[LostHopeInUSA]

I can remember when I was four or five years old thinking how bad this life was. Now that I am an adult, it has not proved to change for the better. Maybe some will say I am mad and maybe I am but I do know one thing. I am already dead inside and I see no sense in continuing this miserable excuse of a life, if one wants to label this as life. I am severely depressed and have general anxiety, heck I probably have a multitude of other undiagonesed conditions. I pretend to live a happy life. Husband, house, grown children. I am just so sick and tired of feeling like this. I have been on Celexa, Lithium, Depakote, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Ambility, Elavil, Sequel, Klonapin, Ativan, Trazadone, Valium and probably a few I have forgotten about. The point is nothing helps. My husbands says, "get out and do something", but what. My depression is so debilitating that I can not get out of bed some days, I hate to open my eyes. In March of this year I succeed at suicide only to have the damn paramedics shoot me in the chest with that damn shot and shock me. Pissed me off when I came back and not to mention the pain involved in being sucked back into this body. Is there a curse for living? I can't understand it, two years ago I went back to college to get my docturate, my GPA is 3.9, how could this be? What is wrong with me? I guess I just have to plan this thing out very carefully and make it fool proof. Options of how are no problem on a place where I will not be found until the deed is complete.

[Fr_Chuck]

Often if you want to find bad it will be. If you think life is bad you will make it happen.

Sounds like you don't follow though with the professional help.
Get to your doctor ASAP

[drea46750]

I know you don't know me, but I beg of you not to take the easy way out. I also have been on several pills and have seen many doctors, but am still depressed. I have children, a house and a fiancé. What we do to them if we ended our life? As many times as I have wanted to, I think of my kids and what it would do to them. I also need help, but feel that I am helpless, but I keep on because I hope that some day I will be at peace.

[jmjoseph]

I know it sounds typical and corny, but turn to GOD. Talk to someone who can connect you to a church . Whether it's a preacher or priest, get some spiritual help. What's there to lose? I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict who's gone through pure hell the last three years. Two surgeries, one more ( at least ) to go. If it wasn't for my turning to GOD I don't think I'd be here today. I not some nut whose gone " crazy for Jesus", I didn't see any light , or hear the trumpets . There's more to life than all the bad. Pick up the Bible and start at Matthew. I've already prayed for you, and will again later. GOD bless you.

[Clough]

Hi, LostHopeInUSA!

You've already received some fine answers above!

This may not be exactly what you're looking for, but if you would like, there is an activity that I like to do with people on this site in order to help them be expressive and also feel better about themselves.

If you might like to know what it is and to participate in it, please let me know.

Thanks!

[YeloDasy]

You sound depressed, and angry about it! If you had a magic wand, what would you LIKE to see your life like? Tell us what you want it to be like, how would you feel, what would you different, who would be there, etc...
Also, which medications did work... even if it didn't take it all away, which ones worked best?

[matildandre]

Good afternoon LostHopeInUSA let me tell you that you are not the only one Out there who would like to know what this life is all about, I've been depress for the last 30 years, what I mean is I do not enjoy anything in life no matter if I'm at home or on vacation somewhere it feels all the same. I've been married for 38 years at first it seems to be great then I had 2 kids again it felt Ok but not great, some people seems to be bless with children but for me it was more problem, not something I felt good about, then a resented the fact that I was not the centre of attraction, I was working and getting a good salary but that was not satisfying my need of feeling worthy or having done something good, that made me feel even more worthless. I like to think that I'm somebody who wants to help other but every time I tried it got me in trouble and made my live more complicated and I became resentful. Last year I went through a very difficult time I'm Diabetic I have arthritis and a thorn ligament in my rotor cuff, I had to close my company because of my arthritis I can no longer do that kind of work, finally in February 2008 I lost it and decided to do the final dead and end it all. At that time I met a person who told me of their problem and how they got help to feel better. I live in Toronto Canada and they suggest that I go to the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (better known as CAMH) here in Toronto. Since I was curious to know what a happy life would feel like I decided to go and seek help (this was going to be my last try) I was very lucky to have made this decision, because today I feel that there is something worth living for. So here is my Suggestion try to find an institution regardless of what people think it is (here CAMH is called the loony bin) and who care what its call its how you feel that is important. I have to tell you that it's not a perfect world yet and it's a lot of work to feel better but it's worth it.
I know that you tried many pills but pills alone do not work you need compassion and understand from people who went through the same think you are going through.
And probably your spouse, your acquaintance and even your friends don't understand how you feel but I do and I know it's not easy but it's all worth it in the end.
So please try to get some help (there is some out there, if you find the patience, courage and time to look) I wish you all the courage to go trough this period and stay in touch via this site because I would like to know how you are doing. From someone who care.

