[bride09]

I met my husband "jeff" when I was a sophomore, age 20. We moved fast, we boughta mobile home after only being together for a year. We were engaged also by that time. Jeff was my first serious relationship. My issues; we got married this past spring and I already want a divorce. Jeff is a great guy, I just think I've out grown him. I think we have grown apart . I find that I bite my tongue a lot, and I find myself always feeling like I did something wrong. I'm sp tired of hearing the words " im sorry" and " ill change". For the last year and a half I have been really attracted to his best friend "steve". Steve and I graduated high school together. Over the last year and a half I have strong feelings for steve, and they getting stronger and stronger. My husband jeff has been hurt so many times that I don't want to hurt him. He is five years older then me and less educated. I find myself seeking an intellegent man who has goals and ambitions. Instead of a man who enjoys being at home playing games. Comfused:(

[Jake2008]

It's always easy to find fault with your husband when what you really want is another man.

You have to justify it somehow, right?

Why aren't you communicating with your 'great guy' of a husband. Why aren't you telling him that you both need to get into counselling, and try to save this young marriage. Like it or not, you have an obligation to your husband to fidelity and honesty. As long as you are married to him, you need to figure out how to make it work. Thinking that there may be somebody more ambitious that can set goals, is not a reason to think it is okay to just walk away from a marriage.

Talk to your husband. He may sense that something isn't right, and doesn't know what to do or say. He can't read your mind, you have to talk to him, and put the feelings for this other man aside.

If it doesn't work out with your husband, and you have at least tried counselling, then divorce him so he can move on. You aren't being fair to him, while you have another man on your mind.

[bride09]

We have talked about it. Not about the other man, but about us. I want it to work. History just keeps repeating its self. Nothings changed. One just gets tired of hearing I'm sorry... its not like if we did separate id jump into another relationship

[Jake2008]

I don't think you are trying hard enough to make your marriage work. I'm not insulting you, but I do know what it takes to make a marriage work, and at the very top of the list, is understanding what your spouse is saying, and being heard.

If things aren't crystal clear, then neither of you are playing by the same rules. It is a partnership, a union, a team effort, on both sides, to communicate.

What I am saying is your vision is maybe shrouded by your thoughts of another man. While you don't want to come out and say that to your husband, it is up to you to work on your marrital issues first and foremost, and realize that no other person can be factored into it. Your relationship with your husband is private, intimate, and not up for negotiation with any 'what if's' as far as comparing him to another man- even in your own mind.

Try as hard as you can, to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, that he can talk and understand your needs, and give yourself the opportunity as well, to benefit from that. You may be surprised how much he knows, and understands, and you have no idea what the future holds, if the two of you could just get back on the same page.

It is easier to go sometimes I think, than to work, really work, on making a marriage successful. Major ups and downs and upsets will turn your life upside down. There will be times you will absolutely hate him, then turn around and love him to death. There is nothing easy about marriage.

The key is communication. Find a way, whether it be through a counsellor or pastor, to agree to talk. And agree to listen.

I sense that if you don't give it a really good honest shot, you may regret this for the rest of your life.

[Cat1864]

You seem to have left out a few details:

How old are you?

How long did you know your husband before marrying him?

Why did you marry him knowing you were attracted to his 'best friend'?

Why did you marry him knowing that he was 'less educated' (which does not necessarily mean less intelligent) than you are?

Why did you marry him knowing that he appears to be less ambitious than you are?

Does he work? Is his idea of relaxation playing games?

Is he boring to you, because he doesn't appear to be the partying type?

Why does he keep saying, 'I'm sorry'? What does he have to apologize about?

I would almost bet that the only reason you think you want Steve is because you can't have him. Otherwise, you would have left your (at the time boyfriend) and tried to get with Steve.

Marriage counseling may help you both decide just what is going on in your marriage and if it can be fixed. However, I think you may have some unrealistic concepts of what marriage and love are. You don't 'outgrow' your husband in a matter of months unless you went into it thinking that everything was going to be all roses and champagne.

[88sunflower]

Your said right in your title you were "settling"

If you weren't so sure you wanted your husband then why did you marry in the first place? A marriage is easier to get in to then to get out of.

If at the time you felt you were settling for him that should have been a clue to step back and realize clearly then its not what you wanted.

The way he is now is exactly how he was then. You just have other interests in this guy and your finding reasons to go against your marriage and leave.

You can have a perfect 100% happy marriage, add another interest on the side and instantly you will find negative in your once perfect marriage.

Talk to your husband. Get his feelings on this and talk about it together or with a counselor. This involves him also not just your feelings.

Not to mention a married couple can fall in and out of love several times through out the marriage. You just hope you don't fall out of love at the same time. In this case you still have a chance. Take it and make it work.

[MsMewiththat]

Cutting to the chase here... do you really feel that you have out grown him and so he can't win anymore so he isalways apologizing to you to try to keep the peace? Frankly you probably owe him an apology, it doesn't sound as if he has changed... so again the vows... better or worse... etc.
Effort is needed at this point and you should attempt to realize what it is that you loved about him in the first place and share with him what you need from him...

