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someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 12:17 AM

Okay I guess I begin with my story, so I have feelings for a girl at my work place and college. We didn't talk much at first but slowly she began to approach me and talk to me, few days later we became friends and had lunch together and just talk. Now we continued to hang out and have lunch almost everyday. After a few months (by the time I knew she had a bf) she told me to register the same class as her and her boyfriend. Usually she and I would be talking and the boyfriend would be left out. Sometimes even after class she would ditch her boyfriend to chat with me. Apparently the boyfriend doesn't like me at all, I try to be nice and trying to show that I am not interested in his girl (well I am trying to cover it up as best as I can) . Once 3 of us were hanging out when the boyfriend tried to kiss the girl but she refused and later on the boyfriend got really mad since she was sticking with me while talking to class. Even now she does not react to the bf's affections while in front of me. After the school session was over, I asked her to go on a road trip with some of my friends and the boyfriend tagged along too. I was cramped in the back seat with the girl and her boyfriend the whole trip and things suddenly gotten awkward. I rarely talked to her during the trip and she would try to get a conversation started but I would cut off the conversation quick. After the road trip, we barely spoke to each other for couple of weeks.

Later on I decided to ask her to an usual lunch and we talked as if the trip never happened and the awkwardness was gone. Slowly after 2 or 3 months past, she tried to invite me to her house to hang out. I refused a couple of times cause I know that the boyfriend would be there. But once I came over and after everyone else left and the boyfriend was sleeping in her room, she started to have teary eyes and started to say how hard life is and such and such, I guess it was because of the drinks. I started to feel that I need to protect her. In the past she did complain about her boyfriend about that she is the one that has to support him.

Well I want your suggestions what should I do. I just want to tell her how I feel and she has been giving me some hints from the past.

Clough · Oct 13, 2009, 12:24 AM

Hi, someguy229!

She is the one who has to support her boyfriend? Why is that, please?

Would you please share more about that?

Thanks!

someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 12:28 AM

Okay I hope this clarifies: She told me she wanted her boyfriend to give her more attention. She says her boyfriend never listens to her problems and concerns. Also she is the one who is trying to comfort him when he is feeling down.

Clough · Oct 13, 2009, 12:30 AM

Hi again, someguy229!

How long have the two of them had a close relationship, please?

Thanks!

someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 12:35 AM

Oh forgot to add that too: 2 years

Clough · Oct 13, 2009, 12:39 AM

Do you think there will be a chance in the near future for you to have a heart-to-heart with her privately, about the way you feel and about the signals that you think you're getting from her, please?

She might be still hanging onto the other guy because there might not be clear signals from you as to what you would like to do. Do you think that also might be a possibility as to what's going on?

Thanks!

someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 12:40 AM

I forgot to add this but she and I have almost the same interests and we both lost someone very dear to us within both of our families. We can sometimes relate to certain problems but usually it is me that hears her out. Maybe she feels a connection? You guys might know better, I am still naïve.

Clough · Oct 13, 2009, 12:44 AM

Originally Posted by someguy229

I forgot to add this but she and I have almost the same interests and we both lost someone very dear to us within both of our families. We can sometimes relate to certain problems but usually it is me that hears her out. Maybe she feels a connection? You guys might know better, I am still naive.

I have no doubt that she feels some sort of connection with you for various reasons. Besides that, you listen to her! That's very important in relationships! She doesn't seem to getting the listening aspect from her present boyfriend.

Thanks!

someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 12:47 AM

Well I am got to say I am pretty certain that there would be a chance if I tell her of how I truly feel about her. Also as for the second question: I have been beating around the bushes honestly when we had that awkwardness from after the road trip she was trying to patch up with the boyfriend. I barely responded from her signals and chose to ignore it since I thought it would be immoral for me to try to break a relationship. Maybe you do have a point about her clinging on to her boyfriend cause I am not giving much reaction to her signs.

Clough · Oct 13, 2009, 12:51 AM

She is giving you signs...

Do you like to send sentimental types of cards, please?

Thanks!

someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 12:57 AM

Hmm maybe, I was thinking about talking to her in an indirect way using 3rd person's view. Could this work too?

Clough · Oct 13, 2009, 01:03 AM

If you're going to be honest and upfront with her and get her attention as well as respect and not play a guessing game with her, I would suggest being straight-up with her without giving her any "what ifs?" or other types of scenarios.

Thanks!

someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 01:06 AM

Clough, I got to say thanks a lot, you've been very helpful. Heck I'll go for it tomorrow! Again thanks.

Clough · Oct 13, 2009, 01:14 AM

You know, you can open up a "door" to make it really easy to have open conversation with this woman, if you would send her a card, first.

If you would like to do that, please let me know.

I do have a lot of ideas about cards...

Thanks!

someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 01:18 AM

Well heck, I am open to ideas please if you can share some of your ideas that would be great.

Clough · Oct 13, 2009, 01:29 AM

I would suggest going to a drugstore or bookstore that sells a variety of greeting cards. You also might want to go to a store where the majority of what is sold is greeting cards.

I would then suggest looking for one that's very pretty on the outside as well as on the inside that says something that has to do about caring for the person. What it says, will depend on the particular situation.

From what I've gathered from you tonight, if I were you, I would try to find one that says something about how you know the person has some challenges and things to think about for decision making. You know, sort of the life isn't always that easy sort of thing...

I would then add to the card, a brief note about how much you care, and if she wants to talk about anything, that you'll be right there for her.

Catch my drift?.

Are you into art at all? Do you draw or do calligraphy?

Thanks!

I wish · Oct 13, 2009, 06:17 AM

Clough gave you a different perspective to think about, but I'm going to go in a different direction.

First of all, you obviously have feelings for this girl. So because of that, you're going to twist all her actions into a way to think that she has an interest in you as well. But think about it this way, she's still with her boyfriend. There's a reason she's still with him, nor matter how many bad things she says to you. If she was actually interested in you, she wouldn't stay in her current relationship.
Don't misinterpret her friendship as something more. You've simply become her "shoulder to cry on." That's why she doesn't feel guilty talking to you, because you're her buddy, like her any of her girl friends. Her boyfriend might be jealous of you, but since she dosen't harbor any romantic feelings for you, talking to you is harmless.

If she had feelings for you, she would keep her distance from you and feel guilty talking to you.

Sounds like you can't handle a simple friendship, otherwise you wouldn't over-analyze all the little details and twist it in a way that favors you. She's confused enough about her boyfriend and if you still have feelings for her, then you need to back away from her and leave her alone..

ilikemyhumanraw · Oct 13, 2009, 12:26 PM

RED FLAG ALL OVER... Stay away, go find someone available, or you'll start an healthy relating pattern... ew.

someguy229 · Oct 13, 2009, 01:05 PM

Well got to say thanks for your opinions, I'll give it a long thought about this.

Cat1864 · Oct 13, 2009, 01:36 PM

I tend to agree with I wish. You maybe reading more into her actions than she means.

However, IF she is waiting for a sign from you before breaking up with her current boyfriend, then I would be very wary that this isn't a habit she has formed to move from relationship to another when she gets tired or bored with the current one.

If she does end up leaving her current boyfriend, do not immediately get into a romantic relationship with her. Whether she realizes it or not, she will need time to heal and find herself again before getting into another relationship. You don't want to end up being a rebound romance.