He's shown you that.

And, start living your life without him.

[pitufita]

OK, I again apreciate the answers, I get what you are all saying but that is NOT what I am asking. I need someone with a clear head to give me an opinion on his actions. Not related to me moving on, him not wanting to be with me, but an opinion on whether or not the two things (his call and the next day him saying what he said) are related. The other things I am dealing with on my own. Thanks again everyone

[pitufita]

Threads merged

So. I begun the "no contact" process without really knowing what it was (it was something I decided to do naturally before realizing it was a whole "process"). My ex and I are no longer together and there has been periods of NC. Last period of NC lasted 2 weeks and he called me, I managed the conversation according to what I've learnt are the things you are supposed to do (keeping it short and light, no arguing, etc). But after the talk he got weird and was telling everyone who wanted to hear how he was in love with this person he just met.
Regardless of that, I've hear that No Contact doesn't work when there's no NC Message, but considering we've broken up a while ago and I already started no contact and he already called me back, I don't know how the NC message would work now.
THOUGHTS?

[nicobottema]

You don't need a no contact message. Just stay no contact. If he calls, don't respond, and at most text him that you wish to not have contact at all any longer (or as long as you need to get over it).


The way you're saying that it won't work though gives me the idea that you might not be doing it for the right reasons. Are you secretly hoping to have things work out? No contact is to get over someone and become a new strong person, not to have someone miss you and maybe get things to work out. The end is the end and not hopefully a new beginning.

[pitufita]

I don't know what I really want actually, I just know I can't deal with him right now. I am asking because I've heard tons of things about no contact from people who either want to move on or get back. I just want to do it right, whatever I end up doing, but at the same time keep some dignity and not do things that will come out as standoffish.
If you say that its not necessary then I agree because I don't feel comfortable doing it now, I think that ship sailed

[amicon]

Do no contact for yourself,to as it seems in this case,to heal from a breakup.

No need to send any messages,and don't reply to his texts or calls.

[I wish]

Check out the NC related threads in my signature.

I don't know what NC message you're referring to, but I'm sure the threads will answer your question.

Bottom line, if it involves unnecessary contact, then don't do it.

[pitufita]

Thanks

[Homegirl 50]

OK this is what I think.
I think he called you to see if you were still hung up on him and when he found out that you're not, he did the I love the other lady" thing to "show you"
How old is this man? This is teenage boy type stuff.

You may love him, but you should be glad he's gone because he has not yet grown up and you will be going through changes with him a lot.
Continue NC. He is so not worth it.

[pitufita]

Thanks homegirl. He is actually 29, I am 28, we were going to get married around... now. He clearly has a lot of growing up to do, hence the freakout over the marriage and what has happened in time.
Continuing NC... it is freaking HARD

[Homegirl 50]

I would imagine it is, but keep it up.
This man has a ways to go and at this point and time he is not worthy of the pain you are going through.

He has a lot of growing up to do. He probably has no clue that what he did was dirty.