[cherie5883]

Hi there,

I just registered because the answers on this site seem to be intelligent and helpful! Hoping you guys can help me as well.

I will give you the very short version (ha) of my history with my ex:

We have been together on and off for about 4 years now, and were best friends (attached at the hip) for about 1.5 yrs prior to dating. He broke up with his girlfriend because he was 'in love' with me and we continued to date until we broke up about a year and a half ago. After we broke up it took him not very long to move on to other relationships (very typical for him), and within the past year and a half he has broken up with 2 more girls because he says he misses me or made a mistake. He even told his last girlfriend that he doesn't feel for her the way he felt and still feels for me and that he had to see what was there with me again. We have entered into stints of sleeping together and hanging out on and off and the last time I was reluctant because it always ends up the same way, but he started showing me clear ways that he had 'changed' so I took some time to think about giving him a chance since he was asking me if there was a 'chance for us'.

Then all of a sudden out of the blue, and so typical of his behavior, he started being distant before he even got a response out of me and I knew in my heart he'd met another girl. Turns out that after this long I know him like the back of my hand and I was right. I told him that this time would be different and that we have to stop talking to each other since he has established that he cannot be friends with me and since I never move on if I'm friends with him. He keeps letting me interrupt his relationships, and I keep trying to be friends but then secretly flirting with him just to make it difficult (I'll admit it, fine)... but that's my right after this long.

Ok- yeah I know I said this was the short version sorry, I digress... Anyway I blocked him this time, on all forms of communication (which was huge for me) - AIM, gchat, Facebook, you name it. I told him I was doing this because it was for the best and I know he's still dating this chick he met. He said 'maybe let's catch up in a few months when things are better for both of us' and I took that as a sign that this was it, and that we would just lose each other and move on. Well, it's been exactly one month to the day that he sent that email, and he's contacting me again already, asking how I'm doing, wanting to know what I'm up to, etc. I emailed him back a dismissive 2 sentence email because there is a chance I will see him at our best friend's wedding and I don't want there to be bad blood or for him to hate him after this long and he emailed me back about 5 minutes later with unnecessary responses containing exclamation points and 'upbeat' stuff to show he was being nice. I asked a mutual friend and he says that they're still together (he and this girl).

My question is, and always is with him - why does he still want to talk to me if he has someone else that he wants to be with? He knows he can't be friends with me without wanting to motorboat my chest (let's be honest) and I know that he's not very good for me anymore at this point because he always ends up telling me that I am his 'ideal girl' but that 'too much has happened' and that it won't work out. I'm not dumb enough to buy the 'ideal girl' thing because if I were his ideal he wouldn't let me go, but fine, let him think he's being nice. I also don't want to be with him but I really want to hear from guys, why he can't leave me alone. It's been almost 4 different girls he's dated here and there between me and after me and I know he considered marrying me and I know we were close to forever, but I don't know why he still even thinks about me if he's happy with someone else. He ALWAYS comes back to me. I haven't moved on from this relationship because it's put a pretty big imprint on me and I need more time to heal but I'm pretty sure that if I had someone else I wouldn't be emailing him. I know that I sound dumb and he sounds like an insane narcissist and maybe we are very well those things, but we did share an intense love that really shaped an extremely important part of both our lives so this is sort of consuming me.

What do you think? Do you think he still has feelings? Is he bored? This ALWAYS happens, like clockwork because he gets bored with people very quickly. I pat myself on the back for even entertaining him as long as I managed to. (I was his longest relationship). Any help is appreciated. Thanks in advance and sorry for the novela!

[talaniman]

I have heard your story many times and its obvious he treats you the way he does, because you let him. Until you stop letting him run in, and out of your life, he will do it forever. So you have control, use it to your best interest, or be used yet again by him.

[cherie5883]

OK granted, yes I let him - you're right. I'll own that. That still doesn't answer why he cares to even talk to me if he's with someone else. Is it just him being bored? I thought that by not talking to him and cutting him out I was taking the step to stop this cycle. The two sentence response sent back was just because I really feel worse not responding to people but it was seriously like 'I'm well, hope all is good for you... '.

[talaniman]

That still doesn't answer why he cares to even talk to me if he's with someone else.

Your answer is still the same. Because you let him.

You don't expect anyone but him to know his motives, but I suspect he likes keeping you stirred up, and thinking about him.

[annette88]

I'm having similar problems. L ended a two and a half yr relationship two weeks ago and every few days l get a text saying l miss u babe-l think its manipulation x

[destiny09]

I think there is a part of him that cares but mostly he just won't let you go, he is OK to move on and come back knowing your still there, cake and eat it syndrome!

He cares but not enough to be with you and only you full time, he doesn't want anyone else to have you either so by keep coming back your always there for him... as and when he wants.

He's a user, probably always will be. Don't let him do it anymore

I have been there and had that, just come out of it, don't let him do it!

[cherie5883]

You guys are all very right. I just wanted to know what is going on with his head but I know that we can't figure that out as much as we try. Why is it so hard to give these people up? They suck so badly. I go a little bit feeling really great and finally like myself a little again and then it's like someone pages him on his death phone letting him I'm doing all right.

Annette - don't break, I broke say, 4 times and got back together with mine and it always ends up the same, and every time you end up losing more of yourself. It is TOTAL manipulation.

Destiny - I think you're 100% right. I think he will do this forever, and I'm not so sure that he'll ever really be able to feel happy with anyone for longer than a year MAX. I don't think anyone would put up with him and his stuff for as long as I have, and I think he knows that all too well. It makes me sad to think that he may never find long term happiness with someone but it's not my problem anymore. I just wish I didn't get so upset every time I see his name flash up on my phone or email. I can't wait for the day that I can actually sit there and in all honesty say to myself 'i really don't care anymore'.

[destiny09]

It has been quite a while for me and I still get that tummy turn when I see his name or pic somewhere and worse still someone asks for him!! The little devil on my shoulder wants to say he's been hit by a bus but the better bigger part of me makes my excuses and normally end up at home crying!

BUT it does get easier, I promise you that.

The reason you feel that way is because there is and always will be a degree of love for him, it doesn't just go no matter how much of a sh*t he has been but with time you will think about him less and start to care a little less but you need to be patient, its going to take time, just be strong x

[cherie5883]

Ugh the tummy turn is the worst! I suppose I should just stop waiting for it to get better and pay more attention to just living. Thanks destiny! I suppose that it's possible he still thinks about me too but it's not strong enough to be with me. That's fine, I know now that I'm better than this, I just think it's crazy how much I can still care. I really want to start dating new people to try to see outside of us and what we had but dating makes me so nervous! It's been about 6 years! I don't even know how to date really. I've always been with him. The whole thought of learning someone new and helping them learn about me is frankly terrifying. I wish I was one of those girls who could find dating exciting and fun but I'm just not - never have been. The guys look at me and if I'm not friends with them or comfortable with them I just shy away. I guess that's where alcohol comes into play.

[destiny09]

I know the feeling well but rebound right now will make you feel worse.

I have no doubt he does think about you, probably as often as you do him but its what he's thinking that's different.

Your thinking of loving him and being with him and caring for him, the future you could have had and a part of you still hopes for, you want him to want you still, to know he cares a little bit but you know deep down it couldn't work, you just want to know he wants you still... all sounding very familiar to us both!!

Living life out there is hard but concentrate on yourself, not finding anyone new... not yet. You don't need a man in your life right now while your vulnerable to take advantage. Just be you, build yourself back up, make friends then get out there.

X