[data6170]

I have had to deal with depression in my life and a social anxiety problem. Years ago I tried to commit suicide but I ended up throwing up the pills I took. I have given my life to God since I didn't want it. And believe me he has given me strength to keep going. I have had to deal with so many issues. God also uses things like support groups. I have a support group I can attend. Also prayer and listening to music helps. Also talking to a trusted friend. Please don't give up, I have prayed for you. I understand what you going though.

[1badchoice]

Hi. My name is Cathy. I have been where you are many many times. I know how hard life can be... how hard it is to live within your own skin. The people who tell you how selfish suicide is don't know how much pain your in... on a constant basis. I have tried suicide twice seriously. The last time... I almost succeeded. The thing is seeing the look on my girlfriend's face as she tried desperately to get me to the hospital in time (even getting lost). That was the first time I saw that I was truly hurting someone I loved more than myself. I can't say I don't still want to die, hurt and even hate living in my skin but I can say that focusing on the people I love and how much I don't want them to feel a tenth of what I feel. If killing myself would cause that... maybe I should try my best to avoid it. I have to work on it daily and some days I have to cry out for help in NOT hurting myself but I am truly more aware of the pain I saw in her (my girlfriend's) eyes and how it would haunt her. Before you do anything... make a true list of how it would hurt those you love. You may need to make this list on a BETTER day and bring it out on the bad days.

[Clough]

Comments on this post
YeloDasy agrees: do share!

Hi, YeloDasy!

What I like to do is to help people to write songs in order to express themselves, accomplish something and, hopefully feel better about themselves because of doing that.

Thanks!

[matildandre]

Good morning LostHopeInUSA,

My name is Andre and I would like to praise Cathy on her courage and consideration for her friend who helped her in her last attempt, she wrote about making a list of all the reason to or not to end her life and I think that this is a good idea, sometime we tend to forget the good thing we accomplish and the good thing there are in this world. The sunshine who makes us warm all over and brightens our days, the birds that sing and serenade us, the brooks that sound like our tension is dripping away, the rain on our face feels like a little massage from heaven. Hey I’m no poet or writer but I know when I go into the woods or parks and sit there and concentrate on all the beautiful thing in nature it lift my spirit and keeps me going one more day. You need to remember that all your trouble won't go away in 1 day but if you take it one day, one hour or even one minute at the time you will realize that first there are people that care for you and that life is truly a wonderful thing and it can be enjoyable. I hope you’re Ok and that you see there are lots of people that care about you and wish for you to regain this hope you lost.

[88sunflower]

I am responding from the other end of this spectrum. Please whatever you do don't consider suicide as an option. I had a brother commit suicide and it's the most painful thing a family has to go through. He shot himself in the head and left behind a 2 and 4 year girls. What's that teaching them. For years I struggled and read his 3 page suicide letter he left and its stupid. Just frigen stupid. He had problems like everyone else in the world and chose the coward way out. I miss him and love him dearly. But what has he done to us? He left us all wondering and crying for him 18 years later and we still cry. Why did he not turn to us for help. Why didn't he just divorce his cheating wife. My family sits here and all we ask his why as we sit and watch some other man raise his girls. This past summer, some other man did the father daughter dance at her wedding. Then she gave a speech about always being daddy's little girl. How does that make us feel? Her saying she is always going to be daddy's little girl to some other man. Please, I sit here in tears now and so full of anger. I hate it when I see threads on suicide. Its selfish and cowardly. I am so so so sorry for how your feeling but please with any ounce of hope you have left think of your family and this will effect them the rest of there lives.

