[beanster]

My husband had cheated.You can read some of it in an earlier thread.Now I observed him e-mailing her boys who are teenagers and have their own dad.My question is this;Is it too much to demand that he stop any contact not only with her but with her kids,too?As far as I see it is any contact with her kids is a contact with her,too.I am not so sure that he is not still talking to her,either,as he is very secretive about his e-mails and his MySpace account.Any suggestions?

[Krs]

Forgiving your partner after cheating is always a burden on the relationship. Sometimes that why I believe it should be finished, as the trust isn't the same.

Do you trust him?
Are you happy?

[beanster]

No and no!

[Krs]

Would u be happier if you moved on?

[beanster]

Propably!But as you can see by my earlier posting,I am stuck here for now.But my question is more about whether my demands are exaggerated or within normal limits.

[talaniman]

Your feelings are your own and if contact with the kids of the one he cheated with bugs you then that's how you feel and have every right to voice those feelings. He has cheated already and still in contact, albeit indirectly, with this female. Don't you know he is still cheating? No your demands are reasonable and more than normal, to answer your question.

[beanster]

Thank you!I do feel that he is still in contact with her,too as he keeps his e-mail and other communications a secret and is often away at night and does not really explain where he was.I found a receipt of a motel and he had a convoluted story about it.We tried counseling but he wasted everybody's time with small talk and now says that the counselor is"stupid".I am considering going by myself,though,as I am depressed and that is not normal for me.

[J_9]

Thank you!I do feel that he is still in contact with her,too as he keeps his e-mail and other communications a secret and is often away at night and does not really explain where he was.I found a receipt of a motel and he had a convoluted story about it.We tried counseling but he wasted everybody's time with small talk and now says that the counselor is"stupid".I am considering going by myself,though,as I am depressed and that is not normal for me.

It is apparent, to me at least, that he is still cheating on you.

I did read your other post, but there has to be a way out of this. People from other countried get divorced all the time. I am wondering if he is just intimidating you so that he can have his cake and eat it too.

[beanster]

I give you an example:I had found out and confronted both of them end of March.She was supposed to be my friend,too.All hell broke loose and he promised to change.I really tried my best to listen and to be there for him.We went to church every Sunday and marriage counselingand then my beloved pet iguana died.I had loved this animal and I called my husband at work that the iguana is dying and that I am on the way to the vet.I came home to look at the empty cage.I had this iguana for eight years and he was a famous lizard as we had gone to educational programs and schools and thousands of people had met him.He was special so when he died after a long illness I was very emotional.My husband did not come home that night.I knew in my gut where he was but was in denial.I could not believe he would do that.The next day would have been our anniversary to top it off.I e-mailed his sister and she called him the next morning.I did not even have his phone number for his new cell phone.He called me and told me that he had gone drinking and slept at some friend's house.By the afternoon I called her house and just asked if he had been there last night and found my fear confirmed.He came home later at night and I flew off the handle.I gave him the rings and told him that I will not wear them until he can commit with all his heart.We are living now like oil and water.We do not share beds.I still have not heard any remorse about it from him.He had always been jealous of my care for the iguana.By the way,reptiles are what I intend to make a living with and I am regarded as an expert.So that gives you an idea what is going on here.

[J_9]

Is there a reason you can't pick up and move into at least a hotel for the time being?

[Sentra]

When you can't go through a day without worrying about the actions of the one you are committed to, there is an extreme problem and there needs to be relief from it. Why exactly are you 'stuck' there?

[beanster]

Yes,as you can read in my former posting I don't have my residency here yet and so cannot work and support myself.He knows this but finally with the help of friends and some money for petsitting I am able to file but that will still need some time.The immigration authorities are overwhelmed but I do hope that it will take only months and not years.Untill then I am stuck here.At least he is not screaming at me and we try to be civil about it.

[beanster]

Well,I did find out that he is e-mailing her.We had a talk and I told him that I do not tolerate his contact to her in any way.I have never been a jealous person and he has many contacts to tons of people that I used to not be concerned about but this is not acceptable.He admitted that he is confused.He is in the typical age for midlife crisis and I suppose that is the case with him.I did make it very clear that unless he puts up an effort to save this relationship we are heading for divorce.I told him that I want to hear his decision so I know where I am heading and can start to take steps towards an indipendant life.

[Sentra]

Aren't you automatically a citizen because you are married to him? And good going by having that talk with him, his own inner battles shouldn't affect anyone but him.

[beanster]

No,you are not a citizen until you filed for it and paid huge fees.But I am nearly there but it will take months until I get my work permit.It is a real nail biter.

[Sentra]

Well, I hope you are in a happy place for now, until you can get on your own two feet which you will!:)

[talaniman]

Hang in there, and don't give up.