[rockie100]

Don't worry your sister will latch onto another loser. I think that's partly why your mother keeps her so close. Grandma is trying to insure the grandkids don't get dragged into another bad situation with their lazy, dependent daughter... See it clearer now. She wants you to take over after she can't do it anymore... Thats why she tries to push and pull you back in. See you must become a little disfuntional to deal with disfuntion. Make peace with it... you might want to ready yourself to be more than an aunt to those kids.

[Jake2008]

You are right about one thing is that I don't need to subject myself to this and I am not any more. Is it wrong for me to keep my distance from my parents and my sister?

I am not doubting your love for your family, nor do I doubt that you are a good person, and give of yourself. Each post you write, that becomes more and more clear.

It is all about who's needs are being met. Your mother does her thing by complaining about your sister to you, venting and letting out her frustrations. She then feels better, knowing that she has put some of her burden upon you. Your sister has benefited by knowing that regardless of how your mother treats you, you will ultimately help her out, no matter what she says. Your sister also benefits in many other ways as you know, and now has managed to ruin your vacation, because she too feels her needs are met by going too. Your mother allows it, probably to keep the peace and do what she feels is the right thing for whatever reasons. They are her reasons, her call.

What you don't see is that, even though this is your family and you love them regardless of the way they treat you, you do have some control over allowing this to happen. I am talking about YOUR needs here. What do you need from them, and why do you subject yourself to making sure their needs are met, while you aren't taking care of your own.

Changes are hard to make, and you have to be careful that if you decide to stop punishing yourself by continuously being at their mercy, it has to stick, or you'll end up right back where you were.

If you could even just realize that by you not allowing to be subjected to the problems in the family that have nothing to do with you for the most part, putting the recent vacation fiasco aside for a second, and let your mother, and your sister, solve their own problems without you, you will be taking yourself out of satisfying their needs by having you as a sounding board, and preserving your own, which is not to be subject to the ups and downs of their relationship.

And it is as simple as that, and I do understand what you are going through, and yes, I have done this myself, years ago, with my younger sister, who is now 50. She actually reminds me of your sister in many ways. She was never allowed to grow up is what it essentially boils down to. It was only when my mother died, that she had to stand on her own two feet, and not borrow mine.

I had years ago sat in on yet another conversation about how she was going to attend school (again), and that mom was footing the bill (again), and this 'was it', she was finally turning the corner. Well, I finally realized that nothing I said or did was going to change anything, and I did what I advised you to do. I let go of jumping in there and 'helping', and took a step back and saw it for what it was.

I steered conversations away from them, and their troubles, and stopped bailing everybody out, and realized my shoulders were only so big for all the emotional baggage they dumped on them. It was affecting my marriage, my health, and my energy particularly because my life revolved around their ups and downs; one crisis after another.

My mother incidentally had a condo in Florida that I never went to, but the two of them had regular vacations there, and other exotic places. After a while, it really didn't bother me, and I was just as happy sitting in my backyard enjoying my own space, without the stress.

It is liberating to free yourself of other people's problems, even if it is your family. Their relationship has nothing to do with your happiness, your peace of mind, or your bank account so to speak, or anything else.

I know you don't want to hear it, but your life is your life. How you live it, is up to you, and how you have your needs met- only you can decide.

It is not wrong to keep your distance from your sister or mother. Incorporate the distance appropriately. For instance, if your mother is in a snit over your sister being lazy, say, "mom, I've heard this a million times before. Can we do lunch on Thursday?". It worked for me, and as I said, it was wonderful to reclaim my sanity.

I know this is long, and I apologize, but I wanted to take one last stab at trying to have you see that the only person who can change your life, is you.

[kimeve]

You are right about one thing is that I don't need to subject myself to this and I am not any more. Is it wrong for me to keep my distance from my parents and my sister?

I am not doubting your love for your family, nor do I doubt that you are a good person, and give of yourself. Each post you write, that becomes more and more clear.