[matildandre]

Hello 88sunflower, I have to agree with you suicide is not the answer but you must understand that it's not necessarily the coward way for the person that thinks of committing suicide some time it seems that it is the only way to stop the pain you are going trough. I know it isn't but to a person that is depress, it is you must remember that they do not think straight, everything seems impossible you no longer think anything is worthwhile living for, the depress person sometime does not think that anybody will understand, believe me I was that person who was contemplating suicide and I was lucky because I found somebody that had been depress and knew what it was all about and they help me through this bad time in my life. The worst thing anyone can tell a depress person is “get over it, other has been through this and it's not the end of the world” I been told that by my family and even from close friends but I knew (thought) they did not understand MY pain and to me it was pushing me even more.
Again I will say this there is help out there and unfortunately it should be from somebody that lived depression so they understand. I will give you a comparison I'm diabetic and I try to maintain a good blood sugar but when you know you followed all the right food, the medication, the exercise and all the advice your doctor gives you day after day and one morning you wake up with high blood sugar. The first time it frustrating the second time you start to question yourself, the third time you ask yourself what is wrong with me and every subsequent time you become depressed because you know that you followed everything and nothing is working. So you think I'm going to lose my leg, my eye sight, have a heart attack, my liver will shut down and nothing is looking bright anymore.
Now I can explain this to anybody that doesn't have diabetes and they can sympathize but you can never have the feeling I have. Same if you go on vacation somewhere and it's the nicest place that you have ever seen you take pictures once you come back home you look and you show those pictures and it's never the same. So please don't call those people that tried or want or do kill themselves as coward they are not they are depress and lost they need help and it's available but you need to find it.

[88sunflower]

Hello 88sunflower, I have to agree with you suicide is not the answer but you must understand that it’s not necessarily the coward way for the person that thinks of committing suicide some time it seems that it is the only way to stop the pain you are going trough. I know it isn’t but to a person that is depress, it is you must remember that they do not think straight, everything seems impossible you no longer think anything is worthwhile living for, the depress person sometime does not think that anybody will understand, believe me I was that person who was contemplating suicide and I was lucky because I found somebody that had been depress and knew what it was all about and they help me through this bad time in my life. The worst thing anyone can tell a depress person is “get over it, other has been through this and it’s not the end of the world” I been told that by my family and even from close friends but I knew (thought) they did not understand MY pain and to me it was pushing me even more.
Again I will say this there is help out there and unfortunately it should be from somebody that lived depression so they understand. I will give you a comparison I’m diabetic and I try to maintain a good blood sugar but when you know you followed all the right food, the medication, the exercise and all the advice your doctor gives you day after day and one morning you wake up with high blood sugar. The first time it frustrating the second time you start to question yourself, the third time you ask yourself what is wrong with me and every subsequent time you become depressed because you know that you followed everything and nothing is working. So you think I’m going to lose my leg, my eye sight, have a heart attack, my liver will shut down and nothing is looking bright anymore.
Now I can explain this to anybody that doesn’t have diabetes and they can sympathize but you can never have the feeling I have. Same if you go on vacation somewhere and it’s the nicest place that you have ever seen you take pictures once you come back home you look and you show those pictures and it’s never the same. So please don’t call those people that tried or want or do kill themselves as coward they are not they are depress and lost they need help and it’s available but you need to find it.

Well I hope I didn't come across as that harsh. But when I say coward I am speaking only in a way the family members feel when they are left with the pain. Believe me I didn't always feel that way. I struggled with it for years. Honestly, next year I may think differently. My thoughts on my brother are always changing as the pain of his choice continues the same. I don't understand depression and your right. But I understand the aftermath of suicide and that's how I chose to speak. I am truly sorry to offend anyone if they took offense. As I said, ask me next week and I may not say coward. Its just so hard to understand when your grieving the loss I guess.
As far as your diabetes I understand that 200%. My parents are both diabetic. I have been with my husband 18 years and he has been diabetic since he was 9, he is now 39. I have seen it all. I have watched him fall in to sugar comas. I have watched the mood swings. But I can tell you everything effects your sugar level. Sometimes the stress of a new job he had makes his sugar go crazy. We put him on the insulin pump and its been amazing. It still flucuates, but his entire personality has changed for the better. Maybe you could check in to that. I know what your saying though. He follows the orders and his also went up and down.

[1badchoice]

Just checking in with Lost... How are you today? Are things any better? Is there anything you would like to talk about? We all have opinions, experiences, thoughts, and ideas on your feelings but ultimately we just want you to know we do care. I hope your in a place where you can hear our voices even just a little.

[Reicheru-006]

What's it like to die?

[Clough]

I do hope that you return to here, LostHopeInUSA!

Thanks!