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mary79 · Aug 9, 2009, 05:02 PM

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I am currently in a relationship. He is actually my first love when I was 15. We were together until I turned 18. We reunited in 2007. We now have a baby and another on the way. (yes, I am getting better b.c after baby is born f.y.I) Well it's been rocky. But we holding on I suppose. Anyway, I recently found porno movies he has hidden and 3 magazines. I went through some of them to see what it is that he seems to enjoy watching the most. I do feel bad for snooping but I was just trying to find a cigarette because he hides them from me. I shouldn't smoke but sometimes I get these cravings and I really need like at least 2 puffs. I know it's wrong and I already feel bad for it. Anyway back to the porn thing...

I feel so disgusted. I can't explain it. First off I feel so fat compared to these women. Second, some of the things he watches, he has never done with me. I have not always been a pregnant, overweight woman. I was a size 7. So I'm feeling insulted and as if he does not desire me. I want to confront him because I've always believed that pornograpy is wrong. Also because my 3 daughters were abused sexually and used in child pornography. They are no longer with me. (C.P.S issue)I made a post about it in the family law section. So my question is... should I confront him? And also, am I over reacting feeling as jealous and rejected as I do?

paxe · Aug 9, 2009, 05:46 PM

It's quite normal for men to watch porn. It doesn't mean that he doesn't like you, it's a natural thing. I think it's a personal matter for you because of your story but for most men it doesn't mean anything. It surely doesn't mean he loves you. I would suggest talking to him.

mary79 · Aug 9, 2009, 06:04 PM

I plan on talking to him. Hopefully he won't be embarresed

Fr_Chuck · Aug 9, 2009, 06:06 PM

Assuming this was not child porn, men look at porn, I don't know any man who has not some.

And to be honest I bet he can't perform like the men in the movies either..

And what is it they do that he does not do with you ? When you can if you want to ask him.

Sex is not something one sided, but things talked about and even planned at time

Gemini54 · Aug 9, 2009, 06:45 PM

Yes, you are overreacting in taking this personally.

Lots of men have porn and use porn - it's a fantasy for most of them and it's not real. Most healthy men don't expect real women to behave like they do in the porn movies - it's like science fiction, you enjoy it, but you know it's not real.

I would suggest that you're actually sad and stressed over the loss of your other children and what happened to them.

Talk to your BF and let him know your feelings, he needs to understand the link between your revulsion at his 'porn stash' and what has happened to your children and to be sensitive about it.

And, stop smoking. It's bad for the unborn baby.

mary79 · Aug 9, 2009, 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Yes, you are overreacting in taking this personally.

Lots of men have porn and use porn - it's a fantasy for most of them and it's not real. Most healthy men don't expect real women to behave like they do in the porn movies - it's like science fiction, you enjoy it, but you know it's not real.

I would suggest that you're actually sad and stressed over the loss of your other children and what happened to them.

Talk to your BF and let him know your feelings, he needs to understand the link between your revulsion at his 'porn stash' and what has happened to your children and to be sensitive about it.

And, stop smoking. It's bad for the unborn baby.

I thought men wanted their women to do the things in those movies. I'm thinking like "how the hell do they do that for so long without their legs getting cramps or something?". But if what you say is true then I can see why my b/f hates the thought of me with another woman. I had a bisexual friend who I was close to (not sexual) and he hated us together. And he likes watching it on movies. Hmmm...

I haven't smoked for almost a week. I didn't do it everyday. Just when I couldn't take it anymore. I use to hate to see women do it. It's my first time doing it in a pregnancy. I am such a hypocrite. (by admission)

He doesn't know in detail what happened to my children and I really don't know if I should tell him because he is already mad about it and the men that did it live in our side of town. I don't want him to go after them because he has already stated he wants to hurt them. He had actually met my girls and was fond of them and planned to be their father before everything happened w/ CPS. So I decided not to tell him everything. We see them at the store or gas station sometimes. He WOULD do something if he was mad enough and I don't want him hurt or in jail

Romefalls19 · Aug 9, 2009, 07:30 PM

They are called fantasies, they always sound better when played out in your head. There were a few people I knew that used to think having their girlfriend be with another guy for a night would be a good fantasy, but ask them to act on it, they would kill a guy just for looking at them the wrong way.

Sure, I'd LOVE to have a 3 some but I would never do it. Too many problems get started from it, and it never works out the way it does in the porn movies. In porn, it's just sex, us guys few it as just sex. When you are in a relationship, you view it as an emotional and physical connection with a person you have feelings for. It's a different part of the brain that is triggered when you have intercourse with your partner as compared to watching a porn movie.

