[talaniman]

Try the truth, you screwed up, and put yourself in a bind, and need his help to get out of it.

Shouldn't he be as willing to help you in your time of need, as you were??

[zippit]

I think this is a prime example of a future poster with future issues.
I just don't get it its your boyfriend,your living together the minute I found out he got it from another guy or is doing better I would have said "oh hey i need some money now" simple what's the BIG SENSITIVE issue stuff about?

[kp2171]

You offered help when he was in need.

That's good.

You offered it prematurely without knowing your financial situation. Not good. It happens. Been there, done that... and worse.

You are worried about talking to him about your needing the money back... again, not so good...

If you cannot talk about money and needs... well... this relationship is short term anyway. And I'm not blaming you.

Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for "creating" this problem... sure... itd be better to not lend money you cannot afford to lend.

At the same time, your instincts were to try to help out a loved one in need.

So... I honestly think that the right thing to do is simply to tell the truth and be up front.

Avoiding conflict doesn't preserve any relationship. Relationships have conflicts, problems, issues, blah blah blah.

The trick is can you work through them together in a productive way?

Be up front and honest about your needs. Let him be a little cranky about it... it will likely shake him some to think things are covered and then not... but he doesn't get a free pass.

He should show as much concern about your financial needs as you did about his.

Otherwise he is just arrogant and stingy... but you already said that. ;)

[ohsohappy]

Explain the situation to him, and ask if he could help you out.
Also, apologize for lending/giving money that shouldn't have without checking first.
You live together, so that means that you have that level of trust, right? I'm sure he'll understand.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you are living together then I assume you split or pay part of certain bills??

But you need to work together and get a budget,

But you tell him that you need help with this or that and ask him to do the return as you did

[I wish]

The more I read the comments of the others, the more amazed I am of how fragile your relationship.

You did not hesitate to lend him money, yet you fear to ask him to borrow money. How does that work?

[Kia]

Okay this isn't a typical relationship question. But here's my dilemna :


I am in grad school taking on a subject I did not study in undergrad, because
I changed fields. So basically I have changed schools, didn't pass in a couple, etc. It's a mess; but now I am moving on the right track. My expected graduation date is in May. The problem is that my family(especially my mother) is expecting me to graduate in December. I originally thought it was going to be dec. but because of circumstances it is going to be may. The thing is I was technically supposed to graduate last may so my mother is really counting on me to finish in dec. The issue is that I also sing with a choir and we are going to Europe and I do not have enough money for the plane ticket. She told me before that if we went, that she would help me pay for it. We are supposed to leave in December ,and I am afraid that she is going to ask about my graduation date. I don't have anyone else that I can ask for the money, and I really would like to go. This is an opportunity that doesn't come around often. I just am afraid of how dissapointed my mother will be, and I am not sure she will give me the money if she finds out; which will be a double dissapointment for me...


So if someone could give me advice on this it would be appreciated... Thanks

[sully123]

Kia, be honest with your Mom. It sounds to me like you have your head together, and eveyrthing for you is going in the right direction. Be proud of yourself, whether is
It's December or May. You came so far. Talk to your Mom, and tell her how you feel.. Good luck

[talaniman]

Never lie to your mother!! Whether you get what you want, or not!!

[rockie100]

Moms are always happy to hear the truth from their child. Even if its not what they want to hear. It lets them know they did a good job in raising you. Thank her for being the kind of understanding parent you can tell anything to. If in fact this is the case.

[nikosmom]

The sooner you talk to her the better. Please don't wait until the last minute because she will feel that you deceived her all this time. Tell her what your plans are so that she knows exactly what's going on.

[Kia]

Okay so I'm in this weird place. I love my boyfriend... but I don't necessarily like him half of the time. I do however have those feelings of jealousy and mistrust; but I try to keep them at bay because I don't feel like starting more arguments, basically over how I feel. I
Ve told him many times that I don't like when he comes home & barely talks, or when he's at work and he tells me he will call me back and then doesn't. We don't do much together except lie around the house, and we are usually in different rooms watching TV. We have good sex, however which probably contributes to my feelings. Its just that... I don't know...
I just get these feelings,and I am a little upset that I feel this way, and we barely do anything together, and I have to constantly mention us having good conversations together, and spending "quality time" I guess you can call it. Plus, he works 2 jobs and he essentially has to lie to work them both because he has to attend meetings and see clients for both companies. Now, he just so happens to have jobs where they do not require you to come in and work 9-5. So sometimes I am on the phone with him, or Ive seen an email or two where he lies about his whereabouts to coworkers, and it worries me. Like when I call and he says he's with a client, I feel kindve of weird about it and I just try to keep my mouth shut.

Today I see him online, which is like a first on the IM, so I decided to call to say something to him, and he told me he will call me back because he's with a client. And I'm trying to be positive...

Its just his body language at times, and his lack of calling/calling back during the day, and the lack of conversation most of the time that makes me not understand what is going on.

