[qwerty]

I was dating a girl for about 1 1/2 years until last month. I met her at college, but she left at the end of the first year. We had a really great time that first year, and over the summer because we live fairly close to each other. We have stuck together through a lot of hard times, but last month I really screwed up. It was my birthday so she came to my house and we didn't really do anything special. We were waiting to go out with my friends. Bascially though we fought the whole day. To the point where she wanted to leave because she thought she ruining my birthday. We made up right up right when my friends got to my house. Hugged kissed and all that other good stuff. We then went out and had a good time. Later I got super trashed and ended up hitting her for no reason. I don't remember doing this at all. We had a huge fight over that and tried to make up, but I think that she has felt I have had a drinking problem for awhile and this was the straw that broke the camels back. We hung out twice after that, but didn't really have a good time. We were supposed to hang out right before I went back to school, but I guess really did a lot of thinking about what had happened and that I really did have a serious drinking problem coupled with the fact that I had been a jerk the 2 times we hung out after that she said she didn't want to see me and we needed to have some time apart. I have since then stopped drinking and have really tried to change my lifestyle, but she will not speak to me. I wrote her 2 letters which I have not heard back from. I would see her, but I am at college and do not have transportation to her house. I really want to apologize to her/talk about this/get back together with her, but don't know how to go about it. Im looking for some advice. Thanks a lot.

[justjamestx]

You mentioned that your ex thought you had a drinking problem; however, you never admitted to having a drinking problem yourslef. One would wonder how you could hit a woman and not remember it. I spent 6 yrs in the Marine Corps and did some drinking myself, but not once did I get so drunk I hit a woman or have an event I didn't remember. How often did you hit her? She may fear being around you? Congrats on the not drinking, that is a good step in the right direction. My real concern would be for your hitting behavior. Have you considered counseling for anger or violence? I realize that counseling is not always the right answer, but there are time when it can help. I would not rush to your ex to soon, rather just write her one letter and tell her that you are taken the steps to get your life in the right direction. To me it seems that what you should really work on first is getting your life right and under control. Hitting a woman is very serious issue that you need to help with prior to entertaining the idea of being with any woman, much less a woman who you have already hit. You mentioned that you were drunk and don't even remember it, but just the same if you did it once, what is to prevent you from hitting again? The process that an individual goes through for healing issues (drinking, hitting, etc.) is very dependent upon the person for we are all different. Just as it will take time for you to heal and get your issues worked out, it will also take your ex time to get over the abuse that she was given. How long, who knows, 6 months, 2 years, they are just different blocks of time, because we want things now; however, true healing takes time. Be patient and work the issues you need to work on. Then after this healing time, then you can attempt a new relationship with your ex. At that time, rather she chooses to be with you or not, at least you have improved your own condition and can provide more support for the next relationship you are in. Again, congrats on the not drinking and I wish you the best of luck!!

James

[qwerty]

First I want to thank you for taking the time and reading my problem and responding. I have never hit her be4 and I do not consider myself a violent/confrontational person at all. I don't think I could ever hit a girl when I was sober. Anyway I am not trying to defend my actions, just trying to give more information on the subject. I appreciate the advice you have given me and I am also wondering if you have any suggestions on how to keep things "alive" between us. I know we need time apart, but I don't want to forget about her, and I don't want her to forget about me what should I do? Thanks again.

[justjamestx]

Glad to hear you never hit her before. Did she say how you hit her when you were drunk? I mean was it an accident or you really hit her intentionally while you were drunk? I would suggest just being honest with her and yourself. Does she want to keep things alive as well? The main thing to remember is that you must want change for yourself not because of another person. Regardless of the outcome of the relationship you have with this woman, changing for the better is always a wonderful thing. There are so many questions that leave so many unknowns in your situation. So the answer would depend on the situation. For example, does she seem to have the feelings towards you as you do towards her. Or perhaps she is wanting space, but you fear that she will leave you from this space. All one can do in a relationship is be the partner they should be. Meaning communicate your feelings to her, at least by letters. Always be honest to her and to yourself. If it was meant to be, then so it shall be again. However, if she no longer shares the desires that you have for this relationship, then at least when you look back in your life, you can say you did your best. You don't want to be over bothersome if she asked for space, for that can and will often only push them further away. Just remember that there is a lot of pain, hurt, and perhaps anger there. So you see it is difficult to give much response with so little information, but I hope this helps some and I do wish you the very best of luck.

[Wildcat21]

Usually when two people break there are problems. You need to change. If you want her back - you need to change. This will not happen over night. She will not take you back over night.

Obviously it seems you realize you have problem which is great.

You need to improve and change. Then eventully you ca nshow her you have changed.

Quiting drinking is very hard to. I advise seeking Professional help. Your friends will pressure yo uinto drinking.

[Wildcat21]

Oh yeah, woman never return those letters. Ever.

AND don't beg for her back ever. Woman will hate you for it. Chanage. Act like it was for the best and let her know you realize you have to change.

Change is the only way I have ver seen couples get back together and actually be happy.