[SVImager]

...he is five years older then me and less educated. i find myself seeking an intellegent man who has goals and ambitions. instead of a man who enjoys being at home playin games. comfused:(

I would say stay in the marriage.
God doesn't like divorces.


BUT!!
You and your Husband really have to talk and get some communication going.

Do you have kids?

I know it is very unAttractive to a woman when a man have no goals and ambitions.
DON'T CHEAT!!
DON'T Cheat!!
I know you are tempted... but if you ever want to make things work out OR if you want to leave HIM... DON'T Cheat!!
You are very vulnerable right now... Cheating will ONLY confuse your situation.

And don't rush into things with Steve... You rushed into your first marriage... This time be a little more picky and choose the Right Guy.

Anyway, Your Husband at 28 has a decision to make... is he going to continue to be a kid or is he going to grow up... that means having a goal and NO MORE VIDEO GAMES.

[JudyKayTee]

I would say stay in the marriage.
God doesn't like divorces.

I think your religious beliefs (which you did not express on your threads about why you stayed when your wife cheated) do not belong here.

I have no idea whether God likes divorces. I suspect He doesn't like people to remain miserable in a marriage.

Otherwise some very good advice on this thread.

[SVImager]

I think your religious beliefs (which you did not express on your threads about why you stayed when your wife cheated) belong here.

I have no idea whether or not God likes divorces. I suspect He doesn't like people to remain miserable in a marriage.

Otherwise some very good advice on this thread.

Thanks...

Yes, God doesn't like divorces.
God doesn't like sinning either... but ALL of us sin everyday.
We have to ask for forgiveness and be forgiving.


"I suspect He doesn't like people to remain miserable in a marriage."
Not in the Bible.

However, I can tell you my Pastor who counseled us right after I found out about my wife's affair told me to get a divorce.

My advice was setup to acknowledge if she is staying because of religious reasons to practical reasons... She needs to talk to Him and be clear that he is required to Grow up.
I equate Video Gamers at that age as a drugee.

[SmileyFace1]

"I suspect He doesn't like people to remain miserable in a marriage."
Not in the Bible.

However, I can tell you my Pastor who counseled us right after I found out about my wife's affair told me to get a divorce.

My advice was setup to acknowledge if she is staying because of religious reasons to practical reasons... She needs to talk to Him and be clear that he is required to Grow up.
I equate Video Gamers at that age as a drugee.[/QUOTE][/B]

I think you need ore than your pastor for counseling, and if you read the bible, don't forget Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged! And Let He Who is Without Sin Cast the First Stone

[Fr_Chuck]

Sorry his best friend is not even a choice. If you want to leave your husband, do so, to live alone for at least a couple years to find yourself and know what you really want.

Next for gods name, it has only been how many months, sorry he is what he was then, and it was what you wanted not long ago.

You work harder at making this work, not start looking at other men

[SVImager]

I think you need ore than your pastor for counseling, and if you read the bible, don't forget Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged! and Let He Who is Without Sin Cast the First Stone

Did you get the impression I was Judging the OP?
Did I condemn the OP?
Hmmm... the OP asked for advice.

I feel your comment is judging me needing ore counseling.

BTW, I'm not judging you, nor am I casting a Stone back at you.
Peace and I will pray for you.

[NorseThor]

Did you know that there are nine types of intelligence. Just because your husband lack the type of intelligence that you are attracted to does not mean he is uneducated. It sounds like that you are trying to get to his friend.

[bigblack]

It's hard not to be distracted by the religious remarks concerning the position of God not liking divorce and all... OK, that's cool for you, but hard for another to take as good advice unless they share the same religion as you do. Not helpful, in my opinion. But peace and prayers to you too. I mean that in all sincerity.

Bride09... my advice to you is that life and your opinion of your life is a choice. You don't seem to have that much invested in your relationship with your husband at this point (sorry to the religious, but until you have children to raise together, a vow isn't that highly rated, in my opinion). So give a good long thought about 'Steve'... most of the gripes you have towards 'Jeff' will eventually materialize towards 'Steve'. We are all human and we all screw up from time to time. If you don't see yourself growing old with 'Jeff'... now is the time to cut him loose and take another gamble with 'Steve'. But try to also realize that Steve won't always be perfect and will disappoint you at some point in the future. Are you the type of person to abandon ship and move on at the first real 'sign' of humanity? In my mind, it's a reality of the human condition. We all suck from time to time.

[firmbeliever]

Hello bride09,
For one thing, I do not think playing video games and being home is a bad thing, as long as he has time for you and works on keeping a good marriage and home.

For another thing, why involve his best friend when you have marital problems.
Marital problems do not resolve themselves no matter who you get married to, whether more intelligent or less, it all depends on working together for a harmonious relationship.

Read the advice given by the other members and work on resolving the issues first before giving up.







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