I do smoke however, and I know he doesn't like it. I don't do it in his face, I just mostly do it at night right before I go to sleep and he is already in bed. I thought maybe that was the reason for these actions, but maybe not...

So... I don't know. Am I being crazy, should I just stop tripping, or do you think I have reasons?

[adam_89]

Just sit down and talk to him. You two have way to many problems right now and need to work them out before trying to progress further.

[Kia]

Yea, we have talked quite a few times about these issues. He says when he comes home he's tired, that's why he doesn't talk much. Or, he has work to do at home so he's busy doing that and watching TV. I have already brought up the fact that he lies about where he is when people call him. He said that I should not be stressing him because I know that he works two conflicting jobs so he does what he has to do. I can't keep mentioning it...

[Ther4peuticH3at]

If I had to guess, I'd say that he's lost interest to some extent, for whatever reason. Maybe due to stress. Begging for attention will normally make a guy less inclined to give it to you.

Unless you're happy with the way things stand, you're going to have to make some kind of change. If you've talked and he doesn't feel the need to make any adjustments to his own behavior, you'll have to adjust yours. If you make appropriate changes to your own behavior or perspective, and you still find that you're unhappy.. maybe it's time to move on.

Also, I know what its like to be pulled in different directions and be pretty much spread a little too thin to make sufficient time for a girlfriend. It hurts when you feel like you're doing the best you can and she still wants more from you. In my case, all it took was her to express the way she felt, for me to make more time for her.

[paxe]

It's hard when a man is really busy and doesn't have much time for his girlfriend. It's a life choice he is making right now and sometimes, if you give your support he will give you more time. Also you really need to talk to him, we almost never listen when our girlfriend talks to us. Tell him in a serious tone, we really need to talk.

[Larken85]

My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. We have not been able to get into a position where we are living together regardless of all my countless efforts. Finally I do all the foot work and get her an apartment (meant for us) and the morning after she moved in she asked me to get out for two weeks so that she could get her children used to the change. She had previously been living with her EX for that entire 1.5 year though I give her credit she never tried to hide that she was moving out from him. He however demanded that while under his roof she must obide by his rules and not see me. She of course seen me as much as possible otherwise we wouldn't still be together today. She is much older than me being 36 and myself only 24 but we have made age a non-factor. The problem I am having now is simply, she let her EX come into our new apartment after I left for my mother's for two weeks (possibly plus some) and had him do all the move in stuff... I have no clue how long he is there, no clue what that apartment actually even looks like now or anything. I don't know what to do. It could be that she wants to remain friends or is finding it hard to tell him to buzz off for the rest of her life but I'm sorry I want this guy gone now. He is far too in my way. And I have told her that several times now but she just keeps saying soon soon soon. WHEN DOES SOON BECOME NOW? I have done so much for this chick and I just don't know what to do to get her ex gone. Its obvoius that its got to be her that gets rid of him and that if I force it it will backfire on me so what to do? Leave? I don't want to leave and give it all up. I love her with all my heart and I want to marry her. Due to a mistake I myself made with another woman a few months ago (which I actually blame on my fiancés neglect of me)... OK it wasn't a mistake, I wanted some attention, any at all and she wouldn't give it to me or as she would say couldn't give it to me because of her ex so I looked up my ex, broke up with my fiancé, and tried with my ex but we didn't get far before I felt too guilty about it and took my fiancé back for another try because she came to me bawling and begging but She calls that cheating when I wasn't really planning on getting back with her that soon at the very least if ever. Yes our relationship has been through the ringer, I know it probably doesn't even sound like its worth saving but to me it is worth everything so I need to know what to do.

[redhed35]

An ex who says to a 36 year old women 'you abide by my rules under my roof' has control issues,and she is most likely scared to go completely against him.

He's not going to go away unless she takes steps to enforce it..

Soon soon soon,will never come.

My advice,cancel the lease and get out now.

Does the ex even know that its YOUR place?

[talaniman]

Listen carefully young guy, your being used, maybe unintentionally, by this female to escape from her ex. After she has escaped and gotten her freedom, your toast. Worse, your so thrilled to have her, you are willing to meet her every need.

She may have been showing you attention, but its for her good, not yours. When you have served your purpose, you will no longer be needed.

That's why she is with a young guy, who doesn't know better. She knew you would believe anything she says, and you have.

[Devorameira]

I know you don’t want to hear it, but I get the distinct feeling that she is using you. :( Since I know you don’t believe it, all you can do is address your feelings with her. Since the two of you are supposedly together now, it’s totally inappropriate for her to have her ex hanging out day and night with her.

Since she’s your girlfriend, there is nothing wrong with you telling the ex when he is getting too close, too needy or crossing boundaries when he is. If your girlfriend does not respect your feelings in the matter or does not want to end the bonds with the ex, then it's time for you to move on, because it's clear that she's not ready to move on herself.