It is all about who's needs are being met. Your mother does her thing by complaining about your sister to you, venting and letting out her frustrations. She then feels better, knowing that she has put some of her burden upon you. Your sister has benefited by knowing that regardless of how your mother treats you, you will ultimately help her out, no matter what she says. Your sister also benefits in many other ways as you know, and now has managed to ruin your vacation, because she too feels her needs are met by going too. Your mother allows it, probably to keep the peace and do what she feels is the right thing for whatever reasons. They are her reasons, her call.

What you don't see is that, even though this is your family and you love them regardless of the way they treat you, you do have some control over allowing this to happen. I am talking about YOUR needs here. What do you need from them, and why do you subject yourself to making sure their needs are met, while you aren't taking care of your own.

Changes are hard to make, and you have to be careful that if you decide to stop punishing yourself by continuously being at their mercy, it has to stick, or you'll end up right back where you were.

If you could even just realize that by you not allowing to be subjected to the problems in the family that have nothing to do with you for the most part, putting the recent vacation fiasco aside for a second, and let your mother, and your sister, solve their own problems without you, you will be taking yourself out of satisfying their needs by having you as a sounding board, and preserving your own, which is not to be subject to the ups and downs of their relationship.

And it is as simple as that, and I do understand what you are going through, and yes, I have done this myself, years ago, with my younger sister, who is now 50. She actually reminds me of your sister in many ways. She was never allowed to grow up is what it essentially boils down to. It was only when my mother died, that she had to stand on her own two feet, and not borrow mine.

I had years ago sat in on yet another conversation about how she was going to attend school (again), and that mom was footing the bill (again), and this 'was it', she was finally turning the corner. Well, I finally realized that nothing I said or did was going to change anything, and I did what I advised you to do. I let go of jumping in there and 'helping', and took a step back and saw it for what it was.

I steered conversations away from them, and their troubles, and stopped bailing everybody out, and realized my shoulders were only so big for all the emotional baggage they dumped on them. It was affecting my marriage, my health, and my energy particularly because my life revolved around their ups and downs; one crisis after another.

My mother incidentally had a condo in Florida that I never went to, but the two of them had regular vacations there, and other exotic places. After a while, it really didn't bother me, and I was just as happy sitting in my backyard enjoying my own space, without the stress.

It is liberating to free yourself of other people's problems, even if it is your family. Their relationship has nothing to do with your happiness, your peace of mind, or your bank account so to speak, or anything else.

I know you don't want to hear it, but your life is your life. How you live it, is up to you, and how you have your needs met- only you can decide.

It is not wrong to keep your distance from your sister or mother. Incorporate the distance appropriately. For instance, if your mother is in a snit over your sister being lazy, say, "mom, I've heard this a million times before. Can we do lunch on Thursday?". It worked for me, and as I said, it was wonderful to reclaim my sanity.

I know this is long, and I apologize, but I wanted to take one last stab at trying to have you see that the only person who can change your life, is you.

Thank you so much for that last try and guess what? IT WORKED! I truly believe now you understand my situation and you are not blaming me like I felt you were in your other posts. Thank you so much for this.

I have been doing what you said over the past 6 months or so and when my mother does bring up my sister I just sit quietly and give no opinion. I thought this was the answer. I even wrote my mom a long letter explaining all of this to her and saying I don't want to hear this any more. She never spoke of that letter to me after she read it. I figured it was all going pretty smoothly. Unfortunately but not saying anything my Mother thought it was all fine and dandy and I would just suck it all up yet again with all of my sisters problems ( this is because I was being silent on my opinion). The first time I spoke up about her was during this vacation problem. She thought I was starting trouble and I was NOT. My feelings for my sister never changed, the only difference is that I never spoke of them during the past 6 months.

