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hidden123 · Sep 17, 2008, 08:02 AM

Hi,
I met my ex October of 2001 - which now makes almost 7 years. At the time I was 24 and he 43. We hit it off from the first date and I fell in love head over the hills. I felt - and feel till now that it was the only time I've ever been in love, even though I was briefly married before.

After a wile the relationship became very complicated - because he had commitment issues. At least I think that's what the reasons always were... Not that he cheated on me - that was never really the issue - but whenever we got closer - he's eventually pulled away.

Last time we were broken up for 6 months. When we started to get back together - I told him that we either move in together - or I am not willing to get back into the relationship. And in addition - I promised him and myself that this was the last try at relationship.

We moved in and lived together for 2.5 years.. After about 2 years it was becoming extremely evident - that it was coming back to the same circle of excluding me out of his life... He was saying that he didn't want to break up with me but that he never wanted to live with anyone. Eventually, when he was on one of his trips I rented an apt. He had another trip coming up shortly - I moved when he was gone... I was also pregnant... I had an abortion. I moved to a new part of the town where I wouldnt' bump into him.. and built my life what it felt like from scratch.

We were out of contact for about 7 months or so... than there was a text from him that he is missing me... little by little we started texting.. weeks apart.

About a month ago I saw him for the first time... I saw him last week again - and we were intimate.

I've been dating different pple in between - but end up breaking up or pulling away from each one of them eventually since I don't find them stimulating.. the dates seem forced.. and mostly I'd rather be by myself..

Seeing him this time in a way was like coming home. We spent a night and the next day together...

At first I felt very confused... I don't feel anxious or unhappy now, but I don't know what my next step should be if or when we come in contact again..

I "gave him" my 20s I don't want to give him my 30s - without something solid in return..

I'd appreciate any advise...

talaniman · Sep 18, 2008, 10:43 AM

I "gave him" my 20s I don't want to give him my 30s - without something solid in return..

How about losing this guy from your life period. Take the time to heal, and move on, and stop playing the yo yo game, and expecting different results. Thats insanity, as crazy as always expecting he will change,for you.

Change yourself, and rebuild a life you enjoy, and are happy with yourself about. Without him in it!!

hidden123 · Feb 21, 2010, 09:35 AM

Threads merged

My Ex and I met over 8 years ago.. and I fell head over heels. He is 20 years older than me.. and I guess he sort of swept me off my feet...
We lived together for a wile, broke up, didn't speak for months... got back together - moved in together... broke up again.. I am aware of how crazy it sounds but - it's been going on for son long - there're just too many details that happen over years.

Bottom line.. last time we broke up - was about 3 years ago... wow.. I moved about 40 min away - got a new job.. But never totally moved on. We didn't speak for about 9 months.. than I got a text from him.. things started slow.. we started seeing each other again.. although never got any commitment.. After not seeing him - being with him was like a great dream I didn't want to wake up from. But - eventually I always wake up - and I always ultimately wake up alone...

Now we have been speaking - seeing each other - on and off but never with actual commitment for over a year...

Bottom line: he started this business that we discussed for years... it's his baby, etc etc. I am a graphic/website designer and I can help him out a lot with it. The thing is though - I can't do that. My emotions get involved - and when he is contacting me - just to see if I did this or that design for him - that hurts me more than not being contacted at all!

What I don't understand - is - weather he is asking me to do any of this stuff for him (for money) is to keep me attached or what? He says that he trusts me because He knows Id do good work and that he wanted to give me the business if he had to pay someone. But - this man is 50 years old - doesn't he get the point that it doesn't just work like that for me? I don't get it... I know I'm rabmling.. I've been reading posts on this site for a couple of years... this is a first time I'm posting one of my own...

amicon · Feb 21, 2010, 10:14 AM

After so many years of break up/make up and on/off and no commitment, I think it's time to close the book on this relationship.

You are still a young woman,but do you really want to be in this same situation another ten years down the road?

What do YOU want from life ?
What are your plans?

Take charge of your life,close the door on him and let it stay shut.

