[pinkangelgirl]

Hi guys, I'm new to this forum and just wanted to ask for some advice. Ive been married a few months now and feeling very depressed and isolated. I was feeling like this before the wedding because I don't have much of a social life and me and my partner fight a lot. I was pressured into this wedding by my partner and his family and to do things their way. It really hurt me a lot and now I'm just feeling very alone but stuck because I don't believe in divorce. We try to work things out but it feels like a losing battle. Sometimes I feel I should just be quiet and accept that my life will never be the same again, yet sometimes I feel I want some control back and want to have a life with friends and family and work etc. Im just so lost and confused. Any thoughts?

[Gemini54]

How did you get into a situation where you were pressured into marriage?

Why would you marry someone that you didn't want to marry when you don't believe in divorce?

What does your family say about this?

I guess what I would say, is that you have to stop being passive. It seems as if you're allowing other people to make important decisions for you and when you find that you're unhappy with the outcome, your only response is acceptance.

Of course you're feeling depressed and isolated! You're not being true to yourself, and in fact, you're not being true to others as well.

I would suggest that the first thing you need to do is to speak to a counsellor. Community Health Centres in Australia often have free counselling. With an objective outsider you can discuss what brought you to this point and what your options are. Alternatively, depending on your ethnicity, there are some great ethnic counseling services.

It may be that your marriage is salvageable, it may not. In any case you need to start making some informed choices for yourself according to what you want and to what is good for you.

Start by taking back control for yourself and speak to a counselor about all of this. They will help you sort through your confusion and give you strategies for coping.

[88sunflower]

You don't believe in divorce but you believe in marrying someone you don't want to be married to? Do you even love this person?

Before the marriage gets farther along you need to step up and make changes now. Only you can do that.

Are there children involved? If you don't believe in divorce you truly won't believe in it if children come along. That will only complicate matters for you.

You don't have to accept your life for what it is and no one has to make you. You can make the changes to be happy. It's a choice that only you can make and pursue.

[Jake2008]

A friend of mine had doubts before she married too, but went ahead with the wedding, thinking that it was just pre-marriage jitters.

The wedding took place in the Bahamas, and she realized only when she said the 'I do's', that she had made a mistake, but by then, it was too late to back out.

When they all arrived back in Canada, she went one way, and her husband went another. Both have since found other partners.

I tell you this because it is easy to get caught up in the moment. All the planning, preparations, bookings, commitments, showers, expectations, etc. and so on, rolls on so fast you don't sometimes have time to catch your breath. And when you do, you have some very serious doubts.

It is really important that you seek counselling to help you sort through these feelings. If you ultimately decide that the whole thing was a mistake, then have the courage to leave, and let him go. You are doing no favours in staying in a loveless marriage for either of you.

You may discover the opposite, and realize that the stress overwhelmed you, and real life is setting in, and you are struggling to find your footing as a married woman. Not getting along and arguing is something that can be worked out, but you need to both learn how to communicate, and not argue, otherwise nothing gets resolved.

Before you decide one way or the other, be honest with yourself and accept that you have to be an active participant in deciding your future.

[pinkangelgirl]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess there's a lot of missing information because I didn't want to make the post too long. The reason I let pple pressure me into the wedding and marriage is because I do love this man. I truly do. That is why I have also stayed even when things have been bad between us or he's been controlling. He has many good qualities as well as just being compatible. But the fact that I can't have other friends etc does make me feel isolated. I agree that arguing gets you nowhere, its just that talking seems to lead to arguing for us. Thanks again for the advice and I will look into seeing a counselor.

[Gemini54]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess theres alot of missing information because i didnt want to make the post too long. The reason i let pple pressure me into the wedding and marriage is because i do love this man. I truly do. That is why i have also stayed even when things have been bad between us or he's been controlling. He has many good qualities as well as just being compatible. But the fact that i can't have other friends etc does make me feel isolated. I agree that arguing gets you nowhere, its just that talking seems to lead to arguing for us. Thanks again for the advice and i will look into seeing a councellor.

This gets worse by the minute. You've been pressured into marriage by someone that is controlling and he won't let you have friends? Is this right?

Please see a counselor ASAP. This situation is potentially emotionally toxic and could even be dangerous for you. Don't kid yourself. People that are controlling get worse when the object of their control tries to break free.

You may love this man, but you've only been married a few months and already you're depressed and isolated. Good relationships are not like this!

Take some time to talk to your friends or family and let then know how you're feeling. You need support and the reassurance that there are people out there that care for you. They also need to know what is happening to you.