Also, just to get things straight, smoking while pregnant, not the greatest idea in the world. You two may want to consider parenting classes.

Gemini54 · Aug 9, 2009, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by mary79

i thought men wanted their women to do the things in those movies. I'm thinking like "how the hell do they do that for so long without their legs getting cramps or something?". But if what you say is true then i can see why my b/f hates the thought of me with another woman. I had a bisexual friend who i was close to (not sexual) and he hated us together. And he likes watching it on movies. Hmmm....

I haven't smoked for almost a week. I didn't do it everyday. Just when I couldn't take it anymore. I use to hate to see women do it. It's my first time doing it in a pregnacy. I am such a hypocrite. (by admission)

He doesn't know in detail what happened to my children and I really don't know if I should tell him because he is already mad about it and the men that did it live in our side of town. I don't want him to go after them because he has already stated he wants to hurt them. He had actually met my girls and was fond of them and planned to be their father before everything happened w/ CPS. So I decided not to tell him everything. We see them at the store or gas station sometimes. He WOULD do something if he was mad enough and I don't want him hurt or in jail

I think that you really need to be honest with him about your feelings, it's up to you whether you tell him the details of what happened.

Going after the guys that did this to your children will do more harm than good - but it's time you started being honest about how you feel. Start making some healthy, honest choices and give your new baby the best start in life with a good father and a good mother.

The porno is just a side issue - unless he has mountains of it or he looks at it every day, I wouldn't worry.

mary79 · Aug 9, 2009, 07:44 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

They are called fantasies, they always sound better when played out in your head. There were a few people I knew that used to think having their girlfriend be with another guy for a night would be a good fantasy, but ask them to act on it, they would kill a guy just for looking at them the wrong way.

Sure, I'd LOVE to have a 3 some but I would never do it. Too many problems get started from it, and it never works out the way it does in the porn movies. In porn, it's just sex, us guys few it as just sex. When you are in a relationship, you view it as an emotional and physical connection with a person you have feelings for. It's a different part of the brain that is triggered when you have intercourse with your partner as compared to watching a porn movie.

Also, just to get things straight, smoking while pregnant, not the greatest idea in the world. You two may want to consider parenting classes.

He does not let me smoke. He hides them. That's how I came across all this. Looking for them. I have taken parenting classes. The classes I took taught nothing about your pregnancy. Just what to do after the baby is born. I hear where your coming from so I'm just going to let you have that because I use to say things like that myself.

Romefalls19 · Aug 9, 2009, 07:46 PM

You shouldn't smoke, not to mention the effects it would have on your child, but on your own life as well. I suggested the parenting class because it sounds like things are getting rough with you and him and needs to be sorted out.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 9, 2009, 08:12 PM

I would assume he hides the porn ( which I don't believe in hiding it) because he knew you would not like it.

And to be honest, sometimes it is the thrilll of the sneaking it, that excites some men.

Now if it becomes an addiction, then it is a problem. But most men could not do 1/2 of what is in the porn film either, and many are just that movies, they have cuts, re-shoots, and splice. So what you see as 30 minutes of sex could be 8 days of shooting that is put into one film.

A married couple "if they want" could watch a few together to see about trying some new things, knowing that of course all new things don't work and being able to laugh at yourself when it does not.

For a married couple, sex should be a fun activity

mary79 · Aug 9, 2009, 08:32 PM

Most of these replies have made me feel better about the issue. I don't believe he has a habit because he is hardly ever alone when he is home. A few times a week I am away while he is home to run errands. He is often at work half of the day.

mary79 · Aug 22, 2009, 03:45 PM

Threads merged

When he comes home his text inbox is empty. And so are his recent calls. Now he has a phone made for texting. It's why he bought it. Him and his buddies text often. But why is he deleting everything before he comes home. If I talk about it, he says I'm being paranoid. What do you think? Oh yes and he has his myspace private and deleted me from his friends a long time ago. It says he is single on his profile. He mentions the kids, but not me.

zippit · Aug 22, 2009, 03:48 PM

There are some red flags but the only one that knows is him,I have always said what does your gut instinct say?
Why are you checking his phone?
There's more hear than your telling us

danielnoahsmommy · Aug 22, 2009, 03:52 PM

If you don't trust him it will never work. Moreover if you suspect him cheating he most likely is!

mary79 · Aug 22, 2009, 06:16 PM

Last year he cheated. I left him and it took a lot for me to come back. Everything had seemed okay but now I don't know what to think. I went through his phone because he has been sleeping with it under his pillow and he takes it with him when he showers. So I got suspicious. He always checks my phone so I have told him "let me see yours then..." but it's always deleted.

