[Bluerose]

Do nothing. Each take some time to yourselves, think about what you really want from a relationship and make some serious decisions about what you both want to happen here. Trust is needed. Lack of trust is time and energy wasting.

[pfanatic]

Long story short. He broke a promise, the one he's already broken. He just forgot about it. What's behind the promise is not important for now.
However I can't trust him after that. It's been two weeks without sex and it's the longest time in two years we hadn't have any. I just can't as I don't find him that attractive anymore. Left alone I do have a sex drive.
He told me he can't even masturbate anymore and he's always had a very high sex drive. Must be we're both feeling guilty.
Should we "force" love making? Maybe things'll get better like that. For the last half month it feels like we're friends and there's a distance between us. Any suggestions please?
(I'm sorry I've posted this in a wrong topic before).

[Synnen]

What kind of relationship do you have if you don't have trust?

What's the point in trying to force sex, when that's the ONE place a woman usually NEEDS trust in order to relax enough to enjoy it?

[bigblack]

Perhaps you guys could find a better way to communicate rather than punish each other with the 'no sex' punishment. Sounds like you wanted to teach him a lesson and now you're both suffering and turning a problem into a much larger problem. I think you both should sit down and talk about what's really bothering you before 'forcing' sex on each other... that big elephant in the room can't hide behind the curtains.

[talaniman]

If you can't work together to rebuild the trust, what's the point in the relationship period?

Without other details into the problem, any advice is a shot in the dark, but even if you can't forget this breach in trust, and forgive and work to get beyond this, the relationship is over whether you have sex, or not.

Better start talking honestly, right now.

[ohsohappy]

You've already posted this question once in the Adult Sexuality Forum.
Please keep posts on the same topic together.
They will peobably either be combined or one will be removed.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck on figuring out your situation.

[pfanatic]

Yeah I know ohsohappy, I've already apologised for that there. I'm quite new here, it won't happen again.

talaniman, I want to forgive and work on this. BUT the only thing he sees as a problem now is the lack of sex. I don't even have to start with all that's on his mind. From not being attractive enough, me cheating on him, his bad performance etc.etc. he's always been the one with a super high sex drive so it's driving him nuts and he thinks we'll get closer if we have sex. He even planned a trip for us, and when even then there was no sex, just imagine his reaction for the wasted effort.

Well I miss the sex too, but to have it with him right now, I'll have to fake my desire. So NO.
We'll talk, as usual. And then he'll want sex, and will feel rejected. Again.
How to get out of this?

Just to add, I'm not witholding sex on him on purpose, I'm not that immature. It's just not coming to me naturally. Honestly.

[Cat1864]

How old are you both?

I think he needs to see his doctor for a check up. There are several physical issues that can affect a man's libido.

If health issues are cleared, then I think couple's counseling might be in order. You both seem to have a lot of concerns needing to be worked on as a couple. A counselor would be able to give you both a neutral place (and mediator) to examine those concerns and tools to fix them.

[talaniman]

Maybe you need to let him know its not about the sex, but his behavior and how it makes you feel. Your right though, it should come naturally, but you have issues with his behavior that needs work and attention, and until solutions are reached, there can be no forgiveness, and certainly no sex.

If you both aren't willing to adjust your behaviors, then its over and maybe some time apart can accomplish what you both lack, some clarity of thought.

[Gemini54]

Perhaps it's time for some honest talking and less game playing?

Without communication there is no relationship, and it sounds as if sex is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the issues you're both facing.

Is it possible to talk to each other? Is the relationship important enough to both of you so that you can put your defensive responses aside?

Is it possible to put sex on the back burner until you've communicated and made an attempt to sort through what's actually going on?

Tell him that sex isn't going to make things better, but talking will.

[pfanatic]

Threads merged

Lately I've been having many issues with my boyfriend. Most of them turned out unresolved because of the lack of communication. I've always tried very hard to talk things out and he's never felt comfortable during it and always run away from me.
I've wanted to talk about why my trust in low in him and wanted to solve it and create a bond between us again, but he again didn't take it well, and just didn't want to talk about it. It made me cry for a second, but then I firmly decided I wanted a breakup. I tried everything but he wasn't opening up to me and I've just had enough. I've told him I didn't want to be with him anymore.

Afterwards I felt great, I felt reliefed and I was being happy we could still be friends, because we did get along great, but after all what he did, it's just killed all the love and romance in me, and I've just lost that feeling.
I've told him I didn't feel happy with him anymore, and I didn't know how to tell him that. I didn't know what I wanted. He told me he knew and saw it all in me so I didn't have to say anything. I went on how I wish I was strong enough to be on my own without him completely, meaning no friendship, no contact. He asked and I agreed that he had to be the one that's strong and just step away from me.
As we were talking I was sad because it was two years being together, but also very excited about the new page I'm finally turning. And glad we didn't ended it in a fight, or pronologing the breakup.

I confesed to him how I got drunk one night, which was a year ago, and how I was unhappy even back then because of something he did, which hurt me, and how I met s guy in a bar. How we talked and how I fell apart in front of him (I'm not making up excuses but drink was a big contributor to it), and how I told him everything about our problems. How he held my hand like a friend and I felt good to have a male company to listen to me, as I couldn't talk with my boyfriend. As I continued talking, my boyfriend thought I was going to say I've cheated on him. I did not of course! He's just missed the point of the story.

I don't know how it happened, but I've just eneded up having sex with my boyfriend after this talk and we're still together. He said he should let me go if I'm not happy to be happy with someone. But he is not letting me. Or is it me?

I'm totally confused and just want any kind of advice. It all happened just yesterday. Thank you.