My other sister had huge problems with my sister when she was married. We all warned my parents about him before she married him and my sister of course denied it all. They had a bad marriage. My sister K and my mom did not speak for 6 months or more because of this. Of course my Mom sided with the alcoholic/drug addict which causes huge problems in our family. I was the Middle person. I listened to my sister and then my mom and tried to keep peace. My Parents were so afraid that my sister would leave this looser and then move back home with them that they treated him like a KING. Honest to god this is the truth. My sister never brought home a boy before until she met this looser in her 30's. The first guy she meets and he asks her to marry and BAM. She had a Princess wedding no kidding. We all seen though this guy except my parents and sister. They were blinded. Anyway, my Mom now says that I sided with my sister ( actually she said my sister poisoned me HA!) She said you were always fine with your younger sister and now your acting like your other sister and you were poisoned by her! The truth is I was just tired of putting up with and seeing my sister take advantage of my parents so I spoke up is all. I was taking control of MY LIFE. I am VERY VERY OUTSPOKEN and always have been.

You are so right that this is MY life and I control it. I am not letting my Mother make me feel guilty or make me feel that I am this bad person for standing up for what I believe in.

I will continue to not discuss my sister with them as I have been. I will continue to not comment on her life when my mom brings it up. I will limit my visits to my parents to only Holidays, birthdays and special occasions. I am very hurt by my Mom and feels she needs to respect me as a adult and respect my feelings that is all I ask for in return. This is all a damn shame but I will not be a doormat.

Thank you for understanding.

[Jake2008]

I'm really happy that you have a secure grip on all of this. It is not an easy thing to do, especially when it is family.

Things may not change for years, so you'll have to be strong. :)

Keep up the good work, for what its worth, I firmly believe you are doing the right thing for all the right reasons.

[kimeve]

I'm really happy that you have a secure grip on all of this. It is not an easy thing to do, especially when it is family.

Things may not change for years, so you'll have to be strong. :)

Keep up the good work, for what its worth, I firmly believe you are doing the right thing for all the right reasons.

Thank you so much! I have always believed I was doing the right thing and the only reason for my post was that I never understood why my Mom was so hurtful to me about it. I talk to her with total respect and she tells me I am just being mean with a nice tone of voice. I tell her no Mom I am expressing my feelings and I wish you could respect them. I tell her she doesn't have to agree but just respect that these are my feelings. I guess I just wanted a answer to why I am the " HORRIBLE" one and the one that is causing her the stress, depression, anxiety is my sister that lives at home with her and she is portrayed as the victim. Unreal. I will be strong and ty again for truly understand my view.

[spoilsport]

What your mom thinks about you is non of your business- you are just pulling yourself back into the same cycle. Break it and get on with life. When your with your mom fill it with things relating to both of you or do things that don't involve talking about your sister or anyone.
If trying to connect to your mom involves your sis (always ) then simply wait for the right time . Bethere for your mom if she really needs you. Be yourself and don't let anyone make you change the way you feel about how you feel about you or your way of thinking. Good luck

[2ndTime]

Stop hanging around your mom and you sister and go hang around your other sister. Let time pass and when they come to senses, they will come to you. As spoilsport mentioned, you are putting yourself through cycle of having to subject yourself to your sister's problem by being with them.

[snailgirl]

Why don't you go on vacation with your other sister.
Nothing will change unless your parents change. Don't partake in it anymore. When your parents complain about the situation, let them know they are the ones who have helped to create the situation and ask them what do they think would happen to her if 'God forbid" they where both no longer here. Explain that for her own sake she needs to develop her own independence. There is nothing you can do about the situation, it is really up to your folks. Try not to get involved and get on with your own life.

[snailgirl]

[QUOTE=snailgirl;3332848]Why don't you go on vacation with your other sister, or with someone else. Let them know it's not acceptable and you will no longer be going with them.
Nothing will change unless your parents change. Don't partake in it anymore. When your parents complain about the situation, let them know they are the ones who have helped to create the situation and ask them what do they think would happen to her if 'God forbid" they where both no longer here. Explain that for her own sake she needs to develop her own independence. There is nothing you can do about the situation, it is really up to your folks. Try not to get involved and get on with your own life.Just leave them to it. They created it and they are the only ones who can change it. Suggest that you all go and do family counselling together.