What should I do?

tuck60 · Sep 29, 2009, 05:59 AM

I took a real setback today and got in contact with my ex girlfriend, I told her that I still love her and am struggling to move on. I tried so hard not to do it but I couldn't stop myself. She said she was sorry but she has moved on but still wants to be friends. I just got really upset as don't understand how you can move on so quick unless she never really cared for me that much anyway. I really regret doing it but I still love the girl and couldn't help it. Now I just feel like our relationship was a lie and she obviously wasn't into me that much as after two and half a years you don't move on in a month. After we spoke I text her telling her that I will not contact her again and she said that is not what she wants. What should I do?

kctiger · Sep 29, 2009, 06:03 AM

You should stop contacting her, period. We know this is hard but at some point you HAVE to man up and have some self control. You owe it to yourself to end this stuff. She has moved on because she started to move on before you ever broke up.

Next time you want to contact her, post on here. You see how much it hurts, but hopefully it taught you a lesson, painful as it may be. Erase her phone number, get rid of the photos and all, erase her from your life. You HAVE to treat this like a death right now. Cry, mourn your loss, but end the contact.

Don't beat yourself up too bad either. We have all made these mistakes. Learn from them!

unaffected · Sep 29, 2009, 06:11 AM

Originally Posted by tuck60

Now I just feel like our relationship was a lie and she obviously wasn’t into me that much as after two and half a years you don’t move on in a month.

Time will give you a better overall perspective. You need time to heal. Time without her.

People handle things differently, and perhaps she felt the break-up coming and worked on getting over you towards the end of your relationship. I have been her before. That doesn't mean that your relationship was a lie. It just means that you guys drifted apart (as you said in your OP), and believe me, it happens! I'm sure she has just as fond of memories as you do from your time together, but when it's all said and done, you weren't right for each other.

Focus on yourself now, on your healing. Cut off contact with her completely. If not, it will be a long road ahead of you.

Stay strong!

tuck60 · Sep 29, 2009, 09:04 AM

Yes, I regret contacting her and feel stupid for doing it as all it did was rub salt in the wound as she is doing fine.

TexasLonghorn · Sep 29, 2009, 12:19 PM

Do not be too hard on yourself Tuck60. It happens.

Just remember that if you contact her you will hurt yourself. Next time you have a thought to contact remember "that if its a good idea today it will be a good idea next week."

Stay strong. It's tough... I know... we will all get through this.

tuck60 · Oct 12, 2009, 05:06 AM

I have found out today that my ex girlfriend now has a new boyfriend, we only broke up 5 weeks ago. This has made me feel slightly weird. I really want to write to her or ask her if she ever actually cared about me. If she did, how could she begin a new relationship so soon. Is it normal to think like this and do you think it would be a bad idea to contact her and put these questions to her?

amicon · Oct 12, 2009, 05:29 AM

No don't contact her and hard as it is don't try to figure out why she s already in a new relationship. She was probably as other posters here have said starting to move on before you broke up. This doesn't mean what the two of you had was a lie but people change and what they want from life change. You should be taking care of yourself now and concentrate on your own wellbeing. Spend time with people you like and who care about you. Keep busy and don't get it touch with the ex.

redhed35 · Oct 12, 2009, 05:37 AM

Originally Posted by tuck60

I have found out today that my ex gf now has a new boyfriend, we only broke up 5 weeks ago. This has made me feel slightly wierd. I really want to write to her or ask her if she ever actually cared about me. If she did, how could she begin a new relationship so soon. Is it normal to think like this and do you think it would be a bad idea to contact her and put these questions to her?

What would you hope to achieve by asking her more questions?

How many times will she need to reject you before you get the message,and now she has a new relationship to consider,you're the ex boyfriend,do not become the ex boyfriend that won't leave her alone.

Break ups are hard.. no one is saying anything else,do not contact this girl,in any way!

Your hurt,she's not.. your in love with her,she is not in love with you..

She does not want you...

Pick up your life, in time you will find someone who will love you for you,and want to stay with you,but think about how your going to relate the story of your ex... 'she dumped me,and I would not leave her alone' or 'i found it hard to get over it,but I did,and I'm glad,because then I would not have met you'...

tuck60 · Oct 12, 2009, 05:52 AM

I don't know what I would want to achieve by speaking to her, I guess I would want to know if she ever really loved me like she said she did. I did a lot for her and have just been left feeling slightly used by the whole situation.

kctiger · Oct 12, 2009, 05:53 AM

Originally Posted by tuck60

i don't know what i would want to achieve by speaking to her, i guess i would want to know if she ever really loved me like she said she did. I did alot for her and have just been left feeling slightly used by the whole situation.

