[gershom76]

Hello,

I just started dating after about 10 years of being alone and anti-social (I'm 33). I'm on anti-depressants and doing really well under them, am healthy and have recently lost a lot of weight and am feeling fit and attractive. My father was an alcoholic who sexually abused my stepbrother, but not me.

My new girlfriend and I haven't been dating long but developed a deep bond very quickly. We began having sex a couple weeks ago, and this is where it gets tricky. She is very experienced and expresses disappointment at my lack of experience and awkwardness - and that I cause pain to her because of mistakes I make. We're back to "getting to know each other" at the moment, awaiting a deeper comfort level between us to return to sexual activity.

My past is mostly what I hear from friends, pornography (although I'm not stupid enough to emulate the objectification stuff, just clinically looking for non-violent positions and techniques) and my few younger dalliances.

She has admitted to a past of abusive boyfriends and sexual abuse as a child. She claims to have worked through these issues, but as we've begun having more serious discussions about our compatibility, it seems I unwittingly trigger memories of the past boyfriends.

I feel I've been too clingy or needy thus far (remember, 10 love and touch-starved years!), so I'm doing my best to rein in my impulsive instincts. She has expressed fear that I'm too needy of her, so we're working at it. I feel comfortable in that aspect of things that time and understanding will bring us together.

Sex is again the sticky wicket. We've been intimate just twice, with several enjoyable sessions making out. Based on those two times, she has formed the concept that I am insensitive to her needs (which she... won't communicate to me... ) and am overall so "rough" that I can't possibly care about her. My few experiences in the past supported the balance of passivity/aggression I display in bed, so to me, I thought I was overall quite gentle. Having finally gotten this out in the open, I've tried to convince her that if we're okay with each other, then sex is just about care, respect and physiology managed behaviorally. That is, I can adjust to her needs because what I enjoy most is her being happy, and let's face it, as a man it doesn't take much to physically satisfy me.

In any event, when we're together things are great, we act like kids and smile and laugh, embrace, kiss and the like. When we part, I get terrified that I've done something wrong and a few days later she'll have analyzed something and I'll get an email, phone call or other chat in person where she expressed fear and doubt about our future. She has suggested at one point that "anyone else and she'd have broken up with me" but the fact that she was talking with me about it should reassure me that we could get things righted.

I know it's my first relationship in years, so I'm unable to be purely objective. This is only our second month, but we're both very cerebral and passionate people (artists). We both tend to overanalyze. I'm seeking a good therapist at the moment to revisit my own childhood and attempt to keep this relationship going... or have an objective party evaluate my relationship in the case that it's unhealthy and I'm unable to discern it. I recognize that I can't "fix" or "heal" her, but I'm unwilling to give up because of a few hurtful comments (especially regarding sexual inadequacies on my part). I wish I could feel more supported by her though.

In any event, I think I'm really looking for advice on how to grow an intimate relationship with a deeply-wounded, intelligent, witty, talented and beautiful woman. I'm looking to be as communicative as possible, but what sort of time can I expect will need to pass before she trusts me and understands that I am deeply caring of her and want a strong, long-lasting relationship?

... even typing all this is cathartic, but I'd appreciate any support you fine random and anonymous Internet folks might be able to offer.

[Gemini54]

You sound as if you have a good awareness of yourself, and your motivations, and an understanding that things should move slowly at this early stage of the relationship.

The difficult thing with new relationships is that we expect so much of them - particularly when we've had a 10 year hiatus like you. Expectations can be relationship killers - we project all of our needs and desires on to the other person and expect them to fulfil us.
Unfortunately, as you've already experienced, we also bring all our past experiences and expectations of relationships and chuck them in the mix as well.

Firstly, I would say that you can only deal with your own stuff and not hers. You've realised that and are talking about seeing a therapist. Great idea.

Secondly, I'd be very wary of her projecting her stuff on to you. Two uncomfortable sexual encounters do not make a pattern. Very few people have mind blowing sex in their first encounters - it usually takes trust, time, love and patience to achieve this.
If she has fears and anxieties from previous sexual relationships then she should deal with that separately. You are not her previous partners. Do not take this on.

Thirdly (and you acknowledged this), try not to overthink everything. You say that you want an intimate relationship that is strong and long lasting. This takes time and requires a commitment to communicate with and trust each other. This means meeting each other half way and taking risks. The risk is in letting go of the fear of failure. Analysing every interaction just creates stress and anxiety and heightens this fear.

Fourthly, don't put all of your energies and expectations into the relationship. Enjoy your creative pursuits, your friends, your work. Enjoy yourself so that if the relationship goes well it's a bonus to a happy life.

Relationships should inspire you and make you feel good about yourself. Enjoy the present and let the future take care of itself.

[Xrayman]

I'm sorry, but I think you need to take a step back and quit all the analysis-frankly it sounds like you are a psychiatrist!

I think there needs to be less cerebral-issues between the two of you and go with some love instincts without all the psychoanalysis going on in your heads.

Sometimes sex should be just sex-not a psychological think-fest.

She has not gotten over much and you are not helping her by kind of "feeding" her insecurities.

She and you need just to have love and sex without all the trappings and mental strings and baggage attached-ENJOY!

While it is "cute" that you both are cerebral etc. I feel that this is actually restricting you and her sexually.

Good luck

[smoothy]

You are overthinking all of this.

While a relationship does require a certain amount of work to stay healthy what it doesn't need is this sort of overanalysis.


Later edit:

Use this analogy... How you you possibly enjoy a simple chocolate Ice cream cone on a hot summer day if you worry about where the cows that make the milk grazed... what sort of chocolate went into the flavor and what politial mumbo jumbo that goes with it... and the grain that made the cone.

Some things you just take as they are... overanalyzing them destroys what pleasures they would normally have.

[artlady]

Perhaps you and your mate would benefit from the teachings of Tantric Sex.

Since you are both of a cerebral mindset I think you would appreciate that the sexual experience is made on a deep emotional and physical level.

Tantric sex is a combination of sex and spirituality where you are in total unity and focus with your partner.

The tools for intimacy and communication can improve any sexual relationship.

The intimacy that is created by using the techniques is not limited to making love,and is helpful to all aspects of a loving relationship.

I am posting a link I hope you find helpful.

Discovery Health :: Tantric Sex

[gershom76]

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses - seems to be a common theme to let it all just happen. Eh?

It seems to be heading that way now, and I'll trust that the sexual relationship will either flower appropriately or we'll find our own ways.

Thanks again, additional suggestions are welcome, too - she's lent me some reading on Taoist sexuality and I've had some Tantric books needing to be read on my bookshelf for a while...

[chrissymarie]

She tells you your too clingy... your not good in bed... why are you holding on to this girl?? And she won't communicate. There are many fish in the sea. This is a new relationkship. You 2 should be in honeymoon phase. My suggestion is to ditch this girl.