He loves his daughter very much, and we have a baby on the way. I told him I will leave him for good if he cheats again or hits me. He was so upset when I left last time that he got drunk and went on a hhigh speed chase with the police. He ended up totaling the truck and got close to death. He was drunk plus he resisted arrest so you can guess he did some time. I told him that he will lose us for good next time. So I hope being with another woman does not matter more to him than us.
I have not ever been unfaithful to him.

zippit · Aug 22, 2009, 06:22 PM

Mary79; Last year he cheated.

Now how did I know that?
Well you two are going to have to stop playing games

jmjoseph · Aug 22, 2009, 06:47 PM

He hit you? THAT is something that is unacceptable. Bottom line.

As far as the snooping, on both sides, why would you want to live like that? Life is too short to be investigating one another. Children or not, don't be with someone who you don't trust. You either trust them, or you don't. If someone sleeps with their phone, and takes it to the shower, they have something to hide. That is not normal behavior. The ABUSE, the mysterious behavior, along with the police chase, resisting arrest,etc. makes for a bad influence on your kids. And a miserable life. You should make some serious decisions. I wish you the best.

mary79 · Aug 22, 2009, 06:59 PM

Threads merged

I am pregnant right now. I have a one and a 1/2 year old with him also. I gained weight in my last pregnancy and didn't focus on losing it after. Only because I went through a hard time and being depressed the past year I didn't care much about my image. He recently expressed to me that he feels I have gained a lot of weight and he'd like me to look how I did when we met.

Now I do know how to lose weight and get in shape. I know how to do cardio workouts and how to watch what I eat.

His cheating hasn't helped. Made me feel ugly and got me more depressed than I already was. I use to dress nice and fix my hair, and put on a little make up and he never paid attention to me so I stopped and then I slowly gained more weight and just let myself go. I have told him that after I have this baby I plan to work out and get my shape back. Not really for him but more for myself. So I can like who I see and feel healthy.

I'd like to know from a mans point of view; why would someone cheat on someone he loves and doesn't want to lose. Why do they think they can have it both ways. Do they not consider how it may affect their g/f. Yes, the change in appearance isn't good. But instead of complain about it, maybe he should help her with what she is going through in her life instead of add to it. And he knows what he has. It's why he was drawn to her. My man knows that once this weight is gone and I'm back to my old self, what he has. He knows how men hit on me daily and how I can have someone better. Honestly, I have seen the woman on his myspace and the one he cheated with and I topped them all in looks. At the moment I am overweight but I''m not hideous. So I don't understand it because he is not in shape himself. He gained weight and I have had men more handsome than him. But I love him so I don't even desire to be with another man.

SO what is the big deal? Does an orgasm or a few of them really mean that much to a man. Ya I hear the who thing about how we are just human and sexual beings and we may slip at times. To me it's just B.S. Not true because guess what? I love sex. And I look at men that look hot. But do I want to have sex with them. Hell no. I have a man at home and just because he doesn't have a 6pack doesn't mean I will go out and have sex with one that does. And is it hard for me to tell a good looking man that I am in a relationship? No it isn't. So here I am waiting to have this baby. I have already began watching how much and what I eat. I wonder if my man will be one of those that doesn't realize what he has until it's gone. Is he going to see me and wish he would have loved me just a little more... And tell me how good I look, but I won't be his? That would be kind of sad for him.

For our children too. One day she will be a teenager and ask why did her mom leave or why did her dad cheat. And what do we say. The truth? "Daddy cheated because mommy got fat and he couldn't be patient and wait for her to lose it". What will she think of her hero then? Daddy didn't love mommy? Or do we lie to the one who we want to trust us the most. Are there men out there that care more for their families more than a piece of a** or a pair of double d's?

BTW I know women do the same thing. But in my case it's a man.

mary79 · Aug 22, 2009, 07:12 PM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

He hit you? THAT is something that is unacceptable. Bottom line.

As far as the snooping, on both sides, why would you want to live like that? Life is too short to be investigating one another. Children or not, don't be with someone who you don't trust. You either trust them, or you don't. If someone sleeps with their phone, and takes it to the shower, they have something to hide. That is not normal behavior. The ABUSE, the mysterious behavior, along with the police chase, resisting arrest,etc., makes for a bad influence on your kids. And a miserable life. You should make some serious decisions. I wish you the best.

What you say about the kids is so right. I am going to have a serious talk with him. i am going to tell him that He needs to stop taking the phone with him to the shower and also that he needs to keep his ringer on during the day. I am not going to be too demanding about it but I am going to let him know that everything he has, he is about to lose. I am also going to ask him if he wants to be with someone eles. I want him to know I wont keep his children from him if we break up.