[UTaustinash]

First off I want to say that just reading this site has helped me soooo much... so I've decided to see if anyone can give me any insight.

Short version: I was in a long distance relationship for 8 months. I loved him, and I honestly believe he loved me. Distance sucks, period. We met through a friend and hung out a couple of times before he moved back to his home state. We talked on the phone for 6 months. It was awesome, we could talk for hours and hours about everything. Then I decided to fly up and visit him. It was a great weekend, and when I came back home we decided to be with each other exclusively and try the whole long distance thing.

Shortly after I began to see red flags, but of course I ignored them. Stupid me. He got fired from his second job since we'd started dating, which was a job as a valet parker. He is 27, with no job and didn't go to school. When I asked him what his goals in life were he said "I don't know, I just want to take it day by day." He got kicked out of the house he was living in with friends because he never paid rent or bills. He moved in with his aunt and shares a room with his 28 yr old cousin who also doesn't have a job. Whenever we would see each other, I would have to fly there... and it wasn't like he really ever appreciated it. I also found out he started smoking weed everyday.

NOw if this is what you want to do with your life, fine. But I am a 23 year old woman with a college degree, a career, my own place, my own car, and dreams to do soooo much more with my life. I had been thinking for so long I needed to break up with him because I deserve so much more, but "I didn't want to feel sad." I know... that sounds so lame. I was sooo heartbroken by a previous break-up, it's almost as if I would rather be in an unfulfilling relationship than feel that empty again.

However, a little less than a month ago he called me and broke up with me. He said "I just don't want to treat u the way u should be treated." Ouch. He used the whole it's not you its me thing and said "I know is sound so cliche, but its true. What do I have to offer you? Absolutely nothing. You deserve so much better." When we hung up he said "I love u and I hope we can talk soon." I said "No. It's better that we don't talk." And he said "It's up to you. If you ever want to talk I'll be here." Gross.

Anyway, I haven't called, texted, emailed, NOTHING! I'm so proud of myself. In fact, I haven't really wanted to. But my question is... why am I still sad? About a week ago he texted me and said "I hope you're doing ok." UGH Why would he say anything to me? We haven't talked at all and we aren't friends... what is the point? I didn't respond.

I just don't want to be sad about it. Especially since I had been thinking about breaking up... and I know that I deserve so much better from a partner. But part of me can't help but think "What is wrong with me that I got dumped by a loser?" Normally I'm very confident, but now that's shaken a bit. I can honestly say I was a great girlfriend... and I wanted to be enough for him to want to make his life better. But he just didn't care either way... so I'm just like why did I get dumped by a loser? And why do I still care? Any words??

[nanu123]

Hai
That's the obvious thing happen in life. You may feel that when someone disturbed your with your previous relationship.
Like to go out and enjoy for sometime..
U ll be okey...

[TexasLonghorn]

You made a emotional investment and it did not work out and that hurts... big time.

Also, you may have had dreams for the two of you that now could be gone. It hurts.

My boyfriend cheated on me and I still miss the SOB. But when you make such an emtional investment it takes time.

[kctiger]

Being confident and sure of yourself is one thing... it let's you know that at the end of the day, you are good enough for YOU. That is important, but that also doesn't mean you won't be shaken and hurt when someone you love has broken up with you. It makes you human and capable of warm kind things. Good news is that you have a direction and that direction is nothing but up! Good luck.

[88sunflower]

Take his words for what they are. This time around they sound like they ring true. You do sound to good for him and your are in a better spot and he has nothing to offer you. You said it yourself. Why did he dump you if you were a good girlfriend? Well maybe you intimidated him. You have everything he doesn't at a younger age. Your making it and he has nothing and is nothing. I think after some time your hurt will be less and you will see the big picture and thank him for dumping you. Do you want someone doing drugs around you all the time? Do you always want to have to carry his weight in the relationship since he can't keep a job? You would be his sugar mama. You sound like you have your head together. Keep the no contact with him and know it's the right thing. You will be happy looking back one day that you did.

[jmw0713]

You feel sad because he broke-up with you first. It never feels good to get dumped, especially when you were doing all the work... for nothing.