Your ego is bruised and your confidence is shot. That is natural. So long as you continue talking to her trying to attain answers you feel will boost either your ego or confidence you will continue to feel like garbage. What you are doing is not realistic nor a solution to anything... it is just a hope of a quick fix that does nothing in the end.

redhed35 · Oct 12, 2009, 05:59 AM

I'm sure during the two years you were together she loved you.. and that you BOTH did a lot for each other,if it was just all you,then perhaps this is a good thing.

Its normal to wonder when you find out your ex is in another relationship,soon after the break up,if you really meant something to them,but,the fact remains,that its over,and talking to her won't change that.

Try and take a different view on the situation.

She was in a relationship for two years,she ended the relationship and five weeks later she is in another relationship... there is no way,that I can see,she is over the break up.. she may be glad its over,but even in the most amicable breakups,people need time to recover... maybe he's her rebound? I can't say if it will last,but,would you honestly want her back now?

Think about it, she's with someone five weeks after the split...

tuck60 · Oct 12, 2009, 06:29 AM

I don't want to get back with her but it's just that I feel like I need to know if she ever actually cared. I still care about the girl but I don't want to try again with her, I want her to be happy with or without me, its just a kick in the teeth to find out she has gone out with what must be one of the first guys she has met since we broke up. I wouldn't jump straight into a relationship because I respect her too much and wouldn't want her to feel how I feel right now.

azif · Oct 12, 2009, 07:26 AM

I feel like this too. But you can't be with someone for a few years and be lying the whole time. At some point she stopped caring and now you do too

It freaking hurts

talaniman · Oct 12, 2009, 08:44 AM

Look in the mirror, and see what your doing! Sure your sad, and hurt from a break up, that's normal, and to be expected.

But what are you doing about it? Your rejection, and failure (which is shared by you both by the way) are making you beat yourself up for no reason what so ever. That's not how you handle bad situations.

You have to start the healing process, for now with grief, but after 5 weeks, you look for a do what makes you feel better. You no longer need her to affirm that your cared for, or loved any more, thats your job now.

The way I see it, you can sit on the pity pot stuck, by your hurt, or heal, by doing what makes you happy.

Trust me its easy to just sit, and feel bad, but it's a lot harder to get up, and do something positive, or even figure out what is positive to do.

Stop wasting time wondering about her feelings, and do for your own feelings. Its hard, but you will love the blessing of loving yourself.

Get busy. Actually do something for yourself, maybe go back to what you were doing before, or start something new and interesting, as you regroup and rebuild a life that you enjoy.

What you think you're the first guy to be dumped? Some of us have had many break ups, and will have many more.

The fact is taking care of yourself will not only get you through the hard times, but you'll appreciate the options, and opportunities to be happy in the future.

I wish · Oct 12, 2009, 09:01 AM

The more you hear about her life, the more you're going to prolong this healing process. You need to block her out of her life, pretend that she doesn't exist if you have to. She's clearly move on with her life, you need to start living your own life.

tuck60 · Oct 22, 2009, 12:53 AM

Hi All, This morning I received a text message from my ex, I deleted her number but I recognise the number as hers. She just asked how I am? Should I respond or not? I don't want too but don't want her to think I am being rude.

rockie100 · Oct 22, 2009, 01:43 AM

Responding to her would only set you back. Nothing she would have to say would help you heal from this break up. I think you need not worry about what she thinks is rude behavior. If you were to ponder. Did she give thought to what was rude when she moved on? If she really cares to know how you are, she can find an alternate way to do so.

talaniman · Oct 22, 2009, 02:59 AM

So you would sacrifice your own healing, and do something you don't want to do, just so you won't appear rude. Don't you think that's putting her needs, and interests above your own?? Think, when you brought up the subject of spending more time together what was her reply to that?

I want to see her more but she can't sometimes has she has plans etc with friends, I completely understand that but feel that if you care for someone and want to be with someone you would make the effort to see them. Once i tried to raise this issue with her and she felt that i was trying to control her.

So now you let a simple text put you back to where your putting her first again. She had her fun with her friends and plans, and put you second, after you were understanding about her needs. That worked out just great didn't it?

For once put yourself first, and if she thinks its rude, so what. Rude is nothing compared to what you felt before, when you cared. But why should you now?

Never make time for someone who didn't have time for you.

Ignore her, that's why you deleted her number, isn't it, to keep her out of your life because she didn't care enough, and had more important things to do.

Now its you who have a lot more important things to do for yourself.

amicon · Oct 22, 2009, 03:50 AM

Ignore her. Don't go back to square one-you re not being rude-by ignoring her you stand up for yourself.

tuck60 · Oct 29, 2009, 02:54 AM

Next week is my Ex's birthday, I am tempted to send her a card. All I would say is happy birthday, hope you have a nice day. If she then contacted me I would not respond, but I just feel like I should send the card to acknowledge the fact that I remember its her birthday. What do you think?