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Jewel_07 · Mar 31, 2009, 11:22 PM

I am dating a wonderful man. He is intelligent, driven, ambitious, faithful, caring, respectful, good looking, tall, athletic, beautiful eyes and the list could go on and on... However, before I met him I was in a seven year relationship with the love of my life! My childhood love, etc. I started dating my boyfriend before I was ready to. I still had a lot of unresolved feelings at the time. As time has gone by a year, I still miss my ex but there is no way that I could bear hurting my boyfriend now after everything he has done for me... However, I feel guilty and like a liar that I do not have those intense feelings for him even after a year! I fell like I am trying to make something out of something that isn't there. After all, there is great truth to we don't choose who we fall in love with because trust me if we did I wish it was him and that what I feel for my ex. I felt it for him instead. We have been together a year now and are getting pretty serious and I do not want to make a HUGE mistake that I will later regret... I thought to myself that with time things would get to the level of feeling that I had for my but they haven't. Don't get me wrong I care about him very much but it is not love :( Please advise!

simoneaugie · Apr 1, 2009, 12:00 AM

Tell him what you are feeling. Take a break from one another. Spend the time learning about yourself. Counseling for you may be a good idea.

kctiger · Apr 1, 2009, 05:53 AM

You should tell him how you feel. It may hurt, but it is better than being with him out of pitty. That isn't fair to anyone. You cannot help this, and it sounds like he was a rebound, no matter how good he is to you. Tell him the truth, and move on. Be on your own for awhile to sort out these unresolved emotions.

I wish · Apr 1, 2009, 06:51 AM

First off, he was clearly a rebound from your 7-year relationship.

I really feel bad for your boyfriend. Even though you listed all these good things about him, there's still something missing about him. Why don't you spend some time asking yourself why you don't love him. I'm sure there is a missing piece.

Once you figure that out, you will be in a better position to confront him about your feelings. You will have to tell him how you feel, because it's not fair to lead him on. You said you don't want to hurt him, so don't trap him in a loveless relationship.

talaniman · Apr 1, 2009, 11:00 AM

Being honest with him, and yourself would be great, and its only been a year, so he is still a stranger.

What's bad on your part, your unfairly comparing the ex, with the current guy, and that's not fair to him at all, nor to you either.

You still have baggage from the past to unpack.

Jewel_07 · Apr 2, 2009, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Tell him what you are feeling. Take a break from one another. Spend the time learning about yourself. Counseling for you may be a good idea.

Thank you, for your response. I had been considering counseling but have never gotten around to it. I will definitely put it in my top priorities list. Have a great day!

Jewel_07 · Apr 2, 2009, 10:52 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Being honest with him, and yourself would be great, and its only been a year, so he is still a stranger.

Whats bad on your part, your unfairly comparing the ex, with the current guy, and thats not fair to him at all, nor to you either.

You still have baggage from the past to unpack.

Your response made me realize that I need sometime to myslef to figure things out and get my feelings straight.

Jewel_07 · Apr 2, 2009, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

First off, he was clearly a rebound from your 7-year relationship.

I really feel bad for your bf. Even though you listed all these good things about him, there's still something missing about him. Why don't you spend some time asking yourself why you don't love him. I'm sure there is a missing piece.

Once you figure that out, you will be in a better position to confront him about your feelings. You will have to tell him how you feel, because it's not fair to lead him on. You said you don't want to hurt him, so don't trap him in a loveless relationship.

Your quote gave me insight. You got to the core of it. What is he missing? I am going to have to think about that one even though I might have some ideas already. You are right he deserves someone that can give herself completely like he does not a loveless relationsip.

I wish · Apr 2, 2009, 11:12 AM

Originally Posted by Jewel_07

Your quote gave me insight. You got to the core of it. What is he missing? I am going to have to think about that one even though I might have some ideas already. You are right he deserves someone that can give herself completely like he does not a loveless relationsip.

I'm sure that you will figure things out. Don't be afraid to take a break to figure things out.

I'm not a big fan of a complete break with no communication. Maybe seeing each other less often so that you have some time and space to figure things out and still gives him the chance to see you? Just a thought.

You'll have determine what the best arrangement is for you so that you can figure things out.

talaniman · Apr 2, 2009, 11:18 AM

Are you still looking for that weak in the knees intensity you probably felt with the ex??

Or are you afraid of being alone??

BMI · Apr 2, 2009, 11:26 AM

I would not tell him about your ex to be quite honest.

This guy, who sounds wonderful, has invested 1 year of his life with you. To tell him you love someone else would be devastating to anyone. Surely you could tell him you don't think it's right without mentioning your ex. I just don't see why telling him that is necessary.

Hathor · Apr 2, 2009, 11:50 AM

Originally Posted by BMI

I would not tell him about your ex to be quite honest.

This guy, who sounds wonderful, has invested 1 year of his life with you. To tell him you love someone else would be devastating to anyone. Surely you could tell him you don't think it's right without mentioning your ex. I just don't see why telling him that is necessary.

Have to agree with BMI here. A couple years ago guy I was dating dumped me. He said he was afraid of getting serious because of the whole issue with his ex who cheated on him. He said he was broken for a year before he met me. He said I was his 'light' but then he realised he was still 'incomplete' as a person, He said he couldn't give me all of him. He didn't want to hurt me, and he didn't want to get hurt anymore either.

It was devastating for me, I mean it was just short-term and everything, but I really did have an intense feeling for him. He was Mr Perfect like your boyfriend is to you.