As for his business,let him take it elsewhere,where it's stricktly business.

hoosiergirl65 · Feb 21, 2010, 10:24 AM

I agree. Unless you don't care to ever have a stable relationship or marriage to someone, I would forget this man. He is just stringing you along. And I find it weird that after all those live-in relationships that now he wants to run a business with you? Sounds to me you both want each other to string along and come back into your lives just whenever. Don't waste your life this way; you are still young. You will regret it when you are his age I would be willing to bet. There is someone out there that can commit if that's you want, but you'll never be able to find that out if you're constantly in and out of this relationship with him...

talaniman · Feb 21, 2010, 10:34 AM

Hi again Hidden, I do remember your other posts very well ,and glad your back.

Lets clear something up here, you already know what's best for you, and that's not taking his business, because you see it as something other than business, with him. I doubt it, and doubt you can work together in business, while you still have feelings, and you do, or you wouldn't worry about his intentions, you would do your job, and get paid no matter what he thought.

Yes it seems much easier to keep hoping, and keep getting disappointed, while you can stay close to each other, but NO CONTACT forever is your solution.

It was before, and still is now.

hidden123 · Feb 22, 2010, 10:56 AM

Thanks guys for everyone's advise... the weird thing I didn't even realize I posted this in 2008 once before! Crazy.. I know what I NEED to do.. I'm working on it.. every minute is a struggle now.. I'm trying to snap out of it... The thing is - it makes it hard to work - because I need to be focused for my work.. Agghh

Hi again Hidden, I do remember your other posts very well ,and glad your back.

Lets clear something up here, you already know what's best for you, and that's not taking his business, because you see it as something other than business, with him. I doubt it, and doubt you can work together in business, while you still have feelings, and you do, or you wouldn't worry about his intentions, you would do your job, and get paid no matter what he thought.

Yes it seems much easier to keep hoping, and keep getting disappointed, while you can stay close to each other, but

Originally Posted by talaniman

NO CONTACT forever is your solution.

It was before, and still is now.

Forever?

I agree. Unless you don't care to ever have a stable relationship or marriage to someone, I would forget this man. He is just stringing you along. And I find it weird that after all those live-in relationships that now he wants to run a business with you?

Originally Posted by hoosiergirl65

Sounds to me you both want each other to string along and come back into your lives just whenever.

Don't waste your life this way; you are still young. You will regret it when you are his age I would be willing to bet. There is someone out there that can commit if that's you want, but you'll never be able to find that out if you're constantly in and out of this relationship with him...

Hi Hoosiergirl - thanks for your advise... but in which way is it that I am stringing him along?. I"m a little confused about that part..

hidden123 · Feb 23, 2010, 06:56 AM

He called me to ask again yesterday (I thought things were clear already)... It was really hard but I told him that I can't do it and that I wish him all best..

talaniman · Feb 23, 2010, 07:15 AM

That's probably the best way to handle this. Why be in a situation where you will be uncomfortable, and distracted?

Maybe this will finally be put behind you.

hidden123 · Feb 23, 2010, 07:24 AM

Yes, thank you Talaniman... He actually tried to use a guilt trip on me.. saying that I was letting him down.. but I'm sure even if he doesn't admit it - he knows that is not the issue here...

I have my own life/business to focus on.. and in a way I feel a relief that I took a stand..

hoosiergirl65 · Feb 23, 2010, 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by hidden123

Thanks guys for everyone's advise... the weird thing I didn't even realize I posted this in 2008 once before! Crazy.. I know what I NEED to do.. I'm working on it.. every minute is a struggle now..I'm trying to snap out of it... The thing is - it makes it hard to work - because I need to be focused for my work.. Agghh

Forever?

Hi Hoosiergirl - thanks for your advise... but in which way is it that I am stringing him along?..I"m a little confused about that part..

I apologize, you're right. I had been reading several posts and sounds like I was reading this one but had another one which was similar in my mind too. YOU are not string him along. HE is stringing you along. Sorry about that. I know how hard it is, a break-up, no matter how big or small a relationship is. I just went through an emotional attachment, nothing else. Just texting. Then we decided it needed to stop and might lead to more ( we are both in unhappy marriages). I miss him SO much! It is SO hard not to contact him. But maybe, someday, things will work out if we're not married, maybe not. I know my situation is not as deep as yours but just wanted you to know that I know a little bit how you feel and hope things go good for you...

racquel58 · Feb 23, 2010, 07:54 AM

It must be so hard for you having that emotional attachment for such a long time, and would have taken a lot of strength on your part to cut the ties. So I hope you feel proud. You are still young and you will find what you are looking for from someone worthwhile.

