[amicon]

Ignore her stupid games.
Don't let her manipulate you into a reaction.

Find things to do with your time and make plans for your future.

Its all about you now,your life your choices.

[vanheart]

There it is. Point by point.

[Homegirl 50]

I guess I'm the odd woman out.
I don't understand how this woman is so awful she is acting a bit immature, but both of you are.

Both instances it has been you that has made a call or text and when she responds, you decide not to respond back.
You text her remember? Then you decided again to ignore her reply. She sees you being the one playing the games.
Leave her alone, get over it, but take responsibility for your part in this mess.

[BillRoland]

Thank you all for the advice.

Homegirl50, you seem to always come down on the opposite side here - and I can understand that. There are always two different sides to a story. However, in this case, SHE was the one that said "she wanted a break" and wanted time to "find herself". When all of this initially happened, I responded that I wanted to do everything I could to keep her and work things out. Her response was, "I don't feel that way". There were at least two times after this initial conversation when I asked to see her, she told me "That would only make things more difficult" and "I need some time". So, I gave her what she wanted; time to herself. I responded, to her one time out of weakness to email her simply her that I was also unhappy as well with the way things ended, but since then cut off contact.

I would have to agree with everyone here, but also because I know her and believe it to be true: she thought she could take this time to go out have fun/date other people and possibly keep me on the back burner waiting for her. I know for a fact that she texted this one guy, John, to go out with him the day after she was with me for the last time. Then she ONLY contacts me when she is feeling lonely or doesn't have any other plans and expects me to respond. When I don't she gets angry. As she did yesterday.

I don't doubt that she partially blames me for how things currently are and I don't doubt that she misses me and is having a rough time with the break up too. We were together for 5 years. But SHE was the one that said she wanted out of the relationship and I haven't heard ONE thing from her indicating that she made a mistake, wants me back or it was the wrong decision - ONLY that she "misses me" and "things are different". In her message last night, she told me to off and said "you had your chance and I hope you know what you lost", but that was only AFTER she thought I was over her from not contacting her anymore. My guess was, it was based on her now feeling rejection and anger from realizing I would not be there on the back burner for her to have only when it was convenient for her. NOT that she was actually trying to work things out - because she didn't? She contacted me when it was easy for her.

I believe that even if I had responded and run back to her, it would have been the same cycle: thank you for being here, I miss you too, but I still don't want to be in a relationship with you, and I still want time to do whatever I want. That, over everything else, is why I won't reply - not because I'm playing games. But because, nothing has changed, and me opening the door to contact her will ONLY result in the same vicious cycle and more pain on my part. I still love her and believe that I may never find someone as good as her for me, but as much as I want to respond, I can't because I can't deal with the rejection and pain I have gone through over the past weeks again - and I refuse to try and be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think you ought to be with her and I remember your saying she wanted the break up, but I also remember that you went NC with her first to get back at her, then you in a moment of weakness contacted her again and when she text you back, you decided again not to reply.

My point is you are being as indecisive as she is. You are both playing games. All I'm saying is don't paint her the heavy, you have responsibility in this too.

[talaniman]

Sounds like the game playing is about over because our friend Bill is finally seeing the light. Way to go, now cope with those feelings. Once you know where they come from, then you can make a plan to deal with them effectively.

[amicon]

Some great insights there,stick to them.

Good luck.

[vanheart]

Bill,

What you have said is true & a great start.

Refer to that whenever you feel weak.

While you are going through the healing, do some digging on who you are.
Childhood, parents, relationships, actions, decisions, everything.

A great exercise & an invaluable understanding. May shed some light and open doors.

[BillRoland]

So after the angry voicemail and making it through 2 more days of NC, I was feeling good and thought this could possibly be the end of it. What else could she say after telling someone to "Go F*** themselves and you had your chance"?

Wrong.

So again without me initating contact, tonight I get an email from her telling me she is moving into her new place next weekend. Why?

Without thinking rationally and in the heat of passion, I responded telling her to stop emailing me and calling me. That I knew about John, the guy she was talking to while she was with me. And that I don't want to stay in touch with a person who would decided that someone else was more important than me.

I wrote this half wanting closure so that she would stop contacting me and half secretly hoping that she would feel some remorse and say that part of her did still want to be with me and she was sorry for all the bulls*** she put me through. Why else would she be constantly emailing me and calling me over the past days even if I was not responding unless she cared?

Her email response, simply, "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." If she moved past it, then when is she still contacting me?

At first it was like a dagger. Right now, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But I still feel like another little piece of me has died. No remorse, no regret, no sympthay, nothing.

Should have maintained NC. I guess time to start all over again. This would have been so much easier if she would have just left me alone. This time NC for ever no matter what, can't handle any more of the mind games and cold heartedness.