Having feeling for your ex is one thing, but NOT having feeling for your boyfriend is the other, and actually THE POINT. Cos if you really don't 'love' this guy, it doesn't matter if you love someone else or not, you'd still not love him.

So, I think the best approach is calmly talk to your boyfriend that you need some time off to figure things out. You don't need to bring up your ex in this. Or maybe you can try to make him understand that it WAS a 7 year relationship, and you need to think thinks through before JUMPING into another serious one.

Best of luck :)

Jewel_07 · Apr 3, 2009, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you still looking for that weak in the knees intensity you probably felt with the ex???

Or are you afraid of being alone????

I am afraid it is the weak in the knees intensity. After seven years, when I would see his number on my phone, I would still get butterflies! I got that with my boyfriend when I barely met him but it didn't last more than a few conversations then it was over.

I'm not afraid of being alone, as a matter fact I am very independent.

On another note, (awkward) I had a feeling that my ex would be at the gym... I was getting ready to go and decided not to because I am trying to avoid all contact with him in respect to my boyfriend now. My sister ended up going to the gym and bumping into my ex that same night! 4/1/09

For a while, I was seeing his name every where! It was starting to creep me out. I saw it in restaurant menus more than one which is so bizarre because his name is not common. I saw in a huge mural which by coincidence I was directed to sit right in front off. I went with my girlfriend shopping for fish and there was even a fish named after him! It also, showed in my homework which, what are the odds of that. I am currently a legal student. As soon, as I walked to my house one afternoon the television was on and the first thing I heard was his name again! I was going CRAZY! I could go on and on about the incidcents at that point but that phase is over at least for now anyway.

Once, again thank you for your input. Have a great day!

Jewel_07 · Apr 3, 2009, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by Hathor

Have to agree with BMI here. A couple years ago guy I was dating dumped me. He said he was afraid of getting serious because of the whole issue with his ex who cheated on him. He said he was broken for a year before he met me. He said I was his 'light' but then he realised he was still 'incomplete' as a person, He said he couldn't give me all of him. He didn't wanna hurt me, and he didn't wanna get hurt anymore either.

It was devastating for me, I mean it was just short-term and everything, but I really did have an intense feeling for him. He was Mr Perfect like your bf is to you.

Having feeling for your ex is one thing, but NOT having feeling for your bf is the other, and actually THE POINT. Cos if you really don't 'love' this guy, it doesn't matter if you love someone else or not, you'd still not love him.

So, I think the best approach is calmly talk to your bf that you need some time off to figure things out. You don't need to bring up your ex in this. Or maybe you can try to make him understand that it WAS a 7 year relationship, and you need to think thinks thru before JUMPING into another serious one.

Best of luck :)

You are right. I just wish that I would have done it sooner! If I do it now he will be very upset and tell me after a year you figure this out? Since, I am his first serious relationship there is a lot he doesn't understand even if I explained to him because he has never been through it.

The thing is granted I'm not in love with him but I truly believe that in life you only truly fall in love or give your heart fully once. The more I talk to others, the more my theory is confirmed.

I will def. think things through before getting into another relationship. I thought I would be over it and moved on by now. Hence, that is not the case.

I am going to suggest we take some time off so, that I may do some searching within myself and come to a conclusion.

Thank you, for your input. Have a great day!

artlady · Apr 3, 2009, 12:02 PM

I am going to suggest we take some time off so, that I may do some searching within myself and come to a conclusion.

That sounds like a very fair way to go but I would be clear that you just don't see the relationship going any further.Even in the future.

Don't leave the guy hanging ,hoping that time will help you feel something you won't.

It's there or it isn't.

If he is such a great guy he deserves to have happiness in a relationship if he chooses.

If you say you want a break because you are confused,he will have hope.Be sure you make it clear what your intentions are for the future ,if any.

roxypox · Apr 3, 2009, 12:23 PM

It sounds as if you've come to a good conclution as for what to do with this.

I do want to add that I don't believe that you can only (truly) fall in love just once and give all just that once... ;) just wanted to throw it out there.

Best of luck to you!

Roxy

talaniman · Apr 3, 2009, 12:26 PM

The thing is granted I'm not in love with him but I truly believe that in life you only truly fall in love or give your heart fully once. The more I talk to others, the more my theory is confirmed.

You haven't talked to me. I believe humans are capable of giving their hearts to many different people. I have had many loves in my own life, so don't underestimate the human capacity to love.

Are the others you talk to young??

BMI · Apr 3, 2009, 01:12 PM

I think the topic of only truly loving one person would be a fascinating thread. I'd start it but alas it is Friday and after 4pm and... I'm out:)

james5212 · Apr 3, 2009, 08:21 PM

Hi Jewel, I know what your feeling somewhat, I was with my ex for 3 years she left, a few months later started dating again, I didn't really feel anyting for this girl or so I thought. She dumped me and I'm a wreck. I came to realize that I did like this girl a lot, but I was to scared of fully committing and opening up because of what my previous ex did to me.

Now that she's gone, it hurts so bad.

Jewel_07 · Apr 5, 2009, 04:45 PM

Originally Posted by BMI

I would not tell him about your ex to be quite honest.

This guy, who sounds wonderful, has invested 1 year of his life with you. To tell him you love someone else would be devastating to anyone. Surely you could tell him you don't think it's right without mentioning your ex. I just don't see why telling him that is necessary.

I agree. I would not necessarily say it to ohim in those words.