[pinkangelgirl]

Hi gemini54. I know your right with all the things you've said. My family and friends are aware as we have had so many problems in the past and we have had counseling together before. More like a marriage prep through church. I have seen a lot of changes in him and he does treat me very well a lot of the time. But as I've said, I'm feeling alone and isolated as I've lost most of my social life except for seeing his family and my mum. He says he wants me to have friends and get my life back together but at the same time he gets angry so easily if I don't tell him something or he doesn't have complete control. He is aware of his behavior and says he's trying to be better and I haven't been perfect myself so that is why I'm am seriously wondering what I should do as I don't know if I can keep going like this. Counseling would probably help a lot. Thanks, your advice has been helpful.

[88sunflower]

He tells you to go out and get friends but then wants to know every detail? Is he jealous and afraid your going to cheat? Does he have a social life? Do you have other couples you can do things with? But you still need your individuality and your own life. I agree with the others with counseling.

[pinkangelgirl]

Yes he is jealous and afraid that guys will talk to me. I do feel I need my individuality. He does have friends and I encourage him to spend time with them without me but he doesn't want to hangout with them unless I'm with him and he doesn't seem to need pple except for me and his family. I enjoy going out with him places and with other friends but then he gets jealous and annoyed if guys look at me or anything. I can't help that and I don't flirt or try to get other pples attention so I feel I'm being punished for something that's not my fault. He has been trying but at this stage I have no-one and I'm starting to really resent him.

[Jake2008]

That type of behaviour toward another is really smothering. The plus side is you recognize what's happening, and how it is affecting you. Far better to address it now and address making changes.

He may very well be trying, but what does that mean. He may be trying not to get angry when guys look at you, or if he thinks you're looking at other guys, but all that means is he's controlling his temper. He still thinks there is something to be jealous of, and that's the point, there isn't.

Sunflower asked if you had children, and if you do, all the more reason to tackle this now. And if you don't, the problem will only get worse and make parenting far more difficult than it has to be.

You haven't said anything unreasonable here, and you aren't over reacting or doing anything wrong. Keep that point of view while you seek counselling for yourself.

His behaviour has nothing to do with you. Who you talk to, what you do, who you look at, etc. It has everything to do with him being controlling, and what the reasons are for that.

All too often relationships and marriages fail because the pressure is just too much. The control cuts of your freedom and independence, and always being 'at fault' for 'causing' him to react (appropriately in his head), will eventually wear you out enough that you will leave.

It isn't easy to address and change any behaviour that works. His demands on you, irrational as they are, keep him feeling secure and in control. What is behind that is usually fear, insecurity, lack of self confidence and a string of failed relationships that he blames on the other party. If he cannot recognize the behaviour, get to counselling to address it, and acknowledge your feelings and concerns, he will only control more, as you demand more freedom.

I don't think this is new behaviour for him, and he's got his work cut out for him, if he wishes to change.

[Cat1864]

How old are both of you?

It sounds like he isn't the only one doing the controlling. His family seems to be part of the problem. Do you live in your own home?

He may be trying to control you because his family has been controlling him. If that is part of the problem, he definitely needs to see someone to learn how to stop allowing himself to be controlled and in turn to stop trying to take back his own life by taking over yours.

[pinkangelgirl]

Thanks Jake2008. I do feel I'm to blame recently as I've done some untrusting things. I needed a friend and that friend happened to be an ex. I just felt alone but I really don't want to do the wrong thing against my partner. I love him a lot. We have been together 3yrs and married 3months. We don't have any children and I don't know if I want them. I am feeling tired, tired of worrying about what he thinks and if I'm going to upset him. I just want to make him happy because he is so loving and care so much about him and how he feels but obviously these issues are getting too big for me to deal with and neither of us are happy like this.

He does keep saying he wants me to have a life and friends but I always feel that it must be pple that he approves of and knows so he can have control over the situation. I always feel he doesn't trust me, even when in the past I hadn't done anything to make him not trust me. I understand now why he wouldn't trust me because I have cheated last year with that ex and I really didn't want anything to do with my ex. I was just feeling so alone and controlled by my partner and his mother over wedding stuff and we were on and off for so long. I hate myself for that mistake I made as I consider myself a loyal person and its so out of character for me. But being in this kind of controlled situation is making me feel and behave different to how I normally would be. Im not trying to make excuses for what happened, I take responsibility, just explaining that its not what I wanted or want. I do love my husband and don't want another man. Just need some friends and support.

[pinkangelgirl]

Yes his family are controlling over him. Its always been a big problem but they have backed off abit. Now we are married we live in our own home.

[pinkangelgirl]

Btw he is 25 and I am 28.

[Gemini54]

I honestly think that your only option in these circumstances is firstly to talk to a counsellor, and then to talk to your husband. It may be that you will only feel safe to do this in the presence of a mediator, such as your counsellor. However, speaking to a counsellor, on your own, is a must.

The situation you're describing is not sustainable and your depression will only get worse if you don't take action very soon. Inactivity or passivity will only depend your despair.

I also strongly feel that you need to work on being more responsible for the decisions you make and on being more assertive...