Look at it this way:

He couldn't handle your success and drive. He wanted to sit around, work a part time job and smoke dope all day. You didn't fit into that particular life style that he wanted. You were way better organized and had your act together... he didn't. You would have ended up supporting him and his weed habit.

He lives in another state, far enough away that you had to fly to see him. He obviously didn't have the resources to fly and see you. So essentially you were doing all the work. Distance is always a major obstacle in making relationships work.

You should look at this as a good thing that he broke up with you. He doesn't have his act together at all. When you first got together, you probably saw something in him that you found attractive. However, you were to blind to see the other crap that would have made you steer clear of this loser. Now you know who he really is. Be happy that you are not another successful and great girl with a loser BF.

The sadness will go away. I hope you learn that not wanting to be alone, or sad, is NOT a good reason AT ALL to stay with someone or bounce from relationship to relationship.

Was he a rebound? Seems like this may have been a rushed decision, on your part, to go out with this guy.

[liz28]

The sadness will disappear as soon as you let it go instead of holding on to it.

This guy wasn't for you and you realize this before he broke up with you. Remember that when thoughts of him invade your mind and when sadness creep into it.

Your going be okay and your so much better off without a guy that can smoke weed everyday instead of finding a job and has no pride.

[UTaustinash]

Thanks guys... that is very helpful. And JMW... he wasn't a rebound at all. You are very right though when you said I saw something attractive in the beginning. I did, and then in turn began to ignore the plethera of unattractive things...

[jmw0713]

That's how it goes. When we first meet someone, everything is new and fresh and we are blinded by the new experiences we have with them. It's when their true colors start to show when we really find out if they are right for us.

Remember, if you are not happy and can't resolve the issues that are making you unhappy, it's better to cut your losses and leave than torture yourself trying to make something work that won't.

I'm glad we all could help. Good Luck!

[UTaustinash]

So I'm really bad at letting things go... in fact I'm really hard on myself and would really appreciate some words on how to just let go...

I was doing sooo good. No contact at all since the day we broke up, even though he tried to contact me. So it'd been a month and a half! I was doing sooo well... of course still sad, but getting much better.

BUT THEN, I went on a date Fri night and for whatever reason I CALLED HIM! UGH! I'm so angry with myself...

We talked for two and a half hours and I told him everything that I felt. I never begged him back or anything like that. In fact I told him that I knew I deserve better... someone with ambition, a job, etc. And someone that treats me right... which he did not do. I told him I wish him well and that I really hope he does figure his life out for his sake.

Then we talked a little about what had been going on in our lives.. but finally I said I have to go. He said "I hope u really know that I broke up with u bc I know that I can never give u what you want or deserve. I have nothing to offer u. I wish I did because I love you so much I hope you know that"

Anyway... I don't want to be back with him. I really don't, because I do deserve so much better than what he gave. At least my head knows that... my head has known for a long time... I'm just working on training my heart.

But now I feel like I've taken such a step back with calling. I don't know why I did... I made it sooo long. And I won't do it again. But I'm just having a hard time forgiving myself for contacting him. Because I know it makes me look so weak in his eyes... like such a loser. And it makes me feel bad about myself... like I should be stronger than that. I don't know. Any words??

[Sparky1969]

I'm no expert but I would say don't be too hard on yourself. Yes calling was a mistake and has set you backward. But you have also realized it was a mistake and learned from it.

NC is a really hard thing to do in practice and well everyone has moments of weakness at some point. (I did)

Just start over NC again. If possible delete all his contact details. Next time try and call a friend or family member instead.

[N0help4u]

You move on and don't let the call bother you.
Just be stronger in the future.
Not like it is some mortal sin to call him.
Basically you do NC so you can get over them.
Since you say you are over him you should be fine.
Don't hold it against yourself

[sully123]

Actually you should feel a lot better, now. You called and its done. It's closure for you. In the long run, he can't give you what you want. That's OK, there is someone else there that will. I know its hard to believe that, and you think he is the only guy left on this earth. But believe, I respect him for being honest to you. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's a step now in the right direction. Focus on you and what's good for you.

[talaniman]

I have a feeling you will get back on the NC path, and forgive yourself.