[vanheart]

She is just trying to make you feel like crap. You took the bait.

The more you listen, the more it will hurt. Stop engaging with her.

Try blocking her email address.

[BillRoland]

I just got a sudden wave of depression and sadness. For some reason now, I can't stop thinking about her being sexually with another guy? Making me physically ill. How to get over this?

[vanheart]

Stop thinking about that.
Occupy your thoughts with nice things.

[bella99]

Reread what all of us said about not contacting her - about how she will continue to contact u - and how you should not read into any of it. She will NEVER respond to you in a way that will make you feel better, as you are starting to learn.

No contact means - no contact - period. If she writes, delete it with out reading it, or at least don't respond. Every time you respond it makes you seem weak to her, and she gets a little more power over you.

Its really really really hard not to respond to people when they write, especially when you keep hoping that things will change - but they aren't going to. Would you want to be with a lady who had the audacity to treat you this way?

Perhaps you need to write out a letter to her telling her all the terrible things to get it out of your system. DO NOT MAIL, FAX, EMAIL, OR IN ANYWAY GIVE HER THIS LETTER! Burn it or, post it on AMHD. This is only for you to get it out.

Maybe you also need to make alist of all of the things you didn't like about her, and all of the mean things she has done to you, and every time you feel crappy - read that list.

[vanheart]

Yup. Good exercise especially when you are feeling crappy about breaking NC again.

I did all that. Have a packed file folder.

Wrote all that stuff. I compared good & bad points for myself & her. Was brutally honest too. You should have seen how the bad outweighed the good with her.

Then I took a look at mine & really started digging deep.
Everything.

I still dig. And dig it.

[vanheart]

Was just thinking how even after a year, I catch myself putting my thoughts in context with my ex. Then move on.

Quite crazy.

Residual effects that only help me. 5 years is a bit to bounce back from.

Time & work, man.

[BillRoland]

I may be dealing with the most manipulative person ever written about on this board. This morning, after receiving the email yesterday about moving out, my response in weakness asking her to stop emailing/calling and hoping for an apology for a few things, and her reply "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." And me deciding right there never to contact her again based on the type of person she is.

This morning, I get another email: "I''m sorry. My last email was uncalled for. I had a very rough day and am very emotional right now and am obviously having a hard time dealing with this. I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

[Newguy2009]

I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

Leeave it at that. Its time for to regain your dignity and she is giving you that opportunity now. You have the power now. So don't slip up again.

Good luck buddy!

[Homegirl 50]

You are too busy trying to read hidden messages in everything she does. There are none and I don't see her has "the most manipulative person."

As my Newguy 2009 just said. "Leave it at that. Its time for to regain your dignity and she is giving you that opportunity now. You have the power now. So dont slip up again."

[the_original]

I may be dealing with the most manipulative person ever written about on this board. This morning, after receiving the email yesterday about moving out, my response in weakness asking her to stop emailing/calling and hoping for an apology for a few things, and her reply "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." And me deciding right there never to contact her again based on the type of person she is.

This morning, I get another email: "I''m sorry. My last email was uncalled for. I had a very rough day and am very emotional right now and am obviously having a hard time dealing with this. I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

After that you stay NC... and damnit man give yourself time to heal!

[BillRoland]

Not sure what you mean by "regain my dignity" and "have the power now". I didn't think this was a game for power and regarding "dignity" not even sure how that comes into play. She has been the one calling/emailing me - I responded twice - not asking for her back but asking for her to leave me alone. "Dignity" would be if I WAS begging for her back, her constantly rejecting me saying she had no interest, and then her saying that she did want me back. Hence, I would have lost my dignity from pining over her and need to regain it. I was under the impression the NC process was for individual healing - not for trying to retain power or dignity.

Regardless, I agree, the best advice at this point is to probably walk away knowing she cares, but still maintain NC for good now no matter what. Maybe after some time very far down the road we can reconcile our differences, if that is what is best for both of us. Or, not.

On a related topic: Homegirl 50, interesting that you again say that you "don't see her as a manipulative person" and again disagree about how her actions could possibly be bad. So, I read some of your other posts on advice relating to a breaks up where the woman may have acted badly and is criticized for it. In EVERY case you side with and defend the female no matter what. For example, just in the last month, Thread: My girlfriend wants to break up / move on.. help? You argued, "why is she the bad person?" when she kept stringing the man along, AND in the thread: A girl with a boyfriend, likes me" you stated, "I'm not understanding why some are blaming her and making her out to be a no good person" when she was doing things behind her boyfriends back, and many many more. I also see that you are a single parent. I don't know your current situation, but based on this, I would guess that you likely have been burned by a man in the past and that is reflected in your advice. Do you have some sort of bias? I'm not attacking you in the slightest bit, I just honestly want to make sure I know what perspective your advice is coming from.