[amicon]

If the issues can't be resolved and you know that breaking up will change your life for the better, then you stay firm and stay broken up. You tell him no contact and that means no contact.
You make a decision and stick to it.

[smoothy]

Unless you would rather him wake you up and have sex right then, then what is the issue with him watching some porn when you sleep?

I see conflicting things here.. and a bit of controlling behaviour.

If you are sleeping... then what is the problem it he looks at some porn? Keep in mind there are two sides to every story and that someone dictating to another what they will and will not do can also be considered very annoying. There in no indication in this thread that he is fixated on porn, spanking his monkey and cutting you off entirely. Which if it were happening would be an issue to worry about.

[talaniman]

He said he should let me go if I'm not happy to be happy with someone. but he is not letting me. or is it me?

Its you, not him. Your taking the easy way out, the path of least resistance.

You think its easier to just stay, and not resolve anything, than to resolve your issues thru honest communications, or leave.

[I wish]

As the other have pointed out, a "lack of communication" is obvious.

But how can you be happy with someone who's making you feel so insecure about yourself?

Furthermore, you should work on your self-esteem before getting into a serious relationship. Because it seems like a guy can easily put you down. You really need to build some confidence in yourself.

[pfanatic]

Thank you talaniman and I wish. I know it's me. It's just hard to admit.
This is my first real serious relationship so I can't tell when it's time to move on, and how does it feel to know it's over. Because with him I never know for sure. Part of me can't let go and always wonders how to make things right. Or what if I end it and then regret it later. How come I always look back?

And yes, I have to do something about my self-esteem and stop asking men for it. It's so easy to tell others what to do, but when it comes down to me, I can't decide what I want. One day I love him, other day I have no idea what I feel, if I feel anything at all.

Before him, I had many short term "relationships", flings yes, and was never in love with any of them. It was so easy to leave them. With this man, I'm scared to be without him. I'm not dependent on him at all. So I have no reason to be afraid. This is ridiculous. I have no idea what's up with me.

[jmw0713]

Anyone who truly cares about you and mental well being will not say things that make you self conscious. That just shows how insecure he is with himself. He needs you to dress up sexy all the time, to make himself feel better. That is pretty selfish if you ask me.

It doesn't matter how good you look. If you getting bombarded everyday with this type of crap, anyone would start to develop esteem issues.

If your not happy, and he can't see why (even after you communicate the reason to him), then you need to step back and see if he is really the right person for you.

I've always been raised to compliment women, not to degrade them. I guess that's why the jerk always wins... :rolleyes:

Don't be afraid to be on your own. It's the only real way to get to know yourself better. Once you find out what it is you want, by finding things out about yourself, that's when the right guy will come along. It's time to stop soul searching and make your life something you can be happy with.

EDIT: After reading the WHOLE Thread, my post seems slightly out of place. You both have communication issues. He does things that you don't necessarily like, you do thing he doesn't like. The only way to resolve these issues in communication and compromise. Through those two avenues alone, will you discover if you work well as a couple or not.

[Gemini54]

Of course you had sex with him after you decided that you would break up. He listened to you and heard what you were saying and took responsibility for some of what is happening between you. But that doesn't change anything really.

He asked and I agreed that he had to be the one that's strong and just step away from me.

I suspect that you're putting a lot of what was wrong in the relationship back onto him, and now you're asking him to take the lead in the break up.

If it isn't working - leave, if you want to work on it - stay. But do it in the knowledge that you're taking responsibility for YOUR part in the relationship. You say communication was bad with him, but after reading your posts I'm not convinced that you were really able to communicate your feelings to him.

If you're not happy, then you must be the one to take the lead and separate from him. I understand that this is your first serious relationship, but you must stop expecting other people to take the responsibility for your happiness or unhappiness. None of your future relationships will ever be happy if you continue to do this.

[pfanatic]

Just to say, thank you all so much, this site is great!

I know I let it all on him. That's how I've felt. I needed a place to vent. I'm just sometimes so mad at him. He's not meeting my expectations. But the relationship's already gone too long to easily step out. I want him, but I don't want him to be certain way. Some things I can't accept. Does that mean I've never loved him?
Maybe I've just wanted to annoy the hell out of him and wanted HIM to leave me. I'm scared we're going to continue this relationship years from now with the same problems. Both him and I seem to be the problems even without the bigger one of being a couple. We're too selfish to compromise.
Are there any tips on how to have a good communication? Can someone please teach me how, when and where to TALK to the partner? Mostly it gets ugly with us. The make up sex is the only thing good about it.:D

smoothy, we're not living together, so I would rather him to wake me up and have sex with me instead of porn going on on my laptop in my own bed. I do demand some respect. Nothing wrong with porn itself, at least for me. I could be a control freak too. Who knows. Anyway, it's not the porn that's the issue.

I have to be responsible for my part, true, but I'm so angry at myself for having a failed relationship that anything I choose now it's no good. So I choose to choose none. Could be that him being a bit older, I expect him to decide. Foolish, yes. I don't know where to go from here. I even told him to find another girl he could be happy with. I maybe wish I could just meet someone I like, which is impossible while with him of course. No responsibility on neighter part. I want something to happen! I wish someone to decide for me. I don't know how I've got myself in this state of mind.

[jmw0713]

You definitely need to take a step back and evaluate how you feel and what you are saying here. You're bringing this on yourself by forcing yourself to be with him, because you're scared to be alone. If you make the hard choice to dump him for good, you are not going to be alone forever!

Being alone isn't that bad. You get to do what you want, and you can really learn about yourself, without anyone influencing you or your decisions in any way.

Being alone is one thing, but being afraid to leave an unhealthy relationship because of the fear of being lonely... that's just not right.