You talk about not really wanting to be with your ex, yet you cheated with him, you talk about being pressured into marriage, yet you don't believe in divorce, you talk about feeling controlled and isolated by your husband yet you still want to be with him. You also say that the control in your relationship is what is making you behave differently.

This may all well be true, from your point of view, but at what point do you take some personal responsibility for change?

My suggestion is to start now. Stop reacting and start being pro-active. Stop arguing with your husband and just let him know what you're doing and start doing some small things without him. He needs to learn to let go and you need to learn to take control. What's the worse thing that can happen? He might become emotionally or physically abusive and at that point, that's when you get out. However, he might also (if he is self aware enough) see your assertive response as an opportunity for your BOTH to change the unhealthy dynamic in your relationship and to deepen your connection.

There is no time like the present to start making small changes. Your counsellor will support you in making the bigger ones.

[pinkangelgirl]

I have taken steps in the past to get my life back and our relationship has been physically and emotionally abusive. I do regret seeing my ex or doing anything with him, it was the biggest mistake and a very weak moment for me. I love my husband so I don't want to hurt him or leave. I have been told by a councelor before that I need to learn to be more assertive, but when I do my husband says I'm being disrespectful. I know I have also treated him bad especially when I'm feeling frustrated and sad. I feel kind of embarressed talking about my personal stuff on here but I needed to talk to someone so thanks for your advice and for listening.

[Gemini54]

I have taken steps in the past to get my life back and our relationship has been physically and emotionally abusive. I do regret seeing my ex or doing anything with him, it was the biggest mistake and a very weak moment for me. I love my husband so i dont want to hurt him or leave. I have been told by a councelor before that i need to learn to be more assertive, but when i do my husband says im being disrespectful. I know i have also treated him bad especially when im feeling frustrated and sad. I feel kind of embarressed talking bout my personal stuff on here but i needed to talk to someone so thanks for your advice and for listening.

Please don't be embarrassed - hell, we're all human - and this forum is exactly the place where you CAN talk about how you feel and what you've done.

However please be aware that all relationships involve challenges and sometimes 'hurt'. Your husband is currently 'hurting' you by his controlling/abusive behavior - in essence he is denying you your autonomy and your ability to express yourself as an individual. You may choose to not challenge him in return - with the risk of 'hurting' him - but you can already see that this is only leading you into isolation and depression.

Depression is repressed anger and it's repressed action. You're emotionally immobilized because you're putting your husband's need for control before your need for autonomy.

Love does not mean acquiescing to another person's will because you fell guilty or because you feel mad, bad or sad. Love means helping yourself and your partner to be the best person you can be. You are not doing your husband any favors by being passive and by allowing him to be emotionally or physically abusive.

This is not love, nor is it marriage, it is toxic.

I sincerely urge you to ring one of the helplines - Lifeline has a 24 hour service dedicated to women in your situation, and they may be able to put you in touch with a counsellor in your area who can assist you. You need to take the first step to free yourself from this unhealthy and potentially damaging situation.

If you really love your husband, be assertive. Take the first step and ask for external help. If he loves you, then you will both benefit from it.

Australian Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Helpline. The Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Helpline on 1800 200 526 is a 24-hour helpline for:

* people experiencing violence, bullying, controlling behavior
* friends and family who want to know what they can do to help, and
* people wanting to change their violent or controlling behavior.

[pinkangelgirl]

Wow thank you Gemini54, you've been really helpful and I will keep this number and give them a call as right now I'm feeling at a loss. Things are just getting worse. I know relationships involve challenges but this seems too much.

[Alty]

Hi Pinky.

You've gotten some great advice so far, you've got the best of the best here giving you encouragement and advice. So much so that I really can't add much to what has already been said.

I don't like the fact that there is physical abuse, that worries me. I also don't like the fact that you feel like you're being isolated and controlled. I see that you listed your location in Australia, can I ask what nationality you are, maybe that would provide some insight.

Keep in mind that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Did you two live together before you married? If not, it can be hard to all of a sudden be with someone 24/7, sleeping with them every night, waking up to them every morning. It takes a while to get used to it all.

Sharing a space, sharing your life with someone, well, it can often take more then 3 months.

I really think that counseling is a good step. You seem to love him very much and that matters, you say that he loves you, that matters too. He has to make changes and I think you know that you do as well.

Please try counseling before you give up on this marriage. That's my advice to you. :)

[pinkangelgirl]

Hi Alty, thanks for the advice. Im a kiwi but came to australia in 97. My husband has an indian background but came to australia round the same time. He is pretty westernized but there are some cultural differences although we are both christians so of the same faith. I am not willing to give up just yet because I know he is trying and is sorry, but it doesn't stop me from feeling anxious waiting for the next time we may fight. I think not only I should go to counseling but he should too, but he seems to think he can work it out on his own. Anyway thanks for your thoughts guys and take care.