I don't have much to offer on the topic, but I also had a relationship where I was waiting for him to change, trying to change myself so that he would change, waiting for more respect, more commitment... then you get that little bit more so you have a glimmer of hope, yet things are still the same and still not good enough ornot quite what you want/ need... but those little changes keep you on the line constantly hoping for more little changes... til you realise how much time you wasted! I hope you still feel happy with your decision and stick to it

hidden123 · Feb 23, 2010, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by hoosiergirl65

I apologize, you're right. I had been reading several posts and sounds like I was reading this one but had another one which was similar in my mind too. YOU are not string him along. HE is stringing you along. Sorry about that. I know how hard it is, a break-up, no matter how big or small a realtionship is. I just went thru an emotional attachment, nothing else. Just texting. Then we decided it needed to stop and might lead to more ( we are both in unhappy marriages). I miss him SO much! It is SO hard not to contact him. But maybe, someday, things will work out if we're not married, maybe not. I know my situation is not as deep as yours but just wanted you to know that I know a little bit how you feel and hope things go good for you...

Thank you Hoosiergirl.. although your situation is different.. it's still so hard to let go...

hidden123 · Feb 23, 2010, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by racquel58

I was waiting for him to change, trying to change myself so that he would change, waiting for more respect, more commitment...then you get that little bit more so you have a glimmer of hope, yet things are still the same and still not good enough ornot quite what you want/ need...but those little changes keep you on the line constantly hoping for more little changes...til you realise how much time you wasted! I hope you still feel happy with your decision and stick to it

Hi Racquel.. this is very similar to what I've been going through all these years.. and it made me so weak - I don't even recognize myself anymore!. I'm still feeling good about my decision.. In a way it's self preservation.. I'm taking a day at a time and praying to stay strong and focus on MY life..

racquel58 · Feb 23, 2010, 08:30 AM

I think that's such a great achievement! What a strong person you are! Well done =oD

I wish · Feb 23, 2010, 08:55 AM

If I am reading this correctly, you have been with this man since you were in your teens, while he was in his late 30s. That doesn't sound very appropriate to me. But 8 years later, let's focus on the present.

The present situation is that you've given each other 8 years to make this relationship work. That's more than enough time. If he hasn't provided what you want and deserve in a relationship, then chances are it won't happen.

Any break up is difficult. Especially in your situation where you've dedicated your entire adult life to him. You can't expect to get over him in 1 night. The pain might get more and more difficult as the days go on, but once it reaches its pinacle point, it will only get easier from there.

Check out the NC related threads in my signature. NC is an effective tool to help you heal. As for the NC forever, you don't even need to think that far. At this point, focus on recovering day-by-day. Focus on making progress every day. It will get easier, but you just need to give yourself time.

Be patient with yourself. If you break the NC rules and build false hope for yourself, you're only going to drag out the healing process by resetting the progress you make.

hidden123 · Feb 23, 2010, 01:02 PM

Thanks I Wish,. I was in my early 20s and he was in early 40s.. but any way. That was than..

I guess the real hard part (or one of them) is to not pick up the phone.. he already called me today.. but either way... I'm just focusing on my work and getting through the day.. Thanks for your advise!

hidden123 · Feb 23, 2010, 03:23 PM

Agghhh - I love designing... but working from home at this point doesn't make it any easier...

I wish · Feb 23, 2010, 03:38 PM

Sorry about that, but that would put you both over 30 and 50 respectively. At 50+ years old and he hasn't settled down yet, chances are, he's not going to settle down.

Love may not have an age, but in your situation, I think that the age gap plays a huge role.

You've already given him 8 years of your life and you don't seem happy at all.

Time to find happiness elsewhere.

It's not easy to heal from a break up of a long term relationship, but you will get through it. It will take time. You need to be patient with yourself.

Find ways to distract yourself as much as possible so that you don't have to dwell on your heartbreak. Go do things for yourself to better yourself.

hidden123 · Feb 23, 2010, 03:54 PM

Thanks, I wish.. Yes, I'm 32 and he's 52 at this point and he has never been married and no kids... So.. I agree with you. He never will..

He called me today to pick up this DVD he gave me at some point last week.. I doubt he needs it.. guess just to make sure I'd pick up the phone. Agghh...